Cinder Rose

These little domestic things are my favourite

Does anyone else get the "tiny person in a dollhouse world" thing?

I just really like this simple little phrasing.

I am SALIVATING omg it's all about the mess

This is one of my favourite things about the slutboy/goodboy dynamic. Yeah, Bojan has been with considerably more partners than Jere but that doesn't mean he's more experienced. Because Jere has had a level of trust to be able to explore so much more with his partner's than Bojan has. So even though Bojan is a whore, there's still SO much that Jere can teach him about sex and about himself

I always wondered.

theyre adorable

Still believe Huhhahhei was a BoJere song.

They love fucking each other. They fucking love each other.

🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵

I love this. The Eurovision bubble is wonderful but it's not real. He wants something real.

Eep.

I always like to have a little something going on in the background of interesting dialogue. Thought this was very very sweet.

Oooh Bojan 😭😭😭

Jere loves feeling like a bitch

I really really wanted Bojan to bottom at some point in this fic. But the characters are in charge of the plot, not me, and Bojan needed more time.

I'm so in love with both of them

This was so hard to write.

Guys. GUYS. 😭😭😭😭😭😭

Things about anal sex that we don't write about about haha

Well, fuck.

And

That's the end.

That's as far as we got.

He already knows he wants to give his jersey to his new man!

🥰🥰🥰🥰

😭😭😭😭😭

Band in law! They still are

it was at this point I realised I had no idea how the run-up to the final worked and where all of our beloved clips and lives and photos came from! So I just made it up as I went in a way that suited the fic.

This was such an incredible time. No wonder we were obsessed

Do they see it themselves? Like we see it on them?

Remember in chapter two when Jere was thinking someone like Bojan would never be interested in him because of this description of himself, and how he didn't even care to find out what Bojan was like?

I've really loved writing how different all the cities were that they visited. I went to Liverpool a few times in the last couple of years but can't remember if it was before or after writing these chapters? Yes I did drag my other half around the stadium while I tried to imagine the atmosphere and picture where the sauna bus had been parked.

Secretly drawing shapes on his thigh 😭😭 it's the little things...

What I wouldn't give to have been a fly on the wall in these hotel rooms!!

Hooray!!

*evil author laughter*

This is so cosy. I think about silent, secret cuddles in hotel rooms a lot. Also, I never did decide which of the boys it is who snores

Hell yeah, structure fun!! It took me ages to come up with the eighteen day countdown thing but it works so well

Isn't there a German word for only ever coming up with good arguments after the facts and never in the heat of the moment?

You could say... he's stuck on you like a tattoo-o-ooo

I love this sweet little idea so much

this is exactly how Bojan:s brain works!

Yes it's about him learning Cha Cha Cha. But it's also some foreshadowing for a very sweet moment.

They are adorable 🥰🥰 and yes I was very proud of that joke

Ice rink slushies, my beloved.

My boyfriend did this to me once (we watched Samurai Jack not rick n Morty but you know. It was awful)

This has also happened to me. Yes it was worth it.

🤣🤣🤣🤣 this might be one of the funniest things I've ever written

Of course they have a playlist together! What I wouldn't give to be able to listen to it...

"single yet?" What a charmer! (Yeah I don't know if Patrik and Bojan ever exchanged numbers but shh)

You know why this conversation had to happen. Yes, we pity Bojan's positions and we love his and martins relationship. But this conversation would have seriously come back to bite Bojan in the ass.

Oh yeah, I DID write about Gregor hooking the boys up with their drugs...

the hand on his shoulder holding him back was Kris's. I can't imagine real Bojan ever getting in a fight (intentionally, at least) but maybe fix Bojan could.

He is pining! He is yearning!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

THEY COULD MAKE IT WORK

Oh fuck why didn't I write out the phonesex as it's own sex? Dammit!

Was I going to do something with the sauna bus? I don't remember...

🥺🥺

Bojan is having a hard time. Aside from needing some air, we haven't really seen him blow up yet, or have real panic attacks. So here is a taste. Just so it wouldn't have come out of nowhere in chapter 22.

