Pearls and Peace

What’s scary is I think they walk around as normal people…

I do see her often! My mom basically takes care of her everyday. Her and I spent the day in the city on Saturday and saw a Broadway show!

She seems to be ok… but I worry about her a lot. My parents and I have definitely picked up on some concerning behavior/ statements. I do think my brother was an ok husband… I can’t put myself in his shoes and pretend to understand what it’s like to have a dying wife for 5+ years.

He wasn’t able to pay his bills because he left his job (it was incredibly abusive and a good decision) but he didn’t have any plan or financial reserves and then proceeded to live his life like he did when he had an income and remained unemployed for almost a year.

This last week has felt like an absolute fever dream and I am mentally not ok (I’m safe just spiraling).

My boyfriend and I broke up- for real. I initiated it but it’s excruciating. There is a part of me that knows this was right but there is such a huge part that wonders if we had had harder conversations sooner it wouldn’t have come to this. I tried to but he seemed unable to… he admits he is fully conflict avoidant- turns out he did have some questions/ concerns about our relationship (no shit everyone does and I tried to ask him this so many times) but he felt like if you love someone is just works out. I feel like that’s such an immature and naive view… things don’t just “work out” you have to put work in to get work out- work beyond just pretending the other person is the greatest thing on earth. Idk I prob don’t even make sense.

I was the deeply hurt the next day when my parents took him out to dinner… idk if I had written this here or not but at one point my parents gave him a lot of money ( it’s a long f’ed up story- bf was in a bad work situation) should my parents have “loaned” him 20k (which they will never get back)z Absolutely not. Anyway… he had asked me if it was ok to text them to thank them for their support over our relationship and I said “yes of course”. This text turned into my parents taking him out to dinner and “having a great time!” 😑 my mom keeps talking about how bad she feels for him… not because I dumped him but because he is “like a lost puppy”. It just feels shitty.

Then I found out he is already back on the dating apps- one of my pure barre students saw him on there and told me… she thought he was cheating bc I did not bring our breakup into that space. Ugh. So of course I downloaded it bc I’m being spiteful and I saw his profile…. It just stings. I have been chatting with people on the apps and I even got a drink with 1 guy but I’m like “how can I do this again? I’m too old. These people don’t like me” blah blah

I keep questioning if this could have worked… if this still could work? Is this really over?

Then I have been having horrible breast pain- apparently this is a side effect of my IUD but it freaks me out bc I have lumps. I went to the gyn yesterday and she said she thinks I just have cystic breasts but is sending me for an ultrasound and potential mammogram. So I’m freaking the fuck out that I have cancer.

I haven’t been sleeping. My stomach is in constant knots and I feel like my world is falling apart.

I also decided last minute to go with my friend on a fitness/ reiki/wellness retreat in AZ next week which is beyond out of character for me to just take 2 days off work and sign up for something I barely know about with less than 2 weeks notice but I felt this intense urge to GTFO. I mean I guess it’s good I’m not going off to treatment and I’m sure it will be good… it nothing else I know warm weather lifts my mood.

This is an incredibly valid question and one I grapple with daily. I think my biggest struggle is not knowing it this is ME feeling/ talking this way or the depression/ anxiety/ Ed talking and feeling this way.

I don’t dislike him… I do love him

…but I am not in love with him.

There have been so many changes in my life over the last month- new job, I moved, I started teaching another format of pure barre…. These are all good things. My life is much bigger than it was just 2 years ago but it’s feeling like too much and I am feeling like too much. My body image is so bad- I want to cry at every photo I look at. I’m still crippled by so many rituals with food and exercise and yet I feel like I can’t control my body anymore. I don’t know what’s real and what’s in my mind.

I’m still with my boyfriend and it’s overwhelming. He overwhelms me. He is the nicest person but I don’t see this as the person I will be with long term. He says he loves me so much, wants to be with me forever etc etc and I simply don’t feel the same. I keep dreading time we have to spend together. He is very immature and we are so different. I have to keep making up excuses to get out of hanging out… but I’m scared to totally end things bc what if there is no one else? Everyone thinks he is so great… and in many ways he is but he wants way more out of this than I do. But then I fear I’m just running away.

I feel incredibly low tonight… I had a fun day in the city with my friend yesterday and I think the relief I spent a day outside of “my world” and without my boyfriend expecting me to answer his texts and just doing stuff for fun without a major plan felt so nice. I want more of that but it feels impossible.