CillsProperTea

    Marie asked me again and again that, if something had happened between the two of us, no matter how many times I lied to her that it hadn’t. I could not recognize or remember buying any of the cloths which were ‘apparently’ mine. Cillian was definitely upset, and he had all the right to be. He wanted me to choose him. Choose ‘us’. Before coming here I was pretty sure that I had made the right decision but now I wasn’t so sure. I wanted to run to him and assure him that I’ll be back but who am I kidding! I am such a mental mess right now, and giving him false hope would be truly cruel. Maybe this was a good thing, like ripping off a sticky bandage from a hairy arm. Okay, that was not the best kind of example to be used to explain your damaged-almost-done relationship. I just wanted to roll into a ball and cry myself to more sleep. But I didn’t. Instead I continued packing the non-formal cloths I was able to find in the closet into the two suitcases. During the said packing, I came across a not so small drawer which had a good amount of neatly piled undergarments. And I’m talking about the really erotic kind, the thought of me wearing them in front of Cillian made me blush. It took me back to a conversation I had had with my friend a long time ago…

“Never will I ever be in love with someone so much that I would wear stuff like this to please him. Look at it! It looks like a torturing device!” I winced holding up a purple thong Monica had put in her basket from the lingerie aisle. “It’s not painful! Just a bit technical really.” She shrugged making me roll my eyes. “Does Timothy actually like this? Like it turns him on?” I smiled, teasingly. I had been in relationships but quite early on I had sub-consciously decided not to have too high hopes for the future. The idea of marriage repelled me. Just thinking of tying myself to one person for a lifetime made me feel suffocated. So I had had many one night stands and a week or two long relationships but never had I been serious enough with someone to think of marriage. Timothy and Monica, on the other hand, had been dating, off and on, since high school. But every breakup seemed to sort of make their relationship stronger. “Oh yeah! You have no idea Y/N. It is sort of like a game. He has some really favorite ones which I use as a weapon when we are fighting…” She looked up and smiled at my scrunched up face. “You know it’s actually cool. Being in a relationship. Knowing you have someone dependable on your back. Who loves you and takes care of you…” I shook my head, “Please Monica! You know I’m a lone-ranger. Plus, it’s not just about depending on someone. That other person starts depending on you too! They start having these expectations too! Don’t you feel burdened when Timothy expects you to cook every day for him even though you both work?” I said eying a box of 6 black cotton panties. Monica rolled her eyes, “But that is the beauty of it Y/N! I cook for him every day and yes, It is a responsibility which sometimes becomes a nuisance but I know that when I get sick or something, he would be there to take care of me. He would make that horrible 2-minute ramen noodle soup he’s so proud of, which tastes like shit really, he just adds extra water to make it ‘soupy’ but the effort always makes my heart swell…” She is lost in her thoughts. “Unlike when you get sick. You have to beg your sister or your friends to help you out. Or the other option, which is so much more like you, you simply suffer alone." That stung. But I shrugged it off as we walked towards the billing counter. Because it was true. I did that when I got sick. I hated depending on someone. It just wasn’t in my nature.

    So what had changed now? How did my mind change so much that I did not only manage to get into a long-term relationship but also get married in the same danm year? I came back to the present when someone softly knocked on the door. Turning back, I saw Grace leaning in and frowning at the sheer garment I held in my hands, which I shoved back roughly into the drawer as fast as I could, blushing.

“Um, Mrs. Murphy… Mr. Murphy just wanted me to inform you that his family is on their way to meet you.”

    “Calm down Y/N.” she reasoned.

    “What?” I said, confused. Marie nodded and told Grace that we’ll be downstairs in a few moments while I mentally freaked out. “What the fuck am I going to say to them Marie?”

    “Calm down? You’re asking me to calm down? Marie! I can’t face them. I just cannot face them!” I said absolutely losing my mind. I did not know them, at all! Had Cillian told them about me leaving? Had he told them about his ultimatum? Had he told them that I was still leaving? If he had then they must hate me, for sure. They were the ones who saw their son live a miserable and tortures life as I was in the coma for two fucking years! And now, if they have gotten to know that I’m leaving their son, after he waited for me for two whole years… God I feel so bad now.

    “They are just coming to meet you Y/N. stop overthinking for once will ya?” Marie held my shoulders firmly as I realized I had been saying all of that aloud, shit! “Besides…” oh boy, here we go, “If you feel that bad for leaving him then don’t!” I rolled my eyes. “He deserves a chance Y/N…” I decided to walk out of there then and clean myself up a bit.

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I could hear people talking in the living room. I walked with my stick on wobbly legs. I had changed into a purple T-shirt but still wore the same jeans I had come in with. Grace had knocked a few minutes after I had changed and handed me a small velvet box saying Cillian wanted me to wear it “… just for tonight…” Opening it, I found a wedding ring and an engagement ring nestled in it. Without letting me overthink anything, I just took them out and wore them. They were gorgeous, especially the engagement ring. The wedding band was plain and simple but it perfectly complemented the engagement ring which had a big white stone in the middle.

“… I just simply don’t know what to say son…” I could hear an elderly male voice talking. “I have to admit, never in a million years I would have believed this story if someone had told me it was true. But here we are!” he continued.

“And on top of that she wants to leave. I mean what the hell!?” another male with a younger voice and a thicker Irish accent said.

    “Why are you all hating on her like that, eh? I told you, she’s just leaving for a little while. The doctor said it’s good for her. Going back might help with the psychological healing…” finally Cillian spoke. ‘hate, hate, hate , hate’ my head was echoing with this word when an elderly female voice interrupted, “Stop it all of you. Rather than supporting him you are all giving him more stress.”

  Oh wow! So I was right. They all did hate me. Taking a deep breath, I decided to stop eavesdropping and enter before I heard something I could not handle. As soon as I entered the conversation halted. They all stood up and stared at me as if they had just seen a ghost.

  The first thing I noticed were the eyes. They all had eyes just like Cillian’s. Different shades of blue. His mothers were most similar to his. They all looked like they were pulled out of a T.V show. What a gene pool!

The silence stretched like the highway. 

‘Fuck! Y/N! Say something!’ 

“Hi… I am Y/N?” I squeaked and mentally face-palmed myself. ‘

They know you dumbass. You are the one with the faulty brain not them!’ 

I could feel a drop of sweat rolling down my back. My mouth moved but no words were coming out. 

‘Oh my! How awkward and cringe can this get…’ 

“Hey.” All of them said in sync. My palms were sweaty as I mentally decided to just excuse myself and leave. But then I felt a hand slide into mine. “Yeah, this is Y/N.” Cillian stood next to me as I mentally sighed with relief. “This is Eleanor, my mother. That’s Mathew, my Dad and that’s Paidi, my younger brother.” He introduced.