Kinda cliché but I couldn't resist!

I love that they're talking about this! And we see how Bojan is just internally homophobic and vulnerable. How could anyone feel vulnerable around Jere? The sweetest

😭😭😭😭😭😭 do you remember that interview? Oh, my heart...

Heheheh

This was originally just going to be a Pina colada joke. But... bojan has never had a bottle before 🥺🥺 now he has a bottle because he is a boyfriend! He's growing up and being vulnerable and committed! And his friends love him so much!

Jere sends a tea emoji every time he makes himself a cup. And Bojan replies with a kiss because he needs to give him the other half of his sugar somehow, even if they're long distance

Carrying Bojan's warmth with him. I bet he is. Some of it is dribbling out.

This argument breaks my heart. Mikke was so excited to share this journey with his brother and now (in mikke's mind) Jere is just throwing that away

This industry, or love. Not both.

Oh Matti I love you. This is exactly what Jere needs. We need a balance of passion and friction and relief.

There's a David Gray song (i forget which one) which features the lyric "half a mind to scream out loud, half a mind to die" and I had those lyrics painting on my wall at uni for a while. Not sure if I was thinking about that song when I wrote this.

WHEN he fell 🥺🥺 poor Jere.

Also, this is a tactic I use with my sad friends a lot. a) there's really nothing wrong, b) there's something wrong and we should talk about it or c) there's something wrong and they can't talk about it. Or if I'm on the sad end, just because I don't wanna talk about it doesn't mean I don't wanna be asked.

FUCK the tension in these short little scenes. Please be okay Bojan, please don't do anything stupid (smack him, smack him)

Thought these lyric snippets were kinda silly when Bojan did it in Ljubljana but I actually really love it here. Why is it that when youre hurting, your Spotify shuffle seems to know exactly how to make it worse?

Me too, Bojan, jeez. This moment makes me think of Bojan going missing after the final and Jan making nods down at his Käärijä shirt when he wasn't allowed to say it out loud!

Yes I looked up what the smoking situation was in Ljubljana airport for this scene

We don't talk about PrEP enough in mlm fics. Also... I totally made the right choice in who would be Bojan's clinic buddy, right? Jan has his own adventures going on for sure.

🤣🤣😎😎

Love the band support so much here.

Gregor has him on his own 😢 where his boys can't protect him

"His name is JERE" - Bojan, constantly.

This is so much more sinister than Gregor asking him to break it off. Of course Bojan is unprepared. This sours everything.

I'm not a One Direction person but isn't there a clip somewhere of Louis telling his manager "unfortunately, I AM gay! Inconvenient, isn't it?!"

As someone who regularly dreams of getting in fist fights where my punches won't land, this gives me emotions.

This is true! So I spent ages trying to decide whether the sex scene should be Jere's or Bojans POV. Settled in Jeres and stand by my choice, but I NEEDED to find a way to look into what Bojan thought of the whole thing. So we went back to an old favourite: fucking about with chronology! So we get all of Bojans moments as his memories of 'the night before' which - as it turns out - is a perfect balance to the first chapter of this fic.

We've all had moments like this after major life events, right? You wake up not knowing if things are very good or very bad, your body knows something is very important.

Bojan 😭😭😭😭😭 (also I never see sachets of lube mentioned in fics, it's always bottles.)

Didn't he write a song about this feeling recently 🤔

Not this time, my darlings. But SOON

Puppy

Jere could have left as many hickeys as he wanted on bojans chest and no one would know! This made sense when I wrote it, it reads kinda clumsily now

Does this make sense? That Jere is asking Bojan to give him a love bite somewhere secret? It made sense at the time

i wanna make him squirm

love this little masochist

love this moment. One little hickey can mean so much. Mine. Mine mine mine mine mine. Also, I almost referred to Eljas by his name before I realised that Bojan wouldn't know it.

🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

Chill out Bojan, no one is taking him from you

Forgot about this paragraph! (See also: Fragility.)

Kris was making this face

Can you believe we almost didn't get this scene?!

Yeah boy! Be proud!

