KIM. ࿁ 𑄹 ˙

Given the circumstances I should probably be more vigilant when answering the door, but at this hour it could only be one thing— so I thought. My eyes are cast low expecting to find my takeout planted neatly on my plush doormat, only to be met with the leather of familiar sneakers. Instantly the hunger fades away, replaced with the unwelcomed confusion of relief. I don't even look him in the eye before turning away, headed back to my nest of pillows and blankets. I'm distinctly aware of him moving around behind me. I hear when he slips his shoes off at the door— at least he still remembers to do that. I strain my ears to listen to the thud of his sock covered feet as he heads into the kitchen, and I force my eyes to stay centered on the television, not wanting to acknowledge his presence when the couch dips and he sits next to me. I should scoot away, but I stay rooted in place. 

"Foods on the counter…smells good" he lets me know, leaning in to plant a kiss on my warming cheek. I give no response besides turning my head away. 

"Baby come on" he pleads into the space of my neck, gliding a hand around my shoulder to pull me into his side.

"not hungry anymore," I grumble. A bold faced lie and he knows it. I'm always hungry. The protruding stomach his hand caresses down being the reason. He lets it rest on my oiled belly, chuckling at the flurry of movement coming from inside upon the introduction of his husky voice. Traitor.

"I think someone else is though" he murmurs, still tucked into my neck. I can feel the tick of his jaw as he begins to lose patience at yet another lack of response. Feather light kisses tickle up my throat and across my cheek before making a home on the temple that I'm sure has a protruding vein across it. "I know you're mad at me baby, but I won't let you starve my child. Get in that kitchen."

"Why didn't you use your key?" I pondered aloud. The hand around my shoulder slivers down to meet the other around my midsection. "I wasn't sure if it would work" he mumbles, refusing to look me in the eye.

“Why wouldn’t—” He lands a chaste kiss on my stomach before quickly rising and making his way back to the kitchen. Casually questioning what I ordered along the way. Frustration and confusion create a sickening mixture and it dominates my ability to disregard his presence. Throwing the blanket to the side I stomp after him. For a moment I’m struck with a vision of a child behaving this same way, silently sending up a prayer for my own sanity before continuing on my pursuit. 

“Why are you here?” I bluntly question, approaching the opposite side of the granite island. 

“I live here” he responds without even lifting his head from digging around inside the brown paper bag. I still haven't broken the habit of ordering enough for the both of us and I'm sure he’s pleased to find his favorite inside. 

“You used to live here, before—”

“before I left and said I wasn't coming back”

“exactly. Yet here I am seeing you again for some odd reason.”

“Where are the new ultrasound photos?” he muses munching on the crisps for the wonton soup, completely ignoring my last statement.

" I haven't heard from you in weeks"

"And whose fault is that — Are you keeping them in the room? I know you like to look at them before bed —I've called out for you every day and you've yet to respond, i'm not very happy about missing out on the opportunity to see my child—"

“Roman you haven't called me,” I interrupt his rambling and the look of confusion on his face has us both pausing. The silence becomes suffocating and I scramble to find something to fill it.

"Well, we’re fine. You can go now," is what I land on. His body reboots then, as if he were a robot in need of a battery change, he must be in need of a system reboot also because once again he ignores me. The chinese takeout I'd been craving the entire day calls out to me as he dishes it out onto two sparkling white plates. When he slides one in my direction it's like a peace offering that I'm hesitant to accept. Shuffling over to me he wraps his arms around my waist letting both hands caress my skin rocking us side to side in faux serenity. I’d already concluded that my baby was a traitor. Tiny feet and fists casting an array of small thuds anytime his voice was near and whenever his hands lay on my belly they seemed to crescendo.This moment was no different from all the others. It made my heart flutter even through the irritation for the man that helped create those small feet. I want to bask in this moment and yet all I could think about while he lay his hands upon my silky skin was if after this he’d up and leave again.

"let me fix this" he coos, reading my mind. I want to ignore him and keep myself present in this moment, but his utterance has me gripping the lapel of his shirt.

"let you fix it?" The look on his face is sickeningly sincere. I can't tell if it's his proximity or the baby but tears well in my eyes, quickly flooding over. 

"You’re not even trying " I blubber, dropping my head to his chest. Tears continue to cascade down my cheeks and he just holds me in the ruin. 

"I know baby. I'm sorry.”

“Why aren’t you trying?” I cry, My words echoing around us as if I'd spoken into a microphone forcing him to hear my pleasing. The response he gives is seemingly muddled by my tears. Lifting my head to stare at his face, his mouth is moving, yet his words come out mangled, a distorted language that I cannot decipher. Miscommunication often sounds as such. He tries again, this answer is identical to his last attempt. My puzzled reaction silences him.

“I don’t understand,” I choke out silently begging for him to elaborate. A sad smile graces his lips after hearing my words. Angling his body, he plants a lingering kiss along my forehead, giving my midsection one more gentle caress before backing away, doing what I asked of him just moments before, leaving. My feet are glued to the floor as I watch him stalk down the ever stretching hallway to the door. 

“Roman please help me understand,” I call after him to no avail, attempting to pry my feet from the tile. The harder I try, the further the distance between us grows. I watch as he bends to reapply his shoes, untying and retying laces with nimble fingers. Rising from his folded position, he stands stock still for a moment, his head twisting and turning to take in his surroundings as if for the last time. He casts a longing look in my direction, the smile he sends me is genuine as if to convey his final affections. When his hand lands upon the door knob, my feet spring free and I brace myself to chase after him. Taking my first step just as that door swings open—

The blare of the alarm is loud and unwelcome. A radar resounding through my mind and bedroom. Peeling an eye open, I’m met with darkness. the only light being from the city beyond the window—absent of any curtains. Where are my curtains? The sun not even close to peaking over the horizon is cause for even further confusion.It was still the middle of the night. Why were alarms going off at this time? Slow movement on the other side of the bed sends me springing up, ready to get to the bottom of the vivid dream I’d just been torn from. Reaching my hand over to caress his back, I open my mouth to croak out his name. 

“R—

A mumbled “I’m up” slices my thoughts in two. My body is doused in a cold sweat at the realization. This is not my apartment nor my bed. His alarm comes to a deafening end as he stands from the bed stretching his arms high over his head. Walking slowly to the ensuite bathroom, naked as the day he was born. Jason starts getting ready for work. I should follow suit, maybe i could convince him and Jey that I’m sick and can’t come in. I know he’ll be there tonight and I’m not sure my mind can sustain the torture of seeing him walk away again. None the wiser to the turmoil steamrolling my body, Jason emerges from the restroom; boxers on, tooth brush in hand. I watch him pad to the closet, searching for something to wear. A seed sprouts in my mind as i watch him till about, one that I’ve dug up and thrown out time and time again—guilt. This has to end.

This started off as something completely different like not even in true Dear Desperado universe, but it was 1am and my mind took a turn and i wrote this in like 40 minutes. I’m someone that likes to think that dreams show us what we can’t see while awake. fears, desires, even distorted realities. This is set about a week before clash in Paris, in the midst of damn near cyberstalking this man my girls mind has been active.

I’ll post a deep dive on how I’m interpreting it later because now that I’m fully awake my mind is seeing what i wrote and I’m so intrigued lol.

As always excuse any mistakes and i can’t wait to hear what you guys think, happy reading!