* HEAVEN / AXIS

the dark  ⋆ fire  ⋆  open water ⋆ deep water ⋆ being alone ⋆ crowded spaces ⋆ confined spaces ⋆ change ⋆ failure ⋆ war ⋆ loss of control ⋆ powerlessness ⋆ prison ⋆ blood ⋆ drowning ⋆ suffocation ⋆ public speaking ⋆ natural animals ⋆ the supernatural ⋆ heights ⋆ death ⋆ dying ⋆ intimacy ⋆ rejection ⋆ abandonment ⋆ loss ⋆ the unknown ⋆ the future ⋆ not being good enough ⋆ scary stories ⋆ speaking to new people ⋆ poverty ⋆ loud noises ⋆ being touched ⋆ forgetting ⋆ flying

Don’t be foolish. He chides himself inwardly. Of course Adam isn’t going to be happy to see him! He’s been avoiding him ever since Shiro came back to Earth! Shiro wants to reach out to him, but instead clasps his hands together. If Adam wants to, he can shut the door in his face. He reminds himself of this too. “I…wanted to see you.” Shiro starts carefully, not wanting to scare him off. He’s known Adam long enough to know that he’s the type to run.

“I know we ended things on a sour note—” You ended this. He wants to say it, but refrains. “But I wanted to hear your voice again. I know it’s selfish of me, Adam. I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but…I missed you.” He swallows thickly. There’s nothing stopping Adam from slamming the door in his face now. Especially since Shiro is the one being emotional, but Adam always has been a hard read. 

&& inwardly, he’s been prepared for Shiro’s ire and wrath for so long, his guilt a blade turned on himself -- the soft admission ... is unexpected and startles him.  Adam stares, perhaps a while too long before he steps back out of the door and opens it wider-- “ ...come in. “ He bids, too tense to offer a smile but he would TRY if he could.  Instead his pulse races wild and there’s a lead weight in his stomach. 

I WANTED TO HEAR YOUR VOICE AGAIN.

I MISSED YOU. 

He wants to answer each sentiment in kind but he can’t.  TRAGEDY isn’t an appropriate binding, they’d fallen apart long before KERBEROS and Adam can’t glue them back together on all the sadness they experienced apart.  Nothing scared him as bad as the BELIEF that he was living in a world where Takashi Shirogane was not. 

     Doesn’t take a genius to figure out that his homecoming isn’t exactly sweet for some people. He’d never expected it from someone he’d loved more than life itself. Someone who held his hands and told him that this disease wasn’t going to change how he felt.  S o m e  god forsaken part of him had begged Adam to leave. While the chips were down and counted. So they didn’t have to count down together. But he hadn’t. The stubborn bastard stayed and it had meant more than anything anyone could have ever told him.

     Then he didn’t and it wasn’t just  h i s  fault. On some level Shiro recognized that he’d begun his dissent a little too early and started sawing off the limbs of the tree he was sitting on. No more solid foundation for him, no more Adam. Single handedly, he’d cut out his own heart.

     It’s why he isn’t as surprised as he ought to be when Adam’s gaze meets his and there’s nothing but what Shiro presumes is animosity towards him as the contact breaks and he melds with the greeting crowd. He’s not surprised, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. Feels like the cavity of his chest is being torn open yet again and just for the hell of it someone’s tossed in broken glass.

     The treatment doesn’t change from debriefing to debriefing, casual glances out of the side of his eye, full on staring when Adam’s attention is far from him. He can feel Iverson’s sympathetic glower over his shoulder and there’s a sickening little voice whispering that he shouldn’t have come back. He shouldn’t have. The rest of the team were needed. Takashi Shirogane was just… d e a d    w e i g h t  and no one but Keith would feel a damn thing if he were gone.

     Everyone could function without him. Adam had.

     That doesn’t stop him from trying, at least in the endeavor to mend things far enough they can collaborate with the MFE’s, test their teamwork alongside Voltron’s. It wouldn’t be his call to make, but if he can build the bridge and watch them meet in the middle, that’d be just fine with him. Adam’s gotten incredibly good at hide and seek lately and it takes him an embarrassingly long time to corner him (despite the achievement having nothing to do with his own efforts and more like dumb luck) but when those eyes finally meet his and snap back down to the steaming drink cradled between his hands, Shiro’s expression is nothing but polite professionalism.

