back on my bullshit

if you absolutely cannot recover right now, you are 100% still allowed to use recovery resources and coping skills to keep yourself medically and emotionally stable.

eating two small meals a day isn’t full recovery, but it’s better than eating nothing.

purging twice a week isn’t full recovery, but it’s better than purging twice a day.

never be afraid to make recovery-oriented choices because you “know you’ll never be able to keep it up.”

taking care of your body is ALWAYS good. your best is all you can do, and sometimes your best just isn’t full recovery yet. that’s okay.

there are 1.4k ed accounts following me, and counting.

meaning approximately 140 of us will die from this disease.

could be me. could be you.

i'm not trying to scare you into recovery, i know it won't work. but as someone who've been in and out of hospital her entire life because of her ed, i feel obligated to remind you, skinny is not worth dying.

you don't care for staying alive? you don't see a point to live? well then, let me tell you what's gonna happen. you're gonna be hospitalized when it gets worse and they're gonna put you on iv, put you on meds you'll have to take for the rest of your life and make you eat hospital food if you're lucky enough to not be tube-fed. when that happens you're gonna beg those doctors to just let you die but they won't.

i know you've seen people who achieved their goal weights but just because they look good doesn't mean their bodies aren't in a fucked up condition.

you see thigh gaps, right? what you don't see is memory loss, heart problems, loss of hair, organ failure and many more.

because there's no happy endings to eating disorders.

the post is much scarier now, isn't it? eds can take so many people's life, including yours or your favorite mutual's.

you're still young. you're capable of recovering and living a full life. getting into collage, having your dream job, taking up hobbies, taking care of your pets, meeting the love of your life.

i know some of us have been suffering so long that it seems impossible to have all those in the future but i promise you, it's not.

your life will turn around and everything will be so wonderful to the point you'll say to yourself "huh, i could've missed all these things if i hadn't recovered can you believe it?" or "thinking about how i almost let my depression win and killed myself years ago, i can't even remember that feeling" and you'll shake your head, smiling. screw "iMaGinE yOu weRe skiNNi" posts. imagine this.

and not because i want more notes, more followers or anything.

i'm actually this close to begging people to not follow me. i don't want more followers, i don't want to trigger people with my posts even if i never mean to do that. it's genuinely upsetting to have an ed blog and watch your follow count go up, up, up.

i wilk regularly reblog this post because it's fucking IMPORTANT.

i know i'm repeating myself but it's so fucking important for every sick person to hear that recovery is the only good option here.

your body is NOT designed to take 300 cals everyday. your body is NOT designed for your b/p cycles. it's trying to survive anyway, it's trying to keep you alive but there's so much it can do and at some point IT WILL GIVE UP ON YOU.

♡ 96 Calorie Cookie Dough (single serving) ♡

--Disclaimer, this is NOT my photo. This is just a representation of what this could look like.--

☆INGREDIENTS☆

•COCONUT FLOUR 2 TBSP [45]

•UNSWEET ALMOND MILK 2 TBSP [8]

•UNSWEET APPLESAUCE 2 TBSP [8]

•1/2 TBSP CHOCOLATE CHIPS [35]

•3 DROPS VANILLA EXTRACT [0]

•3 DROPS ALMOND EXTRACT [0]

•2TBSP 0 CALORIE SUGAR [0]

♤ Directions ♤

▪In a small bowl add your coconut flour and make sure there are no lumps

▪Next in another bowl mix together applesauce, milk, extracts and sugar

▪Whisk those together until smooth

▪Now add wet ingredients into your coconut flour and begin to mix the dough together either with (clean) hands or a fork

▪If mixture isnt wet enough for you add teaspoon by teaspoon of more milk until the right consistency

▪Once adjusted to preference add in your chocolate chips and mix. Now taste test and add more 0 calorie sugar or extracts to your liking.

these are for my own benefit, one of my biggest struggles in restricting is people asking me why i’m not eating and as i am a dumb bitch i usually end up telling them exactly why i’m not eating :/

why aren’t you eating anything?

• i’m not feeling well (friends/family)

• i had a whole bag of m&ms in class (this one works very well with my friends)

• i can’t see anything that i like (friends/family)

• i just put a piece of chewing gum in my mouth and i don’t want to waste it (friends)

• i’m not hungry (friends/family)

• i’m going out for dinner after school and i really want to enjoy it so i’m going hungry (friends)

• i’m getting food when i go out with my friends (family)

have you lost weight? (mostly family, if my friends asked me this i wouldn’t be worried about making an excuse)

• i don’t know, have i?

• probably since i’ve started walking to school/started being more active (old reliable in my opinion, usually met with my mum saying “oh yeah! you’re probably right”)

• probably, i’ve been trying to eat healthier (technically not an excuse, but does not eating at all count as healthier?)

• probably, i always lose weight after i’ve stopped eating so much at {insert special occasion eg christmas} (obviously can only be used at certain times of the year)

you look like you’re about to faint, do you want some food?

• no thanks, i’m not feeling well

• make a joke about how pale you are and that’s why you look faint (not appropriate for everyone obviously)

• i stood up too quickly (perhaps not very reliable in some cases)

• i’m on my period (excuse for feeling faint) and i would eat but it’s making me feel bloated (clearly not an excuse for everyone, but can be very reliable)

no one at all:

Symptoms like anemia, hypoglycemia, and others commonly sought after can act like validation that someone actually has a problem, and for people struggling with an invisible illness that most people just brush off, needing validation is very prevalent in those with eating disorders

It goes hand in hand with the idea that if you’re not in the worst condition possible, you’re not really anorexic and it’s an idea that gets so many people killed and it’s not just an edgy tumblr thing, nearly every single patient I was hospitalized with, adolescent and adult, said they didn’t seek recovery because they weren’t “anorexic enough”