Amazing but also an asshole

1- When did you start playing Choices? What was the first book you played? 

I first started playing in June 2018. The Royal Romance was the first book I played, and I got hooked from the end of the first chapter. At the time, they were midway through releasing TRR book 3, so I binged books 1 & 2 and finally caught up on the day of the wedding, where the chapter ended with the attack at the boutique. Then I didn’t know what to do with myself because it was the first time I had to wait a week to find out what was going to happen.

2- When and why did you join Choices fandom?

Finding Tumblr was a complete accident. I was googling something really dumb about Liam and TRR and happened to stumble across a link for a fic on Tumblr. At the time, I didn’t know what Tumblr was; I’d heard of it but had no idea what it consisted of. The fic I came across was around 40+ chapters, and I was in my glory reading this angsty story about Liam, but it wasn’t finished, so when I reached the last updated chapter, I was like, “I need more.” So I opened Tumblr and searched for more Liam fics and found a trove. I lurked for another month or so before finally making my account in September 2018.

3- How did you pick your blog name? 

I wish I had some good story for it, but it’s the most basic thing, lol. It’s just my initials and a significant date. I think if I came into the fandom with the intention of actually doing something with the blog, I would have tried to come up with something a little more clever and creative, but I had zero intention of doing anything but reading. I thought about changing it a few years ago, but when I learned that I’d have to relink everything in my masterlist, it didn’t seem worth the hassle.

4- Pull up the first post in your archive, and tell us about it!  

It’s from the day TRR 3 ended and it’s about how I was sad that it was over but was glad that I had all these stories to read.

5- How long have you been writing fanfiction?

I’d never written anything until I joined the fandom, so I’ve only been writing for almost five years now. The thought of writing didn’t even cross my mind when I joined the fandom, but within a couple of weeks of making my blog, I had a random idea pop up in my head, and for some reason, I decided to write it down. A few days later, after talking myself out of posting and then talking myself back into it, I bit the bullet. For me to post a story that I wrote was entirely out of my comfort zone. I’m pretty shy and tend to be more of a wallflower, so I don’t usually put myself out there, especially like that, and I’ve never been someone who does something where I intentionally set myself up, knowing there is a very good chance that I will fail. And social media on any platform can be a pretty intimidating and terrifying place when you open yourself up, especially to strangers, even by way of posting a measly little fanfic. So to say I was terrified of posting that first fic is an understatement, but I’m so glad that I did.

6- What is your favorite Choices book, and what is your favorite Choices book to write about?

The Royal Romance will always be my favorite. It was the first book I ever played and was the only one I played for well over a year (I just kept replaying over and over and over until @cocomaxley convinced me to give MotY a try, which I fell in love with). It’s my comfort book. And like every book, it definitely has its flaws, but I love it and the characters so much. And TRR is my favorite book to write about. Liam will always be my number one guy.

7- Share the first fanfic you wrote with us. Do you still like it, or would you change it if you were writing it today?

The first fic that I wrote was I Dare You. It’s not an all-time favorite of mine, but I like it well enough that I wouldn’t change anything about it.

8- What is your favorite fic that you’ve written?

This is tough because I have a few that I love for different reasons, but I think Always You will always be the most special to me because it was the first series I wrote that I can truly say I poured my whole heart into. I love that story, and I love the history between Liam and the OC, their bond, and their relationship. 

9- Do you have a fic that you didn’t expect to be well received, but it was? What about one you expected to be but found could use a little more love?

When I decided to start Hopeless Hearts, I didn’t think it would be received any differently from most things I’d written before. It was an idea I’d kept on the back burner for over 2 years prior to writing it because I didn’t think it was anything spectacular or out of the box. It turned out to be my most well-received series, and it became one of my personal favorites as well.

I don’t think anything I’ve written has left me feeling as though I wished it had gotten more. I’m still surprised to this day that anyone wants to read anything I’ve written at all, so any love that my fics get is beyond appreciated.

10- If you could write only angst, fluff, or smut for the rest of your writing life, which would it be and why? 

Angst (but with a HEA). I love putting my characters through the wringer before giving them that happily ever after they deserve. Whether I’m reading or writing, there’s something about feeling the pain and longing they’re going through that gets me emotionally invested. I think that’s why I love the second chance romance trope so much, too. It’s a really versatile trope, but there’s a lot of room for angst in those kinds of stories because of that established history between the characters and a past that tore them apart the first time around.

11- Do you ever recognize yourself in any of your MCs or in your writing?

I think I sprinkle a little bit of myself into all of my MCs/OCs. It’s usually something small like a favorite food, a hobby, certain mannerisms, etc. I think the one that I’ve added more of myself into than any other and can relate to the most personality wise would definitely be Charlotte.

12- What element of writing do you struggle with most?

