Clea Who?

His heart stopped as soon as Clea grabbed his hand. It could’ve been just a touch and it would’ve had the same effect, but she kept her hand on his and it was like drowning and breathing, all at the same time. He quirked an eyebrow at her response, considering to leave in that moment as he was planning on a few seconds ago, but her touch, her soft hand… it was so distracting, she apologized before he could do something about it. Defeated Daniel fell back on the chair, pinching the bridge of his nose as he listened to Clea speaking. It felt like a revelation for her, he could tell, but Danny had a notion of all she was saying already. He had played with the ideas over and over again and had even helped him to sleep whenever he started thinking about Clea late at night. The girl who loved everyone, and he would played with the thought of her not loving him. It made it easier, though more painful. 

Frustrated, he let out a soft scoff. “They’re dead, Clea,” Danny whispered knowing it would only twist the knife in the girl’s chest, but he didn’t know how to word it differently. “You’re not helping yourself like this. You need to find help because I don’t know what to do. You can’t keep doing this, obsessing over them like this-” Daniel bit his lip. He was speaking honestly, from his heart, legitimately worried about the girl, like he always would be no matter what. 

“So what? You decided to walk away before anything bad could happen? There’s nothing different, Clea. And you were doing it so good,” he said, mostly for himself out of his own frustration. “The only difference I can see is the fact that I actually loved you unlike the rest. I loved everything right and wrong about you, but you wouldn’t let me… As if you were… afraid of me loving you or afraid of me, which now I would understand. I’m- just… stop saying sorry, alright? It’s been said too much and I don’t even know if it has a meaning anymore.” Daniel paused for just a second. “I just don’t know what to do. We keep going in circles, and you’re not getting over them, and I’m not getting over you. You know what I want, so please just tell me what you want.”

Clea stood silently before Danny, it was harder than she could have imagined, and yet she stood her ground counting the breaths he drew in while her own faltered with every passing minute. Choking on his words Clea felt them land hard against her chest and settle like bile in her abdomen, it was only the truth, and she had a hard time dealing with it. Closing her fingers into a small fist Clea gave a curt nod of her head and fought to keep her voice steady as she spoke. “I know they are.” Pausing she kept her gaze down, “And it’s my fault they’’re both gone.” Swatting at tears she wouldn’t dare let fall Clea nodded, she knew she needed help, but letting go had never been easy. 

Tucking her lip between teeth she nodded, of course, she had to go before he could get hurt. “everyone I love gets hurt...Not just Adam and Marcus, but my father and Elena-" Frustrated Clea groaned, "She was in the hospital because of me...Evie had always been right, I hurt people and I couldn't live if I had hurt you too." Suddenly his words struck her like electricity she jolted her head up and shook it, “No. I’m no afraid of you because of that night. I’m afraid of you because I actually love you, I actually can lose something real if I ever lost you.”

Clea’s face drew into an unreadable line as she looked down at spilled salt across the table. “I want to leave this place...” She spoke gently, “I want to leave with you.”

Daniel found himself grasping the tablecloth inside his tight fists underneath the table as Clea continued speaking, trying uselessly to explain herself. He needed no explanation, he knew what had happened, what Clea had been through, but what filled him with even more rage was the fact that she had no consideration for him, his feelings, what he had been through. He had never been selfish, but he had respect for his own person and when desperate times for him had come, he knew when he needed to take a step back, something Clea, nor anyone seemed to understand at the moment. He was tired of explaining as well, so he just shut his eyes and listened, mostly because he felt that if he looked at Clea for a second longer, he would break, his heart and soul would explode right there, right then. 

“I know what was going on!” He said a few seconds after the girl mentioned Adam, his name running around his head like a ghost haunting him as it had been night and day since the day they had met. Daniel shook his head. “Yes, Clea, but you stopped relying on Kyle’s money only to rely on a hundred men’s wallets,” he added, shaking his head. “It’s not the point– you thought- you know I didn’t agree on that, on being some sort of object, I told you not that long ago I thought you were worth so much more, but what’s the point in telling you, trying to show you if you don’t want to fucking see it yourself!” Daniel found himself raising his voice, symptom he was getting angry and to be honest, he was slightly terrified of his angry self now, so he took a second to take a breath. “I don’t want to chase her,” he said after a couple seconds, barely opening his mouth to speak, with his eyes still closed. “I’m not even sure what’s her name,” he scoffed with sarcasm and exhaustion weighing down on him. Taking out a couple twenties from his wallet, Danny shook his head. “I already said sorry and explained why I left you, even though I never left but what’s the point if you’re still locked up on that idea? I never left you. I made that mistake four years ago- is it five now? I don’t know, but you know what? Think whatever you want to think, Clea, whatever helps you to sleep. I’m tired too.” Daniel threw the bills on the table and prepared himself to leave, just with a slight hint of a hope Clea would do something about it.

