class of twenty-one

And the pressure building between my ears

If at some point my skull explodes

Splitting myself and my headphones into small, grotesque pieces

Leaving the rest of us doomed to a fate of endless turmoil for the simple fact that we didn’t bow down soon enough?

I think I have to die soon,

As in the next few weeks.

I can't envision staying here,

Being this person that can't be me.

Her head is threatening to fall off,

The body is so fucking heavy,

Like I've packed up all my words and choices and carry them here with me.

I think about this on occasion

But not nearly as much as I should,

I might want to plan my funeral soon,

God knows mommy never could

The ache in my stomach is growing

Its cause remaining unknown

right now I can't remember any of them

all I hear is this song

we meet again

and again and again

I just saw you yesterday

except that was last year

I can’t be sure what you look like anymore

but your face is next to mine, glancing between white snow and brown skin

tracing lyrics on our hands

which clasp tighter with each verse

speakers amplify a moment’s score charged with the feelings we can’t ourselves express

you can’t stop looking at me

and I can’t stop looking away

but we’ll always be together

you made me this way

why?

so you could feel better about yourself when I turned out to be fucked in the head?

so there'd be one more person in this world who's no match for your intellectual prowess?

does that bring you satisfaction?

setting up arguments you know you'll win

preparing your case before its been brought to court

aren't you bored yet?

of making everyone else feel littler beside you

one day you'll realize playing with dolls doesn't become you

find something new

a hobby

the stars give light lifetimes old

tears descend blindly into future skies

surrendering to beings unknown

the secrets they whisper fall to foreign ears

we bask in a glistening history

it was theirs once

it is ours now

He called me again today. I don't know what this new deal is. I spent 7 years pining for this very guy. Dealing with being ignored in the halls and getting weak head nods in groups of our friends. I'd go to high school basketball games that I didn't understand week after week to watch him hold the ball for approximately 4 seconds. Saying hi to his parents and cheering when he got subbed in, just for him to walk right past me with an awkward smile and glance on his way from the locker room to his car. I was used to that. The coldness, or weirdness, or whatever you called it. I'd settled into the one-sidedness of our relationship. In fact, you could say I was almost over it. I haven't been to a basketball game in months. Granted, it's not basketball season, but even if it was I probably wouldn't go. We exist on different planes. Me, a Trader Joe's frequent, listening to French alternative music and reading for fun. He, a college basketball prospect, who plays PS4 and wears exclusively Nike sweats. When I realized this, I realized my idea of us, together, was based on the life I saw for myself a couple years ago, and not the life I'd grown into since. I abandoned any idea of us connecting on any level deeper than "Did you do the homework last night?"

Anyway, that's beside the point. He's been calling me. Like on the phone, facetime, so much, which is so fucking weird. And when he calls me, we actually talk. Like for hours, about real fucking things.

We have the exact relationship I pined for all this time. Minus anything explicitly romantic. We're friends. We talk, on the phone, a lot, which I already said, sorry. And I have to pretend like this is some organic thing that came out of nowhere and we're just seeing where it goes.