I struggle with all of it here and there, and I’m constantly questioning whether something makes sense, if it’s flowing together, if it’s too descriptive or not descriptive enough, etc. I think the one area I most consistently struggle with is deciding where and how to end because I always want to leave my chapters with a cliffhanger or if I’m finishing something for good, I want to give it the ending it deserves. 

13- Do you have any neglected work you really want to finish?

I have quite a few that are unfinished that I know I more than likely won’t ever pick back up, mostly because I just lost my mojo for them, but there are definitely some that I want to finish. I’d really like to get back to Past Meet Present one day. I don’t even remember why I got off track with writing it, and it’s been at least two years or more since I last updated it 🫣 so I’m not sure if anyone would even still be interested at this point, but I’d really like to finish that along with Breaking Point and Us Again.

14- If someone you know in real life (who isn’t involved in fandoms) asked to read your work, would you let them? If yes, what would you recommend they read first? 

No. Maybe. I don’t know, lol. I try to be a “never say never” kind of person, but writing is something that I’ve done for almost five years that literally no one in my real life knows about. Not my friends, not my family, not a single soul. It’s like my dirty little secret. And it’s a little tough because it does get lonely sometimes when you have something that you love doing so much but you just feel like you can’t share or aren’t ready to share that part of yourself with even those closest to you. I’m a pretty self-conscious person, and posting on here where I can hide behind a screen is hard enough; I get nervous and have a good spike of anxiety every time I post something, no matter what it is. I don’t know if I could handle someone who knows me personally even knowing that I write, let alone actually reading something I’ve written. I’ve got the bubble gut just thinking about it 🥴

15 - Are there any writers (published authors and/or fanfic writers) who influenced your writing? 

I’ve been lucky enough to talk to and befriend some amazing and talented people in the time I’ve been here who I’ve certainly looked up to when it comes to their writing talents. And there are also those writers who I got to know after I’d been writing for a while that not only continued to inspire me with their amazing stories and talent but who also became a huge support and really close friends. They were and/or are always willing to brainstorm, look over snippets, help in those moments when I’ve been extra critical of myself and feeling very unsure, and/or have just been the absolute best cheerleaders and constantly supportive and encouraging to not only me but others as well. I don’t want to make a list because I always end up forgetting someone and I don’t want to leave anyone out, but anyone that fits that bill above, you know how much I love and appreciate each one of you.

16- Which one of your stories would you most like to see as a movie/series? 

I’d say either Always You or Hopeless Hearts for a movie. Series I think Full Disclosure with some Charlotte shenanigans would be pretty fun 😂

17- Do you write original fiction? 

I haven’t. I’ve been asked a few times about whether I’ve thought about turning a couple of my series into original stories, but I just don’t think I’ll have the confidence to ever do it 😬

18 -  What other hobbies do you have?

I do photography. I love calligraphy and making hand drawn quote signs on wood or canvas. I love to read — I’m currently in my fantasy girl era and have been obsessing over the ACOTAR series for months, lol. 

19 - What’s your favorite emoji? 

I use so many to express myself in conversations that I think it would be hard to pick just one. My most commonly used ones: 💀 😂 🥲 😬 😍 🥴 🥹

20: BONUS - tell us anything you’d like (if you want to).

I just want to thank CFWC for working so hard to help keep this fandom active and supporting everyone here. 

To anyone who’s taken any time to read my stories and interact with me in any way, I appreciate it more than I can say. 

Genevieve grinned from ear to ear as Drake, Anitah, and Liam entered her’s and Rashad’s quarters in Domvallier. “Soooo? How did it go?”

Rashad and Maxwell were set up to start a card game once Drake and Liam arrived. Genevieve and Erin were waiting for Anitah so they could watch a movie. Everyone turned their attention to Drake, who glared directly at Genevieve. “Gen, she has grandkids that are our age! Why? Just why?”

Genevieve broke out into raucous laughter and a series of snorts. “Because it was for my sheer entertainment. I need to hear all the details.”

*****

Drake’s friends had taken it upon themselves to set him up on a series of dates. They said it was time to move on and get himself out there again. Despite his objections, he found his social calendar fuller than he liked.

Most of his friends had picked women that were part of the noble court. Some dates had actually gone well. Olivia didn't stab him with anything, but the “date” wasn't so much of a date; it was more like two friends having dinner. He had also met with Kiara and Penelope. He couldn’t wait until the end of the evening on both occasions.

Tonight was Genevieve’s pick. Drake walked into a swanky Italian restaurant to meet with someone Genevieve knew from work, and she swore that they would be a great match. Drake didn't know whether to be hopeful or suspicious. He knew better; he was most definitely suspicious.

The Maitre d’ greeted him at the front podium. “How can I help you, Signore?”

Drake could feel the heat rise to his cheeks; he hated anything pretentious. He should have known that Genevieve would want him to be as uncomfortable as possible, but he was going to show her. He was going to make the best of this evening.