His intro didn’t only relax me but also brought the whole room on the same page. Of course they hadn’t thought this meeting through. In their heads they had already met me, had dinners with me, and been on the wedding. ‘God! How am I going to make this work and not look like a lunatic?’ I rubbed my temple but just then Cillian’s thumb started moving in circular motions under mine, reassuringly. “So, as I did tell you all, apparently Y/N over here hit her head a little too hard during the accident…” this made everyone chuckle. “…But it’s all good because she is fine. She can talk, walk and do everything else about which we should be grateful for.”  And just like that, my worries vanished. What was I freaking out about when he was right here? I looked at him from the corner of my eye, so did he and through our eyes we decided that we would do this together. That this needed to be done together, as a couple.

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    After that it was smooth sailing. Cillian’s family and me got acquainted, and in my case, re-acquainted. They talked about the wedding and how Paidi’s wife and kids couldn’t be here as she was not in the city. Marie joined us too and so did Mom. Cillian had asked his driver to pick her up from the hotel for the ‘last dinner together’. The farewell dinner. That was what it was. It was internally hurting my heart but I kept all the confusion hidden inside.

   Grace announced that dinner was ready and asked us to move towards the dining table. The conversation flowed effortlessly but I just listened. It was so strange having strangers talk about their memories with you of which you had no recollection off. But still it was… interesting.

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Everyone was saying goodbyes in the living room as Marie and I helped Grace put the dishes in the trolley. I felt a soft tap on my shoulder and when I turned I found Eleanor behind me. “Can I talk to you dear? In private?” She smiled looking between me and Marie. “Of course…” Marie replied before I could and left, so did Grace. We both sat down on the dining table chairs. “Is everything okay?” I asked impatiently. “Well, I wanted to ask the same thing. Is everything okay between the two of you? Really?” my heart sped up. “I don’t understand Eleanor. Did I say something wrong or…” I mumbled. As far as I could remember, Cillian and I were being completely oblivious. We looked like a perfect couple really. Maybe that was what gave us away. We looked too perfect. “Oh no love. I…” she looked at her lap and then back up again, “This is just a concerned mother needing some assurance.” I sighed inwardly and whispered, “I see.” She moved her hands and clasped mine between them. “I just want to make sure you know what you are doing.” I must have looked puzzled so she continued, “I have seen Cillian when you were in the hospital. The way he was dying from the inside every single time his eyes fell on your lifeless body. And near the end, when I last visited him, I observed a change too. I felt like he had accepted the fact that you were never coming back. He was numb. But somehow I was feeling relieved to see a change in him. To know that he wasn’t just stuck. But now here we are…” The last part sounded enthusiastic but I got a feeling it wasn’t. “He is back to his old self again. And so is his hope. He believes he can make this work. That you both can make it work. And for his sake I wanted to put in a request to you. To give him a chance. Because if you don’t, if you break him one more time… I’m afraid that I’ll lose my son.” Her eyes were full of tears and I didn’t realize before that moment but, mine were too. I didn’t know how to respond to that. How do I deal with this? She looked at me, waiting. “I’ll do my best Eleanor.” I said. This seemed to be the answer she was looking for as she sniffled and dried her unshed tears. “Hey what are you guys doing here?” Cillian said entering and looking between the two of us. “Mum? What happened?” he looked concerned after observing her red, teary eyes. “Oh nothing. We were just discussing the old times.” She got up and made Cillian sit in her seat “Just give me a minute.” She said before vanishing into the bathroom. Cillian sat with a hand in his lap and looked at me. “Are you all packed up?” All the affection and love we were faking in front of everyone gone from his eyes. Gone or hiding. “Yes.” I mumbled. “Good.” He nodded to himself and walked out.

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After Cillian’s family left I suggested we leave for the hotel too but Marie said it would be much more convenient if we left for the airport from here. Cillian’s cars would help with the luggage and all. But somehow I found this reason to be a tad made up. She directed the driver to get Mum and hers, already packed bags from the hotel. So, that was that.

     I felt really tired and it was pretty late too. We would only be getting a few hours of sleep as we had an early morning flight. Going into the guest bedroom where, Marie had settled in with the help of Grace, I walked in and opened my small medicine pouch from the nightstand only to find out that the water pitcher was empty. I looked sideways and sighed at my stick thinking of the stairway I would be stomping it down on.  

 Plus the idea of running into Cillian on my way worried me. ‘Oh no…’ Well, don’t get me wrong, I knew Cillian wasn’t a monster who would attack me as soon as he saw me. But I was actually worried for him. The whole evening I had been able to observe how even looking at me made him flinch. I did not want to cause him more pain by hinting at something, which I very much wanted to do at this late hour of the night, but knew that it wouldn’t be right.  

    But I had to have my medicine. Getting out of the room, I found Grace heading up to her room for the night. She turned when I called her name, “Yes Mrs. Murphy? Can I get you something?” I swear this woman called me that out of vengeance. “Yeah, um… no its fine. Surely you were going to your room to call it a day…” her old face genuinely looked tired, but she smiled, “Oh no Ma’am. It’s fine.” I nodded. “I was just going to get a glass of water. I just didn’t want to disturb Cillian” wow! That sounded way stupider than it sounded in my head. If she did not hate me before she would definitely hate me now. “I can get it for you…” She immediately turned and started walking downwards, “Oh no, I will get it myself.” She insisted still but then gave up when I refused every time. “Just to let you know, he isn’t at home right now. He went for a run just before I came up.” She added. “A run? At this hour?” “Oh he does that sometimes. To clear his head when something is bothering him.” ‘You’ it seemed she was not mouthing but thinking. “Oh. Yeah okay than…” I trailed of awkwardly before heading towards the kitchen.

    I went down slowly and got myself the water. But when I turned, I somehow found myself staring back at me from the kitchen door.

   “I just need to put this away first.” I was carrying two large paper bags filled with what looked like groceries. Cillian entered right behind me wearing a beanie and a muffler. “Fuck! I am freezing!” he said removing his gloves and coat after his beanie. He hung his coat behind the door and walked behind me in the kitchen, gingerly wrapping his arms around my torso. “We can put these away later you know…” He said suggestively, kissing my neck while I wiggled and tried to focus on the spaghetti packs I held from the bags. “Cillian!” I whined trying to get out of his hold but then he turned me to face him. “I need you…” He said nudging his nose with mine. In that moment I looked like I was under a spell. I abandoned the spaghetti packs without even looking at them and put my lips to his as he tried to steer us towards the bedroom without breaking the kiss, making us both giggle.

