Wandering ramblings

I'm just going to start this by saying I'm incredibly happy at this point in my life. I'm going back to school, I have a car, I have a job- which I might leave for the possibility of getting a job in Montreal. I'm having fantastic sex, with someone who I share an incredibly easy relationship with. I have built myself a great supportive family <3 I'm just living a life of art, and music, and i've been +$ in my account for a few weeks now. Like everything seriously feels like it's falling into place. The only two weeks I have off, are also being booked as a road trip to gaspe, with a wonderful being! oh goodness, now i must continue to clean and organize myself before school starts. I should post a pic of me with my uniform for school! I'm going to be the next cake boss :3

So many Orgasms and excellent video games, and fantastic food!! Goodness, I really need to hit the gym!!

My mother just came in crying grabbing a few things before heading to go meet him in the city. Earlier today during supper, I asked him if he remembered me telling him that by age 15 he would have a heart attack if he stayed on this path. I told him this between age 5-8 the first time. My brother is turning 15 in just 4 months, and when my mum came in saying he had something wrong with his *insert mum tapping her chest* i thought it happened. My brother has had difficulty breathing the past few days, and we all thought it was his asthma and a combination of his allergies. Apparently his phlebitis is back, only instead of just being in his thigh, he has some in his lungs. I've never had strong brotherly feelings towards him due to past stuff with his dad, but i feel somewhat responsible, like i condemned him to being sick. Or on the other side i feel like i foretold it as i can sometimes know things before they happen like when my brother became a dad. I just am torn between understanding how I feel and feeling like i should feel a certain way. I work in 5.5 hours, and i can tell sleep will not come easy. It also doesnt help that i wish more than anything colt were here with me, but when he talked he tried to get my mind off it by having me tell him a story about my bro and i a happy one, but it just makes me feel bad at how long ago it was, due to our age gap, and my dislike towards him. I made colt laugh because under different circumstances it is a funny story, but laughing and trying to get me to laugh 15 minutes after i found out my brother is being rushed to ICU is not sensitive me to me. I told him i couldn't handle it, and hung up. He hasn't tried contacting me since. yet I get supportive messages from my co-worker and having her tell me she loves me. This is just all too much for me right now I think.

Just a few of the lovely bruises my boy left me (: I'm loving experimenting with roughness and kink!

I want to wake up next to you in the morning. Slide my fingers in between yours and kiss the top of your nose. I want to put the kettle on, so I can have a cup of tea and you, your coffee. I want to surprise you with nerf gun wars when you step in through the door after a long hard day- just to cheer you up. I want to make meals with you. I want to go grocery shopping with you, knowing that whatever you choose will be excellent. I want to pick you up from school, and have quickies in the back seat. I'm feeling completely overwhelmed of the things I want for us. but really though, I'd settle for living in the same area code.

Holy shite, time goes by fast. It's incredible how much time flies by when you're not paying attention. So Dollarama has cut my hours- well everyones hours really.. which leaves me working only 17h this week... EEEKS!! I'm also looking into buying a car. My boyfriend is starting Chef school in January, which means he's moving to Ottawa 2.5 hours away... Good thing I'm getting on that car thing now. I'm dancing every week with my co-workers which is a hoot! This winter we'll also be snowboarding (: I've also decided I'm breaking my sugar habit. I've gained 10ls since i've been home (which has only been 4 months :( ) So I've challenged my boy. He has to loose 20lbs before I loose 15. I know He's got it much easier then me, because he can spend all day working out since he doesn't go to school, or work. But alas he is lazy :p So 21 days to make or break a habit, right? My co-worker is on day 8 of detoxing. I'm sugar detoxing. No fast food, no sweets, no chips, no soda, no cake, no ice cream. Not dieting just re-claiming my body! Also found a K-boxing gym near by. So once I get my car, it's hello ass whoopings, and a possible new job. Life is pretty grand at the moment. Oh and I got my loan, which means in two years I've got no more debt!!!

Oh well the pay from my second job, will go straight into paying for school, and once that's paid off, it'll be extra money for outings, NYC or paying off more debt... Look at me being all grown up and stuff.

You didn't seem to notice how much time had gone by, or about my suffering. I know you say you want to be with me, but it doesn't sound like it, and your actions say even less. If you call tonight like you said you would maybe I'll give this a second chance, but for now my heart is breaking and all I want is to sleep, so I can dream of a different us. the us of before. the one were I felt you could love me.

I haven't gotten a response yet. It's just the times he wants to see me I have very little time to. instead of wanting to spend my day off with me, he'd rather see me after finishing  a 10h shift. when Im going to be on my period and tired and grumpy.  I'm grumpy, and hungry, and upset that I'm gaining weight. I miss you, and feel like I miss you more then you care about me.  I just.... what am I doing?