When Drake was shown to his table, he saw a woman in a respectable black pantsuit. She had her back to him, but as he approached, he felt a glimmer of hope when he noticed she was a brunette. He tried to hide the surprise on his face when he saw that this woman was elderly. She looked like she could be his grandmother.

She flashed him a sweet smile. “Drake Walker?”

Drake could feel his forehead begin to sweat. All he could do was nod. The woman stood from her seat with the help of a cane, then held out her hand.

“My name is Gertrude Schmidt. It's nice to meet you, Drake.”

He took her hand in his and shook it. “Erm … it's nice to meet you, uh, ma’am.”

She raised her brow. “Ma’am? That’s not a pet name you should call your date, despite her age.”

The perspiration made its way down to his palms. He wanted nothing more than to run out the door, but he didn't want to be rude.

“I- I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it.”

*****

Anitah burst out laughing, interrupting Drake. “You should have seen your face when you saw us at the restaurant. I thought you were going to burst into flames!”

Drake fake laughed. “You are all horrible friends! The worst! Including you, Liam! Your face couldn’t even hide how you were feeling! King of Stoicism my ass.”

*****

Drake heard a familiar voice call his name. He looked up and saw Liam, Anitah, and Regina walking towards them. For a slight moment, Liam’s stoic facade broke. He cleared his throat and greeted the couple. “Mrs. Schmidt, Drake. This is a … surprise.”

Regina embraced her old friend and the two women started to talk. “My dear, Gertty, you always did like them young, didn’t you?” she chuckled.

Drake could feel his face get even hotter at Regina’s comment. He watched as Liam kissed Gertrude on the cheek then extended his hand towards Drake. Drake tightened his grip on Liam’s hand and pulled him close so he could whisper, “If you tell anyone about this, I will fucking kill you. Do you understand?”

Once the awkward encounter with his friends was done, the two of them took their seats just as the server came to the table with a set of menus. Gertrude reached into her handbag and retrieved a pair of reading glasses. Drake swore they magnified her eyes, making them much larger than normal. He finally managed to tear his gaze away from the woman to read through the menu. He choked on his water when he saw the prices of the entrees.

After placing their orders, Drake opened and closed his mouth, unsure of how to start a conversation. Finally, he blurted out, “So do you have grandkids?” He groaned as the words came out of his mouth. “Kids. I meant kids.”

“Why, yes, I do have grandchildren. Fifteen of them actually.” She pulled out her thick wallet and opened it, exposing plastic wallet inserts that held at least twenty photos. Gertrude droned on and on about every single grandchild, telling Drake about their hobbies, likes, and dislikes. Not wanting to engage about his personal life, he decided it would be best to listen.

*****

As Drake continued his story, a chuckle escaped him. “She was telling me about her twelfth grandkid when her dentures flew out of her mouth.” Drake swiftly moved his hand from in front of his mouth to show the trajectory of the false teeth. “They landed right by my plate, and I tried so hard not to look horrified. Then, I felt bad for being horrified, so I picked them up and handed them back to her.”

Erin was laying on the floor holding her stomach. No one could describe the sounds that were coming out of her mouth. It was like a strangled screech. “You touched her dentures! Gen, this was such a good idea!”

*****

When their meals were served, Drake hoped that it would allow for silence. Unfortunately he was wrong; Gertrude kept talking in between bites. Thankfully she still hadn't asked Drake about himself. At the end of the evening, Drake begrudgingly handed over his credit card to pay the bill, but Gertrude yanked the check out of his hand.

“I'm not a traditional kind of gal, Drake. I don't mind paying for a date. You can repay me in other ways...” She gave him a flirtatious wink which made him begin to sweat again. Oh my fuck, is she going to expect me to sleep with her in exchange for dinner?

When they exited the restaurant, Gertrude faced Drake. His heart raced, unsure if this woman was expecting a goodnight kiss that he did not want to give. Instead she pinched his cheek. “I’m sorry, Drake. I had a wonderful evening, but … you're just not my type.”

Drake didn't know whether to feel relieved or insulted. His facial expression didn't hide his confusion. Gertrude let out a shriek of laughter. “Gen said it would be hilarious to see you squirm, and boy was she right!” She handed him a business card and said, “this is my granddaughter’s phone number. Stella is an equine vet and your real date.”

Gertrude continued to laugh as she walked towards a black stretch limo, leaving Drake stunned where he stood.

*****

Alicia was crying at this point. “Hey, at least it wasn’t a complete loss. You got another date out of it.”

Drake rolled his eyes at her and turned to his nemesis. “You're a dick.”

Genevieve looked up at him with a wide grin. “But you love me.”

He shook his head, still smiling. “Yeah, yeah. Like a damn hemorrhoid.”