I think the carpet burns were worth it

I've used "the space between his lungs" as a fic title before, referencing the absence of a heart. It comes from a mishearing of Half Way by Cardinal Black which actually says "I will never be anything more than the space between your lines" but I misheard it as lungs and really liked the imagery.

Hehehehe

💖💖💖💖💖💖

What his laughter feels like from the inside 🥵🔥

And yes I'm picturing the "more wine sir?" face from tavastia

And they lived happily ever after making this joke for seventy years the end

I'll just slap myself in the face for this I guess.

Bojan 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

😭😭😭😭😭😭

Ahahahaha. You know when you've been working too hard and then you have an experience that reminds you what being alive is supposed to be like? That's what I was going for.

😏😏

You don't want to know how long I spent deciding what scent of cleaning products the housekeeping staff at this hotel should use. I was going for the gay connotation. This is why writing takes so long.

Bojan always taking care of his bottoms! And I was so proud of this stupid language joke.

I had this mental image in my head for ages before being able to write it

Aww I'd forgotten about this part 😍😍

He would learn his last name if they ever married 🤣🤣🤣 for real though, this is my favourite part of slow-burn-emotion-fast-burn-sex fics.

Little pauses in between the heat... I dunno, of course it's a fantasy but I do like smut to feel real like this. It's not all passion and intensity and being desperate to cum, it's these little moments of catching your breath and appreciating where you are. I love this

Fuck you guys, feet are sexy

Also never seen this in smut (maybe I just don't read enough). It's the intimacy of it that's hot.

He doesn't say that to all the boys, Jere! You're special! He loves you!

🥵🥵🥵

I wrestled with this for a while. I personally hate condoms and much prefer to ignore them in fic. But... a part of me was still concerned about writing responsible sex for a young fandom (obv this was not an issue by the time kinktober rolled around). But mostly, it gives them room to grow! They needed condoms here so that they can NOT use them later and have it mean something important.

MORE. APPRECIATION. FOR. THE. SKIN. UNDERNEATH. BALLS.

Does anyone else need this? Closeness so you can cum with him in your arms instead of between your legs?

I WISH I could remember which fic it was that I first read "his pleasure" being used as a euphemism for cum but now I use it all the time.

and a million miles from after fucking Eljas. Also - orgasm does not mean the end of sex! We just need a little recovery time in between haha there is always so much focus on an orgasm as the climax of sex but we're just playing!

It's not like that time in the park at all.

I don't even know if this word makes sense in this context, but I thought it was cute. Also, dicks do not have to be hard all the time. He's still feeling good.

The whole "working your way up to three fingers before using cock" thing is actually one of my pet peeves in smut. Maybe I've been doing it wrong, but that is not how I do anal at all.

Achievement unlocked: used the word "squelched" in smut

Just a little headcannon I have.

This is so cliche. It reads well but it's so overdone I'd probably take it out if I rewrote this.

As if there was any way these boys could make it through sex without making terrible jokes and falling apart laughing

There has never been a more "BoJere" line written in the history of fic.

He wants to be marked! MARK HIM

Oh my, is it hot in here 🥵

Aww Bojan wants them to come together

Jere still doesn't know if this will ever happen again 🥺🥺

Omg it's the sad wank scene!! I can see it so much more clearly now!!

No drugs Jan, his pupils are blown from lust! Also, I'm not sure if it ever came up in the fic but I always figured Gregor's rule would be that the boys aren't allowed any drugs that he hasn't directly supplied to them.

Kris just wants him to find love

You can't tell me this isn't exactly where the Demoni scream came from

SMACK HIM

Sometimes smut takes five thousand words and sometimes one sentence is enough 😍😍

I suspect this is less true irl than I imagined I might be. But I'm a sucker for friction and it fits the fic.

this is 100% a thing in my job. It's gotta be the same for JO. And the energy that Bojan has when he's in the zone

what is this strange feeling, Bojan? What could it possibly be?

Can you tell I really struggled making the fic fit around a realistic timeline? Had fun watching the Welcome to the Backstage though

Matti is the biggest BoJere shipper of us all!

