Cinema Of Cringe-reviews on bad and cringy movies

Title translation: Pillow Talk

Mr Baum moves into a new flat and pays the previous tenant, Mr Fiedler, a DM 200 compensation fee for the old furniture. Someone remarks that whatever one dreams about the first night in a new bed will become true.

The first night he dreams about how Mr Fiedler had sex with two girls in this bed, and then meets them on the stairs the next day. He tells them details from what he has dreamt about, and he massages one of the girls' thumbs the way he saw them suck dick, also he tells them where they have moles on their bodies. The girls suspect that their lover, Mr Fiedler, has kissed and told his exploits to the plain-looking Mr Baum.

The next time Mr Baum dreams about a girl coming to ask for sugar. This time he is actually able to replicate the encounter and seduce the girl using his insider knowledge.

The following day the two girls ask Mr Baum for a chat and ask them how he came to know about their tête-à-tête with Mr Fiedler, and he tells them how he dreamt about it. He promises not to tell anyone if they have sex with him, and their usual threesome unfolds, with both girls sucking his dick simultaneously.

Love Film 679

actors: Barby Schoffmann, Gloria Brandelhuber

Title translation: "Tongue Salad" (a specialty salad with meat and mayonnaise)

This strangely starts off with a short shot apparently set in Southern California, then we see two similarly dressed girls hitchhiking, but it's in Germany. A car stops and they tell the driver they want to go to Möslingen, but tells them he has to detour to Potzhausen. They girls hit on the man immediately and they go to his pad, where they challenge him to have sex with them. And then a vigorous threesome ensues until climax.

I'm assuming they used a stag movie from the US and shot some extra hitchhiking footage, with two similarly-clad girls, to give it context and sell it in Germany.

Production company: Tabu

Title translation: Filthy Dreams Of Schoolgirls

Julia wants to make the most of her parents going away on holiday. She tells her friend Karin (Karine, Karen) that she has a crush on Karl (Charles), her piano teacher, and hopes that he will be the one to make her a real woman. So when she turns the piano lesson into a "dancing" exercise, the governess, Greta, throws Charles out.

Then Julia's cousin Lissy arrives unexpectedly with her husband Paul because they want to visit the opera in the evening. Julia then calls Karl and arranges to conclude their get-together, but advises him to first clear the atmosphere with housekeeper Greta. Lissy and Paul return from the opera late in the evening and have marital knowledge of each other, while being peeped on by Julia. She then soliloquies that she has now forgotten Karl and set her mind on Paul instead. Quote: "I had to think of Paul's member … and his seed!"

The following day, while the three cousins Julia, Lissy and Paul are out shopping, Karl appears and offers Greta a bunch of flowers and asks her to forgive him. When the shoppers return, Julia seduces Paul while Lissy is nursing a headache and Karl is still at it with Greta. When Karl rushes out to gather his clothes, he is seduced by Lissy in return, who hopes that sex will cure her migraine. Greta, still only half dressed, wanders downstairs, comes across Karin and seduces her. In a montage all three women climax simultaneously.

Julia wanders downstairs and starts playing the opening march to Aida on the piano, as she smiles into the camera.

Dorle Buchner is dead sexy in this, she stars in this movie with her husband Siggi Buchner, who plays the piano teacher. Unfortunately, he doesn't quite cut it as the dreamboat Julia is making him out to be, who herself seems not to be the right fit for a schoolgirl.

Alternative titles: Schoolgirls; La petite fille perverse

Note: Its English title is Schoolgirls, and one of director Kenneth Howard's consequent movies was called "Schoolgirls 2" (German title Das Sexabitur) for marketing reasons, even though it's a different movie with no recurring characters or further story development. Its sequel (which used a lot of material from the original part and rehashed the plot) was called "Das Sexabitur 2. Teil", but this time there wasn't an English title.

