CLEAN UP YOUR ACT

Dirt Bikes

Block Parties

Loud Neighbors

Parties in the Park

Chickens

Abandoned Cars

Stick-up Kids

Troubled Public Schools

Graffiti

Block Captains

Problem Solving

Black People

African People

Vietnamese People

Latino People

Non-white people

Organic Food

Vegan Food

Coffee

Mosques

Muslims

Jews

Here you go. A sketch from the new series, With Bob and David, coming to Netflix on November 13th.

This morning, I woke up to an alert that someone had shared one of my very few public Facebook posts.

Initially I thought it was some anti-abortion blockhead because the name didn’t ring any bells. I actually responded “my ugly what?” because … your/you’re, and like, who doesn’t like to start their day with a tall cup of yelling at anti-abortion trolls? 

But then I realized this was Colin Sizemore, someone I had encountered early last year in a Facebook group centered around FEST. It’s an unofficial FEST Facebook group, one that spawned the Pabst Smears, and one that is no longer open. At some point in maybe August of last year, he had made a misogynistic comment about Pussy Riot, and I called him out on why that comment was not okay. He responded by insisting his misogyny was okay because he was gay, and then harassing me until he got banned from the group.

At FEST, someone mentioned that he had threatened to show up and, I don’t know, kick my ass? Kick the ass of other people involved in the Facebook group who had banned him? He seemed genuinely unstable when I had the exchange with him, but not methodical enough to pull something, so I didn’t worry about it.

In January, he sent me this apology. I didn’t respond because I don’t owe this dude anything. 

Since then, he has periodically made posts about me in other FEST related Facebook groups. All of which I ignored or I didn’t see. This brings us to today.

So, he makes this post that I am tagged in.  I said something along the lines of “Are you mad that I never responded to your apology??” which, maybe I shouldn’t have engaged with him at all, but I was so confused as to what was happening. Fortunately I didn’t have to engage with him much because he had tagged me, and thus, all 1100+ of my Facebook friends could see the post, and lots were commenting to tell him to get lost. He also added this meme, which is comical at best:

FYI: you can be a feminist and have fake boobs, you can be a feminist and wear a push up bra, but you should not wear a push up bra if you have fake boobs, but that’s a medical advisement and has nothing to do with my feminism. Also, this is one of the most flattering photos of me ever (THANKS Amber!) and it’s laughable that I have ever had the extra money for plastic surgery.

He deleted the post and then sent me this:

After he deleted the first post and he had sent me that message (which I didn’t respond to), he made a second post (tagging me again) where he called me a “dyke” and said the only reason that I am pro-abortion is because nobody wants to fuck me. Two things that don’t offend me in the least, because “dyke” isn’t an insult, and uh, I’m not exactly desperate for dick. Nevermind that these two insults don’t really make a lot of sense together. He also mentioned something about how I’m so dumb, other people have to “fight my fight for me”, never mind that he was tagging me in the posts, allowing all my friends to see them? Like, of course they are going to say something.

Whatever. Then he deleted that post.

Then!!!! He posts this:

At this point, I block him because I don’t want anything to do with him. He also started posting photos of me to Instagram (which he has since made private). The posts were (hilariously) hashtagged with things like “GENIUSWITHCOMPUTERS” and also “MAKETHISSHITGOVIRAL” and also tried to say that I was racist??? Okay, whatever dude.

Then! Tonight, like some sort of TOTALY UNNECESSARY crowning jewel on a shit sandwich, he sent me this fucking video:

…

?!?!?!????!??!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!????!??!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!????!??!?!?!?!??

Like, how is it that I am 30 years old and getting a threatening VIDEO from some fucking goon who is telling me that he is “more punk, more hardcore” than me, or my friend – my friend who BY THE WAY is NOT a punk or into punk and is like, “lol I wouldn’t set foot at FEST”. This guy is at least 10 years older than me, and jesus christ, I hope I am doing *literally anything else* with my life besides making threatening videos about pop punk when I am this oaf’s age.

He also says something about showing us his “four foot schlong” in response to a weird and baseless insult (???) about Four Year Strong, a phrase and scenario you could not have PAID me to believe would happen in 2015.

He finishes off the video with some random comment about how he counsels kids who are going through drug problems, and though I don’t believe that, it makes me want to round up any kid within 1000 yards of this violent turd and keep them far, far way. 

Also, uh, no, I won’t be apologizing. Obviously.

Remember that it’s absolutely okay to just not like someone and move past them. It doesn’t mean you need to avoid them, it just means you coexist. I’ve done this a lot in my life and it’s great. Like really great, just cut the dead weight and move on.

This is just beautiful