CJBXZ

I didn't come prepared with an idea to express. Nothing in particular to adddress. Today just happens to be the first Saturday morning in a long time wherein I don't have anywhere to be, anything to do, or anyone to tend to.

Most Saturday mornings this past year were spent catching up from a late night out. But not last night. Last night was a soft night. Peaceful.

And this morning is also a soft morning. It comes with appreciation. Perhaps pensive, but for the most part it's simplest just to describe it as 'peaceful'.

I made a mix for my work. I find it difficult to play music that is agreeable, but still listenable for myself. I realize it’s all in my head. I can’t get over my self-perception that I’m off in the deep end. As a result, this is me extending the biggest olive branch I could find.

Got around to racking my brain to list the cities I’ve visited in the last 12 months. Feb ‘16 - Feb '17:

2016 Joshua Tree, USA Balí, Indonesia Manila, Philippines Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia Ottawa, Canada Montreal, Canada New York City, USA Cancún, Mexico Cichen Itza, Mexico Catalina Island, USA San Diego, USA Tijuana, Mexico Manila, Philippines Tokyo, Japan Naeba, Japan Joshua Tree, USA San Francisco, USA San Antonio, USA Manila, Philippines Seoul, South Korea New Delhi, India London, UK

2017 Lake Tahoe, USA Park City, USA Austin, USA San Antonio, USA Marfa, USA

I'm looking out my window in Seoul and I see a cold frigid, dead, grey sky. Looking at the news feed lately it's anger, fear, and pain. 2016 has been such a strange year.

But the personal conversations I've had lately– time spent with real people– have all been so very warm and bright. When forces out of your control bring dismay, you'd be surprised at what intimacy in those around can protect or heal. Thank you to all those who have been beams of light and certainty in a time of darkness and unknowns.

Here are a few things that have brought me happiness or touched me positively lately: A lovely Thanksgiving with my beautiful family. The news of proposal of Tim and Jinni, committing to nurture their deep and genuine love for each other. The people I've met in Korea thus far for such an inviting, accepting welcome. The positive outpour of love and support for the unfortunate loses in San Francisco.

Had fun dancing the night away and running amok around Williamsburg with this trouble maker.

Bali was just absolutely amazing. Met up with such rad people who are similar to me. Really felt at home, with my people. There was some distress but it was eclipsed by all the good.

It's Thursday, February 25th, 2016. Over the next 36 days, I am trying to set into motion a lifestyle framework for my future. I have purposefully forced myself into solitude in Manila to focus on balance; maturity, the health of my mind and body, and passion.

Over the past few years or so, I would say that curiosity mixed with loneliness, plus uncertainty of myself and the future, have all influenced my repeated decisions to pursue short-lived excitement. And with these additional occassions of excitement comes comparitively longer periods of time of emotional guilt and the feeling of being lost.

Fortunately this is not a sad story and there no major regrets. But that is not intended to downplay the consequences and pain that may be on the horizon unless control and temperance are gained.

So before it is too late and while I still have a fair chance, I've gone and removed myself from one life to live out another. From one side of the world to another; I hope to use this time to challenge myself grow in the following areas:

– balance of the mind – balance of the body – creative expression – allowing for inspiring input – love

There is nothing terribly unique about this. Many people in their 20's live out a rambunctious lifestyle. (I think I have had my share of fun, and then some). But most respectable, accomplished, admirable people grow out of it. Some live through their entire lives missing out on both sides (having too much fun, being overly boring) and regret it in the end either way. I'd like to think that I've had my time for fun and that it is time to move on. (The occasional setback is bound to pop its head up.)

I am not trying to squash and stamp-out the person who I am today. I don't loathe myself; I'm simply trying to grow. C.S. Lewis summed it up wonderfully:

“Critics who treat 'adult' as a term of approval, instead of as a merely descriptive term, cannot be adult themselves. To be concerned about being grown up, to admire the grown up because it is grown up, to blush at the suspicion of being childish; these things are the marks of childhood and adolescence. And in childhood and adolescence they are, in moderation, healthy symptoms. Young things ought to want to grow. But to carry on into middle life or even into early manhood this concern about being adult is a mark of really arrested development. When I was ten, I read fairy tales in secret and would have been ashamed if I had been found doing so. Now that I am fifty I read them openly. When I became a man I put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up.”

Addmitingly, there is an additional motivating factor budding from an burgeoning affinity for someone whom I just cannot get out of my god damn head! ¡Uf! At the most inconvenient moments she will take over my concentration, only to quickly dissolve into a tarnished by embarassment and/or regret. The reason being that every opportunity afforded to me thus far at having a honest decent evening with her gets off to a good start. Casual, then sincere. But eventually, at some point long into the evening I'll end up having too much to drink either out of nervousness or habit and it causes me to second-guess my evaluation of her emotional reciprocity. I second-guess myself. I end up undermining what may (or may not) be an opportunity. I'd like to harness those emotional ebb and flows and transform it into passion.

So the idea is to prepare myself for the days, weeks, and years ahead. Mentally, phsyically, and emotionally. All of them are challenging but I think most importantly (for me personally), is to allow myself emotional exploration. To possibly love. We'll start off in preparation for the fast approaching opportunity that is coming up in a few short days. I'm going to run into her in my travels. Whatever the results may be, the idea is to walk away from it with clarity. An understanding of what is and is not, and peace in my heart either way.

In the meantime I'm here, right now. Present. Trying to develop habits and practices that make me a 'better person'. And if you're sitting there reading this thinking, "do it for yourself", I can understand why. Plenty of 'good' people do it for themselves. But looking at those whom have influenced me most (my parents, for example), people whom I admire and hodl in the highest regard, have shown me that lived the way they did entirely "for themselves". What I witnessed and learned was that being a good person is not about about being virtuous just so you can live with comfortably with yourself (I'm not so far from that as is), nor is it to curb the fear of losing out of ultimate redemption at the end. It's about being a good person not only for yourself but for those around you as well. To improve not only your quality of life but the lives you touch. It's a gift, a unique one. I've felt it, it's special. And I would like to nuture that gift and share it one day as well.