faye !

You collapsed today. You didn’t really expect it, not even when you felt so weak getting out of bed because you had refused yourself supper the night before. Not even when you felt so dizzy just a few seconds before it actually happened.

When people fainted, it was usually the time people started taking themselves seriously.  You’d be kidding yourself if you told yourself that you didn’t start thinking about yourself a bit more, about your actions anyway. 

You didn’t hurt anyone or say anything cruel, it wasn’t people you worried about. You were always quiet, you kept to yourself.  

“You collapsed. Do you remember?”  Tarja wasn’t here… you couldn’t remember his name, but he did stick around the Infirmary most of the time. “In the ale hall..” You didn’t respond to his question or the recollection he gave you, sitting up in the stiff bed beneath you. 

“Have you eaten in the last twenty four hours?” 

You shook your head, what good would it be to lie? 

“Why haven’t you eaten?”

Your stomach slightly ached, the empty feeling inside reason enough for your fatigue. “..I didn’t want to.” Your arm slithered around your stomach, your left pressed against the bed. “Regardless of that, you must eat…” He reminded you, adamant with his words. “I’ll bring you some food, I want you to eat that, alright?” 

The door creaked as it opened. Tarja was only gone for a moment, “Welcome back.” She was already holding a bowl of soup, the smell was strong. A bowl of soup just for you. You held your hands out, more reluctant to eat than you figured. “More people faint from things like this than you realize. But… you’re not exactly the most busy person here.” You couldn’t exactly make any excuses, you had been doing this on purpose. 

You didn’t say anything. 

“…Well.. after you’ve eaten, I want to do a physical examination, see if there’s anything I’m missing that could have played a part in what happened earlier.” 

-

You did eat. You were starving, but you just couldn’t bring yourself to stomach more than a couple bites. You weren’t sure what was wrong with you, you didn’t much hate food before nor did you have a specific relationship with it. You just… stopped wanting to. You stopped wanting a lot of things recently, you couldn’t for the life of you gather why this was happening to you. 

When you shed most of your clothing for a proper physical examination, you bit your tongue in embarrassment. The sight of yourself was an embarrassment in itself. 

“Is there a reason you do this to yourself?” 

There were cuts on your body. Almost fresh ones on your inner forearm, near your shoulder, some here and there on your right thigh. All the way healed there, scars remained nonetheless. “…I don’t know.”

Tarja’s fingertips grazed over the scars near your shoulder, your body tensed at the touch. They were more fresh than the rest, but that wasn’t really the problem. You didn’t care much for the pain.  “You do not know? You just do it?” You didn’t say anything, allowing her to further inspect you for any problems that may be there. “….You lost weight, since you’ve last come here. And since I last noticed.”

She tapped your shoulder before stepping away, which gave you the impression she was done inspecting you. “I’ll check in with you. For a week, to see how you’re doing.”

You pulled your clothing back over your torso, pulling your sleeves down extra hard. “Why does it matter?” You asked her quietly, head hanging low as you adjusted yourself back to comfortability. “…What I do to myself. It’s none of your business.” 

“When you become one of my patients, and I see that you are hurting yourself, it’s my job to care about that. I’m supposed to care for my patients, it’s my job to.”

It was going to be her business as long as you kept doing this to yourself and kept coming here when she asked you to. Only, some things were unavoidable, like today. 

“I want you to stay another hour and try to eat some more of your soup, then you’ll be free to go.”

-

When you came from the infirmary, a few of those who had been there when you collapsed came over to see if you were alright. You said yes, that you were just overworking yourself more than you realized. You knew it was mostly a lie, you didn’t know what else to say without making people uncomfortable.

“I heard what happened.” 

You stood in the ale hall again, the man you knew as either Cid or Clive Rosfield spoke to you. You didn’t speak to him much, you weren’t sure if he considered you a friend or not. Did everyone who lived here consider themselves a friend of his, and vice versa?

 “Are you alright?”

You turned around, hands resting underneath your elbows. “..I think so.” He frowned at your answer, “Did something happen?” Your lips pressed together. It wasn’t like you felt as if you couldn’t confide in him, you just weren’t sure if you could. “We could speak privately, if you wish.” He gestured over to the doors that led to his bedchambers. Perhaps it would be better than to let everyone hear about your business.

You nodded and followed after him, dropping your hands down to your sides. 

You stepped a bit inside, staring off into space by the time you heard the doors shut. “Was it something serious?" 

