all my life, my heart sought a thing i can't name.

LEO & ALANA ; @chsingmavericks​ October 14th, Wednesday 11:00 pm

Leo learned over the last several months that time seemed to pass by much quicker when you threw yourself into work. It wasn’t as if he had much of a choice in the matter to begin with. Mike told him to jump and he didn’t ask how high –– he just jumped. So with their growing business Leo found himself running point on operations that led him back to Boston, up north to Maine, and then back down to Devinstone. Despite the time that had passed, it was impossible to forget the one reason why he felt both hesitant and excited to drift back into the small town –– Alana.

He had been understandably heartbroken and upset given her confession months prior and did his best to avoid her, otherwise the side of him that often caved into anger and resentment would bear its ugly head. It was a side of himself he never thought would rise in Alana’s presence but once he noticed the pattern he halted all visits and bump ins. It was too risky. No matter where they stood, Leo wanted to preserve what was good about their relationship, even if it was nothing but a pretty lie at this point. Still, despite that, he found himself roaming the streets of Devinstone once again. He had heard through whispers around town that she had up and left for awhile and the first thing he felt given the information was relief. He hoped she found some sort of peace elsewhere, hoped she stopped her guilt from wailing about and ruining every moment of happiness she had. Because despite all the wrongs she committed against him, Leo couldn’t bring himself to wish her any ill will. That was probably the first sign that told him he wasn’t quite over her, more than that, that he might’ve never quite fallen out of love with her either. 

Thoughts of that nature seemed to fill his head these days and probably what prompted him to stand outside her old apartment complex. Leaning against the wall inhaling a long drag from his cigarette and tossing the ashes to the ground. What was he doing there? If anyone asked, he’d come up with a lie –– that he was just having a cigarette break before heading down to the docks or that he found himself there after a stiff drink at the bar across the way. In the end, those would all be little lies. The truth was that he wanted to know how Alana was doing. He never checked up on her when they broke up and he regretted that a lot. This time around, he was saving himself some more regret.

Leo used to think that breaking up was the best thing to have happened to either of them –– that perhaps being free of the other that they’d be able to face the world, cope with their damages, and begin to heal. Up until recently he realized just how wrong he had been about that. Without Alana, he might not have gone back to the drug infested life of his past, but he sure as hell was killing himself in other equally destructive ways. The amount of fights he had gotten into the last several months had been a new record, a number that would make Mike proud but any other person worry. Leo had been holding onto so much anger that it had begun to bleed out of him. His knuckles were still red from a brawl he wound up in three days ago over a simple look. He hadn’t gotten any better but he hoped Alana couldn’t say the same. 

He waited on that street for nearly an hour, even burned through an entire pack of smokes by the time he finally did catch a glimpse of Alana coming down the sidewalk. Seeing her made the wait worth it. It didn’t seem to matter how much she hurt him, it didn’t change the fact that there would never be a time when he wouldn’t be happy to see her. Only the smallest of smiles appeared on Leo’s face, only faint enough so you’d be able to tell if you were close enough. “Loneliness ain’t a good look on you” he managed to let the words out with a casual shrug, eyes unable to leave her presence for even a second now no matter how cool and collected of a demeanor he presented outwardly. “I’ve probably told you a thousand times not to walk around the city by yourself this late…” Years ago no doubt, if only because he truly did worry about her. He was never quite sure why she didn’t heed his warning, maybe she wanted him to be with her all the time and avoid that issue, or maybe she just needed the escape and thought the risk was worth it. In the end, Leo always found himself that girl is asking for trouble. Little did he know that he had perhaps been the trouble that shook her life to its core. 

               There was no way around it: the truth hurts. And it hurt really fucking bad. The weight of guilt had become unbearable, so, months back, Alana slipped right out of Devinstone’s unimpressive city limits and headed south. It was what the brunette had always done best: run away. Then again, that internal mantra was just more of the wily brunette’s way of punishing herself given that it was far from the truth. In heartbreak, it was true that Alana was weak and soft, not the wild child that threw caution to the wind and made people stand back in awe of her charisma and fire. However, the reality was that she’d always been a fighter and someone who stood her ground no matter what. Something inside of her broke though when the way Leo looked at her changed following her confession, her fire had quickly been snuffed out when the only person who really and truly seemed to love her pulled himself away from her. It was a truth that had been owed. Right? So many times she questioned her action; that night she just let everything spill out red on the floor and destroy what had been stored as the best memory she’d had of her twenty-nine years of breathing. Would it have really been so bad to let the lie live and they part ways as lovers that couldn’t work out? She was too much of a mess and he was in too deep with his brother? Somewhere in that pensive head of hers she knew that over the time the lie would’ve eaten her alive. It didn’t seem wrong to have wished it could have been painless for him.

