ɴᴏ ᴍᴏʀᴇ

bodie’s head couldn’t think of words fast enough to keep estelle with him. before he could speak, she was already walking away. and it hurt. every step she took felt like a kick in the head. all of the years they had spent talking to each other online had lead up to this week, the first time he’d get to see her in person. and now, bodie feared it’d be the last time he’d ever get to see her–to hear her, to talk to her. every step she took away from him solidified that. “estelle, wait,” he called out, finally picking his feet off the ground and walking after her. she didn’t deserve to hear his begging, or to offer him any forgiveness. she didn’t deserve him, at all, knowing what he’d done to her. she was better off without him. but bodie wasn’t certain he would live without estelle in his world. “please, just–listen to me, please.” when he was close enough, bodie grabbed her arm, just light enough to stop her. “you… i will leave here tonight. i’ll get my stuff from your place tonight, i’ll get a ticket out of here, you don’t have to deal with me. but, i will always be here for you. i won’t bug you, i won’t try to reach out, if you don’t want me to. and–” he was rambling, and he could have kept going on, but bodie knew his words were no good to her right now. he reached down into his pocket, and pulled out an envelope, folded over a few times, crinkled around the edges. bodie stood with it in his hand before holding it out for estelle. it had her name written on the front, in his somewhat-neat handwriting. “estelle, you are my best friend. and i know you’re mad, you probably hate me, but… if one day you don’t, i… wrote that for you to read.” bodie didn’t try to guilt her into taking it–if he wanted to, he could tell her about the days he spent writing the perfect letter, the multiple drafts it took until he said everything he needed to say, and said it right. it was up to her. it was the last peace offering he had to give.

"i’m sorry! i didn’t even want to come because i knew this would happen! i never, ever, ever wanted to hurt you. i didn’t want to make you said or to disappoint you. i tried, and i tried, but every time i brought it up you got so excited and so happy–and i fucked up. i know i fuck up! i fuck everything up!” the last part was more of a tangent than bodie had intended. it had been on his mind––well, it lived in his mind, constantly. but whenever he saw how happy estelle was, all he could think about was how badly he had hurt her. before she even knew, it was all he could think about. “don’t say that. estelle, if you want to go, then you should go! don’t not go because of me. i won’t be with you, but, we’ll text, and we’ll call, and it will be just like it always has been! if that’s what is better for you, then i want that.” bodie lowered his voice, trying to find estelle’s eyes. it was hard under the night light, and even harder as she kept turning away from him. “i don’t know what do to from here. i never wanted to get to here. but you know i have to leave home. you know that! no one wants me there. and you–you have people who love you here. i don’t have that. i tried, estelle, i’m just… i’m sorry.” 

"how was i supposed to tell you to stop packing! i couldn’t, est… i–” bodie was growing frustrated. not with her, of course. at himself. he hated himself, more than ever–more than anything. his inability to get into the same school ( or one closer to her, for god’s sake ), his reluctance to tell her, his damn lying when he talked about his bags being packed… everything had piled up until the lie was too big to rationalize anymore. and even then, he didn’t stop lying. “please, estelle,” as she got further from him, bodie took a step closer, “please don’t say that. we’ve waited all this time to do something together–to be together, for once. this is all we have wanted, for years.” bodie didn’t know what he was begging for; he didn’t expect her forgiveness or acceptance. “if you’re staying here, it’s okay then, right? you’ll be here, i’ll be here…” its like bodie could feel his argument crumble as the words fell out of his mouth. “i want to try to make it work. it’s not what we had planned, but… if it’s all we can do, don’t you want that? at least?” 

"no–no! no, it’s not you. god, estelle, don’t think that. please.” bodie would rather estelle slap him across the face than begin to blame herself. he figured, in fact, a good punch to the face would help distract him from the rumbling guilt that sat in his chest like hot iron. “i tried. i did… i thought i had done everything right. but i didn’t get accepted, and i didn’t know how to tell you. you were so excited and–i don’t know! i panicked. how am i supposed to tell you that i ruined our plans because i’m not, what, as smart as you? as good?” a round of laughter erupted from the diner–so loud, in fact, that it pulled bodie’s attention away from estelle for a moment. that was supposed to be them. having fun, enjoying their last night together. instead, this is what bodie had done. he turned back towards her, but couldn’t look at her. the hurt on her face was too much to handle. “i wanted to see you. i wanted us to have this week, because…” because they weren’t going to have any time after it. the thought was obvious, but bodie couldn’t bring himself to speak it. “i’m sorry, estelle. i… i’m not going to be far. not as far as i have been. i’ll be… here.” bodie wished she could see a positive in that. but bodie knew how estelle felt about springfield, and knew that her finding any comfort in the town was a long shot.

when bodie felt her soft hand on his face, he wished that it was comforting–but the reality was panic. estelle’s touch was like a lightning strike through his body. he didn’t deserve that type of kindness, especially from her. he gently took her hand away and let it fall out of his own grasp. “no, no, i found one. i mean, i found a couple, i had other choices, but none of them… i only got into one.” bodie held his stare at her when he spoke next. “western new england.” he didn’t have to explain any more to her. she knew of the school–she had to. it was hardly outside of springfield, almost within the same damn county lines. from where they stood, campus was only a mere twenty minutes away. it would have been the perfect school location-wise… if estelle was planning on staying. “and i… accepted the offer.” every time bodie had tried telling her before that night failed. he never wanted to disappoint her, to anger her, and his damn indecision to tell the truth created the worst possible scenario. he wanted to flood her with apologies, but his fear kept him quiet, anxious waiting for the news to sink onto the girl’s once bright, happy face.