Hehehe 🥰

😍😭😍😭😍😭

Forgot how much fun I had writing this

Who else has played this game with someone they're trying not to fuck?

Matti 🤣🤣🤣🤣

Forget the fic for a mo, wasn't ESC class of 2023 fucking awesome? Miiight have to listen to every single song today

I'm as frustrated reading this as Bojan must have been from having to be a contestant instead of giving it all up to fuck Jere 24/7

I wanted to write these moments out in full so bad

Bojan has never liked someone more than they like him 🤣😭

I forgot about this!! 🥵🥵🥵

YEEEEES Bojan get your man

I love fucking about with chronology in short fics and am never usually brave enough to do it in long fics. But it works so well here!

My nephew was going through a dinosaur phase when I wrote this (he still kinda is, I encourage it. Dinosaurs are cool.)

What is Käärijä if not a chaotic smudge for Jere to hide behind?

This is too much for me, two years on and I knew exactly what was coming and it still breaks me. I'm not at all sorry I did this to you. Fuck, Jere, I need to hug you.

Pretty. Yes I will describe a sky as "bruised" wherever possible.

Describing their friendship as unhealthy is strictly a fic thing, you understand. I just needed to make the point that all was not right, that it isn't what it seems, that it can't go on as it is. That's obvious, right?

Little siblings get it. Doesn't matter how old you are, you never stop needing that approval.

I had to rewrite this a few times so it didn't sound forced, but we had to meet Bojan's blazer early on so can Jere can seamlessly wear it later

Remember how Bojan thinks everyone only ever sees him as pretty, and lucky? That no one ever realises there's more too him that that, and how hard he works to be where he is?

Don't ruin our dreams, mikke 🥺🥺

Awkward.

I'd been waiting the ENTIRE FIC to make this joke

🎶you've got a fast car

Is it fast enough that we can fly away?🎶

Baby boy needs to be taken care of

Tipsy emotions are the most fun to write

If I'd finished the fic, this would have been important foreshadowing.

This entire exchange!!! 💖💖💖💖

YEAH fuck you mikke

I'm basically just screenshotting the entire chapter at this point. YES they had to get caught in the rain, it was a narrative necessity! No it's not too cliche, I needed it. And how so much actually happens in these scenes that I had to use little speed-running phrases to keep the flow of the pacing.

If he'd finished the fic he would have.

YEEEEEEEES 😍😍😍😍😍😍💚❤️💚❤️

Also please listen to Legacy by Cadillac Three which heavy influenced the vibe.

No songs, no competitions. Only the Bojan.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuck this is so perfect after Bojan feeling distant from him because of the language barrier in the last episode!

If I'd finished the fic, there would have been more of this. Jere saying things he wouldn't be brave enough to say in English. Except Bojan has been learning a little Finnish and can pick up a few key words.

"wait, what did you just say?"

"NOTHING"

I can't cope. Fuck.

Guys why did you ever read this? This is brutal I am dying wtf

And of course, this is the chapter that introduced me to the magnificent @lumea-art!! The first time I'd ever had art done of a fanfic, this was INSANE

You're damned right I looked up what the weather was like that day.

Also, I'd forgotten how much effort timescaling this fic took! Trying to fit everything I wanted to say around the pre-party and final schedules! Don't miss that at all.

All the Google mapping was pretty sweet though. One of the interesting things about rpf has been trying to write about real places I've never been to, instead of fictional places that I can just make up however suits the story.

Little did I know there was a pianist in their midst!

Yes, Bojan's "texting Jere" face features in all of my fics.

Oh that? It's nothing, certainly nothing intentional. Oh I guess Jere could sit there if we wants, no biggie

I don't know why I thought this would be funny or interesting? Or why I didn't have Kris say it?

He grows to love Guinness, of course! I had so much fun writing Wild Youth

That fizzy feeling 🥰🥰

Slovenia's favourite son-in-law by day, slut by night.

Loved making this point. I wonder how this really was for them.

So many opportunities for language puns

The softness between them 💖💖💖💖💖

I almost had Bojan read Eljas' dirty messages until I remembers it would have been in a language he didn't speak!

