Spooks

Eight years old was no age to die, you knew that much. Though the costumed man had taken care of the strangers that had tried to take ahold of you, you were still frightened of him. His body towered over yours, only remedied when he crouched in front of you.

"Why are you out so late?"

His deep monotonous voice bore into your mind. As your brain scrambled to make up a response, your body continued to shake. You had been conditioned to be careful of what you say - especially around adults. Warnings from your late mother constantly haunted you; dictating what you say when people ask about the state of you and your home life, lest you be taken away from her.

"I-I," your quiet voice stammered.

You swallowed. "I'm lost..." Your cautious tone and soft words barely made it out of your mouth. Your lip began to wobble when he reached a hand out to rest on your head.

"Where are your parents?"

Your eyes watered. Your quick breathing never let up and you were beginning to get lightheaded. The street lamp above the both of you buzzed, filling the silence.

Your mind struggled to form a complete sentence and ended up with a half-formed thought. "I don't have... I... No parents." They were gone and dwelling on the fact never helped how you felt. Talking about it like you were now only made you more uncomfortable.

It was hard to tell with his mask on but you swore his eyes softened.

He asked who you were living with.

"Ms. Nana, my neighbor,"

Your voice was more steady as your fight-or-flight response started dying down. When the Bat offered to walk you home after you gave him the address (engrained in your mind by your mother, who always, always worried) your shaking almost entirely went away. Traveling with the Batman meant you were traveling safe.

And safe you were. He held your hand as you walked, which you didn't mind. You felt like you could finally breathe again, knowing that even if people tried to stir up trouble, he would take care of it. Your body relaxed- shoulders slumping, eyebrows unfurrowing, and your previously cowering form no longer tensed. His presence was freeing. Being on alert was and always will be a requirement for living in Gotham. With Batman alongside you however, you had a reason to be unafraid.

When he dropped you off after Ms. Nana opened the door, you silently wish you could see him again. Feeling safe in this city is a luxury even the wealthy couldn't always afford.

Your second meeting with him didn't come as soon as you had hoped. The Batman sticks to the shadows when he can, and leaves before anyone can really talk to him.

I saw a raccoon dance with a squirrel.

it started and didn't stop until the forest was on fire

That's why I hate dancing

sure it's fun

but we need the forest.

I saw a turtle dance with a squirrel.

they danced so much that the river dried up.

That's why I hate dancing

It was like

I could almost smell the smoke again.

I knew both the sparrow and the fish

Were dancing with a squirrel.

That's why I was scared,

like I can smell the smoke again

Like I could no longer hear the lake.

They all danced so much

that our home is gone.

I'm always tired

Sleep eludes me

mocks me, makes me hurt

I am awake

dreams

scar, burn, haunt

I am awake

not for lack of trying

I need to rest

nightmares

often, clouded, haunt

I am awake

I hate sleeping

it's stupid

it's windy

coldness seeps into me

wrapping around my lungs

becoming a part of me.

Barren, abandoned looming

I remember how it was

how loud it was

booming, boss, irrational

it's quiet now.

I remember it.

The damage it caused.

Caused us.

it's stormy

rain falls onto me

stays on my skin, in my clothes,

becoming a part of me.

How quiet, how small, how healthy it is

it's no longer as scary as it was,

but the cold, the rain,

I am locked up

tall, secret, closed off

I'm surrounded by

things

but all I see

perceive, need,

is the outside.

Outside this tower

hidden away

small, scared, lost

I'm locked up

and I want the outside

it's so dangerous

scary, unfamiliar

what is familiar

is getting lost

I need to stay inside.

Shaking, breathing feeling

I get lost so easily

consequently

scared

I am always inside

I am scared to leave

I am not okay

I always get lost

Why do I bother?

I felt alone

I was confused

Nothing was right

no one was there

we were all playing a game

why did it seem like everyone was against me?

Not You.

You weren't.

Sometimes it felt like you weren't playing at all

I always assumed

It was my fault

that I lost

even if they were cheating

it's always I'm sorry

cause obviously

that means I wasn't good enough

Players would throw their dice,

sometimes at eachother,

I was always willing to lose,

you have burrowed inside me

Everything is mud.

I think of it

Everyday

I crawl back

I run

I escape

It's inside me

in a silly way

climbing, crawling, nestling

making itself home

I look for it

searching is my life.

Hiding is my home, Haven.

Escape.

I leave only to be pulled back.

I always return.

This is my life.

Everything is mud.

It's nestled in me,

in every nook and cranny

in my head

coexisting with my thoughts

wrapped around my soul

Squeezing

It crawls into my mind

takes root

A parasite I cannot remove

Cannot shake out

It stays,

It stays and festers

and grows

until it denies me myself

My independence

is no more

It is always with me,

Invisible, unkind, clenching

my heart until I burst

I stitch it back up

But the cycle continues

Hopeless? Harmless?

Everything is mud

My thoughts aren't dirt

but I couldn't tell

the sediment is all the same

The Earth keeps moving,