   ‘What the hell was that? Was that a memory?’ I put the glass of water on the counter trying to catch my heaving breath. I placed my hands on the counter, bracing myself. My stick fell down on the floor, ‘great!’ I was feeling dizzy and confused and lightheaded. Just then Cillian entered freaking me out more, “Fuck!” I exclaimed as my sudden movement caused the glass of water on the counter to fall down. Cillian looked startled as well as he put his hands up, “Don’t move. He came forward and offered me his hand as he noticed my fallen stick. I took his hand as he guided me away from the broken glass. Still dizzy, I swayed a bit when he placed his arms around me. “God! What happened? You’re sweating so much!” I looked up at him. His eyes were full of concern, “I… I don’t know…” I mumbled taking in appearance. He was in his shorts and t-shirt. Sweating from head to toe. My mouth went dry. “I came down to get some water but then… I … just saw something. I… I think it was a memory.” He frowned at that but didn’t let go. “What did you see?” He asked still holding me close. I told him what I saw, omitting the sexy bits. But I think my blushing and looking everywhere gave it away. He asked what we were wearing and then when I told him he said, “That was our first grocery shopping after we moved in together.” He answered. His smirk told me that he knew ‘exactly’ which details I had omitted.

    I wanted to kiss him. And it would have been so easy. We were standing so close to each other. His lips were only a few breaths away. “Come on, let’s get you to bed.” He said. All previous humor gone from before. Even his touch felt cold if that was possible.

    He helped me to my room with one hand around me and the other carrying a glass of water. Then without a glance back, he went away.  

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    Thomas walked out of the house ready to get in the car while Robert kept the luggage in its trunk. The journey would take him two days but he was hopeful it would be worth it. The Russians had been nagging him for quite some time. With his recently broken ties with Alfie and Sabini he needed all the allies he could get. They were a powerful bunch, powerful but a little cuckoo in the head. But he would find a way, as he always did. Apparently, the sapphire had been a mistake, as they were unaware of its curse. A mistake he had not forgiven them for. The issue had simply been dusted under the carpet, for now. Until the right time.

    Only Tatiana had known but she wanted it to cause problems to her aunt and uncle. She wasn’t aware that it was to be gifted to him. She’d answered that while being choked by Thomas’s leather gloved hands, so Thomas had believed her. He was going there to give them a second chance.

   While he waited for Robert to finish up setting the luggage he caught the sight of a lone tea cup on the bench in the lawn. Memories from last night rushed in as his lips turned up into a smile. He shook his head. He was in love, once again it seemed. The feeling was heavy and soft at the same time. He’d left her sleeping, with a kiss on the forehead as she still had a few hours before she had to wake up. In came one of his other cars through the drive-way, the one reserved for the office. The door opened as Lizzie, his PA, came out of it. “Thank god I caught you!” she said breathing heavily. Thomas would have believed she had ran the whole way to his home if he hadn’t seen her getting off of his car himself. “You forgot these at the office.” She handed him a file. Holding it in his hands, he opened it. “What would you do without me Tommy dear?” she said sliding a hand down the left side of his coat, smoothing some invisible lines. “This is the copy Lizzie, I have the original with me.” He snorted. She frowned, “Oh! Well…” She cocked her head to the side suggestively, “… I am here now, maybe we can have a coffee in your office while Robert here sets up the luggage eh?” Thomas calmly removed her hand which was still on his collar, “I am getting late Lizzie...” “Oh it’ll only take a few moments darling! I know all the right moves. I know what you like…” She whispered the last part into his ear. “Not today.” Thomas said stepping back, absolutely unfazed. Lizzie was growing frustrated. He’d never been this difficult. Especially after Grace. ‘It has to be the Gold girl Ada was telling me about… fuck!’ she thought sourly. When Robert was done Thomas moved to sit in the car, “Aren’t you going to leave?” He asked Lizzie. “Don’t look so worried love, I’ll leave right away! I won’t tell anything to your new plaything.” Anyone else would have gotten a warning but Lizzie was all words, Thomas knew. Plus he had used her several times in the past to please associates and rivals. Lizzie was important for the business. So he knew how to swallow his bitter words, sometimes, when he knew it was beneficial. She had been around the family for as long as he could remember. For some time, when things had gotten really bad for her, she’d gotten into prostitution. He did not judge her as he was no saint himself but their off and on fling had started when he’d returned from the war. Tainted and utterly broken, Lizzie had provided him the distraction he’d needed at that time. But then she’d fallen in love with him. He knew the signs. But unfortunately, he did not reciprocate those feelings at all. But he knew he had let on her feelings for selfish reasons and that guilt had made him offer her the position of his personal assistant to her. That and plus a business rival had shown interest in her. The truth was that Lizzie was reliable and useful. And Tommy used people whenever he needed to, unashamedly.

So, instead of saying something rude, he’d simply gotten out of his own car and opened the door to the car Lizzie had come in, waiting until she sat in, shaking her head and gritting her teeth at the same time. “Is she that fragile? Can’t even protect herself eh?” she teased to which Thomas simply rolled his eyes, ‘If only you knew what she’d done in the past to ‘protect’ herself…’ Thomas stopped himself from smiling. Lizzie did know though, she knew the stunt the ‘Golden girl’ had pulled, through Ada of course. That was her nickname in the office, ‘Thomas Shelby’s golden girl’. No wonder she had wrapped Thomas around her danm finger. “Good bye Lizzie.” Thomas had replied in a clipped way before asking the driver to go. Only after she’d left did he leave in his car. He wasn’t hiding anything from Esmeralda, he just wanted to tell her about this side of his life himself. Knowing Lizzie, she would have made sure to twist and turn the truth the way it suited her. Plus yeah, he felt like this relationship of his felt too sacred and sensitive right now. He would do everything to keep it as pure as it was. Even if it meant to keep things away from certain people.

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Esmeralda had woken up in a bed without Thomas, but on his pillow, she’d found a small, navy blue velvet box and a letter. Opening the box she’d gasped, it was a ring with the biggest diamond she’d ever seen and she’d seen a fair share of them in her lifetime as her father sometimes used precious stones as a currency when he dealt with people he did not trust. Opening the letter she read words in his rough but delicate writing,

Esmeralda,    

    “I am sorry that I can’t accompany you today love. But I want you to wear this when you go there. It will give me some peace of mind. It isn’t the best way to propose as well, I am aware, but if your answer is affirmative to the question of marriage, don’t take it off and I’ll know. I did not want you to feel pressured into saying yes, which you would have undoubtable felt, had I asked you in person. If I come back and find your hand without the ring, I assure you nothing will change between us. But at least consider the possibility. The wedding would be on the day of your choosing. It could be tomorrow or decades from today. This is a piece of me I want you to gain power from. Just remember that in its form, it’s me who’s with you, by your side, clasping your left hand. Just show them the queen that you are. They’ll be forced to bow and cower.

Love,

Thomas.”