The average person could say so, finding out what you were doing to yourself. You weren’t actively dying to some disease or anything, though some could beg to differ. “..No.” You just stood in the middle of his room like a wild animal, “It…” You bit your bottom lip, eyes narrowing. “It feels like something’s… gone wrong with me.” 

His steps were heavy on the wood as he slowly made his way over to stand beside you. 

“I feel so… dull. I don’t want to do anything anymore, there’s…” It felt like you were just bombarding him with things he didn’t really need to hear. It just felt unnecessary. “There’s nothing I want. I don’t want to eat, I don’t want to sleep, I don’t want to wake up. I don’t even see the point in saying anything at all.” It felt like your brain had spun itself around and you couldn’t put it back. “I wasn’t always like this. I don’t understand…”

You held your hands up, staring at your palms, turning your hands around. You stretched and flexed your fingers. Nothing, nothing worked. “I don’t… I can’t... I’m just so confused.” You weren’t even sure if you should be upset, or if you should be angry. Even this confusion that you felt, was confusing. 

“Is that why you collapsed..?” Your hands dropped back down, glancing Clive’s way once he questioned you. “…Because you don’t want to eat?”

“…Yes.” Your tastebuds had gone numb. Not even the soup you ate earlier gave you much joy like food used to, even if it did taste good. That wasn’t the issue. The taste was still there, but the

“All of this just.. happened out of the blue? Nothing happened that could have… given you a reason?” 

Your eyes narrowed. You couldn’t recall anything if you tried; these days seemed so long it felt like everything was just starting to blur together now. 

“You don’t have to tell me, not if you don’t want to. I only want to know if anything happened.”

You held your breath anyway, shaking your head. “No,” you bit at your bottom lip, teeth pulling at and peeling the small bits of dead skin. “not a thing.” You could feel a weight settling itself on your shoulders like it was going to be there for a while. It felt so terribly heavy, and it brought you such feelings. You would assume it as sadness, a feeling you were growing to miss. “Just…” 

You swayed a bit, back and forth, “I felt so havy, all of the sudden. Like an anchor that needs hundreds of hands to lift it onto its ship, but there just isn’t enough people.” Explaining yourself in metaphors made you feel like a child, without access to a good enough vocabulary, using silly words to convey these complicated feelings. “I just lie there until I force myself up, but it’s just not enough… I feel heavier than before each time.”

You wouldn’t expect him to know. Of course, he leads the place you call home and has troubles and hardships of his own. He had certainly been through a thing or two. But could he understand just exactly what you were feeling? Or was it simply alien to him, too much that he wouldn’t bother trying to? 

“It feels like I’m sad and confused, all jumbled into one. So much that I can’t even explain it, I don’t know if I’m sad or confused or angry or anything.” You rested your hand against your face, your palm covered your left eye. “I don’t understand what’s wrong with me.” You looked all the way down, 

“These feelings you describe… they feel familiar. Most of it.” Clive gestured over to his bed to offer you somewhere to sit. You went ahead, not looking back up just yet. There was this shame that came with looking him in the eye. 

When he sat back down, he continued to speak. “Back when my mother had thrown me into the Imperial Frontlines. A little while after my anger had settled, and other feelings came along; almost overwhelming that… rage, and want for revenge.” 

“I tried my hardest, did everything that was expected of me, back then. That was what kept me… blinded for a while. But then, out of the blue, everything just crashed down on me. For so long I just couldn’t understand why I was so…” He shook his head, unable to find the words to describe it. “It felt like a terrible weight on my shoulders that I couldn’t get rid off. Sometimes I think I still feel it.” 

“The day I had found out I was the second dominant of fire… that, too, gave me that feeling. It was much worse, trying to get used to freedom once more; what little I had of it. Everything I still felt weighed heavily on me, only to discover the one I was looking for was right in front of me.”

You heard of his past of serving the Imperial Frontlines, though not of how he had come to discover he was a dominant. Not that it was any of your business of course. 

“You have had reasons to feel the way you did.” You did not wish to undermine his pain or make it seem lesser compared to yours. But it was not what you wished to hear. “You know why you felt that way. I...”

“I only wish to say..” He quickly said, “These feelings just seem to… come. With or without explanation.”

Your lips pressed together, hands resting neatly on your lap. “...I will feel this way forever?”