              The fact that Leo hurt so badly told Alana how deeply he cared for her. As wrong as it was to feel some level of comfort in that, the brunette couldn’t help but let it swallow her whole in her worst and lowest moments.

              When she had made it to Baton Rouge, determined to take a ride out on one of those paddlewheel boats, Alana only spent a little money on a room for a couple of nights. The plan had been to keep heading south, to wind up in some place like Buenos Aires where there was plenty of distance between herself and Devinstone, where she could push everything further from her mind and not feel everything so much. How could she be so foolish? There was no way to escape the mind, even less to escape the yearnings and pangs of the heart. Don’t you know your problems follow you wherever you run to? The words echoed for days and weeks in her head as she steered clear of New Orleans, since learning that she and Leo had been in The Big Easy roughly around the same time. It was nice to fantasize that he had gone there chasing her down after she had left him and New York, looking for her and finding her escaping their love unfathomable. Prolonging her pain seemed to be something she was astutely skilled at, and that was only one of the things she tortured herself with following their first run-in at the bar and subsequently when she’d later made her confession at the nightclub. Maybe he wouldn’t let her get away a second time? There was a chance Leo would reconsider the offer she had made before things went from bad to worse, right? So often in those first few weeks she looked over her shoulder and around corners, half expecting to see his lumbering frame and stern expression headed straight to her. 

              Eventually --- Alana stopped looking back. A callous had formed in her chest and her heart was walled away behind fresh mortar and bricks. And rather than continuing south, in the months that followed, the brunette headed west. It took her awhile to take notice that she was simply following the pattern she had set before, the first time around, once she left New York and headed to New Orleans before Los Angeles. The brunette felt different this time, everything was different --- instead of looking over her shoulder hoping no one was running after her, Alana had, well, stopped looking back, but longed for someone to come chase her down. As much as her heart cried out for forgiveness, she wanted to be able to make right on her regrets and take away the pain she had afflicted Leo with. He deserved that. There had to be a way she could make right on her wrongs and Alana had a few wild thoughts considering it, one being that she find Mike and tell him everything herself. The only thing that had stopped her from doing so were Leo’s words in her head, and truly, the brunette was terrified of making things worse for her ex. Somehow, she resigned to her depression and loneliness, unable to breakaway completely from the guilt she harbored. Alana the mess was better off alone and away. Not only did she have funds but she could do her job from virtually anywhere.

              What brought the somewhat reformed wild child back to Devinstone? Maybe someone loosely called a friend had mentioned that Vibe’s bouncer was gone, up and left town a while back. Mostly it was her mother and the fact that months away from her place, Alana had things to check on and needed a refresh of clothing. She also needed her editing equipment. So, when she returned, it was done quietly and cautiously. Not a peep was spoken to anyone about when she might stroll through town once more and Alana had gotten away with it for at least a week if not more without anyone seeking out the somewhat tamed hellion. What was depressing though was that her place was as exactly as she had left it, and the brunette had half hoped that she had been robbed and her townhome would’ve been trashed. Forcing her to move elsewhere. It was stupid. Leo had only stepped foot in her place the one time but memories of him were everywhere within those walls. Mostly because of the box of things he hadn’t taken, the mementos she’d had up around her place of him and their relationship, the fact that the bed was where she’d shed the most tears following all the harsh words that hit her chest following her confession. Or, then there was the stairs, where she sat and watched the door after he had left. The only thing he had taken that day were the various pills she’d had left on her coffee table. While, in the end Alana had been grateful, she also hated that he had still been looking after her.

