I think my favorite thing about Chopped is the generic descriptions they come up with because they can’t say brand names “circular cream filled chocolate cookies” like no those are Oreos, Ted.

The eye doctor is the most fun doctor you can go to. They never steal your blood. They never make you get naked and put on a paper dress. They're just like, "Can you see these letters? It's fine if you can't, we can fix that." And they don't even spell anything.

I just showed an Olmec guy all the uses we have for corn today and he started milly rocking 

At the sex shop asking if I can buy a regular sized dildo I can put in my unremarkable asshole but they recognize me as the hero of legend regardless

lowkey being anti-pretentious abt Media is actually quite a bit pretentious. i find people who do this kind of holier than thou "i only consume popular media because I'm not a pretentious performative prick like you and unlike you i am in touch with The People" quite worse than being an uptight cinephile or whatever

hello I notice that you are attempting to access my webbed site from a phone. did you know we have an app? I will redirect you to the app store so y— oops it looks like you tried to load the webpage again, it's okay I will show you to the app sto— no, no, it's okay this happens all the time, I know you didn't really want to access the actual website on your phone, that's why we have an app! let me take you to the app store where you can download it

? that’s not the picture i pasted but ok

It’s particularly standard practice in former British/Commonwealth countries to have light switches outside bathrooms, but it’s not exclusive to them.

it's cool how in the 6 years since this tweet was written it's become significantly less useful not because anything has gotten better but because the majority of products on Amazon are now from fly-by-night brands called "ZZPORK" and "GLUM4PANT"