There'll never be a good enough way to apologize.
I wish I could blame everything on the fact I was unmedicated, suicidal, self destructive, and Schizophrenic.
But I'm not interested in a absolving myself just because I have a grocery list of mental illnesses.
No, I wasn't the person I said I was to everyone. I made a lie up so that no one would be sad when I finally disappeared from their lives for good.
And now that "for good" has been here for almost half a year, I can say it's the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life.
It doesn't matter if the funny mental illness demon "made me do it"
I still said what I said to try and hurt people. And I still circumvented blocks to make it look like I wasn't worth their time to save.
My mental health was degrading rapidly, and I got everyone else caught up in my mess. And nobody deserved that. Not after how nice everyone had been to me.
I'm happy I'm medicated now. My head has never been so quiet, and I'm happier generally. But it doesn't matter if I can't share that happiness with the people that mattered to me the most.
I'm so sorry, I failed all of you in a way that I can't describe.
But I'm trying to get better. I'm in extensive therapy now, with more coming down the line as I trudge through wait lists.
I'm never letting myself hurt anyone like I did back when I was unmedicated.









