i am losing the will to live and documenting it

slow morning today, gonna practise guitar for a bit. words don't feel quite right today and i'm not sure why. might journal for a bit later, we'll see.

the nights are too short and the days are too long and every sunrise is warmer than the last. somewhere in it all there's a boy waiting. waiting for the latest dawn, and the earliest sunset, and after that day the boy will be back. but until then, i'll just wait.

i remember the exact moment i fell in love with post hardcore. i was sitting in my room, listening to my spotify daily mix 1. a song, that's now very special to me came on, the difference between medicine and poison is in the dose by circa survive. immediately my view of music flipped on its head. i pretty much stopped listening to pop punk, and anything other than circa for months. slowly, i fell back into my regular music taste, mcr, fob, old panic, leathermouth. then one day, my daily mix gave me standing on the edge of summer by thursday. and i fell in love again. then it was saosin. then thrice. then finch. then sunny day real estate. i started listening to more full albums rather than just the songs spotify thought i'd like. first it was full collapse. then war all the time. then a city by the light divided. then waiting. then along the shadow. then saosin. and by that time, i was already so deeply in love with the genre. anyway, happy early birthday to on letting go by circa survive, the album that changed my life over the last 6 months. the album that stopped me from dying.

i just saw something that said maybe you weren't a terrible person, maybe you were just thirteen and damn that hit close to home

today i found out there are 200 psychiatrists in my area who know about my case. i was past months camhs sct case study.

i am so fucking close to relapsing on something i just need to pick what, rn im thinking alcohol but sh or codeine would work too. i need help so fucking badly.

my name is toby robin sanders. im 14. my favourite band is my chemical romance. my favourite album is on letting go. my favourite movie is ten things i hate about you. i grew up with 2 pet cats, daisy and batman, but batman passed away last year. i still have daisy. shes 16 now. im an equestrian. i like to showjump. my favourite food is gyoza. my favourite sweet is chocolate mini rolls. my favourite drink is monster juiced monarch. im autistic. i collect records. my favourite record i own is two dreams by circa survive. there are so many things people could remember me by, but they always remember me as the mentally ill one. i try to destigmatise taking meds by talking about them sometimes if relevant, but they just stare. i dont know what i am.

i need a hug

i don't know what to do with myself. i'm considering just crying until i fall asleep tbh

i am barely alive right now. i am weak, both mentally and physically. i can't stand for long any more. i don't know what is wrong with me but it's something. i can barely think. maybe i'm dying. i should move back to writing this shit in a journal rather than tumblr but fuck it. if i die i want this shit to be public.

i don't know what to listen to tonight. i can't help but be agitated and annoyed at the world around me. i desperately want to go to sleep but i can't right now. it isn't right. i wish i could just pick an album.

sws tonight!!