D****n

But you reacted like how I knew you would, not how I hoped you would. I truly thought you would have looked past it, as hard as it was going to be. But you weren't who I thought you were. Yeah, I wasn't a perfect partner. But you cut me off so fast and so quickly. Like you wanted to forget it all. But the thing is, my dear Little Woo, life isn't like that. Memories can't just be forgotten. You can't run from your past forever. And now, lately, I have been hoping you are hurting. From how you ended things. I hope you regret it, how you ended us. I never thought I would wish you harm, but I do. Not physical harm, but emotional. I hope you stay up late at night. Wrecked from the guilt of how you treated me. You tore me apart, and I don't think I will actually ever be able to love again. I imagined a family with you, and a small white house, with cats and dogs and a forest of our own. A future together, and how we would sit on the end of our porch, in rocking chairs in our old age, just staring off at the setting sun across a meadow. Enjoying all the beautiful memories we had together. Knowing we had conquered everything, together. Now I am sure, that I won't ever open up like that to another human being again. And therefore I will never be able to truly feel loved and supported by someone. It all just feels like a lie, all the things we said to each other in the late hours of the nights we spent lying on the cuddler or in our bed. And maybe I am an idiot and a fool for trusting you with the things that haunt my soul. But I had truly truly truly hoped, that you would have looked past my transgressions. And loved me the way you talked about loving me.

I feel lonely, more lonely than I ever have in my life. I keep trying to restart fresh. But I can't get you out of my head. Despite everything you said to me and and have done to me. I still miss you, in my own way. The way you smiled when I brought you home flowers. The way you would laugh at my jokes. How peaceful you looked when you slept. The droplets of sweat on your forehead. How your hair smelt in bed after you showered. The way you would look out at the world as it whizzed by you. The way the sun danced on your beautiful face in the early morning. The way you would sleep for 12 hours and wake, like you had not a care in the world. How you looked when playing with the dog, or the look of peace when you would cuddle Cosmo and Tina and Sugar.

You didn't even let me say goodbye to them, or pack up my own things, and say a proper goodbye to you or the life we had together. You didn't let me get what little peace I was going to get from our final moments together. Instead you murdered the future of us, with just a text. Maybe that's how you felt you needed to do it, to protect yourself from whatever feelings you had. But goddamnit Woo, I'm a person too. A person who would have loved you to till the earth itself died.

Now I lie here, in the dark pits of my own emotions, hoping that you are hurting. I hope this pains you for a long time. I hope you never ever treat someone like this again. Because it's so damaging. More damaging than you could ever know. I hope you regret it. I hope it haunts you for a long, long time. For the next guys sake. Maybe you will have the courage to one day look me up, and apologize to me. And I would probably forgive you. But that is not tonight. And it wont be possible for me, for a long time. You ruined me, truly. And I don't know to put myself back together this time. Maybe I should talk to a therapist. But you know how I feel about that. The same way you would never talk to one either. And so I am to suffer. I hope I heal one day. I hope I can love again. I think this is the closest I'll ever get to therapy. And its definitely, not enough. But its all I have. I try and pretend I'm fine, I try and fool myself into thinking I'm okay. Some days I almost believe it. I literally have to force myself to not think about you. And I'm almost successful. Almost. Next month it will have been a year since I've seen your face or heard your voice. And I still feel the same way I did after the first month. Betrayed and confused. Farewell, until the next time I see you in my dreams.