*****

“Ah, hell,” Liam grumbled as he looked at his phone.

“Why so glum, chum?” Maxwell asked as he perused the chocolate options inside the candy shop.

“I have to head back to the palace,” Liam replied as he sent a quick message to Drake. “An impromptu meeting just came up with Lord Neville,” he rolled his eyes.

“But you haven’t helped me find Charlotte’s gift yet!”

“I’m not helping you find a gift, Maxwell. I’m supervising because you have a knack for getting her the most ridiculous gifts, ones she doesn’t need.”

“I do not!”

“Oh? Then explain the submarine that got dropped off in the middle of the palace driveway, with a giant red bow on top of it for her birthday!”

Maxwell started to explain, “Well, what had happened was …” Liam rolled his eyes. Here we go, he thought to himself. “Charlotte and I were talking about how cool it would be to swim with sharks in the ocean, right? When you swim with sharks, you have to be in those metal cages and stuff. So I thought, why not get her a submarine? Then, we can observe them in their habitat without, ya know, getting eaten or dying. AND, it was for five people! You, me, Charlotte, Drake, and Bas.” He counted on his fingers as he named each person. “It was genius, really. You’re welcome.”

Liam blinked his eyes slowly and shook his head. “I just sent a message to Drake to let him know so he can come to supervise. He said to tell you not to buy a damn thing and to meet him at his truck.”

****

Inside a Valtoria sub shop, Drake’s stomach rumbled as he watched them load his massive sub with everything. Having been out shopping with Liam and Maxwell most of the day, he was starving. He watched them wrap it up and grinned when they handed it to him, thanking them before moving towards the door. When he stepped out onto the sidewalk, he made his way back towards his truck; he planned to drop off what bags he had and eat while waiting for Maxwell.

“Hey!”

Drake heard a familiar raspy voice, and he glanced down at the sidewalk. “Hey, Jimbo.”

“Hi-ya, fucker,” another voice squawked.

Drake’s eyes narrowed and slid up to Jimbo’s shoulder. “Hi, Fiona.”

“Fucker.”

Drake shook his head. “Does she know any other words?”

“A bunch!” Jimbo spat, clearly offended. “She’s smart! And she can sing too!”

Jimbo was known as the Valtorian Vagrant; he was filthy, ragged, wore an eye patch, and had a total of five teeth. Fiona was his blue macaw. He camped out in various places around Valtoria, begging for food and money, but Fiona tended to scare most people away with her vocabulary choices. No one knew who Jimbo was nor where he had come from; he strolled into town one day with a parrot on his shoulder like some hippie pirate and just never left.

Jimbo had an unusual way to ask for help, too, and because of that, Charlotte immediately took a liking to him. The first time she came across him, his sign read, “I need some weed. All donations will be smoked.” Ever since, when Charlotte would come into town, she would look for Jimbo just to see his sign. Last week, while Drake was out with her and Eleanor so she could get a gift for Liam, Jimbo’s sign said, “Too ugly to prostitute.” That led to Eleanor asking Liam a slew of questions later that evening as Charlotte and Drake laughed while trying to explain why Cordonia’s Princess was inquiring about Cordonian courtesans.

But what Charlotte enjoyed most about Jimbo wasn’t his signs. It was Fiona, his foul-mouthed bird. The Queen of Cordonia found the way Fiona cursed like a sailor hilarious; she had at least 15 videos of the parrot on her phone. And Fiona loved Charlotte. She would always go to her and sit perched on her arm while the Queen spoiled her with treats; Jimbo said she didn’t do that with anyone else.

Drake glanced down at Jimbo’s sign for the day: “I’ll bet you a dollar you’ll read this.” He shook his head as he pulled a dollar from his pocket and tossed it into his tin cup. “It’s going to be cold tonight, Jimbo,” Drake said. “You should find someplace warm for the night.”

“I have whale blubber for skin! Nothing is too cold for Jimbo!”

“Asshole *squawk* Fucker.”

“Shut it, Fiona,” Drake spat. “And don’t say I didn’t warn you when you’re freezing your ass off later.”

“What are you doing out?” the man asked, changing the subject.

“Last minute Christmas shopping.”

“Did ya finish?”

“Almost. I only have Charlotte left, but I have no idea what to get her.”

“Get her some liquor! Everyone loves some good booze!”

“Liquor, Asshole!”

Drake side-eyed the bird before looking back at Jimbo. “That’s not a bad idea, but she’s the Queen. She has any kind of liquor she wants at her disposal. I need to think outside the box.”

Jimbo’s eyes fell on the wrapped 14-inch sub poking out of one of Drake’s bags. “Whatcha got there?” he inquired.

“The Mammoth from the sub shop.”

“What’s on it?”