Actresses:

Helga Wild = blonde Julia

Dorle Buchner = brunette Karen

Greta, the governess

Director: Kenneth Howard (Jürgen Enz)

Production company: Herzog Video

Title translation: The Friend Of The House

A busy housewife urges her husband to get to work as quickly as possible - of course, she's not keen on her housework but on her special friend. As the husband drives off in an antique Karmann Ghia (or similar jalopy), the "friend of the house" (and backdoor man) storms in and practically jumps the wife's bones. Then the husband realises he's forgotten his umbrella and returns home. The peculator manages to hide, so the husband is none the wiser storms off. The couple resume their endeavour, and the beguiler ejaculates through the open window and onto the husband, who remarks that he can "feel the first raindrops already".

Title translation: Semen Battle

A photographer (Bobby) shoots two models (Susi = blonde with long braids = Jutta Bienek; and Lisa = brunette), initially in cheesecake poses. Then the models play with each other, and quickly a threesome evolves. Lisa gets fucked by Bobby, and Susi blows him off.

Very similar to Scharfe Schlitzchen, where Jutta Bienek sports a similar look with long blonde braids.

Title translation: Bed Career

A girl with short, dark hair and sunglasses meets with two men in the outdoors court of a fast food restaurant. The men rub her pussy. Holding hands, they go to a flat where they have sex, before finishing off with a dildo. Then they get dressed are seen leaving the apartment.

Running time: just over 17 minutes

Title translation: Hot Little Slits

A photo model offers her services to a photographer on the telephone. She and her two girlfriends (Trixie and Wixie) expect an old fogey which they can easily rip off, so, dressed in frilly whites, they mosey on over. To their surprise, two stately young men (the photographer and Peter) expect them in what must have been a 1970ies dream home, and naturally a gangbang evolves, which later moves on to the bathroom.

Germany, 1979

Actresses: Jutta Bienek; Christa Ludwig

Title translation: Eva And Evelyn On Callgirl-Tour

19 years-old Eva is home alone (apart from sexy maid Lucie) for two weeks and intent on earning money with her vajayjay, thus doing her bit against youth unemployment. A pimp from the talent agency comes right over to check her out thoroughly. Eva astutely changes her looks from bible basher to slut and thus satisfies her agent - She's hired! She calls over her bosom friend Evelyn to tell her all about the exciting development, and Evelyn immediately agrees to take up this business proposal. She makes out with Evelyn while Lucie jills off in the kitchen. Later, the pimp comes over with a paying customer, Gustav Springler. On his request, they masturbate with dildos and then engage in full-blown sex. The end.

Both girls work from home as prostitutes, not call-girls, and they're not going on a tour, either.

Production company: Rubin Film

English translation: Three Lusty Sisters

Germany, 1979

The narrator, a blonde in a green dress, and three lusty sisters (Gabi, Birgit und Brigitte) in white dresses, who are sadly orphans since their early youth, vie for the sexual attentions of a single male, coz he's the only fit guy in the village. But then the narrator decides that she'll snag the dreamboy away from them.

Production company: Starlight Film

Title translation: Titty-Wally (Wally being a girl's name)

A buxom mature blonde first masturbates, then is serviced by two males.

Production company: Wara

Silent stag movie (with music overdub) with a running time of just over 15 minutes.

Title translation: A Stitch In Time (literally "A Swift Stitch")

A sewing machine salesman is seduced by a blonde client; he demonstrates techniques such as the Kreuzstich on the machine and on the girl.

Pretty funny for just about 10 minutes running time.

Production company: Wara (this was included on a VHS sampler).

English translation: Secret Lust

Two men in vampire dresses are picking up their girlfriends to take them to a fancy costume party. They meet at the apartment of another girl, Wanda, who is described as an "advertisement executive" and "just another emancipated cow" and dressed as a 1920ies flapper in gold. The men have a drink with Wanda, which evolves into a threesome, while the two girls are getting frisky with each other in the room next door. They walk in on the threesome and join the action. One of them, Gisi (Gisela?), is cut from the dress she's just put on with a pair of scissors. "The End" after less than 18 minutes running time.

Production company: Onyx Film

Stag movie with just under 18 minutes running time.

Title translation: Chipmunks (the German title refers to the striped prison uniforms of the escaped inmates)

Two escaped prison inmates (named Streifenhörchen because of their striped uniforms) encounter two camping tourists, and mucho humping ensues

Production company or distributor: Wara; Diamant Video

Stag movie, ca. 20 minutes running time

Title translation: "The Night Of Anal Love"

Karli and his paramour awake, feel horny again and engage in anal sex. Another couple, Paul and Elli, walk in on them and end up trying anal sex as well, with the men performing a double penetration with the inexperienced Elli.

