C.K Sera

I say the wrong things and make just about the dumbest choices

There are times when I beat myself up about it

Why did you say this?

Or, why did you do that?

Replay scenarios over and over

As if that changes anything

I’m telling you...fucking silly

But that’s me

And if I’m going to attempt to start the process of genuine self love then I have to love those parts of me too

Or how the fuck am I ever going to set my lips to ask someone else to love them as well?

And when they leave you’re like “ha I was right”

When in reality you just made it hard for them to stay.

For allowing death to exist in my space.

For setting a plate for it at my table.

My one and only certainty.

Heres the thing about death.

It is always with you. A true companion.

You could run from it, if you wanted to.

You could hide in the deepest of jungles,

or fly to the top of the skies.

But one day it will find you.

So why run?

One infinite circle. One infinite thread.

Floating in a sea of hearts not quite like my own.

It may be that I am not entirely human.

It says that this world revolves around energy and emotions.

Transferred from one person to another, everyone we meet and touch and so on.

Infinitely.

That your soul can recognize family, friends, and lovers before your eyes can.

That everything is so much bigger than what it seems at the moment.

That there is a force stronger than us turning the wheels.

Every morning I wake up and let go.

For the universe cannot turn if I am working against it.

That I could cry.

That I could love.

That I needed it, wanted it, craved it.

Forgot that hugs made me feel just as warm as they did anyone else.

Forgot that loneliness existed for me too.

She needed you.

She cried for you

In front of you, out to you, ran to you.

And you exterminated loneliness for her.

But just because she bore her heart on her sleeve while I held mine tightly to my chest...

doesn't mean I loved you any less.

Someone who knows herself better than anyone.

Anyone.

Our mothers do not know us better than we know ourselves.

Yet we pretend that we don’t.

We all know our deepest darkest secrets. But we pretend that we don’t.

We shove them back into a corner of our brain. A consciousness we pretend doesn’t exist. We pretend.

We tell ourselves things like; “Its not my fault”, “I️ did the best that I️ could”, “I️ didn’t have a chance to”, “I️ was put in this position”. We lie to ourselves constantly, and then we have the nerve to claim uniqueness, self love, and joy.

We are all the same...

Until we’re not.

So I️ am my biggest enemy because I️ know I️ am a pretender, and a liar, and a traitor.

Yet everyday I stay the same.

Someone who knows herself better than anyone.

Anyone.

Our mothers do not know us better than we know ourselves.

Yet we pretend that we don’t.

We all know our deepest darkest secrets. But we pretend that we don’t.

We shove them back into a corner of our brain. A consciousness we pretend doesn’t exist. We pretend.

We tell ourselves things like; “Its not my fault”, “I️ did the best that I️ could”, “I️ didn’t have a chance to”, “I️ was put in this position”. We lie to ourselves constantly, and then we have the nerve to claim uniqueness, self love, and joy.

We are all the same...

Until we’re not.

So I️ am my biggest enemy because I️ know I️ am a pretender, and a liar, and a traitor.

If when I️ do, your perception of me doesn’t learn and adapt and adjust.

If you want me to grow you gotta grow with me.

So I admire those who do. Those who understand the inner workings of my heart. Who at times have no idea what the hell I'm thinking but stick by me until my thoughts pour from my lips ( Usually at the worst times). The friends who patiently wait for me to touch ground after exploring the clouds. The family that supports my dreams whether they fully understand them or not. The men who were able to know me, truly know me, without me ever having to open my mouth. Who were content with unspoken 'I love yous' delivered through kisses and midnight embraces. Who understood that there are parts of me I'm not willing to give just yet. You are the ones who are one of a kind. My precious ones. The ones I hold most dear.

The ones I love.