He thinks he'll never be as close to Jere as other men because of the language barrier 😢😢

He wants Jere all to himself, not just from their band and teams but from anyone else who might want to be with him. Feeling a little monogamous for a change there, bojan

I don't know what it is about this cute little paint detail that I love so much

Poor serious, suffering Bojan.

This whole section 🤣🤣 can you really imagine them arguing for any length of time without it falling back into wrestling and giggles and love?

Anyone would think there might be some plot about to happen... (Any excuse for a secret relationship fic and dreaming a Joker Out cover of Scotty Doesn't Know)

I made this up on the spot at the time and it smacked me so hard in the face that I had to take a writing break. Hiding and faking, just another form of people pleasing. Made me re-evaluate myself.

You guys remember the whole 'falling in love' vs 'getting pushed into love' thing right? Love these paragraphs

The hopelessness 😭😭 the yearning 😭😭

They are dreaming of a better life together 💖💖

Oh, baby boy - it's all gonna make sense some day...

🥲🥲🥲

I was so proud of this metaphor at the time haha

More Mikke foreshadowing...

Nothing left to ruin. I just love going back to writing about shitty exes.

Can't imagine Bojan ever being so ungentlemanly irl, but fuck it's funny

I always try to describe characters not as how they look, but how it feels like to look at them. We have no idea what colour his hair or eyes are or what he's wearing - but we know that he is a three-dimensional person with a life and a history and that something has changed inside Bojan.

Sometimes OCs we'll never see again are the wisest of all.

Because in about twenty minutes he'll be arriving deep inside- *gunshots*

Again, not what he looks like but how it feels to look at him. And a nod to his own history.

Ditto when describing music, I'll very early state a song or a band (because any song will mean different things to different readers) but the general vibe, how it feels to listen to it.

When did this commentary turn into a writing lecture, dang

Oh ok, yeah ignore what I just said above about not naming songs or bands!! Haha. Oops. I think the important thing to take from this is that Bojan is a lyricist who relates to other lyricists and feels every word in a song. And nothing to do with me having my playlists on in the car, thinking about which songs Bojan might like.

Hi, me again.

Not sure if this is cheesy as hell or if I'm a literary genius.

Just TWIST THE KNIFE INTO OUR HEARTS

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

*shakes fist* fucking LOVE this metaphor

😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Nah, I'm certain this will never be an issue.

What, indeed?

PELIA

Before I had any idea what Bojans living situation was, or who Ruby belonged to! Don't regret giving Bojan a (sausage!) dog for fic purposes though, she works great here. Would I have had Bojan living with Martin, or with Kris? Probably not.

The horror of trying to write a songwriter's process when I am not in any way lyrical (I secretly couldn't wait for the new album to come out so that I could see if any of the themes were similar)

Just spat out my tea I totally forgot about this joke 🤣🤣

I don't know if buča is actually used as a term of endearment in Slovenia but I think it's sweet

Who do you miss, Bojan? Who do you miss?

Oh shit, Fragility ptsd.

"the muses" is just Jere in a wig and a toga

I presume song writing is similar to fic writing.

Their friendship ❤️❤️ Kris knowing Bojan is being vulnerable and giving him an out so he feels safe.

This was also before I knew Kris also dabbles in lyrics.

My favourite thing about hockey!

😏😏

Setting Mikke up to be A Problem© but it comes from a place of love

Spent ages trying to find a setting for these events. But a two minute Google about the castle events and I just filled in the blanks with my own experiences! I think the fair works.

Obviously Anika is just an OC. I think Martin actually left to study? But it made more sense for the themes of the fic to have him leave to pursue a relationship.

Does anyone know if Bojan does like candyfloss? I can imagine him appreciating a sweet treat every now and then. Also, I'm very in to Yungblud now and would absolutely have stolen some lyrics from Cotton Candy if I'd known the song back then.

🎶her name was Julija

She couldn't get enough of me, I couldn't get rid of her🎶

He's trying so hard not to be obsessive or come on too strong. Little does he knows in just a few months time, they will talk, a lot

Bojan rarely queer-flagging... aside from all the times he's literally wearing pride flags