Welcome to Cloud N9ne

She came and sat beside me in bed and rubbed my back, "what happened? What'd he do? What'd he say? Do I need to like cyber-bully him or is it a more in person face-to-face situation?" "No" I managed a slight giggle while sniffling, "He's great, he's amazing, I'm just stupid" I said "what? He's gaslighting you now? I told you not to see him again" she joked a little "No, it's just like, I don't know! He's cute, he's nice, he's caring and thoughtful, we like the same music and movies, he has a cool job..." "Mei, you're so bad at hook-ups" Ella interrupted "you broke every one of the rules we talked about, you promised to see him again after the first time, you actually followed through on it, and you learned details about his life. What part of anonymous one night stand don't you understand?" "All of it apparently" I said "see and now you're attached. I thought you said he was a dork last week?" She asked "yeah, but he's a cute dork, he's my dork" I said "oh god.. ok what'd he do? What happened? I thought the plan was to just go over there, maybe watch a movie, and let him down easy at some point." She asked "yeah, as soon as I walked in that plan was out the window, after ignoring him all week I gave him like an hour warning and this man still gave so much effort. He had already gotten pizza, he made a big bowl of popcorn, he pushed his couch back and made a little blanket and pillow area for us to watch the movie in, it was really cute." I explained "alright that is pretty cute" Ella admitted. "Immediately I felt awful for ignoring him, he told me this whole thing about how he's sick of being ghosted and randomly being broken up with without warning last week, and then I leave him in the dark after promising I wouldn't? He didn't say anything at the time but I know it must've really hurt him." I said "Mei... if you keep feeling bad for them these men... wait.. you fucked him again didn't you?" I just buried my face in pillow. "Mei!" She exclaimed "how did that happen?!" "Guess" I said, muffled by my pillow. "Well knowing you, you either watched some artsy film that was followed by a deep discussion/ debate involving how the shot composition played into the thematic meaning or some bullshit like that and then that led to it, or you watched a kids movie, pissed yourself, and you did the bratty baby act." Ella guessed "we watched Totoro" I said "I fell asleep on his lap and peed" I admitted. "Mei..." Ella said sounding almost defeated at this point "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're really fucking weird." "I know, he really liked it though!" I admitted.

"Ok fine, but what happened this morning? catch me up to you coming home crying" Ella asked. "We just went out to brunch at this cute place along the river, I just started thinking about how I just genuinely had no idea what I wanted to do, I realized how compatible we were after last night, and then he let me go through his Spotify in the car and I noticed we liked a lot of the same music, and I found out he's an architect, so he has like a cool artsy job, but then one side of me was scared and hurt and not ready to dive into something new after Marcus, and another side of me was like 'I'm a mess and I ignored this guy for a week and he's still this sweet to me, I don't deserve him.'" I started tearing up again as I explained "and then as he was driving me back he was like 'you've been super quiet and you wet the pull-up you're wearing like a fucking baby what's going on?' So I explained everything, how he was supposed to be a one night stand, how I was scared of starting something new, how I felt guilty for leading him on" I was full on crying again by this point "and he wasn't mad, or upset at me, I mean he was sad, he obviously likes me, but he was just like 'I can't decide that for you, you need to think about it, I'll respect whatever decision you make' and to keep myself from ugly crying in front of him I was just like 'I'll let you know' and got out the car." "Hahaha you are messing with this man's feelings so hard" Ella joked "I know! And I feel terrible!" I yelled "he's right though" Ella responded "you gotta decide... I know you have not had the best luck with either of your past relationships, and despite my best effort to get you to forget about your last one and play the field, you latched onto one of the first guys you found. But I don't know, he seems cute, you seem to have a lot in common, and he seems to accept you as a person so far, which is more than we can say for your other boyfriends..." "but we've only been out twice, I don't know him that well, I didn't know how badly my other relationships would turn out after two dates" I interrupted. "Well you have to think about it.. do you think he'd hurt you later? How much would you regret passing up on him now? Do you think you could just keep going, he's not asking for immediate commitment is he?" Ella asked calmly "no I guess he's not, but I just don't know if I'm ready yet" I said. "Well let me know if I can help, we could do a pro-con list or something, but that's up to you girl" Ella said "I know, I think I just wanna be alone for now..." I said "ok, one thing, you might wanna change your goodnite, I know you said you wet it and you low-key smell like pee" Ella reminded me. "Thanks" I chuckled.

I took off my dress, and stripped down to just my wet goodnite. I looked in the mirror and saw what my parents must've seen everyday until I left their house, an immature little girl who still needed diapers and could never grow up. I squished it, felt it sag, "I belong in these" I thought as I plopped back down in my bed. I should just stay like this, everyone around me learns the truth eventually, I'm just a fucking child in a 25 year old woman's body, might as well advertise it.

My parents knew it. I was a burden on them. That's why I didn't get the allowances my brother did, mine went to paying for my diapers. Sure I knew I couldn't control my bedwetting, or at least I thought I couldn't. But they must've done what they thought was best for me. Every time they screamed and degraded me for wetting the bed, every time I was called "gross" or "disgusting" or "a baby," every time I was asked "what would your friends think if they knew you still wore diapers to bed like a baby!?", every time I had a toy, or phone, or the ability to see my friends taken away because I couldn't stay dry at night, even the times they would hit me. I knew they were frustrated, they were doing their best to raise a girl who couldn't grow up.

