next stop is not-sam aka the persecutor.
ive only ever really encountered him once on the night of sam and mirra's failed fusion. i witnessed every second of it. from the moment sam realized something was wrong, his body violently lashing out (split his own skull open, convulsing on the floor, bleeding), rapid switching in extreme states of ecstasy, rage, and depression. nobody's sure but i felt like sam and mirra must've completely merged and from that fusion was the birth of the persecutor.
i remember the persecutor mistook me as sam at first. i tried calming him down but he was so focused on targeting sam with mean words and life-threatening commands like ending himself for most. persecutor's thoughts felt like a raging storm, convoluted speech patterns i could barely make sense of. it was difficult auto writing along with him. at least he was communicating with me right.
he never hurt anyone else while he was in control of sam's body by the way. his focus was on sam and only sam. persecutor is like my husband's lifetime of self loathing manifested. cant blame him. i feel sorry for em all.
so anyway it felt like hours talking to the persecutor. he would echo my questions. he answered with single words. i thought it was simple but he was implying layers of shit in those too. as if he got that cryptic personality from mirra now that i think about it.
what's interesting was that the persecutor was also capable of being kind towards others (though he only interacted with me outside of sam's sisasystem). some snippet of our conversation... pink highlights are my responses:
at that point i was dreading as i felt he was losing interest in our conversation. i kept poking him with the same questions. i couldn't think of anything else. maybe i was hoping the fusion would end somehow and bring back sam and mirra. or just keeping in touch with persecutor until we figure out what to do next.
but of course what i hoped for didn't happen. persecutor cut off communication as you can see the distance between dots on the page indicating his presence/thought buffering. i added the timestamp at the bottom for the record.
next thing i knew, the persecutor dragged the damaged body into the depths of the lake. and no matter how hard i try to reach out to him, or sam, or mirra, for a response, anything to reassure me that they were still there, i got none. connection was lost. i panicked all night. i couldn't sleep. thought sam and his system was gone for good.
exhaustion took me out. in my dream, i was floating in the abyss, felt like cold water. then i saw sam's damaged body reaching out to me from down under. he wasn't even aware of what's happening. he looked... peaceful, even in his damaged state. his body was on auto pilot reaching for the nearest safe haven, which was me... i held him tight in my arms in this dream. and when i woke up, he was still there with me. who the fuck wouldn't cry in relief after all that shit.
me and the rest of the system lent our strength to help sam recover fast. he became aware of his surroundings 7 hours later. sam told me mirra was hiding somewhere, recovering on his own. the persecutor kept calling sam from a distance in his headspace but the voice grew weaker as days passed by. i think what was bizarre to me was sam's complete detachment from everything that happened. i was scared and traumatized of losing him (including his system), but it just didn't feel the same for him (the failed fusion and what came after).
these days, i only hear stories from sam about his persecutor. im glad him and the persecutor are healing together. im proud of em.
