North and Peachtree

I think that it’s very rare to find true friendship with anyone- no matter gender or your sexual identity or their sexual identity. I have a person who I know I will always be friends with. And I will always care about. But I know that I can never be in a relationship with this person. And that is sad! We are perfect and true opposites like yin and yang. But that doesn’t work with friendship to be honest. I mean we are great friends- we can hang out, we can watch movies we can watch shows we can have meals you know, we enjoy our lives together- but we cannot live together and we cannot combine our lives into one person that lives.

I think it’s very hard to decide that your significant other should just be a friend instead. i realized that’s what my life should be about 5 months ago. I had a lot of dreams where my husband stood trial for all the mean things he’s done. I’ve dreamed that I got to beat him up in retribution for his “crimes.” The reality is that I am FOR everyone else. I’ve never been FOR me no matter what the situation. I’ve watched this body get raped, assaulted, and violated. I have lived a thousand lives. Yet I, an old soul, am doomed to see my life with a soul who just got here. He doesn’t know where to go- so I should direct him! And I should love him, and I should guide him. And then once he grows up....past me? What then? Who knows? No one has lived that long.

one day i’ll be dead and everyone will say “oh noooo. if ONLY she had reached out to me!!!” like bitch i reach out all the time. i reach and i reach and i reach. and i claw at NOTHING. im alone. that’s that. im alone with cuts on my arm and tears on my cheeks.

one day im gonna slice my arm open and all yall will say “ohhh no i wish i had blah blah blah” fuck you. do it now. do it now.

*maximum southern accent* jesus can turn water into wine but i can turn vodka into cryin’

i better go to fucking valhalla after i fall in battle against my depression

you know the horror trope of like you think the main character is alive and living with ghosts in their house, but at the end it turns out that THEY were the ghost the whole time and the “ghosts” were alive? Being depressed is like the opposite of that. I feel so disconnected from myself and like I’m not real and reality is an illusion, and then I have these breakdowns where I get hit with the knowledge that oh I actually AM alive and these are real decisions that I’m making everyday that affect me and my future and the people close to me.