☣︎save your incision for me☣︎

it's weird not being groomed online as a kid. as in, i guess, there is no reason for my sexual trauma-esque tendencies (bouts of hypersexuality and sex repulsion, the gross feeling of dirt you cant wash off, etcetc) other than my own actions. i was the one who actively searched out porn as a young kid, i was the one with violent sexual fantasies, i was the one who nourished my hypersexuality. no one, no adult, no teenager, or even another kid, was involved with that. it was a secret i held with myself. i wasn't groomed by any specific individual, and there was no one encouraging me to do this, or showing me this. it's all my own actions. and i know as a young kid i can't really be blamed for that, i didn't know any better, and i'm sure it was a response to something in my life, if just pure curiosity about a "taboo" topic that i didn't get educated about at all. i did ask my mother about this, at some point, and she said they just sort of figured i would learn what sex was and how it works from the internet. and like, i did. i did learn, from pornhub, and violent porn, and sites and fanfiction i wasn't supposed to be anywhere near. i guess i think of it almost like grooming myself. and i know that technically, i was "groomed", just by the nebulous "general internet", and my parent's neglect, but what sort of answer is that. "its the fault of people who made this accessible to a kid in the first place" well that doesn't really seem good enough. that can't be good enough. i sought these sites out myself. i typed in the terms, i looked, i was even picky. i did that. but i can't feel disgusted at my young self, i was just a kid. i guess that's the paradox that pisses me off? i groomed myself. i did it myself. i have no one to be angry at, and i know better than to be like "well we should just make all of the internet child-safe" (which both wouldn't work and is also absolute bullshit). so i'm just kind of left feeling gross, used, and unjustified in how my brain reacts. it's such a common experience, so why isn't there a term for it? why do i live in a weird in-between where nothing happened but i still have to feel like this.