“No..!” Clive immediately denied your question. He refused that idea the moment you proposed it. “These feelings have come, and they will go. With time, they’ll be gone.” 

The feelings would come and go, but they would always come back. That was what you gathered. Not everything would always be in your favor, you learned that pretty early on in life. Even so, it did tend to hurt a bit whenever you were harshly reminded of that obvious fact.

“...Of course.” Your hands came together, fingers loosely intertwined. Bringing them close to your face, your lips barely pressed against your index fingers. “If I just keep telling myself that, perhaps… it’ll come true.” 

-

When you left Clive’s bedchambers, you felt… incomplete. You had selfishly assumed that he would ail you completely, that his words would give you the answer you searched for. You wanted to find the absolute belief in him that others had. You did not want to tell yourself you did not believe in him, you were still alive today because he happened to save your life.

You knew that. Even so, you wished that somehow, he’d be able to save you again. It was unrealistic and selfish of you, so unbearably selfish.

-

You left The Hideaway with a stolen kitchen knife as your only way of defense. You paid Obolus to take you somewhere, anywhere where you could stop and walk for a while. 

You had stuffed the knife in a small little satchel you only used when Tarja bugged you about leaving the hideaway to help others gather herbs for the infirmary. “To get yourself out and about once in a while”, she often says. You did whatever she asked, simply because you had nothing better to do than the chores you assigned for yourself.

You didn’t often wander around because you couldn’t really defend yourself. Whenever you did go out, one of the cursebreakers tagged along with the small group you travelled alongside, just a way of protection. But today you were alone, filled with more questions than you were the day before. 

By the time an hour or so had passed, you imagined at least one person would be wondering where you are. Obolus at the very least, who questioned why you were leaving and didn’t say the reason why. Perhaps he could’ve gotten someone  to bring you home, or maybe he did not care enough for you at all to do anything about it.

You did not care either way, you’d come back home regardless. 

-

You climbed a small sized mountain to exhaust yourself, You went back down, still not wanting to go back home just yet. You came across a few rabbits, the sight of them did not bring you much joy as you expected. Not even the pretty sights of flowers that you found small joy in finding whenever you left the hideaway in the past. 

Even the little things did not have any effect on you.

You found somewhere to sit, near a lake with tall grass. You had a bit of trouble getting that flimsy satchel off of your body, cutting your hand by mistake when you searched for the knife inside. You flinched, pulling your hand back to look at the cut. It was small, barely anything serious.

Your gritted teeth slowly separated, your thumb ran over the cut, smearing the blood on your skin. You pressed into that cut, holding your breath at the pain that shot through.  

Your hands slowly separated from one another, drifting back down to the grass beneath you. 

-

You reached back out for the knife. You made sure you held it tight, staring at your left hand. You turned it over, pressing the blade into your palm. Your breath shuddered its way out of you at the stinging pain. Tears brimmed at the way it burned, but it was exactly what you had been looking for. 

You bled and still you did not stop.  You allowed yourself to cut into your inner forearm, chasing this feeling you once thought would hardly affect you, even now. 

It hurt to bend your fingers after a while, to even let your limbs move. You cut into the inside and back of your hand, watching your blood flow out of you like water. You hoped for a reaction from yourself, to vomit at the sight of your unbecoming. 

You did not react. Not the way you truly wished, it angered you; at least you wanted to think so. 

You felt a lump in your throat, you wished to cry.  You pressed your hands against your face, smearing the blood from your palm onto your cheeks and your mouth. 

Your hands moved lower, fingernails running along your neck, pressing deeper and deeper. It did nothing but bring you pain, a very temporary solution. A feeling, yes, but not the type of feeling you chased. 

When you heard your name, you nearly hesitated to look and see who it was. Someone had come to come and get you after all. 

It was Clive, someone you did not expect him to come after you, not even after the talk you had the day before. 

He slowed to a stop when he noticed the blood on your face. “What…” The moment his eyes had trailed downward, you could physically see a look of horror on his face.  He remained where he was for a few more seconds before hurrying over. He didn’t look any longer than he had to, it was a terrible sight, he would obviously think so. 

“Why would you….?” 

His hands rested on your shoulders. He wanted you to look at him, it felt that way. You did not. “Please, tell me why. Why would you do this to yourself?” Your head hung low, hands reaching out and pressing against his chest. Just to push him away, only a little. He let go when you did that.