Ethan knew it, that's why he went out with me in the first place. He saw the baby I am and loved me for it. He was just trying to get me to stop pretending to be an adult. "Just use your diapers, I think they're cute" He'd say. "Maybe you need to wear them to class too." He recognized. "You can't wear panties anymore, you can't be trusted" he decided for me. "Stop trying to make it to the potty, it's too stressful for you, maybe you need to be back in diapers instead of those pull-ups." He knew, but I thought I knew better "Ethan, you know I like the diaper thing, but I'm also an adult, I don't want this to interfere with my future, plus it's really expensive, I wanna re-potty train" I told him. He was right to be mad, he was right to scream at me, he knew I was a baby and I couldn't accept it. And he was right, that's why I still wet myself during day so often, even 5 years later.

And Marcus, poor Marcus, I lied to him and took advantage of him. He's so mature and grown up and sophisticated, just like I wanted to be. We went to museums and shows, and discussed art and philosophy and history. He's going to be a big lawyer one day, and I wanted to be his sophisticated socialite, artist wife. The only problem is that I couldn't cause I'm a baby. After a year and a half of hiding my goodnites in ziploc bags and taking them back home after spending the night, and wearing sweatpants over them to bed "because I get cold when I sleep" I lied to him, I finally got the courage to tell him the truth. He felt bad for me, he wanted to help. "I'm sure we can fix this together" he assured me. "We can try a bedwetting alarm" he said, didn't work cause im a baby. "We can try prescription medication" he insisted, didn't work cause im a baby. "Maybe you could set an alarm and wake up in the middle of the night to pee" he gave it a final attempt, didn't work cause I'm a baby. Resigned to my fate he tried to make it work "can you put those on after we have sex? I don't wanna see them while we're doing it" he asked "can you go back to wearing sweatpants to bed? I don't accidentally wanna rub up against your diaper" he requested "Can you stop throwing them away at my apartment? it's gross seeing them in my trash." He asked. Then he started studying later in the library, "I need to pass the bar this time, I wanna be sure" he said. Then he realized he couldn't do it anymore, I lied, and even after the secret was out he really tried for me, but it shouldn't have been a surprise when he said he "didn't see a future together" that he had "outgrown" me and that he "needed someone in the same stage in life" as he was. It's good that he moved on quickly, he had pictures with a new girl on Instagram within two weeks.

"You ok? It's been like 3 hours and you've been quiet in there, just wanted to check on you" Ella said kindly through the door. "Not really" I managed to squeak out. She stepped in and saw me still naked lying on my bed apart from now slightly wetter goodnite. "Ok what's the matter?" She chuckled. "I'm a fucking immature baby." I sobbed. "My family knows it, Ethan knows it, Marcus knows it, Aaron will learn and he'll leave to." I told her. "Oh my fucking god" Ella screamed "stop being so mean to yourself." "Your family is more mature than you? Your parents who would rather abuse their daughter than admit she has a fucking minor medical issue? Or your brother? Who was spoiled rotten by your parents, he's still finishing college right? After like 8 years? I'm sure he'll get that community college degree eventually!" She reminded you. "Oh and Ethan" she continued "who, when he wasn't treating you like a little diaper baby sex doll and damaging your bladder control long term, was smoking weed and playing video games in his dorm while you went to class and worked your way through school so you didn't have to deal with your parents BS anymore." She kept going "I thought it was real mature that he'd fucking blow up at you whenever you did anything he didn't like." She took a breath "and Marcus, I'm sorry, I love you, but I was so fucking glad when he broke up with you, he's an entitled, pretentious, trust fund baby. Living such a rich cultural life in his fancy apartment all paid for by Daddy. Did you know that he's gonna be a lawyer? He only mentioned it every 2 minutes. How many times has he taken the bar exam now without passing it? Is it 4 or 5? I lost count, oh it doesn't really matter though, Daddy will give him a job anyways. And the second you failed to fit in the mold of his cute, hot little socialite artsy-fartsy girlfriend, the second he had to actually be a supportive partner, he bailed. Are those the people who are more mature than you? They're more mature than you because what? You have a medical issue that it turns like 5-10% of women suffer with, or cause you have a weird little kink that probably stems from your nightmare of a childhood? Come on!" She finally stopped.

"Thanks for that." I said sniffling. " I just hate hearing you talk like that, I know what you've been through" I just hugged her. "So what's he really like? Aaron?" "He's sweet, he's courteous, he's shy and a little nervous, and a little dorky, he communicates really well though, he's thoughtful..." "do you think he'd hurt you?" Ella asked "I can't know for sure, but he doesn't seem like he would, I know he cares about me, and I've had my walls up, but I haven't really ever felt uncomfortable being myself around him, I've probably hurt him if anything..." I paused "I think I'd regret not getting to know him better if I stopped now" I said. "I'm gonna keep an eye on him" Ella promised. "I think I'll call him, he's probably panicking." "Ok then, glad I could help" she said, and walked back out. Alone in my room again grabbed my phone and called him. He picked up literally immediately "Hey Mei!" he said causally, but I could tell he'd been emotional. "Umm... Aaron" I sniffled "I was wondering if you could come over and help me, my pull-up is really really wet and yucky, and I think I need your help to change" I said "ohhh, baby, are you still in the one from before?" He asked. "Mmhmm" I said meekly. "I'll be right over" he promised. "Bye" I said sweetly, "be there soon" he assured. "You're so weird!" Ella yelled from outside the door. "Oh my god, don't spy on me!" I yelled back.

Back to table of contents