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at the beginning of the fic dirk is angsting (and potentially ult!ing) for existential "meaning of life" reasons, as he is prone to do, so batshit stuff happens in the bg and fg, in the a- b- c- and even d-thru-j-plots, and john goes along with SO MUCH OF IT when he could have put a stop to this a long time ago... IF he didnt think everyone else was "just going along with it" to make dirk feel better!

dirk's current emotional breakdown: [about to inconvenience a salamander that reminds john of casey]

john, popping up from where he's been pretending to be mortally wounded: whoopsie daisies [does the windy thing in a way he thinks is subtle] hoo-wee that could have made a mess!

someone: YOU'RE WELL ENOUGH TO DO THAT??? AFTER BLEEDING OUT FOR DAYS FROM THE ANTI-HEALING WOUND DIRK GAVE YOU???

john: oh that? no, i healed from that immediately!

someone: what.

john: yeah dirk was so excited about that new "anti-god sword" he thought he alchemized that i didnt have the heart to tell him it didnt do anything :( i've been using my fledgling-magician kit's fake-blood pellets to fake it this whole time! i think ive been pretty convincing :B

dirk: What?!

john: !! oh noooooooo you weren't supposed to find out!! aw man dave and rose are gonna kill me when they find out i spoiled your fun!

dirk: Dave and- what??

john: well they've both done SO MUCH already to keep your bit going, i cant imagine they WOULDN'T wanna kill me for being the one to ruin it!

dirk, clenching his fists: ..... My bit.

john: yeah, this whole "oh life is just one bitter pain after the other i have to cleanse the slate and start from scratch" kick you've been on!

[the sky is in turmoil and the weather hasnt been clear for weeks, the earth is a mess of fissures and craters caused by the battles dirk has waged across the world in attempt to kill everyone and everything with his bare hands i guess]

dirk, clenching his teeth: ................. Kick I've been on.

john: siiiigh i know, i know, its SUPER RUDE to downplay other people's hardships- but you can't say i havent been trying really, REALLY hard to be as convincing as dave and rose have! they're just way better actors than me!

dave and rose: [genuinely in varying states of distress and ill health from dirk's genuine attempts to explode reality or whatever he's been doing, including getting cut at least once by dirk's sword which DOES work on them but not john for bamf reasons]

dirk, clenched: ................................................ My hardships.

john: yeah, like- okay, i dont know if you've noticed, and i know i PROMISED i wouldnt say anything... but you've been kind of depressed lately dude.

dirk:

john:

someone:

casey-esque salamander: [spitbubble]

dirk: I've been. Depressed.

john: yeah :/

dirk:

john:

someone:

case- dirk: What in the god damn-

and then dirk tries to attack john For Real in ways that make john get annoyed enough to one-shot him - or maybe dirk even demands to fight john seriously and john just. fucking bodies him. minimal effort. single move. didnt even do the windy thing. one moment dirk watches john equip zillyhoo and the next moment dirk is waking up in a hospital bed in new-lowas with dave next to him like "you almost destroyed reality but john is so fucking stupid i think it broke my brain and im more mad at him about that than i am at you for almost killing me and teying to end existence. oh also he broke all your bones. and i ate your jello. still mad enough at you to do that."

after that the bulk of the fic is dirk refusing to accept john is op - because it makes NO SENSE!!! - and getting beaten again and again every time he tries to challenge john's op-ness. john refuses to actually try because he isn't (usually) irritated enough to WANT to hurt dirk, but dirk demanded that john take their fights seriously (and rose tore john seven new assholes for NOT taking dirk seriously before, and for not ASKING ANYONE ELSE if THEY had been taking it seriously) so john doesn't just yes-and him anymore and instead genuinely fights back. barely. and wins.

gamzee has similar op-ness to john (its a SBURB/SGRUB mechanic) but john is superior because gamzee's sgrub session was sabotaged so hard and the cancer karkat gave billious slick fucked up john's session's limiting mechanic, so even tho dirk still gets some yes-and bullshit bonuses from gamzee (who stirs the pot for fun and because he, too, is depressed and wants it all to end) dirk still can't beat john in a fight

eventually john (whom is canon-epilogue-level depressed for the same reasons as in the canon epilogues because THAT kind of realistic bullahit made a lot of sense to me) bonds with dirk over how much depression sucks and gets thru to dirk, and dirk admits to john that he has the memories of every dirk version to ever exist and he hates himself to the point that he's killed multiple other dirks just in attempt to feel better, not even always as means to an end

john tells him that's "kinda fucked" and says they should "find dirk a new hobby"

in the deepest fugue state ever seen by man or troll or anything else, dirk says "Okay. Sure. New hobby. Why not." and they start going around looking for shit to occupy themselves with to make themselves feel less shitty

adventure and shenanigans ensue as they bother their friends and family, their subjects and worshippers, and even bother dead!muse!calliope and lord english after they get bored enough to start messing with time and space and john's retcon powers