unclouded

      Funny. It was exactly the sort of explanation she was expecting Akane to give– though something about it made her skin crawl. She had already evaluated her feelings about these things– so why was she still feeling this  burning guilt in her gut?

      “So then, on that note, how do you decide if what you did is wrong or right? How can you justify a ‘wrong’ action that has positive outcomes? How can you justify a ‘good’ decision that harbors negative results?” As much as this was making her feel sick to thing about, there was something freeing about letting the words out.

     “I’m sorry. I don’t know anything about retaining happiness.” She wasn’t sure what else to say; that she wasn’t looking for it anymore? That she had lost it? Maybe both. It didn’t feel right to pull her junior inspector down with her, but she didn’t want to give her false advice, either, now that she was asking for it--or at least expressing an interest in her coping mechanisms.

“Truthfully, Shimotsuki-san, I don’t consider Sibyl. I consider ethics and morals and psychology as unrelated to Sibyl. Sometimes good moral decisions are also good decisions by Sibyl; sometimes they’re not. I only do what I feel is right. But if someone is hurt because of a decision I’ve made, then I consider it a wrong decision whether or not the effect is lasting or the damage done is permanent. I am always looking for better ways to deal with situations that we face in this job.”

She wasn’t sure if that was a satisfactory answer or not. Probably not. “When I defend a decision I’ve made to Sibyl I put it before them in a manner I think they will understand. They fear, more than anything, pre-exposure to the public, but they also fear inaccuracies within their system and being less than perfect. However, they are less than perfect, or we would not have criminally asymptomatic people at all, and they would have been able to judge their own crime coefficient from the start, as well as Kamui’s. Any decision I make that is still within the parameters of the law isn’t one they can be against, or they would be admitting to their own imperfection.”

That was why she had started reading so many books on law; many of them were loaned to her from Ginoza-san, who had followed in his father’s footsteps and had studied it. This gave Akane two very different approaches to the law to take, and she adopted both in equal measure.

      Whatever Mika had been expecting– some sorty of relief from her own emotions maybe?– this wasn’t it. The girl swallowed, jaw clenching, fingers curled together tightly in her lap. Here it was again, the sick feeling in her stomach.. And yet she couldn’t take her eyes from the other woman, trying not to react. Akane would notice if she reacted.

      She forced her mouth to move eventually, but it was stiff and she was tense. Her voice was soft; it could be mistaken for sympathy, but in truth it was all she could muster.

    “Yes... At least in part. I think there is another component to it, though. First, you have to accept that you have done something and acknowledge whether it was right or wrong or an in-between. But after that, you have to consider the why. Once you know that, it’s easier to move on confidently, as you say; it’s possible to be confident about moving forward even if the past comes with you, so long as you know what you can do to improve yourself in the future.”

At least, that was how she dealt with it.

      It was awkward, asking Akane such a personal thing, but the question was pressing uncomfortably in her mind. If there was something positive for Akane now, maybe it wouldn’t be so bad, this guilt in her head. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad that she had lost something that had made her life brighter.

      Strange, how obsessively she was thinking about it now that they’d had this conversation.

     All of Shimotsuki-san’s questions were uncomfortably weighty. “Oh,” she said. “Uh...”

It wasn’t something easily answered. She could probably write a dissertation on the subject of her happiness and satisfaction and still not come up with a concrete answer.

“It’s complicated,” she said at last. “But I guess everything is. I’d be lying if I said I regretted nothing, but what goes does it to anyone to regret anything? It’s not like we can go back and change it. But if I could--”

It was dangerous territory--or would be, if she wasn’t blessed with a clear psycho-pass. What would she do if she could go back in time just once? What would she change? Would she save her grandmother’s life or Yuki’s? Would she save them all by not joining the MWPSB? Would she save Kagari-kun or Masaoka-san? Would she prevent Ginoza-san’s trauam? Thinking about it gave her a headache.

“This job, this life; it’s all I know. I regret many things from the past but I know better than to wish for a do-over like a child who made a wrong move at a board game.” She frowned, skin creasing slightly at the corners of her mouth. “I failed to save Yuki and Kagari-kun and Masaoka-san. I failed to protect Ginoza-san, too, from the trauma of losing his arm and his father, and because someone wanted to get to me my grandmother died. I failed to reach Kogami-san, and to predict Togane-san’s plans for me. Yet...”

