IXORA QUEENS Ā / / / Ā 001 .
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā LETHE , EMBODIED AND REBORN ; YET GUILT STILL TROUBLED HER MORE SO THAN OBLIVION . WAS SHE NOT HOLY ?Ā Ā Ā Ā /Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā arguing with him never ends favorably , it seems ; her hands shake but the work is done ; 10 baby blue clouds in her soft hands . there are tears that collect behind her lids, but she cannot let the rain fall along the skyās clouds . not when they were so brand new and stained the color of the sky ; it would not rain on them . so she sets them aside , and suddenly unoccupied hands fidget and dance ; like her pupils as she watches his antics .
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā she reads him like the elders read the sun dial . can see the flaws in the mask , and between those cracks are insecurities . that softer man that would crawl into her arms and rest there . the softer man that would stay at her place for weeks at a time , make her breakfast and sing her songs in a language she never really cared for but learned anyway . the man that was hesitant in touching her , but would moan under her ministrations . her words read as exasperated when she talks .Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā god you are so painfully unfair ; everything has to go YOUR way or you just canāt stand it right.āĀ Ā Ā Ā Ā the stars that glitter against her eyelashes fall like comets streaking across the sky . that wasnāt a cosmic event , those were her tears and they roll despite her best effort to keep them at bay .Ā Ā Ā Ā ā do you ever think of others when you speak like this ? ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā she wants to let him go , wants to let him WALK OUT OF HER LIFE . she was a mother , and she was grown ; too old to be dealing with children that were far beyond the age of babysitting . but sheās petty , for a moment , and she wants the last word . how dare he make her cry ; motherās day sits heavily in the back of her mind , her sons wanted to make something for her . it had made her giddy , when her ex had told her as much .Ā how dare he make her cry when her life was going so tangibly well despite everything she had been through.
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā you are so selfish , i canāt stand it . you know you matter to me , you always have. āĀ Ā Ā she sneers , slamming a hand down along marble counter tops , the force cracks the surface ā fissures web from epicenter outward ; it would need to be replaced.Ā Ā Ā ā you have so thoroughly tried to tear me down , no matter how many times iāve tried to help you . you ask meĀ āhow longā instead of asking about how my children are when i got visit them ; you are apart of my life , but you chose to be a bad part of it because you cannot control yourself when you donāt get your way. so you know what , jesse , you hurt everyone you care about because you'reĀ so thoroughly scared of letting others in. ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā i understand your motivations , your illnesses , and your paranoia . but i refuse to be treated like this . and if you cannot learn to treat others better youāre going to be alone ; or worse , youāll end up like your parents . superficial and awful. ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā heĀ Ā seesĀ Ā himselfĀ Ā reflectedĀ Ā inĀ Ā theĀ Ā silverĀ Ā ofĀ Ā herĀ Ā tearsĀ ,Ā Ā Ā thoughĀ Ā howĀ Ā oftenĀ Ā itĀ Ā wasĀ Ā thatĀ Ā heĀ Ā usedĀ Ā toĀ Ā feelĀ Ā theĀ Ā sorrowĀ Ā withinĀ Ā himĀ Ā butĀ Ā wasĀ Ā unableĀ Ā toĀ Ā expressĀ Ā it .Ā Ā Ā Ā whereĀ Ā heĀ Ā wishedĀ Ā toĀ Ā cryĀ Ā butĀ Ā couldĀ Ā not .Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā šššš Ā š
ššš Ā ššššššš Ā ššššššš Ā šššššš Ā ššš Ā šššššš Ā ššš Ā šššššš Ā ššš Ā ,Ā Ā Ā Ā whenĀ Ā heĀ Ā couldĀ Ā notĀ Ā talkĀ Ā norĀ Ā moveĀ Ā andĀ Ā asĀ Ā frozenĀ Ā asĀ Ā hisĀ Ā bodyĀ Ā wasĀ ,Ā Ā Ā heĀ Ā couldĀ Ā notĀ Ā evenĀ Ā breatheĀ Ā toĀ Ā letĀ Ā tearsĀ Ā fall .Ā Ā Ā Ā `&Ā Ā nowĀ ,Ā Ā Ā forĀ Ā thatĀ ,Ā Ā Ā theĀ Ā guiltĀ Ā eatsĀ Ā himĀ Ā alive .Ā Ā Ā noĀ ,Ā Ā Ā heĀ Ā knowsĀ Ā howĀ Ā itĀ Ā feelsĀ Ā toĀ Ā wantĀ Ā toĀ Ā cryĀ ,Ā Ā Ā andĀ Ā howĀ Ā itĀ Ā feelsĀ Ā toĀ Ā beĀ Ā soĀ Ā completelyĀ Ā terrifiedĀ Ā ofĀ Ā doingĀ Ā so .Ā Ā Ā Ā faƧadeĀ Ā shattersĀ Ā likeĀ Ā theĀ Ā counterĀ Ā topĀ Ā whenĀ Ā sheĀ Ā breaksĀ Ā herĀ fistĀ Ā downĀ Ā uponĀ Ā itĀ Ā `&Ā Ā hisĀ Ā onlyĀ Ā responseĀ Ā isĀ Ā aĀ Ā momentaryĀ Ā panic .Ā Ā Ā Ā ššššš Ā šššš
š
šš Ā , Ā Ā Ā ššššššššš Ā ššššš .
Ā Ā sheĀ Ā tellsĀ Ā himĀ Ā everythingĀ Ā thatĀ Ā heĀ Ā alreadyĀ Ā knowsĀ ,Ā Ā Ā everythingĀ Ā thatĀ Ā heĀ Ā tellsĀ Ā himselfĀ Ā heĀ Ā isĀ Ā preparedĀ Ā for .Ā Ā Ā butĀ Ā heĀ knowsĀ ,Ā Ā Ā withoutĀ Ā shadowĀ Ā ofĀ Ā aĀ Ā doubtĀ ,Ā Ā Ā thatĀ Ā heĀ Ā couldĀ Ā neverĀ Ā beĀ Ā prepared .Ā Ā Ā Ā soĀ Ā manyĀ Ā timesĀ Ā heĀ Ā hasĀ Ā ghostedĀ Ā inĀ ,Ā Ā Ā andĀ Ā outĀ ,Ā Ā Ā ofĀ Ā anotherāsĀ Ā life .Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā šššš Ā šššš Ā šš Ā ššš Ā ššššššššš .Ā Ā Ā butĀ Ā eachĀ Ā timeĀ Ā heĀ Ā becameĀ Ā aĀ Ā littleĀ Ā closerĀ Ā toĀ Ā feelingĀ Ā hisĀ Ā shadowĀ Ā thanĀ Ā theĀ Ā manĀ Ā whoĀ Ā wasĀ Ā castingĀ Ā it .Ā Ā Ā Ā heĀ Ā wasĀ Ā alreadyĀ Ā aloneĀ .Ā Ā Ā becauseĀ Ā sheĀ Ā wasĀ Ā rightĀ :Ā Ā Ā Ā heĀ Ā wasĀ Ā despairinglyĀ Ā frightenedĀ Ā ofĀ Ā whatĀ Ā heĀ Ā wasĀ Ā beneathĀ Ā theĀ Ā mask .Ā Ā Ā heĀ Ā wasĀ Ā notĀ Ā cruelĀ ,Ā Ā Ā Ā ššš Ā šššš Ā šššš .Ā Ā Ā Ā butĀ Ā choiceĀ Ā layĀ Ā betweenĀ Ā cruelĀ Ā andĀ Ā invisibleĀ ,Ā Ā Ā `&Ā Ā heĀ Ā wasĀ Ā tiredĀ Ā ofĀ Ā both .Ā Ā Ā itĀ Ā wasĀ Ā soĀ Ā muchĀ Ā easierĀ Ā toĀ Ā pretendĀ Ā toĀ Ā beĀ Ā someoneĀ Ā else .Ā Ā Ā Ā HEĀ Ā ISĀ Ā NEITHERĀ Ā AĀ Ā MANĀ Ā NORĀ Ā AĀ Ā SHADOWĀ ,Ā Ā Ā BUTĀ Ā SOMEWHEREĀ Ā INĀ Ā BETWEEN .