“Everything. All the meat,” Drake grinned. “Literally, every kind of meat they have in there is on this sub. And it’s loaded with everything else too like …”

Jimbo’s eyes glistened as he stared at the wrapping and listened to Drake continue to describe what was on it. Drake swore the man’s stomach grumbling could easily have been mistaken for an off-in-the-distance volcanic eruption. Suddenly, Jimbo was pulled from his daze when Fiona bit his ear. “Ow! You little fucker!”

“Fucker!” Fiona squawked.

Drake chuckled. “Well, I need to go catch up with a friend. It was good talking to ya, Jimbo. Hope you stay warm tonight.”

As he started to walk away, Jimbo’s eyes landed on the sub, shifting in Drake’s bag. “Wait!” Drake stopped and turned to face him. “Your Queenie friend … she, uh, she likes my bird …”

“She does,” Drake nodded. “She thinks she’s hilarious,” he chuckled.

“What if … what if I give you my bird here for that there sammich ya got.”

Drake’s brows furrowed. “What?”

“Ya said you needed a Christmas gift for her. She likes my bird. There ya go!”

“You know, I could just go in there and get you a sub, Jimbo. You don’t have to give me Fiona.”

“No, no,” he waved him off. “I have to give ya something. Tis’ the season of giving and all that horseshit.”

“You would seriously trade your beloved pet for a damn sub? That’s kind of fucked, dude.”

“She runs off all my customers!”

“They’re passersby you’re hoping to get some change and scraps of food from. Not customers, Jimbo. And she’s your bird!”

“She’s a fucking menace is what she is!” Just then, Fiona bit Jimbo’s ear again, flapping her feathers. “Asshole!”

“Asshole!” Fiona repeated.

Jimbo looked at Drake. “You need a gift, and I’m fucking hungry! So I’ll trade ya for that sammich! It’s a win-win! And a one-time offer!”

Drake stared at the man, wanting to correct the way he said sandwich while also seriously contemplating his deal. Liam would kill me, he thought. They were out that day to supervise Maxwell against getting Charlotte anything too wild and crazy. And the last thing his best friend would want is for Charlotte to have some f-bomb dropping parrot as a new house pet given to him from the hobo that introduced his precious little Princess to the term prostitute. But he didn’t know what else to get her, and getting Charlotte this parrot that she seemed to love so much would be a pretty damn good gift.

So, did he get the thorn in his side known as Charlotte the bird of her dreams and risk pissing Liam off? Or did he settle for the run-of-the-mill gift that wouldn’t mean half as much?

Thinking back, he did owe Liam some payback …

****

Drake made his way back to his truck with his shopping bags in one hand and a brand new birdcage in the other. A very unhappy Fiona flapped her wings from inside the cage while she continued to curse at her kidnapper.

“Fucker!”

“This has got to be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done,” Drake grumbled to himself.

“Stupid asshole!”

After Drake loaded everything into the truck, he leaned against the door, letting out a breath as he contemplated his choices while waiting for Maxwell. Hearing someone whistling a familiar, upbeat tune, he turned, and his eyes widened in shock as Maxwell skipped towards him.

In his hand was a leash attached to a baby goat.

“What the fuck did you do?” Drake bellowed.

“Cute, isn’t he?” Maxwell couldn’t contain his grin. “Charlotte is going to love him!”

Drake was beside himself. “Max, I told Liam to tell you not to buy anything! And not only do you go and buy something anyway, but you buy a fucking goat?!”

Maxwell opened the rear door of the vehicle and lifted his new friend into the backseat. “I didn’t buy him. I adopted him for Charlotte. There’s a difference, buddy.” Fiona caught Maxwell’s attention. “Oh! Look at the pretty bird!”

Fiona chirped at Maxwell sweetly. “Pretty bird.” Then she snapped her beak when she made eye contact with Drake. “Asshole!”

“Quite the vocabulary,” Maxwell laughed.

Drake ran his hand down his face. He didn’t know how the hell he was going to explain a cussing bird and a baby goat to Liam. At least he had time to come up with some way to explain the petting zoo he was bringing to Valtoria.

The goat began to bleat while Fiona continued to file her complaints. “Help! *squawk* Danger!”

People walking by flashed suspicious looks at Drake. He chuckled nervously as he rolled up the windows. “It’s cold anyway,” he mumbled to himself. He had only rolled the windows down in hopes of keeping his truck from smelling like a barn.

Maxwell turned the volume up on the radio and began to sing, “I don’t want a lot for Christmas, there is just one thing I need. I don’t care about the presents underneath the--”

“Christmas tree,” Fiona chimed in, bobbing her head.

“Fuck my life!” Drake shouted over the music.

Fiona agreed. “Fuck! Asshole!”

*******

On Christmas morning, Maxwell and Drake drove silently to Valtoria; they couldn’t get a word in edgewise with Fiona shouting obscenities at Drake from her cage in the backseat of his truck.