She closed her eyes, briefly--a short reprieve.

      The young inspector hesitated over the question, mulling over it a moment. There was a lot she wanted to ask; a lot she still wanted to say. A lot of time of built up animosity was spilling out here slowly, and so far she had done a good job of keeping it in check. For her.

      She chewed her lip a moment, glancing around a little at the kitchen for the first time, before settling her eyes on Akane’s hands.

     Akane wasn’t sure what kind of question she expected Shimotsuki-san to ask, but that was not it. It was a surprisingly personal question.

“Ah--” She opened her mouth to answer, but found she didn’t have a ready response. “What a question, Inspector Shimotsuki,” she said after a moment; her words were tinged with something akin to humor, but she did not laugh. They almost sounded weak, even to her own ears.

David Lynch - ‘Pinky’s Dream’ featuring Karen O (Visionquest remix) DRUNK ON YOU (pixiv)

      “I’m not stupid enough to try and risk anything by telling you something I don’t think should be told. I’m not saying I’m going to run to you with everything Sibyl tells me; you’re my partner but you’re not governing my life.” She huffed, shifting her spot in her seat, and finally that sick feeling had dulled a bit in her stomach. She might be alright.

      It was annoying to think that even just them talking might throw up red flags for their enforcers, and possibly even Sibyl. But it was true… It would look strange. That sort of disconnect must have been…. Mostly…. Planned.

      “I have no intention of suddenly being best friends with you, and I know you dislike me the same way. There’s more than just all of this that you do that annoys the crap out of me– but I think we could probably.. Work on working together better. Slowly, I guess.” Something she had wanted from the beginning, though that idea had been lost pretty quick. Working with Akane was the best way to improve her usefulness, if she took the positive aspects of how she worked and none of the negative. “I’ll only tell you information that I think directly affects our ability to uphold the best of Sibyl’s laws for our society.”

     “That’s fair,” she said immediately. She had no intention of becoming close friends with Shimotsuki Mika; they had almost nothing in common. At most they would probably only ever be tentative allies, but Akane would take that over their usual fanfare any day of the week.

      “There’s a lot you’re not aware of…” She was afraid to elaborate on the situation, and when it seemed like she might she quickly choked it back. She couldn’t determine her superior’s reaction, and Mika didn’t want to be pitied. It was clear how stupid she had been, though.

      “My psycho-pass is clear like yours, and that’s what made me… Ideal–” She paused. “–…To work against you. It’s strong, but I don’t have the kind of confidence in it that you have. I do everything I can to do what’s right, and that’s why my hue stays clear.” Mika was at least confident in that fact. She took a little breath.

      “From this point out, what I do isn’t going to change.. Because following Sibyl is the right thing to do.” She kept her eyes on her partner though, hesitating over her words. “…You and I won’t always know the same things, I’m sure, unless we tell each other for some reason.. But… You’re good at picking apart the things that are wrong.. So maybe.. If you can take care of those things at the same time, we’ll both end up helping Sibyl–and society–to a better place.”

      It was the best conclusion she could come up with, trying hard to explain to herself that this wasn’t bad. It was just concern for Sibyl; concern for society.

     Akane disagreed, of course, that following Sibyl--at least blindly--was the ‘right’ thing to do. But, at the end of the day, it was the kind of outlook that would, if nothing else, protect Shimotsuki-san’s life. 

“Thank you,” she said. “I’ll do my best.”

She almost told her junior inspector that it was a relief that...if she were to die, now, someone would know the truth about it. She almost told her that if something did happen to her, that she’d appreciate the truth being told to Kunizuka-san and Ginoza-san. But she didn’t. She hadn’t thought about it enough--hadn’t had enough time to figure out whether or not it was a wise idea. But to not know the truth might hurt them more than knowing it--and their crime coefficients already exceeded the norm.