              In fact, her former dealer was the only person that wondered where the fuck she had gotten off to in the months that she was gone. Alana and her mother were so estranged that she only heard from the woman a couple of weeks before finding herself in Devinstone again. She had some mother drama to attend to, but that was something she would tackle once she got her house in order. For nearly a week straight she purged and cleaned the entire townhome. Then she filled it with fresh things; furniture, food, nicknacks, and a fresh coat of paint on the inside walls. After a week of strolling her hometown, to and fro for this and that, keeping a low profile, Alana saw no signs of her former love. That alone let her breathe a little easier. Not because the brunette didn’t want to see Leo, she always craved him, but because she had really nothing to say. There was no fix, nothing she could do to make things better, and it was the most defeated she’d possibly ever felt. Years later she still loved him, still dreamt of him, despite all her mistakes and wrong turns he had become all she had wanted and knew she could never have. That was the curse of what she had agreed to do. 

              Yet, there he was, that voice and strong presence that halted Alana in her tracks and caused her entire body to freeze up. Her breath withheld in her lungs for so long that they started to ache as her dark eyes moved rapidly all over Leo’s face --- shock, relief, anxiety, love, and hope flooded her small figure in an overwhelming mixture. Alana swallowed thickly, like honey was stuck in her throat, and --- fuck, he was so handsome. What a sight for sore eyes. No, more than that. Those same tees he wore and that leather jacket, his hair still slicked in perfect place, and his little lopsided grin just about decimated the unprepared brunette. Was he joking with her? Leo seemed… lighthearted. While that was good, it let Alana know he was doing pretty well, that he had gotten past the heartbreak she caused, it hurt that he was okay at the same time. After nearly choking on the need for oxygen and something akin to a laugh, Alana forced a smile as she looked up at her ex. “Who says I’m lonely?” The brunette’s shoulder’s straightened and she falsely attempted to stand a little prouder. It was something she loved and hated about Leo, how he had always paid attention to the details and knew so much by looking things over. “You know I’m a nightwalker.” Much to his dismay, actually. “This isn’t New York, there’s no bad guys in this dumbass town that are gonna mug me.” It was something she loved to use against him in the past. Leo hated her walking alone but she refused to not walk, therefore forcing him to spend just a little more time with her. His protective nature made her feel loved, cared for, that she was valuable to someone. Even if it pulled him selfishly away from things he needed to do. Alana had been so starved for love, affection, and any level of devotion that she took advantage. 

              “Looks more like you need someone looking after you.” Dark eyes moved over the purpling around his eye and then dropped to his red knuckled hands. “What happened to you?” Part of her knew the answer, another part of her knew that he wouldn’t give her anything straight, but the biggest part of her cared too fucking much to focus on her and his little teasing. She had been trouble that had erupted in his life, just maybe he had been a little bit more in the end. They were counterpoints after all. “Have you been loitering here?” Having noticed the cigarette butts on the side of the building, her dark eyes narrowed up at her ex. “How long?” Alana had to clip her words because in a matter of minutes she was already on the verge of inviting him into her place and offering to clean up his wounds. Pace yourself.

you love hoodies.  you love shorts.   dogs are better than cats.  it’s hilarious when people get hurt.   shopping is torture.   sad movies suck.   you own a car racing game.   you played with hot wheels cars as a kid.   at some point in time you wanted to be a fire fighter.   you owned a ds, ps2, n64, or sega.  you used to be obsessed with power rangers.   you have watched sports on tv.   gory movies are cool.   you go to your dad for advice.   you own like a trillion baseball caps.   you used to collect hockey or baseball cards.   baggy sweats are cool to wear.   it’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.   green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favourite colours.   you love to go crazy and not care what people think.   sports are fun.   you talk with food in your mouth.   you sleep with your socks on at night.   you have fished at least once.

YOUR STEREOTYPICAL FEMININE SIDE

you love to shop.   you wear eyeliner.   you wear the color pink.   you go to your mom to talk.   you consider cheerleading a sport.   you hate wearing the color black.   you like going to the mall.   you like getting manicures and/or pedicures.   you like wearing jewelry.   you cried watching the notebook.   dresses are a big part of your wardrobe.   shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.  you don’t like the movie star wars.   you are/were in gymnastics.   it takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up.   you smile a lot more than you should.   you have more than 10 pairs of shoes.   you care about what you look like.  you like wearing dresses when you can. you like wearing high heel shoes.  you used to play with dolls as little kid.   you like putting make-up on others.   you like being the star of everything.