A loud bleat came from the baby goat in Maxwell’s lap, and Drake looked over at him; Maxwell had fashioned him with a denim bow tie and wrapped him in a festive buffalo check blanket. “Liam is going to kill you,” he said, shaking his head and fixating his eyes back on the road.

“Me? Your gift cusses worse than a sailor! If Liam is going to kill anyone, it’s you.”

Drake sighed; he had a point. Liam was not going to be happy at all, but maybe once he saw how happy Fiona was going to make Charlotte, he wouldn’t care. His weak spot was Charlotte’s happiness. “It’s going to be fine.” No, he’s going to kill me.

****

Once they arrived at the estate, the pair exited with their gifts; the goat decided he needed to poop as he walked up each and every step. Drake stepped onto a smelly nugget. “Dammit, Max!”

“Dammit! God Dammit!” Fiona squawked.

Drake took in a deep breath and slowly let it out as he raised his hand and hit the button for the doorbell. A few moments later, the door opened; Bastien was wearing a Santa hat -- no doubt ordered by Charlotte to do so -- and he smiled at both men. The smile slowly faded as his eyes slid down to the squawking parrot inside the cage gripped tightly in Drake’s hands and the baby goat connected to a leash held by Maxwell.

The head guard's eyes slid back up and met the gaze of a nervous-looking Drake; he slowly began to laugh. “Liam’s going to kill you,” he spoke through a chuckle.

“Shut up and help me bring them inside,” Drake grumbled as he stepped by Bastien. “Oh, and Merry Christmas.”

Bastien’s laugh got deeper as he grabbed Drake’s arm to stop him from going further. “Oh, no, no, no. This is a you problem, son.”

Drake pushed past the guard, grumbling under his breath. “Let’s just get this shitshow over with.”

“Shitshow!” Fiona squawked loudly, and it echoed through the grand foyer.

“Ssshhhhhut up!” Drake simultaneously shushed and hissed.

“Asshole!” Fiona replied.

“Why don’t we try to ease into this,” Maxwell suggested. “For now, we can take them into the library, go greet Liam and Charlotte, and we’ll feel out the mood.”

“Ok,” Drake agreed. Drake began to rush Maxwell towards the library when he heard footsteps approaching from the opposite hall.

“You guys finally made it!” Liam called out to his friends.

Without turning around, Drake shoved the birdcage into Maxwell’s arms and pushed him. “Hurry up and go! I’ll distract him.” Drake turned and moved towards Liam. “Heyyyy, Li! Merry Christmas!” He pulled Liam into a bone-crushing hug and swayed his body so that Liam’s line of vision was back on the foyer.

Liam clapped him on the back with a confused laugh. “What’s gotten into you? You don’t greet anyone with a hug …”

“I’m just so excited for Christmas this year! I’m not at all worried or nervous.”

Liam’s brows furrowed. “Uh … ok?” He fixed Drake with a curious look before shaking his head. “Where did Max go?”

“He, uh, he went to hide our presents. We’re going to make Charlotte look for them this year.” Drake groaned at the sorry excuse he just came up with.

Both men looked up as they heard, “Bastard!” followed by a door slamming shut.

Liam looked at Drake in confusion. “What was--”

Drake cut Liam off, slinging his arm over his shoulder. “Let’s go have a drink. A very big drink.”

“It’s 10 in the morning, Drake …”

Clapping Liam on the back, Drake replied, “You’ll thank me later, buddy. Just trust me.”

Drake and Liam walked into the great room of the Valtorian estate; wrapping paper was strewn about, and the floor was littered with all of Eleanor’s new gifts. “Uncle Drake!” Eleanor squealed excitedly as she stood and ran to him.

Drake lifted her in his arms. “Hey, kiddo. Merry Christmas.”

Eleanor sniffed the air. “Do you smell something funny, Uncle Drake? It smells like … like … a barn, maybe?”

Drake laughed nervously. “Heh … uh, no. No, I do not smell anything.”

Bastien snorted as he entered the room. “Just smells like Drake, Princess.”

Drake set Eleanor back down and glanced around the room. “Where’s Char--”

“MERRY CHRIS--” A loud thump cut off the greeting. The men ran into the foyer just in time to see Charlotte pulling herself up from the bottom step. Liam looked from her to the garland she had managed to rip from the railing in the process of her fall gripped tightly in her hand. Charlotte proceeded to drape the garland around her neck like a scarf. “Merry Christmas!” she grinned, acting as though nothing had happened.

****

In the library, Maxwell secured the goat’s leash in place around the base of the large globe in the center of the room. He then lifted Fiona’s cage and set it down nearby. “There you go,” he smiled.

“Out!” Fiona squawked.

“No can do, birdamundo.”

“OUT!” she screeched louder.