Germany, 1970ies

Synopsis: Incredibly confused and messy German porn movie about the sexual exploits of a family.

English translation: Secret Love

In the first scene we see a young man (Amadeus) doodling around on an electronic organ with three sets of keyboards. Then there's a completely unrelated psychedelic love scene between two women. Next, the same young man as before plays on a cembalo; a girl, Susanne, sneaks up on him and drops her panties on his keyboard. He is startled, and she asks him whether he's never touched girls panties before. She asks him whether he will remember her after her departure, and then we see taking a cat's bath in a dream-like sequence. Cut back to the cembalo, she kisses Amadeus who immediately gets up and says that he has to go to his geography lesson. We see him walking up to a barn and peeping on a farm-hand and a maid having very extensive and enthusiastic sex. Amadeus hurries on to his lesson, where the teacher quizzes student Marina on what is the dirtiest river in Germany. The teacher is annoyed with him and tells him that fellow student Marina will tutor him. She does so by getting undressed and engaging in sex. The elderly teacher, Traute, makes a phone call to Amadeus' father Hans-Werner, proudly telling him that his son takes after him.

Next, a spa where a woman (Mary) gets a massage, and then a shag, while another woman (Charlotte) watches them from the pool. After the masseur leaves, she advises her friend to have her husband Hans-Werner "educate" her daughter. Hans-Werner then takes her for a drive in a chauffeured Rolls-Royce to an establishment, where a girl (Lizzie) has sex with a man dressed up as a "leather stud" with biker's cap. Lizzie then leads the girl away from uncle Hans-Werner and she is given a bath, before hitting the bed with Lizzie: the girl watches Lizzie get herself off, which causes her to rub one off herself. Lizzie tells her that she's now ready "for the boys", meaning two leather-clad bikers. After they've had sex, the girls walks over to the waiting uncle, who tells her that she can experience this more often.

Next, a butler has sex with a housemaid.

We then see Hans-Werner with his family, including Amadeus and Susanne. Hans-Werner tells his son to take care of his geography lessons and cousin Susanne. The young wife and step-mother Charlotte announces that she wants to go shopping alone in the city, so she is followed by Hans-Werner, who witnesses her meeting with a man, whom he suspects to be her lover.

Meanwhile Amadeus spies on Susanne taking one more bath. Hans-Werner returns and admonishes his son. Charlotte returns home and Hans-Werner asks her about the man. In a flashback we see the previous sex act between the stranger and Charlotte, with her elaborating how great it was; Hans-Werner congratulates her. Charlotte tells her lover that her husband "knows everything" and asks him to bring his wife the next time. He complies and tells his wife to appease Hans-Werner, before getting sucked off by her in the taxi. Then the couple has sex in front of Hans-Werner. All of a sudden a blonde Janine (Regula Mertens) appears out of nowhere, saying "Hi, I'm Janine, what's your name?" and sucks of the man. Hans-Werner comments that Janine does this out of love for him, and that since "the last war" he is unable to perform. The wife watches the scene timidly.

Later, Hans-Werner and his wife Charlotte sit together. They conclude that Charlotte enjoyed it (although she wasn't present), and that they have to work on their technique.

DE1980

Synopsis: At an inn, two innocuous girls turn out to be the long-wanted poachers.

In a pub, landlord Gero shags waitress Petra while two female guests (Marty and Elke) are waiting to get their orders in. The girls remark that they will be going to the forest afterwards. When service resumes, the girls have a rum-and-coke, and then a detective, dubbed "Sherlock Holmes", arrives; he flirts with them, but is instructed by Gero to find the poacher.

We soon see him in the forest arresting two hooded men poaching for boar. Back at the pub, they're revealed to be the female guests in costume. They get undressed, retire to the bedroom and get frisky with each other; of course, the detective joins them and a threesome ensues, and later Gero and Petra join the orgy.

Just below 18 minutes running time.

Production company: Onyx Film