APPEARANCE

i am shorter than 5’5”. i have scars. i tan easily. i wish my hair was a different color.   i have friends who have never seen my natural hair color.  i have a tattoo. i am self-conscious about my appearance. i’ve had/have braces. i’ve been told i’m attractive by a complete stranger. i have more than two piercings. i have/had piercings in places besides my ears.

EXPERIENCES

i’ve gotten lost in my city. i’ve seen a shooting star. i’ve wished on a shooting star.  i’ve seen a meteor shower. i’ve gone out in public in my pajamas. i’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.  i’ve kicked a guy where it hurts. i’ve been to a casino. i’ve been skydiving. i’ve gone skinny-dipping. i’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour. i’ve crashed a car. i’ve been skiing. i’ve been in a musical. i’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue. i’ve seen the northern lights. i’ve sat on a rooftop at night.  i’ve played a prank on someone.  i’ve ridden in a taxi. i’ve seen the rocky horror picture show. i’ve eaten sushi. i’ve been snowboarding.

HONESTY/CRIME

i’ve done something i promised someone else i wouldn’t. i’ve done something i promised myself i wouldn’t. i’ve snuck out. i’ve lied to my parents about where i am.  i’ve cheated while playing a game. i’ve ran a red light. i’ve witnessed a crime. i’ve been in a fist fight. i’ve been arrested.

DEATH AND SUICIDE

i’m afraid of dying. i hate funerals. i’ve seen someone/something dying. someone close to me has attempted/committed suicide. i’ve written a eulogy for myself.

RANDOM

“Oh, I assure you my memory is crystal fuckin’ clear” Leo snapped back just as quickly as the old days. At this point, he longed for those days, and getting a small taste of it made him wish things had been different. “In fact, I also recall you drinking way too much of my drink of choice and dancing on a table” It was hard to erase the better memories they had together which was probably why cutting Alana completely out of his life was already proving to be a struggle. For now, he would have to deal with it since the business required him to stay in Devinstone a little longer than he preferred and unless he wanted to tell Mike why he didn’t want to stick around, it seemed like sucking it up and carrying on was his only choice. Alana’s next words had Leo averting his eyes to the ground before releasing a quiet sigh. She was right. What they had was amazing. Past tense. And it didn’t matter how amazing it was, it could never feel the same way. The damage had already been done and Leo liked to think years down the line they’d be able to properly move on from it all, but right now, the wound felt far too open and bloody to think they could ever hop right back to where they left off two years ago. That was why Alana’s claim for a second chance sounded so irresponsible and even a little delusional at this point. If she had told a white lie or god forbid cheated or something equally as stupid and immature, a second chance would have been a reality. However, the web of lies she told, the way she left, and the number she did on his heart? Well, Leo wasn’t looking to give anyone a second opportunity to hurt him. He didn’t trust her enough for that and he wasn’t going to fight for someone who had done nothing but tell lies. Trust could be earned but it certainly didn’t take a few weeks to give her the keys back to his world. “You don’t get it, do you?” He had to ask despite the fact that the question had remained rhetorical. “Trust and loyalty mean everything to me –– it is everything to me. There’s no second chance to give” Leo had always believed that people were as good as their word. Sticking with that belief, it was clear wasn’t much left good between him and Alana. 

“It doesn’t matter” Leo insisted, “He’s my brother. I’d do anything for him, even if that means being second rate,” He said, using her choice of words, “I don’t care about the business. I care about them” Mike’s name along with his father’s went unspoken but there was no one else Leo had anymore. Through thick and thin he had only ever been able to rely on family. He owed them. If that meant standing back to let his brother reign, then so be it. Leo might’ve been smarter and stronger than Mike, but at the end of the day, he was still the little brother. A role he fell back into far too many times. It wasn’t as if Leo had any dreams of his own, they all revolved around the family business since he wasn’t given another choice. So he chose to walk through life without feeling completely fulfilled. It didn’t bother him as long as he didn’t dwell on that fact too much. His mother had always wanted him to be something more –– like a doctor, or a lawyer, or anything than what he was now. In that respect, he had failed her. She died before he and Mike went into business with their father, so Leo could rest easy knowing she didn’t die completely disappointed by her only sons. 

