Ultimate Guide To Clown Care

Oh gosh, from the sounds of it, you may have a Sweets British breed! They’re very adorable, but not very desired, so it makes sense for them to be roaming.

Sweets British Clowns are a subbreed of the standard party clown. They evolved to match England’s quite stuffy sense of humor compared to other regions, and mimes may even be descendents of them. The Sweets British is known for having an easy temperament and beautiful pastel plumage.

Now, I’m afraid I’ll have to break the news to you, but someone was going to have to tell you. Sweets British clowns require immense amounts of high-quality cream teas and fresh sponge cakes. Their meals are... expensive, to say the least. That’s why they’re so often abandoned.

Now, it’s not all bad news! Sweets British clown owners usually get together for afternoon tea, so things can be bought in bulk for much cheaper. You can also ask a local clown rescue for a bit of help, since they’re usually prepared with coupons and vouchers.

Oh boy. This is gonna get me in some hot water.

Declawing clowns, I believe, is a process that can be very beneficial. Now let me explain.

I personally have never declawed any of my clowns. But that’s because they’ve never shown any aversion to their claws. They may scratch up their toys, and heck, sometimes I’ll come home to some torn up blankets. But they like their claws, and that’s all that matters.

Some clowns actually don’t like claws. Clowns are hyper intelligent, so when they feel comfortable and safe in a home, they may no longer want their claws. Clown owners can usually tell pretty easily, since most clowns will be very obvious about their discomfort.

It really comes down to how much a clown uses and enjoys their claws. If you want to declaw them because they’re being rowdy? That’s really bad for them, they may feel a sense of loss and no longer trust the owner. But if you declaw them because they keep trying to break off their claws? They’ll feel so much better.

That’s why there’s so much conflicting information, because people just think THEY know what’s best for all clowns! Clown solutions are never a one size fits all!

One of my favorite youtubers, @strange-aeons did a video about clown care! Thank you so much for looking into the tag and raising awareness for the correct way to raise a clown!

Oh dear, she sounds like a bundle of energy. I can sympathize with being a bit overwhelmed, especially since all Drag clowns can be hard to care for! But I’ll try my best to give you a few pointers.

Drag Clowns, in general, are “showy”. They love to perform in shocking and skilled ways, like dancing (and splits - lots of splits). That’s why it’s ESSENTIAL to have a proper playroom. A medium sized stage should be enough for a Drag Clown to happily practice and perform. If they don’t have that kind of space, they usually gravitate to locations that would accept them in the wild. Gay bars are usually covered in the scent of performance that Drag Clowns love. It’s only natural she’d end up there.

Now, Drag Clowns require a very specialized diet. Sugary snacks are typically replaced with salty and extremely processed snacks like chips or pretzels from bags. Cheesy things like nachos are also good. Vodka is an essential, a Drag Clown is as good as dead without it. Your clown may also enjoy brunch foods, but you’ll have to find out if she leans to a nightlife style or a daytime style. Typical foods like jellybeans and popcorn are less than satisfactory.

I don’t know much about the Midwest subbreed, but I can tell you this, almost every Drag Clown I’ve encountered has a body of STEEL. They can jump, twirl, do splits, without even pulling a muscle. Going to your local vet and getting a look at her body’s strength and endurance is always a good idea. For instance, she may have strong legs for splits, but weak arms for cartwheels. It’s important to keep a close eye on her, so that she doesn’t overwork herself.

Lastly, being that she ran away once before, you may want to consider joining a clown social group. Being among those of her own species can keep her at ease, and make her a lot less likely to try to run away again.

Hi everyone, I’m sorry I was gone for so long! Life gets in the way... if by “life” you mean a new clown! Picky is my new party clown, I got her after seeing Kik Kik (my other party clown) getting sad because of the lack of compatible clowns in the house! Especially in quarantine, Picky was an essential addition to the household. She’s a purebred party clown who was abandoned by her previous owners, but she’s so strong, she doesn’t let that get in the way of loving her new family! Ah! But that’s not the topic of this post.

Today I want to talk about caring for your clown when in quarantine. Now, I know I may be a bit late to the party, but many people are still cooped up at home, and the past month has been really hard for my clown-owning friends as the shine of being around their clown 24/7 is starting to fade. Not to mention with the recent (and long-time coming) political uproar against police, everyone’s wound up so tightly they’re gonna pop! Let’s ease that tension with some indoor clown activities.