Ā Ā Ā Ā heĀ Ā isĀ Ā silentĀ Ā forĀ Ā aĀ Ā longĀ Ā whileĀ ;Ā Ā Ā Ā unableĀ Ā toĀ Ā findĀ Ā itĀ Ā inĀ Ā himĀ Ā toĀ Ā voiceĀ Ā anyĀ Ā wordĀ Ā thatĀ Ā perhapsĀ Ā heĀ Ā shouldĀ Ā beĀ Ā speaking .Ā Ā Ā Ā heĀ Ā knowsĀ Ā heĀ Ā couldĀ Ā stop .Ā Ā Ā Ā šš Ā ššš Ā šššš Ā šš Ā ššššš Ā šššš Ā š
ššššš .Ā Ā Ā butĀ Ā evenĀ Ā theĀ Ā thoughtĀ Ā aloneĀ Ā bringsĀ Ā anĀ Ā icyĀ Ā coldĀ Ā shardĀ Ā toĀ Ā digĀ Ā throughĀ Ā hisĀ Ā heartĀ ,Ā Ā Ā andĀ Ā hisĀ Ā bloodĀ Ā runsĀ Ā winter .Ā Ā Ā theĀ Ā mentionĀ Ā ofĀ Ā hisĀ Ā parentsĀ Ā makesĀ Ā theĀ Ā iceĀ Ā growĀ ,Ā Ā Ā hisĀ Ā mammaĀ Ā whoĀ Ā heĀ Ā usedĀ Ā toĀ Ā loveĀ Ā soĀ Ā dearlyĀ ,Ā Ā Ā andĀ Ā hisĀ Ā papaĀ Ā heĀ Ā remembersĀ Ā nowĀ Ā forĀ Ā hisĀ Ā positionĀ Ā atĀ Ā theĀ Ā kitchenĀ Ā tableĀ Ā asĀ Ā heĀ Ā staredĀ Ā atĀ Ā hisĀ Ā sonĀ Ā inĀ Ā disappointmentĀ .Ā Ā Ā Ā ššš Ā šššš Ā ššš Ā šššššššš Ā šš
Ā ššššššššššš Ā ššš Ā šššš Ā šššššš Ā š
šš Ā šššš .Ā Ā Ā Ā nowĀ Ā heĀ Ā standsĀ Ā stillĀ ,Ā Ā Ā motionlessĀ ,Ā Ā Ā likeĀ Ā aĀ Ā statueĀ Ā asĀ Ā sicknessĀ Ā swimsĀ Ā inĀ Ā theĀ Ā pitĀ Ā ofĀ Ā hisĀ Ā stomach .Ā Ā Ā andĀ Ā evenĀ Ā thoughĀ Ā heĀ Ā couldĀ Ā admitĀ Ā itĀ Ā toĀ Ā himselfĀ ,Ā Ā Ā Ā toĀ Ā admitĀ Ā itĀ Ā toĀ Ā anotherĀ Ā wasĀ Ā likeĀ Ā resigningĀ Ā oneāsĀ Ā selfĀ Ā toĀ Ā theirĀ Ā will .Ā Ā Ā Ā toĀ Ā admitĀ Ā thatĀ Ā heĀ Ā wasĀ Ā soĀ Ā scaredĀ Ā ofĀ Ā beingĀ Ā aloneĀ Ā thatĀ Ā everythingĀ Ā heĀ Ā didĀ Ā toĀ Ā preventĀ Ā itĀ Ā isolatedĀ Ā himĀ Ā furtherĀ .Ā
Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā ā Ā Ā Ā iĀ Ā know .Ā Ā Ā Ā ā
blakekathryn
tangentwithtanner