As Alana slowly pulled away from him, Leo accepted it for what it was. The feeling of happiness had been fleeting –– in one moment with her arms around him, he felt safe and accepted, and in the next, he was back in the real world where neither feelings were guaranteed. Letting out a soft sigh, Leo shook his head at her words. “I’m not” He decided with the shrug of his shoulders. He didn’t regret meeting Alana, what he regretted was that she lied to him. There had been parts of their relationship he would never be able to forget and probably compare every other relationship to, however, dealing with the aftermath of all the bad between them brought about a different sort of longing. “Alright, sure I guess. Take care of yourself” Leo added as he glanced down at his basket again. Not wanting to make Alana feel even worse than she probably already felt, Leo traded the package in his basket for something else before continuing on down the aisle.

Whatever you do, don't ever lose your faith The devil's quick to love lost in pain Better to say yes to never know, oh, oh Sell yourself to save your soul

A crossroads? He’s known plenty of those in short life, but he wasn’t looking too intently at the photo to assume it’s meaning just yet. It was his first time inside the gallery, and he had no intention of staying long, since his least favorite thing was being stared at. He understood that when he walked foot inside the gallery that he’d most likely be followed, which wasn’t anything new to him, he expected it by his appearance. His hair had reached a length that comfortably hid his hearing aids, his beard was reaching a dangerous thickness, and he knew it was only a matter of time before he’d shave and look like he aged down a few years. If he thought it was just those two things alone, that caused him to receive the side eyed looks, he was wrong. It didn’t help that dirt laced his fingernails from his job earlier that day, and his worn out boots, that he assumed boomed throughout the gallery, were stained with white paint from the fence work he did hours before arriving. He kept his head down for the most part, afraid he’d have to make conversation with someone, which is why he took a second to acknowledge her standing there, and it was by chance he turned just in time to read her lips. 

It wasn’t usual for Elliot to turn off his hearing aids when in crowded, public areas - too much noise caused migraines, and for once he’d like to have a fine fucking day. In response to her question, he shook his head no, then turned back to look at the photo for a little while longer, wondering if she would stay there or walk away after his blunt way of answering her. It was easier to ignore people or shove them aside, since communication wasn’t his strong suit for numerous reasons. He cupped his hand over his chin, moving his forefinger and thumb in unison over his beard, in an attempt to seem as though he was deep in contemplation - when really he just wasn’t sure if walking away would be pushing it too far. 

               Given that the brunette stood there transfixed by the image in front of her, Lana never saw the head shaking response he’d given her. In fact, since she heard nothing, it was assumed that she was ignored. Which was fine, maybe he hadn’t thought she was speaking to him or perhaps he didn’t want to acknowledge or speak in general. There could’ve been a few reasons but Lana wasn’t really in the place to try and push people or work too hard for anything. She was exhausted from a lifetime of that and it was painful to always come up so short. So instead of asking again or finding a different string of words to toss together, she simply let it be.

“I,” Tony began, then stalled fleetingly, “what’d you want a print of exactly?” The woman showed adamant about getting a print of whichever of his drawings. Up until now, Tony had never pondered on the idea, but with her persisted inquiries, he felt his patience beginning to wear thin. The earlier he was able to wrap up this bit of matter, the better. A hand flew up to the back of his neck, blindly rubbing at the skin. He caved. “I’ll, uh, give you a print of whatever you want. On the house.” Fuck it. He wouldn’t lose anything by doing so.

Annoyance prompted a sudden lift of his brow. Tony wasn’t feeling readily receptive to her spontaneousness; really, he’d never with anyone. But he wouldn’t rush to brush her off just yet. Typically, spontaneous tattoos meant flash tattoos - in which case, he had no qualms about. Pulling a binder from behind the counter, Tony dumped the book before her, a soft thud following. He was cognizant of the fact that he hadn’t even bothered to inquire about her request, but he trusted that she’d find what she was looking for. “Got some displays on the walls, too. Lemme know when you’ve decided on somethin’.” Having said that, he turned and left to begin set up and prep for his new client.