Maxwell looked at the bird, flapping her wings inside the cage. “Aw … well, it is Christmas. And it’ll only be for a minute, and then I’ll put you right back inside …”

****

Still waiting for Maxwell, Drake sat with Liam, Charlotte, and Eleanor. Muffled noises got their attention just as Maxwell walked into the room towards Drake. Maxwell frantically whispered into Drake’s ear, “We have a problem. Charlotte’s presents are not very happy about their current situation.”

“You had one job, Max!” Drake hissed. He quickly got up from his seat, and the two men rushed out of the room. Curious about what was happening, Liam and Charlotte followed them towards the library. As they got closer, they could hear more racket coming from the room.

“What the hell is in there?” Charlotte asked in a concerned voice.

Liam held onto Eleanor’s shoulder. “Charlotte, Eleanor, you two stay out here.”

“But I wanna see what’s in there, daddy,” Eleanor pouted.

“Me too!” Charlotte grinned. Liam shot his wife a disapproving glare. “Ok, fine,” she rolled her eyes. “We’ll stay here.”

Liam approached Drake, who had his hand on the doorknob. “Ok, on the count of three, open the door. One … two … three!”

Drake turned the knob, and the three men barreled into the room. Liam looked around in shock; it was destroyed. Books were strewn about, lights were knocked over, and in the center of the room was a shattered globe, which had been gifted to him by Regina. Drake and Maxwell shared a nervous look; Fiona nor the goat were in sight.

“What the hell?” Liam shouted. “What -- who --”

Suddenly, a loud bleat and the clattering of hooves on the marble floor pulled their attention. They glanced over, and Liam’s eyes widened at the sight of a bow-tie-clad baby goat running towards him; the goat rammed the King’s shin with his little head.

Liam jumped back. “What the--” He was cut off by a loud squawk and flapping wings above him before he had a chance to figure out what was happening or where this goat had come from. The men all glanced up to see a blur of blue and gold feathers circling over Drake with a book clutched in its claws.

“Asshole!” The bird released the book, and it landed with a thud on Drake’s head.

“MOTHERFUCK--” Drake growled as he grabbed his head where the corner of the book had hit.

“Why is there so much cursing on this Christmas Day?” Liam bellowed. “And why is there a baby goat and a parrot in my library?”

“Did someone say a baby goat?” Charlotte’s excited voice sounded from the doorway.

“And a parrot?” Eleanor added, coming to stand next to her mother.

Fiona swooped down and perched herself on the back of the baby goat as the men all glanced over at the doorway. Eleanor’s eyes widened at the mess inside the room while Charlotte’s lit up at the sight of the baby goat with a parrot on its back.

“Oh my god!” Charlotte shrieked as she and Eleanor ran towards them. “It’s Fiona!” Charlotte giggled as the bird hopped onto her arm.

Drake slowly looked over to see Liam glaring daggers at him. “Maxwell bought the goat before I met up with him!”

“I adopted it,” Maxwell corrected him.

“And the swearing bird?” Liam asked through gritted teeth.

“Heh,” Drake rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, you see--”

“He got it off a trade with the homeless Valtoria man for a sandwich,” Maxwell laughed. Drake snapped his gaze over to him. “How’s that bus feel?”

“You seriously convinced a homeless man to give you his pet for a sandwich?” Liam asked. “That’s kind of messed up.”

“No! He convinced me!” Drake yelled. “I didn’t just randomly decide to barter with a hobo! The guy practically begged me to take the bird!”

“You were the one who was supposed to supervise, Drake!” Liam growled. “And instead, you show up with a damn baby goat and a cursing parrot?”

“Yeah, well, do Whiskjerkyville and a cow named Cocksadoodle Moo ring a bell?” Drake spat as he placed his hands on his hips. He stared back at Liam, awaiting an answer, but the King’s angry scowl fell as he remained silent. “That’s what I thought! Payback is a bitch!”

Fiona took flight from the goat’s back, squawking. “Jerk! Cock!” She grabbed a vase from a nearby table then made her way back towards Drake; he managed to dodge it before it crashed on the floor. As irritated as he was, Liam could not control the laugh that barreled out of him at this parrot choosing to go to war with Drake; having heard Liam laughing caused Charlotte to burst into giggles. The laughter caught Fiona’s attention; her focus zoned in on Charlotte, her favorite person. The bird flew down onto her shoulder. “Pretty lady!” Fiona squawked.

Charlotte looked at her stunned family. “Liam, Eleanor, this is Fiona. She’s a hoot!”

“Hooters!”

As everyone surrounded Charlotte and Fiona in awe, no one noticed that the remaining pieces of the broken globe were making a hasty exit from the library. A few moments later, there was a loud crash from the front of the estate that made everyone jump. Maxwell looked around the room, his eyes widening in fear. “Hey, uh, guys, where’d the goat go?”