“I thought I would…” You could feel yourself choking up, mistaking the urges your body gave you as a want to cry. Your right hand clamped over your mouth, scooting yourself a way some to be somewhat far from him. You didn’t want to vomit all over him. 

His hand rested on your back. You could tell he did not know what to say.

You managed to swallow whatever wished to come back up all the way back down, “It didn’t work..” a thin string of spit followed from your palm when you pulled away. Right now, you felt very lightheaded. “It hurt me for a moment… I thought it would work..”

The lump in your throat continued to ache. You could feel your hands shaking. You shook your head. “It didn’t fix me…”

Clive let out a shuddering breath. You had hurt yourself this much simply to chase a feeling that wouldn’t come from this alone. You could not find an answer from this, yet you kept trying anyway. “No, no…” He reached out again, swallowing at the horrific sight once more. He did not mean to look. “It will only become worse if you continue to hurt yourself like this, the answer you seek isn’t here. Far from it.” 

 You did not say anything. You only stared at the grass, how the wind pushed the water from the lake a little closer more and more. 

A slow exhale, you could feel your body letting go. You were crying, it did not feel like you were. “I’m sorry…” Your head lifted, ever so slowly. You looked at him.

Your hands came together, fingers loosely intertwined. You dragged your hands up, near your face; again. 

“...It’s going to be like this forever.”

 Regrettably, you smiled. You felt so terrible, and all you could do was smile and cry. You felt like a jester, making a fool of itself for his king.  

You knew every word he told you the day before, every word of encouragement was a lie. You let him believe you’d try to believe in them. You could do nothing but apologize for deceiving him, even if he would not blame you. 

“That isn’t true.” Clive reached out again, resting his hand on your shoulder. “Please, please don’t think that way.”

Your hands sunk back down to the ground. 

-

You must have passed out, seeing as you closed your eyes and remembered absolutely nothing after that. You woke back up feeling aching pains all over your body. You did not like the infirmary, it felt like you were being judged the entire time you were there.

You were there because of what you did and now you had to wait until you were good enough to leave, only to up and do something again worthy enough to put you back inside. 

The hour was late when you woke, you took that to your advantage and left the infirmary the moment you got out of bed. 

You were dressed in a hand-me-down nightgown which covered your arms and legs, stopping where you could see the docks from all the way down below.  Right now, you really wanted to cry. It felt like you weren’t done, like you haven’t shed all the tears you had been wanting to for so long.

When you couldn’t sleep, you could often hear the very quiet press of Clive’s shoes against the floorboards. You were not surprised to hear him call out your name.

When you turned just enough to look at him, you were crying, eyes a bit wide. 

On your own whim, twice now. It was almost enough to make you believe that what he said was true. 

He did  not say anything, not even asking why you were out of bed. First, he hurried over. You did not expect a hug from him, but he gave you one. It was terribly warm, like you expected, a contrast to the chilling cold you felt on your bones right now. “I was so worried.” You could feel him squeeze tighter. He really was worried, you didn’t really doubt that he was.. “Please, please don’t do that again.”

You didn’t hug him back, you weren’t sure if you should. Instead, you just took a step back; pulling away. “I really…” Your teeth gritted, lips stretching back in a frown. You looked down, “I really felt like a child, saying all of that…. I’m  sorry.” 

“None of this is your fault.”

“Of course it is.” You could pull up your sleeves and show him the bandages, or unravel them and show the stitches you felt underneath. You did neither. “...I woke up in the infirmary because of what I did to myself.” Your fingers stretched out. You made no movements. 

You would have crossed your arms by now, or reached for one of them. Anything to perhaps close in on yourself, pull yourself further from anyone's willful grasp. “Everything that’s happening to me.”

 Right now, the air felt weird. “Don’t say that.”

You didn’t say anything else, biting your tongue. 

Slowly, you made your way past him. You picked up the pace as you went on, heading in the direction of the infirmary. Clive caught up after realizing you were far enough, you made no effort to make the distance any bigger.

He stepped into the infirmary close behind you.

You spun around, pushing him out with all the strength you could muster. You slammed the door shut, holding the doorknob in place until you could actually lock the door. You were surprised this room had a lock at all, without a key, as well. 

Clive tried to open the door, to no avail. He knocked on the door repeatedly, but you did not open it. “What are you doing?” 

You stumbled back, staring at the door. There was no one else in this room except you. “I don’t like this, please open the door..!” He pleaded with you, but you did not answer. You turned around, opening drawers and scrambling through things until you found something sufficient enough. Tarja’s scalpel, what she… usually used for procedures like removing a bearer’s brand. 