“Five on the first.” She commented shortly after he ended his spiel. They both seemed always to be doing that, baring their hearts on dirty tables, in the back seats of cramped cars, never getting that far. It was exhausting and always had Clea skirting around what she wanted to say, what she wanted to do. Ghosts had a way of holding her back despite her heart wanting to move forward with Danny. Making a vaguely strained noise, Clea grabbed the money and grabbed his hand. “You realize giving me this money when I’ve done nothing is just as bad as me swinging around a pole for it?" She could practically kick herself, tossing her hair away from her face she pulled a face while muttering under her breath. “I didn’t mean it that way.” Puckering her lips in thought Clea still didn’t let go of his hand. “I loved Adam, and I loved Marcus, and you..and I know that might not be something you want to hear butt it’s the thing I’ve been skirting around, saying but not saying and I need to apologize.” She softened, her shoulders sloping forward as she did. “I’m pretty caught up in obsessing over them dying...on what could have happened if they lived...on what they’d be doing and I’ve been so hurt over it...” She cast a pained look to her wrist, adorned in bangles that poorly hid the truth. 

“It’s not that I didn’t...don’t love you, I do...I do more than I’ve ever loved any person, I swear to God Danny I do, you are the love of my life...but I don’t think I know how to love someone who is there...between Adam and Marcus I never had to try, or worry what would have happened if things didn’t work, because with Marcus they’d already failed, and with Adam, they’d never be real. With you it was real...and it was this always feeling like something bad could happen...and I’m sorry.” She sighed a breath of relief slowly letting go of his hand. 

Daniel knew Clea had this person in her, not that he’d personally witnessed it enough to say he knew her, but he was well aware of what she could be capable of, and worse, he was aware of what she could make him do. He was thinking as if he was walking on tiptoes on a minefield. He was scared that she would find that mysterious comment that would make him tick and make him fly into a rage just like the last time. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath when she slipped one more comment about his date, his hands turning into white tight fists under the table. He couldn’t do anything to avoid the startle when Clea slammed the glass of water on the table and opened his eyes just to found hers full of fury, darkened with heartbreak and pain, looking at him as if he were the cause of it all. And he was, he knew it and that was the worst part of it all. Gritting his teeth at the forced memory of the last time they had seen each other, Daniel swallowed loudly, tasting his own bitter rage and self loathe as he tried hard to contain himself. “Oh, just like you called me when you came back from France? Just like you considered me to take on that fucking job?” He murmured angrily, spitting out each word at her face almost. 

“Look, Clea,” Daniel started again after taking one quick breath. “What happened… there… I was drunk and hurt, and… that should’ve never happened. I hate myself for it, and no matter how hard I try I will always remember it. I know I hurt you, so I took a step back like a good decent man would, so fuck yes, I am moving on. Trying to, at least,” he pinched the bridge of his nose, looking back at the bathroom when Clea did, but there was no sign of his date, and Danny was starting to grow desperate. “No, Clea, that wasn’t your mistake,” he said, ignoring her last comment. “You took me for granted. You relied so much that I would be with you when you were hurting that you forgot that I can feel pain too. I have my own burdens, my own problems, and I don’t mind carrying with yours, I never did. Even when it got too much, I was there- but of course, I panic, I make one fucking mistake and I’m the one that left you, and you… And even when we go through that- I wait for you while you’re in France. You need time, space; I give you time and space, but I wait- Yet you go back to seducing old men, letting them slip one-dollar-bills in a fucking thong,” his voice broke, and completely full of shame a couple tears rolled down his eyes. What a sight it must have been for Laura-Lucia who was coming out of the bathroom and instead of heading back to the table, gave him one last look before walking out of the restaurant. “Fucking perfect,” he mumbled for himself.

For weeks Clea had imagined all the ways, Danny would try and make up for all the ways he had hurt her, and selfishly she had ignored all the ways she should have been trying to apologize to him. Sorry never did come easy, leaving was her way to go...when her father became too much when things got rocky with every relationship she had- she bailed. Sucking in a shaky breath Clea could feel curious eyes boring into her back, still she went about the scene as if she and Danny happened to be the only two people there. “So much had happened...between Adam, Marcus...the stuff with Elena and Evelyn and the hospital. I wanted to find my footing again when I came back, to be able to make clear choices...” Explaining out loud made her feel small, stupid, and angry. “ Running her tongue over her bottom lip Clea cut her eyes. “There is no shame in stripping...I needed a job and thought you’d like to know I was no longer reliant on Kyle for money, for a job, for a place to live!” Her voice rose and as a result, her words shook, her voice cracking while she fought back the onslaught of tears. 