Her hand skimmed over the shiny stone. The question was a heavy one. She did love him, there was no doubt about that. But both of them had a lot of baggage. His work was laced with unpredictability and danger. Whenever she’d pictured a perfect life, it was with a simple man with a simple job and life. She’d imagined herself making breakfast for him in the morning and saying him goodbye with a kiss on the lips before handing him a lunchbox. Money or power was never a part of her ideal man’s lifestyle. But Thomas had both and, to make things more complicated, ambition was part of the mix as well. Things were different now too. She, herself was different now. She’d discovered a part of herself that was a complete opposite of what she thought of herself. This new side of hers, it felt as if she had always been there, inside of her, but she never let that part of her out. She was scared of that inner self too. She’d killed people. It did not matter that it was always out of necessity but she was the kind of person who would carry that guilt with herself until her last breath.

    Did she want to tie herself to someone just now, when she’d found out there was so much to discover, about the world around her and inside of her? Getting out of the Gold territory had brought forth the possibility of living her life on her terms. Would tying herself to someone right now not bring her back to square zero? But the simple thought of living without Thomas or Charlie made her chest hurt. And saying no would hurt Thomas, a lot, she knew that. For someone like him, who had been through so much himself, going through war, creating this life out of nothing, falling in love and then losing that love, she could not ignore how much courage this must have required for him to pop the question. Probably why he did it this way as well, he was protecting himself as well as her.

   She rubbed her temple sighing heavily and decided to handle things as they came. First she needed to attend the funeral and get it over with. She took the ring out and put it on. It sparkled in the sunlight. She smiled, biting her lip. Suddenly, she felt something crawl at the nape of her neck. Her heart quickened as her eyes went wide. She looked towards the dresser where a shadow lurked. It seemed as if someone was peeking. She gradually stood up and walked towards it. It felt as if everything around her had gone still and slowed in motion. Just when she’d reached and was about to take a look the door opened and in walked Polly. “What are you doing still in your sleeping attire? Do you want to be late?” she was carrying a dress which she laid on the bed carefully. “What is all this?” Esmeralda asked, her heart still a bit erratic. “A dress and some accessories. You are my family now. We have to make an impression to…” she stopped talking as her eyes took in the ring on Esmeralda’s hand. “Are my eyes deceiving me? Or is that an engagement ring?” she walked slowly and held her hand to examine it closely. “It is an engagement ring. But I haven’t said yes or no yet.” Polly frowned, “Well, Thomas wanted me to wear it to the funeral…” “He knows what type of people the Gold’s are. He marked his property.” She cocked a brow. “That’s the thing Polly, I don’t like this idea, of belonging to someone like, like, their danm property!” Esmeralda rubbed her eyes. Polly moved towards her, “That’s just an idea he wants plastered in their minds. He knows what you are girl! He knows he can never trap you or enslave you.” Esmeralda shook her head smiling, “Trust me. He just wants to be there. I’ve seen him around women, especially when he wants something out of them. He’s different with you. And if he ever goes out of line, Look at me…” Polly ordered suddenly, so she did, “You come to me. I’ll make sure he knows your piece of mind!” She nodded, “Never feel alone alright? I’m here, always!” Esmeralda wrapped her arms around her and out of nowhere her shoulders started to shake as she sobbed in Polly’s embrace. Polly, simply smiled and knew exactly why she was crying. She simply rubbed her back, “C’mon now, we don’t want to be late now do we? Let’s get you ready eh?” with that she called Frances and asked her to bring their breakfast in Thomas’s room.

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      It had been a week since the funeral. Thomas was to return today and saying that Esmeralda was nervous was an understatement. She had missed him, a lot. His face, his voice. Just his presence made her feel, loved. But she was a bit confused too. She kept on twiddling her ring. The truth was that she was not okay. The way everyone’s stance had changed the moment they had seen Thomas’s ring on her finger was making her feel unsettled.

    Finally, when she had gathered herself enough to feel like a person, to have her own identity, all these people had once again managed to make her feel like nothing. The truth was that she was still nothing. Everyone treated her differently because she was with Thomas now. Her own worth was still nothing.

   In this case, wouldn’t marrying Thomas Shelby just lock her in this phase forever? Wouldn’t she stay ‘Thomas Shelby’s bitch’ for as long as she lived? ‘Fuck! What the hell am I thinking?’ her words had been effective to shut everyone at her territory up but what about having this as a tag for a lifetime.

   “Ma’am?” Frances called from the other side of the room.

   “Yes?” Esmeralda replied rubbing her aching temple. “Miss Lizzie is here.” Who was that? She got up and unlocked the door.

   “Who?” she asked Frances.

    “Um, Miss Lizzie? From the office Ma’am. She is Mr. Shelby’s personal secretary.” Oh that Lizzie! She remembered now.

   “Did you tell her Thomas isn’t home?”

    “Yes Ma’am. She says she is here to see you.”

    Esmeralda frowned, why was she here to see her? Still skeptical she asked her to bring her to the drawing room. “Uh, but Ma’am she is already in Mr. Shelby’s office.” Oh! ‘How very forward of her!’ This pissed Esmeralda off. Nodding and telling Frances that she would be with her in a moment, she sprayed her perfume from her dresser before leaving the room.

    Entering Thomas’s office, the sight made her blood boil. Lizzie smiled at her sitting on Thomas’s chair. “You must be Lizzie than. Frances told me you wanted to see me?” Esmeralda watched her closely as she clasped her fingers in front of her resting her elbows on the table. “And you must be Thomas’s ‘Golden girl’!”

    ‘Oh! So this will be ‘that’ kind of a meeting then…’ Esmeralda looked down, shaking her head and smiled. Lizzie looked at all the stuff on the table and then decided to get a hold of Thomas’s pen. “Is that what you all call me there?” Esmeralda cocked her head. She calculatedly crossed the carpet and sat down on the sofa-set in front of his table, refusing to sit on the table with her while she sat on Thomas’s chair.

    “Yeah, there are other names too. But this one seems to be the most… how I should say?” she bit the pen thoughtfully, “Respectful one…” Lizzie stroked. “Fascinating.” Esmeralda’s jaw ticked but she kept a hold on the reins of her temper. At that very moment Frances came in with a trolley of tea and refreshments “Oh Frances darling! You should have asked me before arranging that! I really wasn’t in the mood you know.” Lizzie said with a tone which sounded really informal and casual. “I did ask the lady of the house Miss Lizzie and she said yes. So, here we are.” Frances’s reply made Lizzie grit her teeth as Esmeralda tried not to scoff. “It’s okay Frances. It seems our guest would like something more ‘informal’…” Esmeralda gestured her towards the whiskey near Thomas’s table. But before Frances could pour any Lizzie stopped her. “Leave us.” She commanded Frances but she only left when Esmeralda nodded to her, which infuriated her even more.

    “So, is there a motive behind your visit?” Esmeralda cut to the chase. “Oh there is. I was actually here to see Thomas but when Frances told me he is running a bit late, I decided to meet you instead. Y’know to pass the time.”

    I entered the room with confusion and curiosity. “Wow…” I mumbled. It was beautiful. The first thing that had caught my eye was the lightness to it. It was open light and pure. I walked straight towards the window which had a beautiful view of the backyard. 