“Please, don’t do anything stupid. Just open the door.” He didn’t pound on the door too hard, but he didn’t really care for being loud. He was helpless right now, it was better if you just hurried it up.

Was this what you wanted?

Your left hand held the scalpel, as best as you could. It still hurt to do anything with it, it must not have been very long since you hurt yourself as badly as you did. 

The metal was cold against your skin. It was so sharp, if you breathed wrong you’d cut yourself. 

When the door blasted open, you nearly would have. You stumbled back as you turned around, the scalpel didn’t leave your hand. Not until he rushed over and snatched it away. He threw it across the room with ease.  “What are you doing..?!” You certainly were stressing him out tonight. You wished you hadn’t told him everything. “You… you can’t…” 

There were clearly so many things he wished to say. He settled for another hug, less sudden than before. “I’ll do anything, anything I can to help you. To… to help you feel everything you want to again.” You never imagined he’d stammer as much as he did today, you never thought you’d see him so scared either. “I don’t want to see you leave this way. Not when there’s a chance.” 

You’d use his motives against him, that it was just you leaving on your own terms. He fought so hard for it, didn’t he? 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t.” He shook his head, “Please, don’t apologize.” 

You looked over, staring at the scalpel on the ground. You could make a run for it, jam the blade into your neck if you really wanted to. You wanted to tell him it wouldn’t ever work, that you had fallen down a hole without a way out. “I want to believe you.” 

He pulled away, hands not leaving your shoulders just yet. “It’ll take time, especially this. But it won’t last, I promise you that.” Your lips pressed together, eyes downcast as he promised you. Every word was true, you did not think he had a single reason to lie to you. “I promise.”

His hands slid down to your arms before eventually pulling away. 

“...Okay.”

thank you for reading! I've been having a bit of a hard time lately so i thought maybe writing it out could help...... i may be writing a second part to this so stay tuned for that!

speaking of those WIP'S i mentioned in my last post, i've been neglecting them so bad that idk if i'll even touch them at all LMAO but... if u guys really do want to see them , lmk!

You have been at the hideaway for some time now. It feels like yesterday when you first came here, so different you almost wouldn’t recognize yourself now if the scars from the past didn’t cut so deep. 

You didn’t like to dwell on what couldn’t be undone anymore. It happened, things changed, life goes on. 

Luckily, that wasn’t one of today’s problems. Something ridiculous compared to that, actually. 

Since coming to the hideaway, you’ve always liked to help around when you could. Soon enough, Clive thanked you for all you’ve done; a number of times big enough that you had to actually tell him to stop at some point. Not that you didn’t like it, only because you knew just how grateful he was for your help well enough that there was no need to say it anymore.

He did as you asked, but seeing you didn’t tell him to stop completely, he persisted in other ways. 

Eventually, you had fallen in love with him. There was no doubt in your mind that he felt the same way long before you. Thinking back to everything he did with you, everything he did for you. It was almost ridiculous how you didn’t catch on much sooner. 

To say it briefly, the both of you loved and respected each other very much. Which was why, today, you had been going back and forth between questions and doubts to yourself, about him specifically. 

Today, it was more obvious. Looking back on his behaviour now, it must have been going on for a good few days. 

Clive was acting strange. It started with him asking you vague questions, then him giving you vague answers; leaving you more confused even after the conversation was over.

 Then, the prolonged looks he gave you. Seriously, you thought something had happened and you hadn’t noticed yet by the amount of times he had just been staring at you. 

“…What is it?” Around the fifth instance of it happening, you spoke up. Your brows furrowed. To say you looked confused was an understatement. “What?” Clive asked back, brows raising at your expression. Was he acting all innocent or did he just seriously not know? 

“What?” You asked back, way more confused than him this time. “You’ve-“ You stopped short—taking a deep breath. “You’ve been staring at me. Did something happen? Is something wrong?” You didn’t want to be too accusatory, or make it seem like you were making fun of him, but you were seriously confused. 

“Oh..” He was quick to look away the moment you pointed it out. “…No. Nothing’s wrong..” There he went again with those vague answers. You had reason enough to believe he was hiding something from you, but you gave him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he lost a brain cell or two overnight. Only Greagor knows what he’s up to. 