“I think it might be useful for us to stay informed--at least on some level. Perhaps not about everything, but...the important things. Our enforcers would realize instantly if we were to appear to be getting along too well. Because of this, it’s best to avoid too drastic a change lest it be questioned in too public a space.” Like the office, where there was security footage. “In this way we can work together yet against one another. I’ll let you know if anything comes up that will affect you or your ability to work. It might be easier for us both if we don’t have to deal with nasty surprises, even if we are working against one another. Just--don’t do anything rash. Don’t risk yourself or the others to pass me any information.”

If Shimotsuki-san had to deal with another memory scoop situation, she didn’t want her to call her herself--or to order someone else to do it. It was too risky.

      As far as SEAUn was concerned, it was all just proof to Mika that Japan and the Sibyl System were the best option. She hadn’t asked very much about the trip, other than reading the official report. After this, though, she assumed it had layers that even she wasn’t entirely aware of.

      “I do believe that Sibyl is the only option.. The best option. Without Sibyl–if it failed–…. I can’t imagine how that would affect everything. It would probably be chaos… We’d end up just like everyone else.” At least there was that. At least that was something that they agreed on. Mika looked tired at the thought. There would be no recovering from something like that.

      She took a little breath and forced herself to stop squeezing her hands together. The younger woman pulled them apart, flexing them a little to try and force them to relax.

      “I’m upset because that makes sense to me.. And it makes me feel a little better. Listening to you sets off a million red flags in my head, but I know you don’t have any bad intentions, and that aggravates me too.” She looked up at her. “…I can’t question Sibyl like you can. Maybe because I don’t see those small things. Or maybe I don’t.. Have that sort of bravery…..” Which was weird to admit out loud to Akane. She was teetering on the edge of spilling a lot of information. “….If Sibyl keeps pitting me against you, I can’t do much to disagree. I have to assume it’s something the system has decided I should do. Do you understand..?”

      Her look narrowed and she frowned.

     Akane’s words came slowly: “I knew Sibyl was using you...and against me, but I wasn’t aware that it happened like that.”

She decided not to pry. It would do no good to force open the lid of Shimotsuki-san’s dealings with Sibyl, especially if she didn’t want to remember them. She had messed something up and would have been killed on the spot had...what? She frowned slightly, trying to think: it was Shimotsuki-san’s psycho-pass. Of course. Because it was clear, she was being used against her.

She wondered if Shomotsuki-san would tell her if Sibyl planned to strategically eliminate her.

      “You are selfish…” But at the same time, all she was thinking about was society. So who was right..? Tsunemori or Sibyl..? “..But I guess I understand. It must be nice to feel important to them.”

      The more she thought about it, about her position in relation to Akane’s. It was too much to keep to herself, thanks to the high emotion of everything.

     Akane chose not to comment on her selfishness. She supposed it was selfish to care about herself so much, or to at least enjoy her own life enough to want to keep living it as she was--in a flesh-and-blood body. She couldn’t help but think of all the things she’d never get to do again if she joined the collective.

“Your usefulness is that you know the truth and still trust in it,” she said after a moment, wishing she’d brought her coffee with her. “Or at least, that you still trust in the foundation of it. Sibyl knows that I’ll eventually move to dismantle it--or at least, it suspects it. I’m not sure myself when or if that will happen in my lifetime. It can’t be replaced that easily, you know. Right now it’s all we have. Your usefulness is probably that you realize that it’s the best choice. I haven’t talked much about what I saw in Shamballa Float, but I’m sure you have an idea. That kind of tyranny isn’t okay...but if it’s true that most of the world is like SEAUn...”

She shifted in her seat, crossing one leg over the other. “Well, I’m not sure. If the entire world is embroiled in civil wars and in-fighting, Japan is the most peaceful nation to exist. I can’t deny that for all its faults, the Sibyl System is the reason for that. Chief Kasei told me as much--said she thought the trip might make me see how great Sibyl is. I don’t agree that Sibyl is great--at least not the way the chief wishes me to see it: not after seeing what they let those in charge on Shamballa Float get away with. How many people had to die for that? And they called the guerrilla warfare sick, but what they were doing to their own people was no better. That Sibyl let it happen... I don’t know. I’m dissatisfied but I don’t have an alternate solution. Do you see the dilemma? The fact that Sibyl is still the only decent option is something even I can agree with; if you believe it, too, that will protect you. That’s what Sibyl is testing: when they reveal their secret to the nation, then their hope is that the citizenry will respond as we have, in differing waves of acceptance.”

