clara anima

I rarely write personal text posts on this blog (or anywhere, really) but this happens to be the one place I have managed to keep hold of i.e. not completely forget about (5 year journal) or delete (various blogs and youtube channels) that is kind of like a diary. I have been using this blog on and off for over 2 years (is ‘using’ the correct term? I don’t think it is. Can you also tell I like to ramble? And put text in brackets?) and whilst I prefer talking (so a youtube kind of thing is ideal for me- I love to talk), I like the anonymity I have on this blog. 

I spent my time as an 18 year old having the time of my life. I turned 19 in the summer and found out that not everything happens the way you want it to. This was, and still is, crushing but I want my disappointments to define me in the best way possible. I’m being aggravatingly vague because, again, the anonymity. 

It is now November (where is the year going?!!) and I’m becoming increasingly aware of how I am going to be 20 in not that long. I am dramatic by nature (this must be because I was an acTOR at school- said in my snootiest and sarc-iest theatre person voice) with a lifelong fear of growing old (I cried when I turned 17- I told you I was dramatic) and so I really wanted do a 20 before 20 type thing. I have various cliche and unique (not only dramatic but also arrogant now too) reasons but I am kind of eek-ing at how much of a rambler I am and how this list should have started 3 paragraphs earlier. 

Be nicer to your family

Make time for the friends you cherish 

Be able to hold a casual conversation and order food in another language

If you have extra money, spend it on things that you like that also improve you as a person and not things that you like but also increase your chance of getting atherosclerosis by 9999% 

Read the news about your motherland- you keep up with the politics here, you can keep up with politics in one more country

OMG PLEASE LEARN HOW TO BUDGET 

Learn how to cook some traditional dishes

You happen to like some things that are actually educational- embrace it and learn some more!

You happen to like some things that are purely for entertainment- embrace it but don’t ruin your life over it

Discipline is important and you need it to get you to where you want. You have ridiculous amounts of motivation but you need discipline. If you decide to do something to better yourself, make it final. Only you can make a change for yourself. 

So you’re lucky that right now you can eat 3 big macs after a night out and still be called petite but let’s be real here, you have noticed the pounds piling on recently- start exercising please. 

If people pleasing was a competitive sport, you would be a top athlete, a well loved (obviously) ex child genius who progressed from junior to senior championships with ease- people pleasing is in your blood. All of this spiel is to soften the blow for you- honestly, you care so much about what people think, you would rather be a different person for them just to make them like you. STOP DOING THAT. BE CONFIDENT about your own fucking personality.

Host a cute dinner party. Or an absolutely killer house party. 

FINALLY dye that hair dark blue like you have always wanted to

Absolutely ace at least one exam

Wear suncream on your face, neck and hands EVERY DAY

Stop pushing your feelings away

Start washing your tights properly. You wear tights A LOT. How many more times do you have to put on a pair of tights that look dirty before you learn?

Donate. You always feel bad about not being able to give money to charities when you see people fundraising or you see advertisements on TV. “But I’m a poor student”, you say, “I can’t afford it”, you say. Well maybe if you ate less KFC’s, you would be able to afford it. 

I turned 20 in June and now 3 months (!) down the line, I decided to do an update. I had pretty much forgotten about this tumblr but not the goals I had posted on it. Again, this blog seems to be the only thing from the last couple of years in my life that I haven’t deleted and ‘started anew’ so I wanted to post an update to look back on when I’m old and in my mid twenties (I kid, I kid- I know being in your 20′s isn’t old). 

Be nicer to your family: I think I’m better now. Still not the best but I would say this is a quarter success- I’m still working on it 

Make time for the friends you cherish: I definitely managed to do this, this year. I’ve been blessed with one friend, in particular. 

Be able to hold a casual conversation and order food in another language: Very proud I can do this

If you have extra money, spend it on things that you like that also improve you as a person and not things that you like but also increase your chance of getting atherosclerosis by 9999%: so this definitely didn’t happen.... I feel like my eating habits got worse

Read the news about your motherland- you keep up with the politics here, you can keep up with politics in one more country: I definitely didn’t do this... I don’t think I even attempted wow

OMG PLEASE LEARN HOW TO BUDGET: spent way too much money on takeaways. This was a fail

Learn how to cook some traditional dishes: Another one I didn’t manage to do 

You happen to like some things that are actually educational- embrace it and learn some more!: I actually did do this! I listen to a lot more podcasts relating to topics I enjoy.

You happen to like some things that are purely for entertainment- embrace it but don’t ruin your life over it: I think I’ve done poor-average here. I really must try harder.

Discipline is important and you need it to get you to where you want. You have ridiculous amounts of motivation but you need discipline. If you decide to do something to better yourself, make it final. Only you can make a change for yourself.: This is the same as the one before. I have done slightly better than before but not good enough.

So you’re lucky that right now you can eat 3 big macs after a night out and still be called petite but let’s be real here, you have noticed the pounds piling on recently- start exercising please: PLEASE start exercising.......

If people pleasing was a competitive sport, you would be a top athlete, a well loved (obviously) ex child genius who progressed from junior to senior championships with ease- people pleasing is in your blood. All of this spiel is to soften the blow for you- honestly, you care so much about what people think, you would rather be a different person for them just to make them like you. STOP DOING THAT. BE CONFIDENT about your own fucking personality: I’m still a chronic people pleaser. This is a tough one to change

Host a cute dinner party. Or an absolutely killer house party : DID BOTH OF THESE (okay maybe the house party was more fun for me than my guests, but I had a good time?) 

FINALLY dye that hair dark blue like you have always wanted to: Have the hair dye ready, it’s going to happen!

Absolutely ace at least one exam: Aced 3! I still have one left from this semester but I’m going to pull my socks up majorly and really make sure I do well.

Wear suncream on your face, neck and hands EVERY DAY: Not every day, ngl, but most.

Stop pushing your feelings away: getting better...

Start washing your tights properly. You wear tights A LOT. How many more times do you have to put on a pair of tights that look dirty before you learn?: Started of well and then petered off, like the rest of my life fml

Donate. You always feel bad about not being able to give money to charities when you see people fundraising or you see advertisements on TV. “But I’m a poor student”, you say, “I can’t afford it”, you say. Well maybe if you ate less KFC’s, you would be able to afford it: unachieved aim, sadly

You have led a charmed life up until now. One setback won’t kill you and don’t let it kill you. Stop being so embarrassed- embrace what has happened and learn from it. You can do this: I feel embarrassment is a bad thing to feel, especially when you feel it so frequently for such odd reasons. I’m trying to get over things but I do feel I probably won’t be able to.

All in all a poor effort, but I’m not counting the ones I’m still working on. I’m still happy as I feel like I’ve made progress mentally and my mind is in a better place than back when I first published the original post. Many of my aims are big, personality changing aims that take a long time to accomplish so despite the low number of completed goals, I’m glad I have actively tried to start making the ones that will impact my life the most happen.

I will definitely be doing a 21 before 21.