mutuals only

when i have a desk in my room its so over for hating myself

idk its not just that i experienced very real loss (my grandparents) and then a different type of real loss (moving out of my mom's house) but i feel like in the last year i have lost so many parts of my identity i no longer know who i am but now i am putting a real concentrated effort into retrieving them. things like my love of horror and my love of music, the importance of writing for me, my desire to get my doctorate in theology, the ownership and reality of my mental health, and even my relationship w redacted. he is unfortunately a part of me and i am not sure i like who i am without that more than me with that. is this a red flag statement

finally emailed redacted back after almost two months of silence which is the longest we have gone without speaking in six years. the break has given me some clarity and i now know definitively i don't want to lose him as a friend because previously i had seriously considered cutting him out of my life because having gotten some distance from our relationship i was quite upset by it but i no longer feel like that. so idk if that's good or bad because i do feel like i was groomed but i also think desperate men are fools and the distance that's come between us in the last year has hopefully solved that issue and made him become closer w his wife than with me as it should be. idk

the first and only time i got high instead of getting the munchies i got the opposite so i barely ate anything despite us having ordered chinese food and my boyfriend was begging me to eat more to try and help sober me up. but about halfway through trying to eat i ate a piece of chicken and it tasted so strongly of chicken i was like oh my god this is a bird. we shouldn't be eating this. started crying and then just ate jelly beans instead. so you could say i think i'm going to finally go back to vegetarianism

i need to prioritize myself to be vegetarian again last year when i got way too high i started crying because i felt so guilty about eating meat which in the context of the experience clearly indicated i should probably make some lifestyle changes and stop eating meat

my life is kind of like if malcolm in the middle were really scary

partner paid for me to get the parcel registry for my mom's house and both my dead grandparents are still listed as the owners. if their will was probate there would be a notice of estate proceedings on the parcel registry and there isn't so im guessing their executor (my uncle) has just been sitting on it for over a year because he's not ready to deal with it. simultaneously my mother has been unable to contact him to see about her house because she's not ready to deal with it, making me the only person in this lineage who is actually doing something. fuck this family is repressed!

unfortunately the truth remains that nicole dollenganger is literally the blueprint