Darting at her cheeks Clea watched as his date left, a small amount of relief satiated her aching when she turned her attention back to Danny her gut twisting at another fight, another reason to be angry. Breathing in attempts to control the overwhelming feelings of sadness Clea tossed her order book on the table. “Go chase your date- move on, do whatever you need. You were prepared to leave me in the hospital...so I mean, who am I to stop you...and don’t worry you’ll get a new server. I quit...I’m so tired of fighting, and losing everyone I love. Including you.”

He had been staring at this other girl for twenty minutes, listening to her speaking without really paying attention… What was her name? Lucia? No… Laura, her name was Laura. She had said it two weeks ago, when he asked her out and he had made sure to see her contact on his phone before she arrived to the restaurant, ten minutes late of course. She was talking about college, social psychology, a topic he had a special interest in but the sight was too distracting. The girl was attractive, a brunette with glossy eyes and pink lips but there was something that wouldn’t allow him to think straight… Was it the way her hair curled around her face or the curve of her bottom lip but Danny couldn’t stop thinking about the resemblance to Clea. Everyone has a type, he tried to tell himself, and surely every girl he would like from now on would have something that reminded him of her and he had to deal with it, but no matter how hard he had tried to be over it, he couldn’t stop thinking about it. It had been weeks since the last time he saw Clea, but his hands still shook when he thought of their last encounter, the man he had turned into and was so ashamed of. Daniel responded with a nod and a smile to a question he didn’t hear, but as if he was saved by the bell, a waitress approached them. His attention quickly drifted to her, in hopes that food would make his focus go somewhere else.

“Hi-” Daniel said cheerfully before his eyes met the waitress’. His attention did go somewhere else. “Hell-Hello,” he repeated, looking at her as if he had gone into some sort of trance and the vision of Clea standing there was only inside his mind. This is not the time, he thought to himself as he reached under the table and squeezed his thigh to wake himself up from his daydream, but it was the tone on the girl’s voice, one he recognized very well, one he loved because it was her own, her voice, her personality, that brought him back to this world. “This is- uh- I wasn’t expecting to-” Danny tried to say but nothing made sense, and his head was spinning and his date was staring at him just waiting for him to stand up for her, as if he could think of anything at all. “What do you- I’m sorry, this is so awkward,” he said to the other brunette, barely looking at her. Pinching at the bridge of his nose, he shook his head and took a deep breath. “Look, Clea, I’m sure we can just get a different waitress or- you don’t have to cause a scene, let’s just…” Daniel tried, with no success again, to handle the situation with maturity but Lucia-Laura-something with an L had stood up and stormed to the bathroom, clearly offended by Clea’s words. The boy groaned, rolling his eyes. “Are you happy now?” He asked out of anger, but regretted it at the moment when he thought of their last encounter. “I’m- I’m sorry. I didn’t know you worked here.”

Every time his attention diverted back to the other girl, with her pouty lips, and soft curls Clea wanted to reach out and yank her hair, the job be damned this was far too much fo her fragile heart spinning wild in her chest. Scoffing Clea gave them both an expectant look when what's her face got up and stormed away. “I’m not at all happy. Bulimia is a serious issue.” She taunted back, a horrid comment at the expense of a girl she didn’t know, of a girl who wasn’t there to defend herself. “Sorry-” She nearly laughed despite herself, her heart ceased and her stomach dropped. Slamming the glass of water she brought as a curtsey in front of him she barely even flinched when liquid spilled over the edges and down the table. “It must have been really hard on you having to find a new strip club to let some steam off in.” She rubbed her lips together until the color drained and she could barely stand without shaking.  “You don’t know the first thing about sorry.” Clea countered with a heave of her chest. “I mean for fucks sake-” Her words dipped to a whisper when her curse caught the attention of a few curious ears, “You really move on fast...Come to my other job just to hate fuck me and never called me back. I at least expected to hre something before the bruise on my thigh healed, but maybe that's my mistake. Always counting far too much on you.” 

Frantic Clea ran her fingers through her hair, tossing a cautionary glance back at the bathrooms, “At least you have a type, Thank God we all know I don’t.” She couldn’t help but seethe, the proof of her suicide attempt had left scars while the rest of the past year had left something harder to see. Clea was easily angered, at least where Danny had been concerned. It was as if being sixteen, in love and reckless wasn’t enough to get someone to stay, she should have known that; she attempted to check out more than once. She shouldn’t have been so angry at him for wanting to move on but every single part of her hurt knowing he was there with someone who wasn’t her.