Cody Pryde

unalive: reax

I’m emotional again because I feel like I could die by suicide or from doing something reckless and my family would feel validated that they were right. They’re not wrong and I’m just overemotional or unstable. They can’t accept any fucking responsibility or accountability in how they treat me. It fucking pisses me off. Growing up with emotionally unavailable parents really fucked me up. They never did anything difficult for me? My mom loves building shit and buying shit -- she did a lot of that for me. My dad loves finances and would organize my life. Now I feel like I OWE them? But they’re failing to understand me in my new exploration of gender and gaslighting me into believing that are. When I tell them they’re not, they tell me I’m too sensitive. It’s never THEM. I’m tired of dealing with emotional baggage from OTHER people. I have enough of my own emotional/mental baggage to deal with. I blocked my entire family out of my life today. Blocked their numbers and all their social media platforms. I need to protect my peace. Good-fucking-bye.

iiiiiiiii am so tired of it !

why don’t i post more thirst traps?

do i find myself having a drug problem? or is it a problem finding drugs.

I bombed my quiz today. It’s frustrating how much self-worth you put into this shit just to feel like a failure. If I can’t even get through an open-note quiz on Monday how the hell am I going to be okay at the exam Wednesday? I’m too old to be doing this school shit. Carrying this anxiety for so much of my life can’t be healthy. I’ve talked to multiple doctors about it too and they’re all kinda just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ “u should do something about that!” No shit that’s why I brought it up lmao???

i just want to feel happy again. was i ever happy? i can’t remember. why is everything feeling so cloudy? why am i still having these emotions? they feel so pointless. i’m tired of hurting and being hurt. i just want to skip ahead in my life years at a time. where’s the fast forward button? pharmacy school is so fucking toxic. i keep saying, “i want to go home.” but i am home. where am i supposed to go? what am i supposed to do? i want a change but there’s nothing to change without drastically making my life more difficult. trapped.

I miss me.