“Well, if I find out you’re in on something about me, I won’t be very happy.” You set down your drink. Just water, needing to remedy your dehydrated-headache. “I’m not… in on anything.” You’d get to the bottom of why talking to him was starting to feel like talking to an awkward teenager, you weren’t sure when, but you would. 

Along with that, he started… following you. Not to the point that it was borderline creepy, but he was always where you were. Whenever he was home, he was somehow there, in the same place you were. If he wanted to know about you, he could just ask. You were an open book with him, whatever he wanted to know, you’d tell him.

“Do you want this, or this?” You requested something specific from Midadol. One of the children wanted a working toy train for their nameday, and you had remembered just in time to actually get one made. “Hm.. I think that’ll do.” Midadol showed you two different drafted designs for this train, setting it aside the moment you made up your mind. 

She looked up, and then…. “Oh, Clive!” You swore you were about to lose your mind. Anyone would think that you didn’t like him from the way you were reacting, but the problem was that he wasn’t telling you anything. How could he act like he’s carrying the world's biggest secret and say nothing’s wrong? You didn’t believe it one bit. 

You looked over your shoulder, still leaning against Midadol’s table. You barely paid attention to what she said, all you did was stare at him. 

If he was plotting against you, then he should probably make it less obvious. 

“Something’s up…” Here you were now, in his chambers. You sat on the edge of his bed, staring into nothing. “What is it?” It was him that was acting all weird, could he not see how strange he was acting in front of you all of the sudden? “You, that’s what.”

Looking over, you watched as he froze up, He was sitting all the way over at his desk. Guilty, immediately guilty. “If you have something to tell me or you want to ask me, just go ahead and do it.” You didn’t want this to escalate, but if he kept leaving you in the dark like this.. “You’ve been acting strange for weeks, it’s driving me insane.”

“I don’t want you to worry… there isn’t anything wrong, I’m sorry.” The same excuse. You held back a sigh and kept your thoughts to yourself. “...Okay.”

The very next day, Clive came to you himself. You were still upset with him from the day before, but you allowed him to take some of your time. “Is this just a walk, or are you taking me somewhere?” You followed close behind him. You didn’t recognize the path the two of you were taking very well. “Do you want me to take you somewhere?” He asked back, 

You held your tongue and shrugged instead, moving your hands behind your back. 

“We aren’t… going anywhere specific.” It was one of those rare days where he didn’t have anything to do. Instead of resting like he should, he decided to spend this time with you. “Really?” You asked, not really believing him. He could hear how you didn’t in your tone. “Really.” He doubled down, You said nothing else, just going wherever he wanted to take you. 

The hour was already growing late enough when the two of you left. By the time he found somewhere for the two of you to rest, night had already come. “Should we be staying out this late?” At this time, you’d normally be in bed already. “It… should be fine. If anything does happen, we’ll be fine.” 

“Of course.” You drew your legs close to your chest, “Look.” Clive pointed at the sky, you barely missed the shooting star soaring across it. 

“Oh—” You had no time to make a wish for that one, it was gone before you had a chance. The sky glimmered with stars all over the place, exceptionally beautiful on a night like this. Did he bring you out here for that on purpose?  

Before you could say anything else, another shooting star came and went. “Make a wish with me.” Your hands came together, fingers intertwined as you bowed your head. “..I’ll try to.” You didn’t pay much mind to what he said back, busying yourself with a wish of your own.  

When you finished up, Clive took one of your hands into his. The spot he chose specifically was almost too convenient. You didn’t want to ruin anything, asking if he did this on purpose. You had a feeling you were right anyway.

“There was…” He sounded quieter than before. He sounded nervous. “...Something I wanted to tell you.” Your head nudged in his direction, not quite looking at him all the way. You hummed in response, you didn’t say anything just yet. 

He leaned over, wanting a better look at your face. You could see his eyes better from where you were now. “I don’t even know if I can..” 

You could hear him laughing at himself, quietly, but you heard nonetheless. “I won't laugh at you, if that’s what you’re worried about.” You rested your head on his shoulder, blinking rapidly. “If this is about…”

“It is.” He squeezed your hand. Tighter than when he usually did. This meant a lot to him, it seemed. “..That’s why it’s so hard.” 

You swallowed, nudging your head towards his some more. You didn’t know what to say, you didn't even know what this was all about. You could call yourself blind as a bat later, you just wished he would tell you already. It’s been driving you mad for so long, you’d accept anything at this point. 

