Living the closeted life in Singapore

I could really use a friend, but, joke’s on me, because I have none.

Every damn time I break down, I have to make sure I don’t make a sound, as if life wasn’t suffocating enough already.

I am too much for everybody. Too sensitive, too cowardly, too inflexible, too long-winded, too negative.

I try to be nice and accommodating to the ones around me, or at least I think I am. But the moment I express a different thought, or act in a way that doesn’t agree with them, I become too much.

But I also know that even if I have that capability, I would never have my parent’s support.

“You’re not even getting married you move out for what? Don’t waste money.”

“You think you are capable of living alone and doing everything yourself? *laughs*”

“You don’t even dare to catch cockroach, how you live by yourself? *laughs*”

Don’t forget the guilt trip too.

“No company at home. So lonely. House so quiet.”

“Nobody watch movie with me.”

“Since I’m eating alone, I’ll just cook a simple meal. Maybe plain porridge with chye sim (pickled vegetable).”

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I feel like I am stuck in a toxic environment that I can’t remove myself from because I don’t have that financial capability. Also because my parent guilt trips me into staying by their side. Whereas, my Sister gets freedom to do whatever she wants, especially because she has a Boyfriend. My family assumes I’m single, so I’m just expected to be home all the time, and be the one responsible for anything required at home. I am the one expected to take care of our parent in their old age and be there 24/7.

I can’t say that I have a Girlfriend and that I want to spend time with my Girlfriend. I can’t just out myself now, because God forbid I get sent for conversion therapy.

I keep getting told that my sibling and I should remain close, so that when our parents pass away, the two of us will have each other to rely on. Besides filal piety, Asian values emphasise that family always comes first, and family must always stick together. Does family really love you unconditionally, and give you the love and respect you rightfully deserve?

If anything, my sibling is toxic and it does not do my mental and emotional health any good by having my sibling around. Furthermore, my sibling is more reliant on other people than I am for day-to-day matters, which means having my sibling by my side just means I’ll be a slave for my sibling. Also, my sibling will likely out me to everyone if they ever find out I like girls, and will be disgusted with me and rain insults on me.

Part of me feels guilty for feeling the way I feel towards my sibling, but what I feel today is the result of how I’ve been treated over the years. And when I finally decide to voice out my unhappiness, I get shut down immediately, with the words “what do you have to voice out about?!”, which tells me that I do not have the right to feel unhappy despite the way I’ve been treated for years. I get accused of having evil thoughts and being unreasonable, which is baffling, because I haven’t done anything remotely evil or against my conscience.

That incident is just another thing that will haunt me during times when I don’t feel so great about myself, such as tonight.

Wow.

All the time it’s just me sparing a thought for the feelings of others, but the moment I speak up for myself, I am being told I am unreasonable and evil.

The light needs changing? Got to get a man to change it.

The tap is leaking? Got to get a man to change it because most men would know how to do it.

Need to do grocery shopping? Got to go with a man to help carry the heavy bags.

Planning to travel to a place where the crime rate is high? Best to go with a man so that he can protect you.

Been eyeing that luxury handbag? Get a man to buy it for you.

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Wow.

Having a mentality like that is absolutely revolting.

I don’t know if this is just in Asian culture, or if it’s something that happens in Western culture too. But this leaves me speechless. It is also one of the things some parents use against their child when their child comes out as LGBT, particularly Lesbian:

“You need a man in the household! Who is going to fix something if it’s broken at home? Who is going to protect you? How are you going to manage any heavy lifting?”

Dear parents, there are some girls out there who are physically stronger and fitter than the men who you think can take care of household needs for your daughters. There are girls who are braver than the men who you believe can protect your daughters. Stop belittling the female gender. You should be encouraging your daughters to learn to be independent and to be able to rely on themselves instead of relying on others.

For anyone having a hard time because you can’t meet your partner at all, especially if you’re closeted which makes things a lot more difficult, understand that you are not alone in this.

For the ones who are dating someone who is closeted, do try to be more patient and understanding.

This truly is a difficult time. We do not need more unhappiness. Let’s all strive to be kinder and caring towards each other, especially for the people you love.

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Are there people who still use tumblr.