christin-me

I heard Tumblr is back in 2022 (!!) so I thought I’d log back in and read the posts I had written a few years back. So much has changed in my life since I last wrote - I graduated college and got my first “adult” job, got married to my wonderful husband, moved to NC then to Boston, graduated from my masters, found a church I love... and so much more in between. Despite life’s seasons and changes, the Lord’s faithfulness and grace have been constant throughout.  

Lately I’ve been feeling like I’ve hit my “quarter-life crisis” processing through whether I’m living a purpose-driven life. These past few years have proven to me that this world is fleeting and the one thing I need in life is Jesus, my forever anchor and Lord. So much healing and sanctification have happened, but at the same time the sin and selfishness inside of me tempt me to live for this world. The next big thing in life is to find the right career and, if possible, find one that’s meaningful and fulfilling. And while I’m at it, find one that pays well and guarantees a comfortable lifestyle. There’s always something after the next to live for and be motivated by. 

It’s one thing when God makes me work through my fears and insecurities with Him. But it’s another thing when I see how much of my fears and insecurities can hurt the ones around me, the people I love so deeply. 

I wish I had no scars, no hurts, no pains of the past to affect my current and future relationships. I wish life were simple like that. 

I sometimes wonder, “LORD, is this for my sanctification or is my evil hurting others?” To risk the hearts of others and still continue... is it really worth it? 

You not only hear, but you listen. Lord, you truly withhold nothing from me. When I call to you, you are near. When I pray to you, you are listening. When I cry, you wipe my tears. Even my unspoken words you already know. So often I forget the gift of simply knowing Christ as my Lord and redeemer. Knowing you is the best thing I’ve ever received in this life and promises something even better that will last for eternity.

Reading through my past posts reminds me that God has always been with me. God is faithful even in the midst of our confusion, doubt, hurt, loneliness, depression, sickness, persecution. The best gift we can ever receive from him is the promise of being with him forever. When we ask, he provides and when he provides what he promises, his presence never leaves nor fails us.

Psalm 51:7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

Hyssop was used in ceremonial cleansing in order to purify one from a defiling disease or an area from a defiling mold. Before Jesus came and shed His blood to make the ultimate sacrifice, man could not be saved from sin unless God literally chose them out of the doom of the earth for the special purpose of leading the Israelites or for prophesying. This is all because God is holy and we can not be in the presence of God unless there is reconciliation, a sacrifice that cleanses us from sin.  God’s holiness was projected onto the Israelites so much so in the Old Testament that those with defiling skin diseases were literally removed from the camp (book of Leviticus) and unless they showed signs of healing/improvement of their disease, they could not even be approached, touched or put through ceremonial cleansing through the priests. This is the extent to which God demands purity and holiness before Him. Metaphorically speaking, we can only approach the throne of grace and live in it unless we are purified from our sin and unholiness. This is why we needed Jesus to make the ultimate reconciliation, and is also the reason why we still need Him to show us, teach us and sanctify us to grow in salvation. 

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life." 1 Timothy 1:15-16 BOOM. BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM. K.O.

JESUS LOVES ME. WOOOOW. JESUS LOVES MEEEEEE AND HE IS FOR MEEEEE! 

I was listening to Tu Mirada earlier and I remembered the time when I suddenly broke down during a skit performance that I wasn't even a part of at El Porvenir. 

I got curious- Why did I break down? What was it that spoke to me and was able to touch my heart? I didn't understand any of the lyrics other than the simple/few words I was able to catch like "mirada" or "fidelidad". I looked up the lyrics just now and all I can say that God speaks to us in crazy ways. This is the Google translate version which I'm sure is not 100% accurate but God still speaks haha AMEN: 

Your eyes reveal I  Nothing I can hide  What am nothing without you  Oh, faithful Lord  All you know about me,  When you look at the heart  Everything you see  Deep inside of me  Take my life  A one truth  That when you look at me  Nothing I can hide  I know it is your faithfulness  That brings my life beyond  From what I can imagine  I know I can not deny  Let your eyes on me  I am full of your peace

This just hit me now- Jesus really had no one. Even the Son of Man had no one by His side.

Those who believed in the beginning stopped following Him, His own disciples left Him, and He died all by Himself on the Cross. His best friend, Peter, betrayed Him 3 times and one of His chosen disciples traded Him for money. 

There's definitely more than that- that is just a tiny glimpse of the loneliness that He must have felt. 

When I first understood how alone and how lonely Jesus must have felt during His life, I was upset. I was upset to find out that even His closest people were susceptible to betrayal. He didn't deserve any of these things. But then I realized that our walks with Jesus are just like this and they should mirror His life. Jesus was lonely, but He had God. We are lonely too, but we have Jesus. This may sound a little odd but loneliness, I feel, is a gift from God because in our loneliness, we look to Jesus more, we hang onto Jesus more, we love Jesus more.

"Te amo mas que a mi vida" = I love You more than my life.