“right. right…” the anxiety that bodie was showing on the outside was nothing in comparison to the spiraling disaster that was his derailing train of thoughts. leaving with estelle sounded like a beautiful escape a year or two ago, but the way that bodie looked at it now, the poor girl would only be stuck with someone who’d easily ruin her. bodie’s relationships fell apart like they were built to be knocked over––once one little problem occurred, everything tumbled after it. the barrier of pure distance had kept estelle safe from him all those years. having the girl depend on him was a recipe for disaster. “estelle, i, ah…” it was nearly impossible to look at her any longer. but even with his eyes fixated on the ground between their feet, he held onto her hands. it was a sensation he wished wasn’t so new. he wished it was common and old news. it’d make letting go a lot easier. “i have to tell you something. and i know you’re going to be mad. and––god, i just thought that i’d let us have this, and have fun, for once together.” he wasn’t making sense, that was for sure, and the more he danced around the actual sentence the more his fear rattled him. “do you remember when i said i was thinking about applying for transferring? last year?” bodie specifically selected a few near springfield, just knowing it’d be close to her home. he didn’t actually expect to get into any. one, specifically. part of the reason he never told estelle which schools he got into was due to the fact that out of them all, only one was a positive response. 

"oh my god, estelle, no, no––it’s fine, it’s been––it’s been amazing, you have no idea.” though they were just entering the parking lot to the sparkling neon diner, bodie stopped, holding onto estelle’s hand to keep her from excitedly moving forward without him. the light blue and bright prink that radiated from the diner’s large sign and windows turned the girl’s face into a twist collage of colors, nearly sparkling. not only was she one bodie’s longest friends, but she was the one person he could always honestly talk to. there was never any judgement behind her advice and bodie felt comfortable coming to her with anything. and that was all before he ever got to touch her. now, she was in his hands, literally, inches apart, and he couldn’t get the words off his chest. “you’ve been amazing. this place…” bodie broke eye contact to look around. besides the diner, there wasn’t much else decorating the street, but bodie had seen enough of the simple town to know that it was going to be a suffice home for him, “don’t you think you’re going to miss it?” their weekend was void of any talk about staying––bodie made sure to stay away from that topic. the guilt that he held was getting too heavy. estelle didn’t deserve any of it, either. she deserved better than him. that was the worst part. she was nothing but sweet and supportive and despite how deeply he cared about her, he knew he wouldn’t be getting on that train with her. all the selfish reasons aside, it was for her good, too ( it was the only thought that could help bodie sleep at night ). “all the shitty people aside––you’re not going to miss it at all?”

regardless of how badly bodie was about to fuck up, it was their last night together. his train ticket back home had him scheduled to leave at eight the following morning, and estelle was making sure to utilize every moment they had. this week, the most anticipated and enjoyable week that bodie could remember living, was all the two had before their plan to move upstate started at the end of the month. it was easy for them to arrange it: meet up once during the summer, and after getting their ducks in a row, move off and out of the hole that was springfield; together. when bodie came to visit estelle, it was hard to look at her perfectly packed boxes and pretend that everything was okay. their lease upstate started in fifteen days. well, estelle’s lease. bodie’s, however, started next week… in springfield. the grave bodie was digging got bigger and bigger with each lie that he had strung estelle on with. for their past days together, he was able to fully submerge himself in HER, and blissfully forget how horrible the situation was. but for the past few hours, bodie’s anxiety was slowly taking over. and when she had asked ( for maybe the fifth time that day ) how he was feeling, and he said, “i’m fine,” ( for the fifth time that day ) it was obvious that she didn’t believe him. “i’ve just been thinking… i’ve been thinking about a lot. that’s all.” every attempt bodie made at telling the truth scared him to the core, and he backed out. he was amazing at it.

         there was a small scrunched bit of forehead between his eyebrows, briefly, before laughing at the girl’s display. he around with the small box before throwing a smirk in cassie’s direction. “they haven’t stopped me yet, so…” angel ended with a shrug, and slug an unlit cigarette in his lips, nodding towards the front door of the small apartment. “you know the dude?” angel asked once they were both outside, referring to whoever was hosting the party. he covered the end of the cigarette with a cuffed hand, and lit it up with a few sparks. once he had drawn in a breath, he offered the lighter and open box to cassie.