“You like it then?” I looked back to find Cillian standing next to the door with both hands in his pockets. Was he nervous? About me not liking his place? “Of course I do. It’s absolutely stunning Cillian.” I said sitting down carefully on the L shaped sofa near the windows. He walked and sat across me as well, on his side, with one leg tucked underneath him. I knew this would be awkward but still. The silence was heavy and suffocating. How do I began? What should I say?

       “Cillian I…” “Y/N I…” we both began together at the same time making each other smile. Fuck! I felt like a fucking teenager on a first date. Cillian gestured for me to go on, “Firstly I want to say sorry. I… I don’t know what came over me that day at the hospital. I should have been more considerate, more understanding towards you…” Cillian shook his head, “Please don’t… It’s fine…” “No, it’s not.” I cut him off, “I’ve realized how difficult this time had to have been for you. Even if I don’t remember anything about you… about us…” Cillian visibly flinched. “I should have thought about your feelings. I shouldn’t have been that    selfish.” His blue eyes were fixed at me, making me squirm a bit. “I could say the same for myself. I should have considered your state of mind. I shouldn’t have expected you to just except me like that. But…” he looked down. “Just the idea of you completely forgetting me…” he rubbed his face, “I guess I needed some time to figure stuff out…” I nodded. We were silent again.

      He sighed, suddenly looking outside, at the trees. “So this is it then eh?” he mumbled. “The end?” I raised my palms, “More like a pause really…” I felt so embarrassed saying it but I had to do it, I had to be as honest as possible. “A pause?” He scoffed before smiling, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “Yes. I just… I…” my breathing became shallow as I realized I had overwhelmed myself. How do I word this? Without breaking his heart? Without breaking my heart? What if he doesn’t understand? What if I am unable to make him understand? I was just engulfed in this feeling of sudden incoherence when he moved closer. “Hey! Look at me. Just look at me.” I did, right into his blue eyes which were wide with caution, “Relax okay. Don’t make yourself sick like this.” He said rubbing my back reassuringly and out of habit I think. I took a few deep breaths, “I just don’t want you to misunderstand me.” I said looking at the ceiling. “I won’t. Just say what you have to say. I want to know what is going on inside of you. Where we stand, as a couple. As a married couple. I have come to terms with the fact that we…” he gulped, “We may never go back to ‘our’ normal ever again. But still, I want to know how much you are willing to work your way through it, with me!”

     His face, his voice was full of emotions I, no matter how much I wanted to, could not connect myself with. His voice was breaking and I hated myself for being this person who just could not understand anything about his feelings at the moment. "Cillian, I don’t remember you.” He sucked in a shaky breath and loosed it. It was the truth, but I guess this statement would hurt him every time it would be stated. “No dates, no wedding, no sexy times…” he raised his eyebrows at that, with a hint of a smile maybe? “No sexy-times? None?” I shook my head, “Nope. And I know you having to remember all of that is just… crazy! Like there has to be so many spots in this house where we’ve done it but I don’t recall any of it.” He bit his lip before looking at the cushion next to me, “We’ve done it on the sofa too haven’t we?” he nodded slowly making me roll my eyes and blush. Would admitting that I liked this fact make things worse? Yes, yes they would. “I do remember my mother and sister and our relatives. I remember my office too. But you… I… My brain has confused you with a teenage crush of mine somehow.” He was watching me now. His face, completely expressionless, “I remember having your magazines and posters in my room. Reading your fan-fiction…” “But you didn’t know me when we’d met.” He interrupted me, “Really?”, “Yeah! That was why you had caught my attention. We were at this event and you were there with a friend of yours who had recently been dumped, not at all interested in the event itself.” He was absolutely lost in that memory, “You were wearing this red dress. God! You looked good. Just sitting at the bar the whole time ignoring everybody and everything.”

‘Really? Monica? I did not realize that THIS was your idea of a party!” I complained taking in the scene of the after-party of an A-List movie in L.A, “Just wait for a bit… God Y/N! Stop whining like my ex will ya!” and then she disappears after spotting Johnny Depp apparently. I never understand this hype around these actors. I mean, what is so danm special about them acting, eh? They are doing their job, just like each and everyone one of us. Just like Monica is a personal shopper and I am an architect. We all do our work and get paid for it. Then why do these pretty faces get all this extra added bonus love?

     Rolling my gin and tonic in my hand I sipped another tiny sip when a man appeared beside me. His hairline receding, his eyes red-ish with a pot belly and a gold tooth, conclusion: an agent or a producer. “Hi pretty lady!” I sighed, “Hi” “I’ve been watching you for a while now, your face, your hair, your figure…” the way his eyes travelled down my body after that makes me want to puke my guts out, “You’d be perfect for a role in this movie by Steven Smith’s next…” “I’m not interested…” I said before he could complete his pathetic pitch which probably had to have worked in the past for him a few times to get women in his bed, his sleazy smile makes me sure of it. “Hey!” he moves closer, too close for my comfort, his smelly breath making me gag as he slides his hand around my waist, “C’mon love, don’t behave like that…” he whispered the next part into my ear, “I can make you a star…” before he can complete his stupid sentence I have already pushed him away, “Are you fucking deaf?” my voice is high, “I just fucking told you I…” all of a sudden a few heavy built men appear by his sides, his bodyguards. Really? They are looking like they are angrily going to throw me out of the place. I tried not to roll my eyes. “Oh please don’t bother, I can leave on my own…” I said grabbing my purse, ready to leave, but then they visibly flinch away a bit. I frown. Are they scared of me? Or am I drunk and imagining this? I’ve only been nursing this one drink so… but then I realize they are not looking at me! “Is there a problem gentlemen?” the voice is smooth as silk and thick. This simple statement is drawing me towards the owner of this sexy voice. I turned and saw the most handsome man I have ever seen in my life! The first thing I notice are his eyes. They are the bluest blue I have ever seen! And does he have a clear set of sky high cheekbones or what! “The lady said she isn’t interested Larry! Is it that difficult to understand? That tiny two lettered word?” he tilted his head with a disappointed smile, making me want to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness. But I forced myself to stay composed. “Oh, we… I did not know she was your guest Mr. Murphy!” ‘Larry’ said backing up now, along with his guards…    

    He came to know at that exact moment that he had somehow travelled into the memory, without thinking whether I wanted to hear the story or not. “I’m sorry I…” “No! I want to know! Everything that I can about us. All that I’ve forgotten” ‘apparently’ I did not add. He sighed, “So, did we hit right off from there?” I asked looking up from my lashes. “No, not at all. We actually ended up having an argument, you were quite opinionated at that time you know…” I raised my brows smiling, “Apparently, You were handling it and I had intervened for no reason but to ‘feed my male ego’ and save the girl.” He rolled his eyes no doubt at my words that I must have uttered while having the said argument with him.

