(˙ ͜>˙) !

I wish I could blame everything on the fact I was unmedicated, suicidal, self destructive, and Schizophrenic.

But I'm not interested in a absolving myself just because I have a grocery list of mental illnesses.

No, I wasn't the person I said I was to everyone. I made a lie up so that no one would be sad when I finally disappeared from their lives for good.

And now that "for good" has been here for almost half a year, I can say it's the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life.

It doesn't matter if the funny mental illness demon "made me do it"

I still said what I said to try and hurt people. And I still circumvented blocks to make it look like I wasn't worth their time to save.

My mental health was degrading rapidly, and I got everyone else caught up in my mess. And nobody deserved that. Not after how nice everyone had been to me.

I'm happy I'm medicated now. My head has never been so quiet, and I'm happier generally. But it doesn't matter if I can't share that happiness with the people that mattered to me the most.

I'm so sorry, I failed all of you in a way that I can't describe.

But I'm trying to get better. I'm in extensive therapy now, with more coming down the line as I trudge through wait lists.

So I told people I was strong. I was strong for dealing with awful shit in my life.

Abusive parents, sexual assault, constant bullying from peers. But I hated that too.

I hated telling anyone anything. Because more than anything, I didn't want to be a burden.

And so after I while, I started to push people away. The more shitty I would appear, the less they'd check up on me, and the less they'd even want to worry about me.

And God bless them, it didn't work until I started lying about myself. No better way to push people away than to tap into the shit they hate the most.

From the most petty shit like telling them my favorite Pokemon was one that one of them disliked, to the awful shit I said about myself in my public blow-up.

I don't have a favorite anything. I feel no pleasure from anything I do. And fuck my life, I lived it so honestly up till I started self destructing, that of course they'd believe me without any evidence that when I told them I was a monster.

I am an unhealthy person. But that was because I was an undiagnosed Schizophrenic who was convinced I couldn't let anyone help me. Not because of the habits I said I had.

Nobody caught me doing anything. There was nothing except my own word against my own actions, and I spent my life condoning the actions I said I did.

My life is still shattered, and I stopped bothering to pick up the pieces.

Until I learn to deal with my Schizophrenia. I don't think I can be a good friend to the people I loved. So I'm not telling anyone myself.

I already tread over boundaries by circumventing blocks in a final effort to seal the deal and finally push everyone away.

I doubt they'd listen to me now anyways. I successfully assassinated my own character so much, I bet if I told them this, they'd call me a liar trying to worm her way back in to my old position.

I still stepped over boundaries, and made people angry by circumventing blocks. And if people don't want to see my side of things because of that, that's fine.

My life is a Ship sending off constant evacuation orders, everyone left save for an extremely sparse skeleton crew, and it turns out the warning was just a false alarm.

I'm disabled, can't work longer than 6 hours because of a hard limit I was given so I can't save money.

Had to move back home with my abusive parents who are both hemorrhaging funds because my dad lost his job and keeps buying drugs.

I keep getting dead named and misgendered and having weird comments made about my body along with getting touched in ways I do not enjoy.

My dog was put down and my mom refused to keep any sort of remains.

Got divorced so I could try to get on disability. And now I'm paranoid my wife was just waiting for this to happen the whole time because of how long it took for nothing to happen.

Can't feel pain, can't feel pleasure. So I can't fuck or self harm myself out of a bad mood.

Got diagnosed with a laundry list of mental illnesses, one of which was directly responsible for me making a bunch of stupid decisions that led to a majority of my friends leaving me.

No more prospects because I'm sure if I tried to work and finish on any on my projects. I'm just gonna be fucked over by comments I made when I had undiagnosed Schizophrenia.

Have no money to help me with my gender dysphoria. Town nearby just axed bottom surgery funding, and I can feel it coming here next.

I don't have fun playing games unless people are watching.

And now my anti-psychotics are removing any suicidal ideation I had. So now I know killing myself would be a stupid ass decision.

Can't drink because of meds. Can't smoke weed because I'm Schizophrenic.

I've recently became so allergic to shrimp that just eating at a sushi restaurant will equal a hospital trip. So I only have like one comfort meal now.

Ive suppressed so many emotions related to my traumas that I'm just losing key memories.

And the friends I do still have are hardly available. So I'm legit just alone for 90% of the day.