Pretty Guardian

I will not interact with anyone under 18 as I may reblog or post about nsfw topics.

DNI: basic criteria, -18, radqueers, proship/fic, radfem/TERFS, cishet men, empty blogs

𑣲⋆ This blog is mainly for me to post about sapphicism and bisexuality without judgement. This is my virtual diary. I’ll also talk about insecurities, yearning, disabilities, and other topics. I’m chronically ill with some psychological disorders, my main hindrance comes from fibromyalgia and POTS. I have other suspected disorders I'm being evaluated for.

Tag navigation ⤸ ݁ ˖Ი𐑼 #diary of a weird teenage girl- my blog entries #Liam!! - pics of me

Side Blogs ⤸ ݁ ˖Ი𐑼 @/aladaptive - My digital reading archive

𑣲⋆ Send me asks, DMs, anything! I want to meet more sapphics and queer people in general, I’m not able to meet a lot of people in person (health limitations💔). I may be shy, but I love talking to people! I'm okay with all interactions but nothing extremely explicit.

My body is not designed to be held in that way. My chronic pain would probably flare up following the moment. A joint could slip, a tendon could snap. My heart rate would sky rocket and my body would go weak. I’m not made for intimacy. It’s cruel how another form of affection would harm me.

I want to experience it someday. I want someone to choose me despite my health issues. Someone who would see me and still choose to hold me gently. But sex isn’t always about deep, passionate love.

I linked sex with emotion, love, and commitment for so long that the thought of sleeping with another and potentially breaking up terrifies me. It nags at the back of my mind when I imagine a future relationship. I guess I’m hung up on sharing a “piece” of myself with someone else and if they leave, they take it with them. But I assume it comes from purity culture and the sick misogynistic concept of virginity.

Dating apps are brutal in this aspect. It's a cycle, rinse and repeat. "No, that's racist and you shouldn't say that." "Hey, that language is homophobic and even if seemingly harmless to you is actually damaging." It's the same teaching, the same parenting for grown men who never learned empathy. You get your hopes up and realize the conversation will lead to you cutting them off once they reveal their true colors. You expect them to listen but know your words won't break through years of unchallenged bigotry. In my area, many live in echo chambers of misogyny and homophobia. You get depressed. You think to yourself "he was really sweet for the first couple days. He seemed to care about this and would message first. Now he's not who I thought him to be." But you catch yourself in the desperation and longing. You think, is he who I thought he was or who I wanted him to be? Where is the separation of fantasy from reality in my mind?

Then it grows deeper. You question "would I even fit with him? Would he even respect my identity and my queerness? Am I a fetish to him? Or does he disregard who I am and the beliefs I stick to? Do you not see who I am?" When I speak with these men, I always come back to the same question: is my being a Black bisexual woman of no importance?You're like an object to some of them; your identity is of no importance.

You, the man on the other end, can see on my profile where I say I'm bisexual and disabled, but you surround yourself with people who hold bigoted beliefs. Sometimes they hold those views themself. Then you find yourself pressing them. "Why are you using that language, why do you beat around the bush regarding politics?" My dating pool is mainly concentrated of these types of men. The South is beautiful in culture but brutal in the datingscape. When I do come across a man whose political values align with mine, my brain scans how they present themselves.

When I am attracted to a man, cishet in the context of this post, he has to have some clear effort in his appearance. Long hair that's styled, multiple piercings, coordinated jewelry, intentional outfits that also show trait of their personality. There has to be something about his presentation, but usually there's not. It's like a blank page of paper to me. A barren wall with not art.

I wonder if my standards are too high or specific in terms of appearance. I narrowed down my dating pool unintentionally. Am I picky? I feel like I can't relate much to others regarding attraction to men. Gender presentation guides my attraction. Someone has to be bold, loud (metaphorically), alternative, against the status quo, for my eyes to notice.

That's where my disconnect with bisexuality comes in. It's not to say I'm not bisexual, I know I am. But the way I see many people describe their attraction makes me wonder if I'm faulty or not doing it right. When someone describes their bisexuality online and garners thousands of likes, I usually don't relate. When I'm attracted to femininity, it's usually alternative Black fems. I don't know why I'm mainly attracted to masculinity, not limited to men but multiple genders.

It's hard trying to understand myself when it feels like I'm limited to what I feel on the inside. My head is the only place I can reference. There's no one I can relate to. I feel like I'm in a grey area where there's no specific word or label for me. Maybe I don't need a label but feel I do because of my uncertainty and desire for belonging.