“...Tell me however you can, please.” 

He didn’t say anything back, only looking away for a moment. It didn’t click that he was reaching for something until you actually looked down, seeing that he was trying to give you something. You didn’t say anything, your hand hovering near his closed fist. 

When he actually opened his hand to show you, you gasped at the sight. Your head lifted from his shoulder, blinking multiple times just to make sure.

A ring, a very pretty one. 

If this was what he was being so secretive and nervous about, it would explain a lot. Certainly not him following you around, but… most of it, anyway. You could ask him about that later. “You…” You looked at him. You honestly didn’t expect it, you should have.

Being terribly oblivious did seem to have its perks, it seems. “Really?” You only wanted to make sure. If you got excited for nothing, then… 

“Of course.”  Clive nodded, hesitantly reaching for your hand. “Do you…?”

Your lips pressed together, nodding the moment he asked you. “Yes… yes, of course..!” You barely noticed the sigh of relief he took, too focused on the beautiful ring he got you. 

He did the honors of putting that pretty ring on your finger, of course. You did your absolute best to hold back the biggest smile on your face, to no avail. “It’s so beautiful..!” You held your hand up to the sky, getting the moonlight to reflect on it. The most beautiful jewel sat in the center, two others right next to it. 

“I love it…” Seeing that smile on your face was all her needed, especially for a moment like this. “I hoped you would..” He reached over, resting his hand on your cheek.  

In the blink of an eye, your arms were thrown around him. The biggest hug you could give him, hugging him so very tight. “Just tell me everything from now on, alright?” Your heart felt terribly full. You wanted to feel this way forever, you wanted this happiness to never ever go away. “Don’t hide anything from me anymore… it’s foolish.” 

“Alright, I promise..” Clive held onto you as if you’d vanish the moment he let go. “I was just… afraid it wouldn’t go as I planned it..” It didn’t exactly go as he wanted, seeing as there was so much he wanted to say. But in the end, you were very happy. That was all he wanted, really. “I’m so glad…” 

You could feel it in the way he held you alone just how happy he was. “I love you..” He drew back enough to kiss you. He kissed your temple, your cheek.

You had seen him happy many times, you had never seen him as happy as he was right now, until now.  “I love you too..” You rested your head on his shoulder, rubbing his back. You were doing just about everything to show him how happy you were. “I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy..”

You didn’t want to go back home yet, not until your happiness wore off. Just a little. 

Thank you for reading this little bitty oneshot! It came to me after seeing that tiktok of the girls husband being nervous as hell before proposing LMAO

— can surprise you a lot of the time, but in a good way. like being there when you wake up sometimes just to give you a kiss or wanting to stay in bed a little longer

— he’s an early riser so he wakes up before you, but if he doesn’t have much to do, he’s at his desk waiting for you to wake up (ik it sounds a bit creepy but trust me)

— if you get injured while he’s away on an expedition or he just wasn’t there to help, he’ll constantly try to visit you despite Tarja wanting her patients to be left alone

— he likes writing letters to you , either about remembering a past experience you both had together or about something good that happened with the both of you that day

— he has decorum (obviously)…. he wouldn’t do anything too embarrassing with you (like over the top pda)

— he isn’t an overly jealous person , but he knows when lines have to be drawn and when smth is just outrageous

— pda isn’t his type of thing? maybe once in a while but he likes to be alone with you more than anything 🙏 he feels more confident in doing things with you if its just the both of you👀

— he hasn’t been with anyone before you , due to his obviously busy and chaotic life , so there are a lot of things he hasn’t done before until now. It’s easy to tell when he gets nervous — he prefers hugs a lot more than anything, he likes to have you close. It shows a lot if you're sleeping together, he hugs you in his sleep if you're there. — he loves physical touch, especially since he had been deprived of it for thirteen years and then some. he likes to play with your hair and hold your face. when you're upset he likes to hold your hand — similar to surprising you, he'll sometimes kiss your face to wake you up — he'll scare you sometimes, he can be light on his feet without realizing it — if the two of you ever have sex , he’s gentle with you. he isn’t the type to be “mean” or rough with you.

— he’s very good with aftercare 🥳 he occasionally presses kisses along your body until the both of you eventually fall asleep

— he loves kissing you and sometimes gets sad that he’s so busy because he can’t do it as often

— he still gets nervous with you, even though he knows good and well you wouldn’t judge him