Cooking and Baking - Now, this may sound like a no brainer, but I wanna touch on it. Cooking and baking with your clown can be a wonderful bonding experience, not to mention intellectually stimulating. Clowns are a lot simpler than humans in terms of wants and needs, but everyone needs to eat! Whip up a new type of pie, or learn to properly make nutritious cotton candy! In the wild, clowns will often forage for food, so preparation is something very interesting to them. Just remember to keep in mind the allergies! Clowns CANNOT! HAVE! BOLOGNA! Can’t believe how many people have to be told that...

Movie Nights - Something that doesn’t automatically spring to mind when you think “clown” is a movie. After all, clowns are performers themselves, why make them sit still to watch two hours of a human? But it can actually be really fun, if you match the right movie with the right clown! Clowns love to learn, and learning what makes people laugh is key to their development.

Hobby Testing - Something I’ve been doing recently, try to pick up a hobby every two days and see what sticks! Due to this method, I’ve found out that all of my clowns, and myself oddly enough, like to juggle! Changing up the environment with the introduction of new things to do can be crucial in helping your clown distinguish the day-to-day and break up monotony.

My comedy is NOT for you. My comedy is not for TERFs, SWERFs, racists, sexists, homophobes, transphobes, or MAPs/pedophiles. This blog is for joking about clown care. It’s an absurd premise, and I like writing about it when I have time. And it’s not for you. My clown content is not for you. Unfollow me now.

She :

Is not a clown.

I’ve been seeing a lot of people say that Spinel, the antagonist of the Steven Universe movie, is a clown or jester. This is incorrect.

Her behaviors mimic a clown, but there are very few breeds of clown that would ever act as intellectual as she does. She has an understanding of history, her surroundings, basic scientific properties such as toxins, and social/cultural stigmas.

Even the most clever clowns wouldn’t be able to comprehend the deep emotional moments Spinel experiences. But I would like to say something :

Spinel is the perfect example of a pet clown after being abandoned.

This is why I can’t forgive people who abandon their clowns. Spinel acts just like an abandoned clown, they’re alone and afraid and continue to do routines and games despite the owner not being there. It causes severe trauma in a clown, and sometimes they can’t come back from that. If there’s anything to take away, it’s that you should never treat your pet clown like how Pink Diamond treated Spinel.

Oh, that’s quite broad, but I’ll try my best to go over the general breeds! First off, I’d like to clarify that these are the breeds, and they don’t account for the “subbreeds” or “mutts” that exist.

1. Sad Clown - These clowns are, well, sad! But not really. Sad clowns have a unique way of emoting, where they look upset when they’re happy, and happy when they’re upset. Their emotions look flipped, essentially. Sad clowns are considered their own breed, so there are different subbreeds, such as the gothic clown (one of my favorites - so moody!). You have to go into the experience knowing that your clown will seem a bit more detached than a party clown, and that’s okay.

2. Party Clown - These clowns go by a variety of names. Party clowns, western clowns, happy clowns, bright clowns, performance clowns, they’re all the same. It’s the quintessential clown look and attitude! They make balloon animals, use cream pies, and usually have big red noses. If you ask a child to draw a clown, typically they will draw this breed. They’re one of the easier breeds to get information on, but they are high maintenance.

3. Care Clown - Sometimes called service clowns, these clowns are specifically bred to be more non-threatening and low-energy than their counterparts. They specialize in helping the owner, so their comedic routines are far less frequent than a party clown’s. They’re the lap clowns, total sweethearts, but they cost a pretty penny to adopt. Almost no rescue shelters would have a care clown to adopt, since they’re in such high demand and they often get trained by experts in the field.

4. Mime - A fun breed, mimes are best known for their silent nature and skilled acting. Many people try to act alongside their pet mimes, since the mime’s routine is so interesting. Mimes typically have black and white plumage with spots of red, although I’ve seen some with wilder colors. They also tend to be on the thinner side, but their appetite is larger than a usual clown’s. This is due to how rigorous the routines really are. Luckily, mimes are often okay with performing on their own, making them a lovely pet for an owner who spends a bit more time out of the house than what’s recommended.

5. Jester - Classic! A TOTAL classic! Jesters were considered the royal breed, and to this day, royal families often have a few pet jesters. Jesters are best at mimicking human speech, so their routines can often be focused on playfully insulting the owner. Their intelligence makes them highly sought after, but due to inbreeding, there seems to be a higher population of jesters who can’t speak. Luckily, purebred culture is dialing back, so inbreeding is becoming less frequent than what was going on a few years ago.

6. Wild/Mutt/Juggalo - These all fall under the same umbrella breed, but there is no unifying term for them. They’re the rowdy clowns, a newer breed that came from increased human socialization and breeding the runts of party clowns. They’re often known as the hardest breed to raise, and some people consider them a lost cause altogether. I wouldn’t recommend raising one for your first clown.