      That was something she coul relate with. She was positive she was almost on the same level of expendability. If her psycho-pass showed real signs of deteriorating, Sibyl would probably get rid of her in a heartbeat as well. Unless finding out all of this was enough to take away her usefulness.

      She felt a little sick again.

      “If you don’t love the system, then why are you so invested? What’s the point of doing all of this..? Do you have some sort of alternative..? If Sibyl would.. ask someone like you to join their collective–…. Why would you deny something like that?” It was pretty shocking. If she wanted to change the system, then why not become a part of it? The jealousy stung.

     “Because to join the collective would force me to cease existing as an individual. You accused me before of being selfish; maybe this is selfish of me, too. But one voice of however-many hundreds make up the collective...wouldn’t be enough. I don’t want to be a brain floating in a tank.”

Perhaps, if she could make a difference, she could make the selfless choice, but Akane felt certain that to join the collective would mean almost nothing in the long run. The thought of existing as a governing entity, a floating brain for the rest of her natural lifespan: it almost made her feel sick. That was no way to live. No friends, no family, no nothing. What would her parents be told? Her team?

      “I’m still not sure how much of this I believe– or don’t believe– but I’m listening. There isn’t much room for me to be complacent.” As far as all of this was concerned, Mika needed to think about it and reevaluate her position. What was the ‘right thing’, anymore? “If I think it’s important, regarding all of this….. I’ll come to you.”

      Her life was on the line. Akane had been more than right before; if they died, then they wouldn’t be able to protect anyone. She wasn’t sure she would go to her for everything, but the idea of having Akane as a back up plan was an incredibly ironic convenience.

      At the mention of Misako Togane, Mika shuddered against her will, clenching her hands together. So if she was out of the collective, what did that mean Mika was to this whole thing all of this time since..? She bit the inside of her lip.

     She frowned slightly. “I wouldn’t say I’m above the law. I’m still subject to it the same as anyone else. If my psycho-pass didn’t stay clear despite it, Sibyl would rid themselves of me. Truthfully, Shimotsuki-san, I think if my psycho-pass does ever deteriorate, I’ll be quietly eliminated.”

She’d spent a lot of time considering it, and it seemed the most likely option. Isolation would make her useless and of no interest, so it was possible Sibyl would leave her there, but they’d certainly never let her return as an enforcer. They wouldn’t trust her enough.

      Something about that bit of information was both terrifying and a little relieving. So Sibyl had purged itself to bring down its crime coeffcient..? It sure didn’t feel lke it, did it? Though she did feel like Sibyl seemed less cruel to herself in particular. There was plenty of reason that it had been like that before.

      “I wonder what that means.. For Sibyl. Purging that many minds… I wonder who it got rid of…” It was mostly a muse to herself and she breathed out after it, looking up at her as she continued. A more recent issue. She had a lot less anxiety about this.

      “I know why Sibyl had me interrogate him– I know why Cheif Kasei sent me to force Karanomori to do it and I know.. That Karanomori went to you about it too. I know that Ginoza was constantly appealing to go, and I know why you were sent there.” Once again she took a little breath and shifted in her seat, uncomfortable, considering her words cautiously, staring down at her hands still, twisting her fingers together.

      Mika was fully aware of Akane’s position. It was something that she had been all but told. it was strange to hear Akane catch up with it; like she had caught wind of an awful rumor.

     “It was a good decision,” she admitted, smiling a little. “I never thought an assault dominator would save my life, but Ginoza-san didn’t give Colonel Wong a chance to shoot at me a second time. I doubt that man would have missed twice, not at such close range.” The first time had been mostly luck.

“Shimotsuki-san, thank you for always working hard. I know we don’t always agree, but I hope we can get along better in the future--at least a little bit. Our work can only improve. I don’t want you to do anything rash or risky; please don’t misunderstand my purpose for this conversation. I only wanted to explain some things. And, of course, if you ever have any questions, you can ask me.”