              Picking up his hesitance and possible irritation, especially with the way he rubbed at the nape of his neck, Alana decided to back off. “Ah, I was going to say this one. But really, it’s fine.” More and more she was becoming aware of how much she could be. Well, maybe she’d always known to some extent but perhaps maturity was putting her in a place to change some things. Or try to. This was one of those attempts. The last thing the brunette wanted was to force anything or anyone, or to bother them with her presence. “I shouldn’t make you part with it. It’s really amazing though.” Bottom line, she was simply a fan of talent and maybe she needed to understand not everyone wanted that celebrated. Even in small ways.

“No, tequila’s my favorite. You just eventually saw the light and decided to hop on the bandwagon” Leo teased, if only for a moment as if things between them were back to normal. As if Alana hadn’t completely torn his entire world apart. It was easier to pretend that she didn’t, that coming to Devinstone was nothing more than a blip on his radar with a new city to explore in a few months that would leave this place out of his memory. However, given her presence, he didn’t see himself being able to forget. Not the crappy bars, not the dingy apartment building of hers, and certainly not the sight before him now. Averting his gaze downward, Leo let out a small sigh. She said losing him as if that was what had happened. From where he stood, that was the furthest thing from the truth. From where he stood, she ran away. When he came back into her life, she gave him a reason to cut her out of his life. It seemed deliberate. If she lied for two years, why couldn’t she do it for a few months longer? Why couldn’t she at least grant him that singular peace? He wasn’t sure if he’d ever fully recover from the truth she expelled. Even now, despite the fact that he had accepted everything for what it was, he was nowhere near dealing with it in a healthy manner. His pill intake had gone up, the calls to Mike were becoming short enough to be texts, and the alcohol was on the border of becoming a real problem. However, Leo had always been good at hiding things. Presenting himself as a professional, as someone who didn’t break under pressure, so even now, he stood rather tall and unbothered, as if things between them were nothing but bad memories. It was supposed to be easier that way, at least that’s what he had originally thought, but standing there in front of Alana, he was beginning to second guess himself. “How can I not mean it?” Leo added as if that would solidify the feeling altogether. As much as he wanted to regret everything –– the good and the bad –– he wasn’t really sure yet. Those two years with her had changed him, made him better, losing everything meant losing a part of himself, too. As Alana went on about making amends, Leo shook his head at the idea, “I’m not interested, Alana. What’s done is done. Just let it be.” He wanted to move on from it. It was easier said than done, that much he realized quite quickly. Right now, Leo wasn’t trying to rekindle anything between them, but he also wasn’t looking to make things worse. Not that he actually thought things between them could get any worse.

It didn’t take Alana long to go on another tirade about Mike, which Leo should have seen coming the moment he mentioned his brother but somehow it had slipped right by. “Mike may be an asshole, but he’s my brother. So none of that other shit matters” It seemed like a textbook answer Alana had gotten a million times in the past and it was now seeping into their future as well. Leo might’ve been a little too loyal for his own good but that didn’t mean he didn’t agree with what Alana said. There was just no universe where he would ever go toe-to-toe with his brother over their business. It wasn’t worth losing him over. If the price of being better meant his family would disown him, then it wasn’t a price he was willing to pay. He didn’t expand on the issue since she probably knew where he stood anyway because it was where he had always stood when it came to matters of family. As much as Leo wanted to entertain the idea of them traveling together or asking her who exactly she wanted to know in jersey, he refrained. It wasn’t his business anymore. “Sorry, I’m all booked,” he said, leaving it at that. The business would no doubt lead him to a new city or back to New York and there was no time for vacationing with a ghost from his past. The idea of going back to Alana’s apartment to supervise her attempt at dinner sounded enticing, however, it would be a stupid choice, one that no doubt would leave him wanting more. There was no winning in that situation and Leo knew it, “How about I just call the fire department tonight to make sure they stop by and take care of dinner” because no doubt it’d be burned, right? At least that’s what the past would dictate but truth be told, Leo didn’t actually know and he was a little curious to see just how much her cooking skills had changed. 

