Hi, this ask is pretty personal so no pressure to answer it if you don’t feel comfortable. We’ve actually talked about this once before a year or two ago, but now I’m in a situation and could really use some advice.
If i remember right, before you were in this wonderful relationship you were married but not fulfilled. I’m soon to be married and looking at a similar future, she’s not fully vanilla but abdl kink to her is a “few times a year” thing and while it started as something she liked its moved to something she does for my sake. With that said I’ve recently made a good friend who says I’m selling myself short, and I do get what she’s saying but… i mean the pain I feel like I’d be inflicting on my partner by leaving is just 🥺🥺🥺 a lot. This new friend though is kind of exactly what I’ve always imagined my partner would be, and seems interested, and honestly ticks more boxes than I knew I had! (both vanilla and kink) So i just feel all mixed up right now.
Did you ever feel like you were ruining everyones life at first? Did you leave a happy marriage or were you guys dealing with issues? Was it mutual or was it one sided and super painful, thats what it’d be like for me. Thank you if you can answer!
Hey anon! First, I want to say answering this is difficult bc everyone has their own experiences, preferences, and is ultimately responsible for their own happiness. My experience is just that, my experience, but I’m happy to share it. I’ll try to condense this to parts I believe are most relevant, I could easily talk about this subject SUPER in depth, but I digress.
I had been unfulfilled in my marriage for quite sometime before the divorce. I have children, which is why, ultimately, I chose to stay in the relationship. I come from a one parent home so the thought of putting my kids through a divorce was unbearable. I made a decision, that as a man and father, it was my responsibility to honor the commitment I made even if it meant suffering and being unhappy. Now, right decision? Wrong decision? Who can say honestly, but that was the choice I made.
Our marriage was certainly happy at one point, due to various big life things happening (I won’t bore you with a 30 paragraph back story) kink became much more important to me. Call it an awakening, or for my Maslow fans, a concept of self-actualization. Through brutal honesty with myself, therapy, and support from my now current partner, I realized that it (abdl , kink, etc) was not something I could happily live without. Like many of us, I attempted to suppress this part of me for decades.
Now, with that all being said, I still couldn’t make the decision to leave. It felt like reneging on my commitments. Thankfully (well now I say thankfully) my ex wife made the decision to get divorced. She could see how unhappy I was and, also, she realized she was unable to fulfill this need of mine. She was unhappy too. I mean, who could be happy in a relationship knowing that your were unable to fulfill a core need of your partner? She has no more control over who she is (vanilla) than I do over who I am (abdl).
The entire process was painful. We had a life, house, kids, all the things. It was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced, specifically when I realized she actually dispised abdl (direct quote) and what it had “done” to our relationship. I’ll never forget sitting on the couch, in a hotel room, the day she told me she wanted a divorce. Realizing, that she had been trying to pretend all these years, and was never once into it, never enjoyed it, and disliked engaging in it at all. It felt like my heart was going to implode in my chest.
Now, with all that being said, today, I can say it (divorce) was the right decision. One that I was incapable of making due to bad ideas, core beliefs, and all that good stuff. Yet, as with everything, it all happens for a reason AND how it’s supposed to.
Without my marriage, I wouldn’t have my kids, and various other aspects of who I am today as a person. I’m not going to gush about my partner or how wonderful she is, yall get how I feel about her. She’s a LITERAL angel from heaven. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I’m thankful today for my divorce and my marriage. I’m thankful I’m fulfilled. I’m thankful my ex wife made the decision that I was unable to make. I’m thankful for my current partner.
Each relationship is extremely unique, and the complexities of each situation make giving advice difficult, even with appropriate context. I will say however, staying because “the pain” you’d cause her and the guilt you’d feel is super relatable. I was you, I made the decision to stay bc I didn’t want to hurt her, which, for me, was codependent and selfish. I just didn’t want the guilt associated with hurting someone I loved. Again, right decision? Wrong decision? Only you can decide. You ultimately have to live with your choices, no one else. I do believe we are each responsible for our own happiness and bravery to seek that in the face of adversity and pain.