     Until he approaches the table and the uncertainty of what Adam’s first words are going to be. What that tone is going to do to him. Suck it up buttercup, you’ve got a job to do. He toys with the heated porcelain of his own black coffee, breathing in the aroma of dark beans in a double strength brew and he’s thriving on it. Subdued by the clearing of his own throat as he works up the courage to say something. Anything.

“What you’ve done with Team Ares is amazing…”

Prior to this moment, he’d been certain nothing could be worse than Shiro deciding to HATE him -- for any reason at all.  The leaving, the lack of faith, the disappearing act and hiding and running -- but no, he’s wrong.  THIS is worse.  Shiro’s face when he looks up again is a mask of business, speaking to an OFFICER, or a SUBORDINATE, like they don’t know each other.  

That ... that’s worse. 

Adam could have handled anger, or tears, he thinks.  He’d been prepared for something as hellish and tumultuous as his own heart feels.  Apathy, indifference -- he wasn’t ready for those. 

His throat goes dry and it takes too long to figure out a decent answer, and he knows it must sound horrifyingly calculated and distant.  That it must sound put together and fake. 

“ ...I haven’t done that much, in truth.  They’re amazing cadets. “ Which IS more or less true, but he’d never say it in front of them.  No need to go and inflate any egos.  Not that the team isn’t well aware what an amazing job they do -- what potential they have.  Adam may not be the most nurturing commander -- but he tries to let them know. 

The next bit though, feels more natural, although incredibly halting and cautious.  “ I should be saying that to you.  About what you’ve done with Voltron. “  ( This is awkward, isn’t it?  If it isn’t, then he’s most certainly overthinking it.  The desire to BOLT is so prevalent.  The minute he can find an excuse, he will.  He’s thankful for the cover over his prosthetic.  He doesn’t want Shiro to know.  If he could hide the rest of the damage, he would -- but those scars are harder to hide. )  

He wasn’t given much of a choice on the matter of ATTENDING.  Iverson made it clear that the expectation was there.  That he needed to be present to greet the returning cadets -- and Shiro.  That.  That’s the part that gives him pause, standing back away from the rest of them, a face in a line praying Shiro won’t even notice him.  ( What would be WORSE?  To be noticed or passed over without a second thought?  His mind answers with ease but his heart is UNSURE. ) 

Is it horrible not to run and greet him or simply expected?  Iverson gives him a STARE of disapproval as he approaches them FONDLY, but Adam never budges from the back of the crowd.  REUNIONS, cherished loved ones finding each other again -- he doesn’t belong in this. 

He thinks he can be strong enough not to look -- but he does.  He can’t help but look and he finds Shiro’s eyes over the crowd, drawn to him with an ease as though he hasn’t changed. (He’s SELF - CONSCIOUS under those eyes.  He rips his gaze away as though he’s been burned even from dozens of feet of DISTANCE.  Fuck. ) 

White is a good color on him -- and he notices the arm, or, that is to say the lack of one immediately and is SICK beneath the revelation.  Shiro wears his scars with a sort of GRACE Adam can’t manage.  He doesn’t wait around long enough to see what else happens.  The minute that he can, he slips away back into the base and ardently avoids Shiro’s path.  ( He’ll be busy with debriefings and meetings for a bit, that buys him some TIME -- time while he runs from this, too. ) 

Running from this, it turns out, is significantly harder than running from the rest of his problems.  Shiro is in the halls and in meetings, and his expression wavers between the desire to talk and the desire to give him space.  Adam can’t help but think that’s a very Shiro disposition to have, even as he pivots on his heel to go in the opposite direction as he sees him down one hall.  

It’s exhausting.

Logically, he knows he can’t run forever.  One of the MFE Pilots remarks to him that he should just face it.  ( It was Rizavi.  She can’t keep her nose out of his private life. )  He makes them run extra drills just for the trouble.

Adam will not greet Shiro as though he’s happy to see him when he first comes back from space.  Actually, Adam doesn’t even show up to greet them.  He avoids Shiro as though he’s a very, very guilt inducing plague.  Adam is running from a lot of shit -- especially post s7.  He didn’t deal well with the news of Shiro’s death to begin with, and learning that Shiro was still alive and out there and Adam never had the decency or faith to have his back causes him immense guilt.