Leo had never viewed Alana as broken. Not two years and not now. She looked like she had been going through a lot and given everything about her confession, he could take a guess at what, but that didn’t make her broken. It just made her human. Still, Leo didn’t wish any harm or ill will towards Alana. Mostly he was looking for closure since it seemed like it might actually benefit the both of them in the long run instead of leaving things in uncharted territory. Dropping his own basket, Leo welcomed Alana’s embrace and let his arms wrap around her small frame. It felt familiar and new all at the same time. For the first time in a long time, it felt like he could breathe again. Relaxing into her touch, it took a little too long before he came back into reality. And the reality of the situation was that the girl he loved had betrayed him and he hadn’t properly gotten over it yet. All he wanted to do was move on so that he could stop feeling so empty. Much like their relationship and everything from their past, it was time to let go –– “Sorry, I can’t make that promise” He finally said, slowly pulling away from her. 

               “You know, for someone as sharp as a tack, your memory is a little fuzzy there.” It was actually just coincidence and lucky that they both had the same preference. One of the things that had immediately made them compatible. The tease and moment of all too brief laughter felt really good. Falling back into their old nature felt like bliss for the seconds it transpired. Maybe later, once they’d both paid up and gone home, this moment would do more damage than good. But it was like an addict needing a fix. Which, a spontaneous person like Alana thrived off of, that here and now and in the moment. The brunette really didn’t know any other way to be. “Because what we had was amazing.” That was as much as she could muster to argue in return. Maybe she should have just taken her secret to the grave. When he had walked back into her life, Lana had stupidly seen it as second chance. The brunette thought she could come clean and that he would maybe see what she did for him. Never could she have imagined that a first name and location of where she had grown up would tear love away the way it had. But she could see now how quickly and easy it was for him to stop loving her. And perhaps that was the worst she’d ever experienced. With her parents, the absence had been set in at the start and gradually got worse. Anyone else that came and went out of her life, well she never truly connected with them so deeply. With Leo she was in love, this man was her soulmate, and that was ripped away too now as though she were nothing. This was why she drank so hard now, why she wanted so badly to fill her body with substances that would numb her into a barely conscious life. Just about anything was better than this pain. For some foolish reason, she thought he’d be able to look beyond the confession of the DEA case and see what was really done. Instead, Leo only heard one thing and that was all he’d allow his heart to know. Subsequently putting her as enemy one. Now she was something he had to eradicate from his life and Lana could hardly breathe knowing that. Maybe she should’ve walked away from him in Rocco’s, should’ve let the space remain after she had to leave. He never knew how badly and how many times she almost ran back to him or called him up. The man had no idea how scared she had been. Really, she could sit there screaming at the top of her lungs, bawling, that she had done it all for him. There was literally no care though. She choked on a breath in her throat and shook her head. “That can’t be it. It can’t be done.” Why the fuck couldn’t she just except that she wasn’t wanted? It wasn’t as though he was the last she had, or... was it? “You’ll...” The brunette had to strangle the cry in her throat in order to continue. “You’ll never give me a second chance, will you?” Lana supposed the last straw before surrendering and truly letting him have his life was hearing him say no. All she really had to do was look at the fact that there’d never been any fight on his side.

              “It does matter, Leo. You matter. You’re not second rate to anyone.” Then she left it alone, heart already feeling destroyed beyond recognition she knew that he’d forever be a ‘yes man’ to his brother anyway. Time and time they’d gotten into it because she saw more, and while she never suggested an overthrow, Leo should’ve been running things beside his brother not behind him. With a nod, she accepted her rejection as coolly and graciously as she could. It wasn’t as though she hadn’t been expecting the answer anyhow, so confirmation really couldn’t do much more damage. Though, Lana did take a moment to hate herself and that hopeful heart of hers. He already saw her as something to get rid of, as some curse he needed to cleanse himself of, and if that had been where he had truly gone then the brunette knew she needed to accept that there was nothing there for her. It was just hard because she had never loved someone with conditions. “Uhh, no, that’s fine.” Dark eyes now avoiding direct contact with his own, Lana shook her head some and brushed some of her long hair back behind her shoulder. “I’m not going to burn anything.” By no means was she a great cook but it went back to childhood, she knew how to survive and this was as simple as following a recipe. She had enough brain power and ability to get through that and still be somewhat confident that the end result would turn out somewhat decent.