    “So how did we meet again then? If we had left things so hastily and unmanaged like that?” He rubbed his index finger over his bottom lip, that shy smile again gracing his lips, “Oh I had found a way! I can do that when I am interested in something or, in this case, someone.” Cocking my head to the side I clicked my tongue, “Ah, Just because I did not recognize you?” I shook my head, I had him all figured out. He was intrigued because I had hurt his ego by not fawning at his feet like he was used to be treated. “That was one of the reasons, but not one of the main ones. I liked the fact that you weren’t afraid of displaying your thoughts and ideas. That if you felt things were not going the way you wanted them to go, you made sure the other person knew about it. Normally, people in my line of work did not do that, especially women. Most of the time they swallow their pride and dignity when faced by a person in a powerful position. They stay silent. But you did not work like that.” He looked up, as if once again, he had lost himself somewhere and just found his way back. “You gathered all of that in one meeting with me?” I questioned, amazed. “I am an actor Y/N. Characterisation of characters is part of what I do for a living.” He said, not at all ashamed of his ‘characterisation’. “Hmm…” I pursed my lips, I was amused. “And then? What happened then?” I really wanted to know everything about us. But just when he opened his mouth to say something, my phone started beeping. I hurriedly took it out of my pocket, “It’s for my medicines. Marie’s idea!” I explained before he nodded. And then when I tried to reach for my walking stick, to get them from Marie, downstairs, he stopped me, saying that he would get them for me.

    When he left the room I took in a long shaky breath and exhaled it slowly. This wasn’t bad! Not bad at all! I felt foolish for thinking this would be weird and awkward. Getting up slowly I started to look around the room when my eyes landed on the bookshelf in the corner. There were lots of books of various shapes and sizes, arranged roughly, of course. But what caught my attention was a small, thick, green journal nudged hastily, wrong side forward, between two big books. I’d recognize that journal anywhere as it was mine. My father had gifted it to me on my fourteenth birthday. I took it out and opened the first page. His masculine writing still there, ‘To remember and cherish every good memory that ever graces your life. Love, Dad.’ My eyes welled up as I rubbed my fingers over the words. It is so weird how people leave behind these wonderful, meaningful things to be remembered by. Their words become eternal but they, themselves, are gone forever. Sadly, I never got to write anything in it. After Dad’s death, I’d decided not to write anything in it as I’d admitted and understood that nothing would ever feel special or memorable enough to be written in it without him in my life. This would be my way of telling him how everything feels empty without him, just like the bare pages of this journal.

    Sighing I was about to put it back when Cillian returned, a glass of water in one hand and my tablets in the other. One look at my wet face had his eyebrows going up, “hey, what’s the matter?” “Nothing, just missing dad…” I sniffled. He nodded in understanding after looking at the journal in my hands. We sat back at the sofa as I placed the journal on the center table. “I truly wish I would have met the guy. From what you have told me, he sounds perfect.” I nodded as I reached for the glass and tablets in his hands. “He was…” For the teensiest moments our fingers touched and it felt like I’d just touched a live wire. The feeling almost making me drop the glass. “Steady…” he warned as he closed his fingers around mine, tightening them to make sure I had a proper grip now. “Sorry…” I mumbled, embarrassed. ‘Is this normal? Or am I just horny?’ I thought to myself. Taking the tablets I took one out, “Oh no, not this one…” He looked confused, “Why not?” “This one makes me sleepy. Too sleepy!” ‘And I don’t want to sleep and miss this time of ours together…’ I refrained from adding. “Uh uh! Marie had said you would say that. You have to take all of them Y/N.” “But…” “No buts when it comes to medicines.” I snatched the tablet from his palm, “I’m not a child you know!” “But you do behave like one sometimes.” He pouted making me realize I was pouting too. I immediately straightened my face.

    Having my medicines, all the while having him stare at me like a hawk, I handed him back the glass. “Can you show me where my stuff is then? So that I can begin packing?” I wanted to be done with this all. My being here, was making me feel… confused. After a minute or two of complete silence and staring at the floor he said, “So that’s it? You’re giving up on us?” He looked at me then, his eyes looked, empty and hollow. “Cillian I… I don’t want you to look at it this way. It isn’t the en…” he cut me off, “Because I want you to know that if you go tomorrow, if you leave…” I stopped breathing “then that’s it.” I wanted to scream at him. Ask him to wait. Call him cruel and insensitive. But I knew, deep down in my heart, I knew, he was right and that he deserved to be …free. I could not say anything. I wanted to, but no words could be formed or said. My eyes filled with tears and anger, at what I didn’t know. He must have taken my silence as a yes because just a few moments later he went down to “…get the suitcases to pack your stuff in…” As soon as he left the room I began to sob. And I don’t remember exactly when but my medicines must have kicked in and I found myself falling asleep right there on the sofa.

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    I woke up really comfortable and cozy. Opening my eyes, I realized why that was. I was in our, Cillian’s bed, tucked in with a soft blanket. Last I remembered, I was sitting on the sofa and had decided just to rest my eyes until he returned from downstairs. Did he carry me from it to the bed? The idea made me blush. I liked the thought a little too much than I should have. The blinds were drawn but it was obvious that the sun was gone. Swinging my legs out of the bed, I frowned at my purple socks. He really did not have to take my shoes off. This, sleeping in his bedroom alone, him carrying me and tucking me in ‘his’ bed and taking my shoes off before doing so, that too after the decision of me leaving had been made, felt a bit too… intimate. Did he touch me elsewhere when he did these things? Did his hands, unconsciously, roam around a little when he placed me on the bed? Did he… okay I needed to stop this trail of thoughts. The idea should make me uncomfortable but it weirdly doesn’t. I needed to get my shit together.

     I was sitting in a sleepy, confused daze when I heard a ruffling sound and some people talking from the walk-in closet on the far end of the room. Rubbing my face I walked in and saw Marie and Cillian sitting on the floor laughing. They had some photographs in their hands from a photo album which was on the floor too. “…And do you remember this? When Matt had started hitting on your brother?” Marie asked wiping tears from the corners of her eyes. “Oh yeah! I don’t know how he had gotten the idea that Paidi was gay. It’s still our family’s favorite thanksgiving night story today. The look on his face! My goodness…”  they both had to have sensed me standing behind as at that very moment they turned and stared at me. “Hey, sleepy head!” Marie began, “Since you had decided to take your beauty sleep, me and Cillian thought we could start packing your stuff…” sure enough, two suitcases, one fully loaded with cloths and the other half filled stood in the corner of the room. “But then we ended up finding this here!” She gestured towards the album on the floor. “What is this?” I asked before gradually managing to sit between them on the carpeted floor. “It’s your wedding album!” the words were like a punch to my gut. I am sure my eyes must have gotten really big as Cillian asked me twice if I was okay, before looking between Marie and me.

