Stop This Train

Oh it was just about a guy.

A guy that makes you smile ear to ear apparently.

Did I miss your Russell Brand phase? Now I’m gonna cry.

Phase? Oh no no, I’m Russell Brand. This is just what I look like with short hair and a shaved face. There’s gonna be zero Swifty tears, my heart couldn’t take it.

Never walk into Target while wearing a red t-shirt. I made this mistake today without realizing it and proceeded to be cursed at in an array of languages for having an attitude and being unhelpful towards customers. 

Not gonna lie.. if I’d seen you, I would’ve had fun with it and gladly would’ve taken on the role as an angry customer. Make a scene and everything - embarrass the hell out of you.

One time when I was playing The Sims when I was younger, my little sim kid had a soccer game and while all the teams were huddled up, I changed to buy mode and put washing machines around the opposing team, enclosing them in their detergent scented prison. Thanks to my ingenious strategy, my child’s team was able to take the ball from the opposite goalie and score repeatedly. By the time the clock ran out, we were up 46-0, and the opposing team was sobbing in puddles of their own piss. I’m the best soccer dad there is, watch out everybody.

This is why we don’t get nice things like buy mode in the real world, damn it. It’d just end with piss and tear puddles everywhere. But hey, that’s a bomb ass strategy nevertheless. 

How am I supposed to react when I’m on Twitter and a fan sends me a picture of Mike’s butt?

I’d be happy to figure this thing out with you if I knew who Mike was.

So all I’m going to do on my day off tomorrow will be basically eat chocolate and watch TV shows. And I will regret nothing.

If you regretted it, I’d be disappointed. No human being should wanna take back a day of eating chocolate and watching TV shows.

Not only did I sleep last night, but I had a really great dream last night!

Well, go you for getting sleep and having a great dream. What was it about?

You never realize until you’re wearing waist-length extensions how much you miss having long hair.

Ain’t that the truth. It brings a tear to my eye every time.

A bit cocky today, aren’t we?

I mostly just wanna be associated with a cool word like that. Colton Haynes is the bomb.com. Really rolls off the tongue well.

Eh…debatable. Well i don’t know what kind of cats you’re around, babes, but Jama-Lynx is the bomb.com and would never attack me.

We'll see, we'll see. And the only name you should use in the same sentence as the bomb.com is Colton. 

Too bad the sarcasm and sass looks much better on me.

I've gotta disagree. Like hardcore disagree, Ash. We both know those two don't exactly mesh well with cockiness when we're talkin' looks.