The group rushed out of the library and into the great room; Fiona flew above them towards the melee. They all stopped short when they saw that the baby goat had ravaged through the remaining presents underneath the tree. The goat was devouring a bag of beef jerky, and next to him was a shattered bottle of whiskey; after the last piece of jerky was eaten, the goat began to lap the amber liquid that pooled around the broken glass on the marble floor.

Maxwell shifted uncomfortably from one foot to the other. He held up jazz hands and said in a nervous tone, “Surpriiiissse … Merry Christmas, Charlotte … ”

Liam’s lips were formed in a thin line with a stern look on his face. An uncomfortable silence enveloped the room once again, which was broken by a loud snort, then followed by intense cackling. Charlotte could barely stand straight; she was huddled over with her hands on her knees, laughing hysterically. “He’s wearing a denim bow tie, inhaling beef jerky, and drinking whiskey! He is Drake in a baby goat’s body!” she giggled. “What’s his name, Max?”

With a sigh of relief, Maxwell replied, “He doesn’t have one yet. I thought you’d like to name him.”

Charlotte slapped her thigh as she continued to laugh. “Drake, meet Drake Jr.”

Drake glared at Charlotte. “You’re not naming him that!”

“But he’s you,” Charlotte snorted.

Suddenly, the goat let out a grunt, and they both looked over at him. “Baaaaaurp.”

Charlotte squealed with more laughter at the goat burping, and even Drake couldn’t contain his laugh. “He is so Drake Jr.!” Charlotte exclaimed.

Curious about the commotion, Chance came bounding into the great room, barking loudly; he slid to a stop when he saw Drake Jr. with wrapping paper hanging out of his mouth. The dog tentatively approached the baby goat with his ears perked curiously. Drake Jr. walked towards Chance and rubbed up against him: Chance’s fluffy butt shook furiously as he licked the baby goat’s face. The two new friends jumped and ran around playing in the ample space while Fiona flew circles over the tree.

Charlotte was jumping in place from all of the excitement, hardly able to contain her own. When Drake and Maxwell began cleaning up the mess their gifts had caused, she burst into a full sprint and wrapped her arms around both men, tackling them to the ground face first. She kissed the back of their heads. “Thank you, guys!” she shrieked. “I love Fiona and Drake Jr. so much!”

Drake couldn’t help but smile at how happy she was. “You’re welcome, Brooks. Merry Christmas.”

****

After the chaotic morning settled down, the friends sat in the great room talking. Fiona had settled onto a branch of the Christmas tree, preening her feathers, and Drake Jr. was passed out on the floor at his namesake’s feet.

Liam’s annoyance at the irresponsible Christmas gifts had subsided, and he was back to his usual cheery self. When he let out a hearty laugh at something Charlotte said, it caught Fiona’s attention; she stared at the king intently before she came down from her branch and landed on the coffee table directly in front of him.

She let out a low whistle. “Hello *squawk* Hunky.”

Liam chuckled at the bird’s words. “Hello, Fiona. You are a pretty bird, aren’t you?”

Fiona chirped and bobbed her head at the compliment, and Drake narrowed his eyes on her. “She has done nothing but cuss at me, and she’s flirting with you?”

“She’s a bird, Drake. Don’t be jealous,” Liam laughed.

Drake’s voice caught Fiona’s attention, and she looked at him, clicking her beak in a warning. “Asshole!”

Charlotte shook in her seat as she giggled and snuggled closer to Liam on the sofa. Fiona’s demeanor towards her favorite person suddenly changed when she observed Charlotte planting a sweet kiss on Liam’s cheek as his arm wrapped around her. “Whore!”

Charlotte’s eyes widened at the same time Liam’s mouth fell open. “Hey!” she yelled. “We’re supposed to be friends!”

The bird flapped its wings in what seemed to be a sign of aggression towards the Queen. “Mine! Mine! Mine!”

“Looks like the Queen has some competition,” Drake grinned.

****

The rest of the day went without much more drama. Fiona became extra sweet and loving towards Charlotte, but only if Liam wasn’t in the room; the bird seemed to take more than just a liking to the King and did not like when he showed affection towards his wife in any way. Charlotte was no longer Fiona’s favorite.

The only other thing that Drake Jr. ate that he shouldn’t have was a grinch squishmallow, which made Drake Sr. quite happy to get rid of.

At the end of the evening, Drake and Maxwell retired to their rooms in the estate. Eleanor was tucked in and sound asleep.

When Liam re-entered the great room, he couldn’t help but smile. Charlotte was sitting on the floor with Chance and Drake Jr. snuggled together, sleeping on her lap, and Fiona sat perched atop her head like the star on the Christmas tree behind them.

“Mwah!” Fiona chirped as she placed a soft peck on Charlotte’s head.

Charlotte giggled. “This is the best Christmas ever!”