    I don’t know why this was such a shocker for me. Probably because I still believed the whole ‘Waking up in an alternative universe’ thing sub-consciously. I was hoping to take the flight back to Istanbul and watch Marie make the exact same face mine had on right now, when I showed her my room with Cillian’s posters and magazines from my closet. I picked a few of the pictures up and started going through them. Some of the faces I recognized but some I did not. But then I came across one with Marie and Mom standing next to Cillian, in his tux. My heart skipped a beat. He looked absolutely gorgeous! He had his peaky cut. The wedding must have been right after his shooting or something. But then something came over me, I don’t know what exactly, this urge to look at something else. I started ruffling through the photo graphs like a mad woman, surely worrying my sister and husband but I didn’t care until I found it. There! There it was! Me and Cillian! Standing at the altar. I was wearing the most perfect white wedding dress as we both stared at each other in the most loving way possible.The two pictures I held were taken within moments. The first one had us both staring at each other, holding hands, no doubt saying our vows. And then in the next one we were kissing. His hand had been gently cupping my face as our lips touched so softly, so purely. Fuck!

    In the background somewhere a phone could be heard ringing, Marie got up to receive the call with a soft ‘I’ll get it…’ but I did not care. I closed my eyes as a tear escaped from my right one. Opening them I found Cillian’s face inches away from me, his eyes full of worry. “Y/N, you okay?” In that moment I do not know what or where I was. It seemed as if it was just me and him and no one else existed. I reached his cheek with my hand and placed it softly at his side. He looked confused just for a tiny second but then leaned in to my touch almost instantly. “Y/N?” he mumbled, “Cillian…” I breathed. He moved and before I knew it our foreheads were touching. I closed my eyes and was sure he did the same, breathing in his scent as he did mine. He did not advance or rush in any way, sacred to break the moment, whatever it was that was happening. But then suddenly Marie came back holding her phone and we hurriedly pulled apart. Whatever the moment was, it was gone. “Umm… It was the hospital. Your results just came in.” She said looking at me and Cillian back and forth. “And?” my voice cracked, “It’s a go. The doctors say it is okay for you to travel.” She announced it like it was a good news but I did not feel happy at all. And I was sure it did not settle well with Cillian as well as without a word he simply stood up and left.

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   The test results weren’t expected before midnight, but ‘our’ flight was at 6:30 in the morning so Marie had decided to utilize our time by packing up my stuff at ‘home’. Yes, our flight. Cillian had bought my ticket and upgraded Mom and Marie’s tickets to first class as well. And yes, home. My home apparently. We were in my ‘husbands’ car right now, which was being driven by his driver. “It’s good to have you back Mrs. Murphy.” He’d greeted. There was that name again. It made me happy and sad at the same time.  

    The conversation with Marie had been a revelation. I had to share the details with Dr. Sophie or any other Doctor I was going to consult in Istanbul. Plus I had to know what had happened at the night of the accident. Everyone was being so tight lipped about it. I hope they understood that it was only making me more curious. Even my phone was wiped out. Everything deleted and wiped before it was handed over to me. Only the wallpaper remained and my contacts.

    Thinking about having to talk to Cillian, one on one, was giving me tingles in my stomach. I had practiced for a bit in front of the bathroom mirror before getting out. I had seen myself, completely, for the first time after getting out of the hospital. I had lost a lot of weight and had some scarring on my body as well, no doubt from the accident. It made me a bit self-conscious knowing that Cillian could even rock a sack if he had to. I had dark circles under my eyes as well, making my face look a bit faint and tired. In simple words, I could go to audition for a Tim Burton live action with the satisfaction that they wouldn’t have had to use a lot of makeup on me. I wondered what Cillian would think of this thought of mine and chuckled.

    Before I knew it we had reached.

   The house wasn’t something I would have thought of buying for myself really. Yet, I couldn’t shake off the feeling of familiarity at all. The moment I had laid my eyes on it, I felt like I had travelled in to a memory. Everything felt slow-motioned. It looked like a house with old bones but a youthful soul. The blinds were drawn so there wasn’t much I could make about the inside of it. The small black gate screeched as I slowly pushed it open and stepped inside.

   ‘I am late! Fuck! He would be so mad at me. I hurriedly park the car and literally run towards the gate. It won’t open! Why isn’t it opening danm it. I look around to make sure no one is watching, especially ‘him’. He would tease me to death if he sees me doing this. And when I’m sure, I simply jump over the tiny gate and almost fall on my butt because of my tight fitted dress and heels. I was wearing them because we are supposed to go on a date right after his friend’s housewarming party here. But before I can ring the bell the door opens…’

     I wobbled and almost fell backwards as I was still in a daze but Cillian had caught me, “Hey! I’ve got you.” He had opened the door even before I could ring the bell. ‘What was that?’ I wondered silently. His hand lingered on my waist as he steadied me. “You okay?” he asked clearing his throat. “Yeah…” my reply was breathier than I wanted it to be. His scent was bothering me again, no, intoxicating has to be the word. It was not just perfume, it was him. Definitely him.

    Marie came and Cillian greeted her and let us both in.

    The house was beautiful from the inside as well. Cozy, warm and inviting. The color blue could be found almost on every inch of the place, with accents of gold and beige. It was casual with a strong lacing of extravagance and elegance. I loved it instantly.

    “Oh my! I never thought I would see you in this hallway again Mrs. Murphy!” an old lady with an apron around her waist rushed towards me and clasped my hands. Cillian gave her a look which made her nod and move back. “This is Grace umm… the housekeeper and cook.” He announced to me of course. Grace looked at me expectantly, as if she was waiting for me to say, ‘April’s fool’ in November. “Hello Grace. It’s lovely to meet you.” My words made her flinch. A look of disappointment crossed her face before she gathered herself. “Likewise.” She said curtly and went into the kitchen mumbling something I could not catch. We went and sat in the living room.

    You know how every house has its own fragrance? This one had one too. But the only name I could give it would be ‘déjà vu’. It felt like something very nearly in my minds grasp but not quite. Grace brought in tea on a trolley but I refused it. All of this was making my stomach churn. The last thing I wanted to do is puke all over Cillian’s beautiful house. “Did you talk to Ashton? Is he okay with having Y/N over?” Cillian asked Marie, once again pretending like I wasn’t just sitting right in front of him, “’Cuz if he is not, I can arrange a separate…” “Oh no Cillian. Ashton said it was absolutely fine. We would just have to keep it a secret from Ashton’s mother. You know how she is right?” Cillian simply nodded with raised brows, “Oh I do! I remember her fits of fury on your wedding quite well.” I kept looking between them. This was exactly what I’d always wanted. I wouldn’t have survived this long if my sister hadn’t supported and guided me throughout my life. So naturally whenever we’d discuss our ‘ideal man’, one of my most valued qualities was him having a good relationship with Marie. Because it was a fact that I wouldn’t ever ditch my sister, especially not for a guy and she had pledged the same. But right now, looking at them like this did not feel great. I was lost. It was as if I did not even exist. They did not even need me to have a genuine conversation.

