What a predator really looks like
I have put off writing this post for far too long. I keep seeing this post circulating, even being reblogged by women I consider to be smart and savvy. (Titled âThrough a Rapistâs Eyesâ) Iâm writing a separate post about it because I refuse to reblog it again, even to debunk it. And speaking of debunking it, you can read what snopes has to say about it here. This load of crap has been circulating almost as long as the internet has existed.
But the misinformation in it isnât the point of this post. Snopes can do that just fine. I want to talk about something that even snopes overlooks in their breakdown: the false assumptions about what a rapist looks like. This false assumption isnât just dangerous for would-be victims. That would make it seem like a woman can prevent being raped if she just has the right information or wears the right clothes or acts the right way. Yet again the age-old victim blaming. But thatâs another post. False assumptions are dangerous because itâs one of the reasons rape gets swept under the rug. Itâs the main reason men like Brock Turner get away with it.
You see, most women arenât raped by a thug in a back alley. Most women are raped by someone they know: a co-worker, a family member, a classmate.
My sexual assaults fell into these categories. I was sexually harassed and fondled at age 12 by a 16 year old classmate - at school and in view of dozens of witnesses with teachers nearby. (I clarify fondled because some people still think sexual harassment means you canât take a dirty joke.) I was almost date raped at a party where there wasnât even any alcohol and then was subsequently harassed by the guy because, again, he was a classmate. I was sexually assaulted by my doctor when I was 17 or 18 (why I canât remember that detail is - again - another post). This guy had been my doctor since I was seven. In retrospect, I realized he groomed me by making comments about my body since I was a child - sometimes in front of my mother.
Do you see the pattern here? None of these predators were lurking in the dark. None of them were strangers wielding weapons. They certainly didnât carry around scissors to cut womenâs clothing off. And the assaults happened not in dark parking lots or public restrooms but in schools, in the home of a friend, in a doctorâs office. Places where I should have been safe. This is important because assuming rapes happen only in isolated, dark places affects rape trials. If we want juries to stop letting rapists off, we need to educate the public that rape can happen anywhere.
Now letâs talk about profiling. If the police do it with robberies and drug busts, then letâs apply it to sexual assault, shall we? I was watching one of those 20/20 true crime specials (bad idea, I didnât sleep for a week!) about a serial rapist/murderer. They interviewed multiple people who said he was handsome and charming. One of the FBI agents said he looked like a movie star. One of his victims let him in to her hotel room because he worked there as the maintenance man. He told her there was a leak in the plumbing that he needed to fix. She actually said no at first, but then he said theyâd have to change her room if they waited until morning. It was late, she didnât want to pack up her and her daughterâs things, so she let him in.
Does that mean this woman, her daughter, and her daughterâs friend wouldnât have been raped and murdered if theyâd just been smart enough? No, that is not what Iâm saying. Because you know what? I probably would have let him in too. I think most of us would. My point is, itâs time that law enforcement and the public in general woke up to the reality of what predators look like. They look like Brock Turner, Larry Nassar, Jeffrey Epstein. They are typically white (yeah, I said it), often attractive, wealthy, intelligent, and charming. Ted Bundy was, even Charles Manson knew how to charm and manipulate those girls. Maybe men like this wouldnât leave a long string of ruined lives in their wake if the Brock Turners of this world were put away for a long time when they should be.
The boys who terrorized me when I was a teenager were charming. Girls loved them. I didnât realize it at the time, but the guy who tried to date rape me, when he was cajoling and making fun of me to let him do things, he basically told me of his former rapes (one with a twelve year old). It was my therapist who helped me see that. At 16, all I knew was that most girls at my school would have wanted to be on that couch with him. The rage he exhibited when I told him no, I thought, was my fault. No one else told him no! Or so he said. How many other victims suffered in silence at my high school? Because who would believe that this charming, good looking guy could be a rapist?
Then there was my doctor. Again, smart, successful, respected in the community. I didnât find him attractive, but I can see how women would. And even if I did think he was attractive, attraction isnât consent. Women are raped by men they are in a relationship with, for heavenâs sake! Like Larry Nassar and the US gymnastics team, my mother trusted this man as my doctor my entire childhood. Who would believe me if I accused him? Surely I misunderstood.
All of these assaults happened when I was in my teens, and many years have passed. I donât even remember the name of the first one. The second, I remember his name, but I have no idea where he is. As for the doctor, I can only remember his last name. Iâve done multiple google searches, and canât find him. He isnât practicing medicine anymore, thatâs all I know for sure. He may even be dead. I do know none of these men have ever been convicted of assault. Most likely all of their victims, like me, have remained silent.
This is what predators look like.
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