Cirdans

Spoiler: Never really happened but that's not the point.

I'd try so hard to be part of different groups or how I thought you had to be to be part of the groups.  Never really got in with them but did a spectacular job of making an ass out of myself along the way.  My mom would always ask me a simple question though: why are you trying to impress people that don't think you're worth their time?

It's a good question to this day.

Just now, and really for the past month basically, I've been killing myself trying to be the person that this group of people wanted to have around.  I wanted to be part of their clique-but-not-really-clique.  I wanted to be the person they texted or messaged, I wanted to be someone they linked to things and included in the jokes and would be considered "quality" but all that it has done is made me feel inadequate.

Am I not a good enough writer or artist?  Am I not creative enough?  Am I not witty enough, am I not smart enough?  Do I have the wrong sense of humor or not enough of one?  Do I keep the wrong hours?  Is it because I'm unemployed or is it because I live too far away?  Is it because I said something that was gauche once or twice and it was spiraled out of hand by third parties?  

Why, oh why, am I not good enough for these people?

I'm sitting here and racking my brain trying to figure it out, I'm trying to think of how to make myself into this person that others would want around but this is just as bad as spending all of your money on "cool" clothes even though it's just me trying to be the "cool" kid on the internet.

Do I really want to be the cool kid online because I have a large presence here?  That means lots of time behind the laptop, lots of time and energy and effort keeping on top of everything and vying to stay in the loop but if I become that "cool" kid online, doesn't that cost me a lot of what goes on in reality and life beyond a screen?  What happens if the power goes out, does that bit of self worth go with it?

I've seen what happens when you go quiet for a few days.  All that hard work to be in the thick of it is for nothing, the crowd keeps on moving and you're left in the dust and scrambling to catch up again and keep up.  It's a perpetual cycle and there really isn't any happiness for it and why am I beating myself up to impress these people that don't include me?

The internet is a wild place and I've been thinking about it a lot lately, like the aspect of how it warps perspectives and reactions from how they would otherwise come about organically.  Or how it took an organic reaction that was true to oneself and shapes it, influences it into something else.

I know I was a lot happier before I was introduced to the world of Social Justice Warriors.  I was happier when I could say I didn't like a character (re: Tauriel from the Desolation of Smaug) because I didn't like how she was portrayed -- she abandons her post and her people, she defies orders of the king and she endangers the heir because she's headstrong and young -- but clearly that has to be because I hate women or women of power.  No, not the case but that's just my point.  Everything has to be about something, someone always has to be offended and it has come to the point where freedom of speech has become a mine field.  

Yes, you have the right to say what is on your mind but now you must beware people with heightened sensitivities and agendas coming after you because they disagree.  Debates are beautiful, wonderful things.  Having your inbox explode with hate because you disagreed with someone on the internet?  That's not so beautiful or wonderful.

Then you get caught up in it, whether you stay caught up in it is up to you but there is inevitably a point in time where those nasty words from some anonymous schmuck on the internet really weighs you down and it sucks. It ruins your day, it becomes what you focus on and the rest of your day (or longer) suffers for it and you really can't explain it to people that haven't been involved along the wild ride because you realize you sound like you're whining or maybe you realize you did sound like a schmuck yourself.

And that gif right there speaks the truth and sums it all up nicely.  You do come to worry about what someone else might think of you or how they'll react and you censor yourself.  Sometimes you might not even realize it but you do.

I've realized it.  I don't have taboo opinions on matters, I'm not sprouting hate and vitriol at the world.  I'm also not agreeing with the masses on everything but I sit down at the computer to work on my site or even talk amongst friends and I worry about what people are going to say or think about what I say or think.  How will effect me, will this last on the internet and be the reason someone doesn't hire me in the future or will it tarnish whatever image there is of me?