     I know in my head that I’m being irrational and silly but my eyes water up. “I need to use the restroom.” I should have asked Cillian but I looked at Marie instead. If he wants to ignore me than two can play this game. “Of course.” She instantly stood up and led me towards a bathroom under the stairs. I washed my face and breathed in and out slowly. I needed to get a grip on my emotions again. I could feel the leash slipping away. Wiping my face with a towel I went out, but instead of joining my husband and sister I decided to look around a bit. It was ‘my home’ after all, wasn’t it?

    Walking up the blue carpeted stairs, I found myself in a long stretched hallway with framed glass windows on one side. There were at least five bedroom doors. I started with the first one on my left. It was a standard bedroom, obviously not used much. The furniture mostly covered with sheets and plastic. The same happened with the two other doors. But when I tried to open the fourth one, it wouldn’t open. I tried to open it a couple of times but it still did not budge. Strange. The one in the end of the hallway was a store room of sorts.

    Boxes and packages covered in dust were roughly placed inside the dark, windowless room.

Warnings: Mention of medicines and sedatives.

Y/N finds herself in a unique situation where her heart wants to believe everything but her mind wants her to repress herself to prevent heartbreak. The love of her life is miraculously close enough to touch but everything stops with the question, “Is any of this real?”

Authors note: I apologize beforehand to how medically incompatible this story will be, as I am not a professional doctor, just a fanfic writer with an idea she cannot contain in her head anymore. So, please, bear with me.

Word count: 1449

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    My medicines were strong enough to knock a horse out. After indulging in two of those scrumptious doughnuts my phone had beeped to remind me of the medicines I had to take. I had gotten my phone back and was relieved and shocked at the same time when I’d turned it on and found out I was right. Cillian’s eyes were my home-screen wallpaper. The screen was cracked but it was still working. The doctors, however, had prohibited any use of the internet for now as I was a wife of a celebrity and a lot of rumors and speculations were on there that could easily effect my already damaged mental state. And if I really wanted to, I could use it under supervision.  Fair enough I guess. Even if it made me feel like a teenager again.

      Marie had put in the reminders on my phone as she did not trust me to take my medicines on time. She was right. But as soon as I had them I had started feeling sleepy. And then before I knew it, it was evening. The soft knock on the door had woken me up. It was Marie. After wobbling on my walking stick and hardly balanceable feet, as I was still sleepy as hell, I let her in. “Wow! Cillian went all out didn’t he!” she took in the room and then the box from Joan’s. Plopping on the bed next to me she helped herself on one. I was again about to fall asleep when she nudged me, not softly at all, “What?” I whined sleepily.”Are you sure you want to come with us Y/N?” I slightly sat up, the comfort of the bed and the coziest blanket was literally paralyzing me. I simply did not want to move. “What do you mean by that Marie? You know I am.” I said, irritated. “I just feel like you need to think about it a bit more.” She looked at me now, knowing fully well how I could never lie when she looked at me like that, when she cornered me with her stare like that. I sighed loudly looking at the ceiling, “Just tell me the truth. I want to… understand why, exactly, are you doing this?” I sat up, “You think of me as an enemy don’t you?” my voice low and full of hurt. “Why is it that difficult for you all to understand this that I need time?” I got out of bed and started to make a cup of coffee. I needed my brain to wake up.

      Marie was silent until I came back with two mugs of caffeine, one at a time, with the crutch and all, and handed one to her. “I understand how all of you want everything to go back to normal. And believe me, I want that too. But it’s not an option for me.” Marie nodded. Finally I could see my words getting through to her, so I continued. “In my mind I do not see Cillian as my husband. I do not remember our first meeting, any of our dates, any proposal not even my fucking wedding…” my eyes were tearing up now and I hated it. It made me feel pathetic and helpless, crying like that. “I am not saying I want to end it. I am also not saying I want to keep it. Because in my mind, Cillian was just a crush of mine.” Her brows knit together so I had to explain what my doctor had told me in the morning, after a psycho-analysis session with her. She had talked to me about a lot of things. About my childhood, about my school, even college. I could remember most of those things correctly but when it came to my relationship with Cillian, there was nothing. “Dr. Sophia said that it seems that my brain has, somehow, replaced some characters or people of my life with some others.” Her eyes widened, “So Cillian replaced…” “Jack Robertson, my crush from my teen years.” I completed. My case was unlike she had ever seen she had said. But that fact did not made me feel special at all. The Doctor had said that it would take several, ‘meetings’ and sessions to completely unwrap and untangle these wires in my head. And to fully understand the mess she or any other doctor from Istanbul that I was going to see after going back, would have to have some sessions with my other family members too. Setting the wires up back to ‘normal mode’ was another thing. “In short my mind is sort of fucked up. And to un-fuck it up I need time and patience…” I said, in the calmest tone I could muster up. I wasn’t lying. Just keeping a small part from her and everyone else, including the doctors. I had accepted the reality that everything and everyone around me was real. But I still felt like I had somehow travelled to another timeline and universe.

       Going back to Istanbul, I want to see for myself. My room, my stuff, the magazines which I am danm sure have to have Cillian’s face on them and that poster on the wall from ‘Peaky Blinders’. I knew all of them would think I’ve completely lost it and probably put me in a mental hospital but I needed something, I did not know what, but something to hold on to. Something to grasp this unbelievable reality with. Which is why I had decided to go with Marie and Mom. Marie rubbed her temple, “Fucking hell Y/N.” she slapped my shoulder, “Only you can choose something this fucked up to get sick with.” “I chose?...” I shook my head, smilling, “And here I thought I was getting through to you.” “ No no no no! I’m so sorry. I did not mean it like that.” She panicked, “And you’re right. We are being inconsiderate by forcing you to behave and act normal when none of this is normal at all.” Thanks God! She was using her brain again, “But!...” I rolled my eyes, “I want you to talk to Cillian too. Just like this. He deserves this. At least acknowledge his existence Y/N.” I nodded, she was right. “He is in pain. A lot of it. And about your relationship with him, you need to have him on the same page, kiddo. It works both ways. He needs to have the opportunity to decide if he wants to wait for you or not.” She was ripping the bandage now, I knew it, “You expecting him to wait ‘more’ without an explanation or taking in the fact that he did wait for you for two whole years is you being inconsiderate as well.” I nodded to that too. I had thought about it. I was danm ashamed of how I had treated him and hurt him, even if it was unintentional, he deserved an apology. But what if after hearing my thoughts and decision of putting our ‘married life’ on hold for a while does not sit well with him? And if he chooses to part ways, will I regret it later on? ‘Fuck!’