run, run, lost boy

Really? How much are you worth, then? Like, net worth???? I just want to know how wrong I was about you is all; I’m someone you don’t have to worry about trying to be a gold-digger with you, obviously, my family owns like all the jewels. Being the best for now makes me almost as happy as being the best forever would be, but alas, you’re entitled to liking whoever ends up falling in love with you the most. Bo Peep? Really? So that’s the kind of girl you like, like, girls who…collect sheep? No wonder you’re still single! Sheep-collectors are rare!

I don’t know, I haven’t like asked a banker to check how much money my family would get if I died. That’s kind of sad, isn’t it? And I want to find someone who loves me for me; we can figure out the money later. You’d want to be the best forever? Because you know that means you’d have to marry me, and I’m pretty sure you Charmington girls want... well, more. At least that’s what my dad said about when he tried to woo your mom. No, no, she doesn’t have to be! She can be whatever makes her happy -- Jessie was a cool girl, too, I’m not ruling out cowgirls!

Appreciating them as a whole is a mistake, and appreciating one in specific proves to be a mistake too, and avoidance is suiting me fine, thank you very much. You’re definitely “nicer” than average - I think it’s what girl’s call ‘sweet’? - but even that’s subjective. Yes, no, that was a, um, grammatical error. Adam and his choice are very happy together and that’s what makes it fortunate, yes. Ah yes, because chaos and the Lost Boys don’t automatically mesh together. I don’t know what the respect of ruffians really counts for, frankly; it’s not as though the LBs are contributing to society in any way.

That’s not true, you just gotta find the right one! And everyone’s got something to appreciate about them, just like you can find something about every dude if you look hard enough. Uh... are you sure, man? You’re acting kinda suspicious, and if you ever need a bro who’s not your actual bro to listen, I’m happy to volunteer. That’s how i got to be second in command of the Lost Boys, I was the listener, so like I solved fights and stuff. Whaaaat? Dude, you’re just not looking at them the right way; they’re definitely contributing, they keep themselves active and find adventures and keep people young at heart.

Psshh, laws hardly matter when you’re rich, which I’m sure you’ll figure out someday when/if you marry up the food chain. Of course I’m right! I’m kind of a girl genius, being one - you can ask for advice whenever you want, Christian, I kind of adore a project and you’re so sweet! People are usually way suckier at taking my advice, like they take it personally or something that I’m better than them and always right. Eeeehhhh, I don’t know anything about organs or anything, ew, but I think it’s lungs that we have more than one of? Don’t quote me on that. Scissors for sheep aren’t scissors, though! They’re a less sharp edge and depend more on direction than on sharpness or force; it’ll look cute, you’ll see! Unless of course you don’t want a Bo Peep someday.

I don’t need to be rich to be happy, although you’d be kind of surprised. Dad saved up like all his allowances growing up since he didn’t have a girlfriend to take on dates and spend his money on, and the two of us mostly just cost food and videogame money. And Aunt Melanie and Uncle Trevor feed me a lot of the time, too. Why would they take it personally? If you’re better, you’re better. Somebody out there has to be the best -- I personally think it’s my future wife but I don’t know her  yet, so you can have the title for now if it makes you happy. Well, I mean, we also have more than one of other stuff but it’s not polite to talk about those in mixed company. BO PEEP IS SUCH A WOMAN CRUSH WEDNESDAY, you picked the right day to talk abut my cartoon girlfriend.

If you say so, Christian. I was calling you the girl-crazy brain, actually, for sake of clarification - I’m sure you’re not more girl-crazy than the average guy our age, but I don’t actually talk to most guys our age so it’s hard to know for sure. What a relief it must be to forget my brother. Adam and Pandora are still very much together, unfortunately. He chose a good one, and if he’s as smart as he pretends to be, I’m sure my brother will hold on to her as long as possible. Do you live fairly close to your cousins? I always imagined the Darling-Pans and the Darlings in adjoining treehouse situations, to be honest. Not to badmouth your favorite, but I’ve gone to school with him all my life and he just…reeks of fake confidence. And if it’s real, that’s even worse.

Girls are awesome, you’re missing out by not appreciating them more. I hope I’m not like the average guy our age, though; I’ve heard locker room talk and dad told me to respect a lady more than that. Unfortunately? I’m kinda confused, dude, you said he chose a good one and those two words don’t really match up great. Yeah, we live in the backyard. Not literally, there’s a fence, but I can climb it to get to their house when I want to. There’s also a gate but going through that is less fun. Sherbert’s got to be confident if he wants the other Lost Boys to respect him, otherwise like, chaos, man.

I think that’s a different sort of cradle-robbing, actually - stealing babies is a big no-no, but dating with an age gap? Nothing wrong with that so long as everyone’s consenting! Everyone says boys take FOREVER to mature so it’s no surprise that sophisticated gals prefer to spring for the ripened models. You seem to be on the right path to being ripe and not embarrassing, you’re at least cognizant of what things girls don’t like, which is nice. My parents need their livers, too! They’re not just going to give away themselves all willy-nilly, even if anyone would be lucky to have their beautiful organs; this isn’t the Rainbow Fish! Scissors really do work the best, Christian, but hmm… maybe thinning shears? They’re kind of like scissors but take off less hair at a time so we can work through it, though if you ask me, hacking it off at once is a lot less scary. Less suspense.

I’m pretty sure there’s a law that says otherwise, at least up until a certain age, but when you’re 18 you could be my mommy! Or Calista can be, I guess. Thanks, though, I hope you’re right. If I’m ever bad at knowing what girls like, you can correct me again, I like learning, and I don’t feel dumb when people try to make me more woke. Not when they die! But you’re right, for now they need them. I should have said kidney, isn’t that the one people only need one of? I loved that book as a kid! I always wanted to be friends with the Rainbow Fish, but I wouldn’t have made him give me a scale if he felt weird without them. ARen’t those just scissors for sheep? Baaaaaaaaaaaa.

Okay, you totally missed the metaphor, and also ew. Don’t they have washing machines over in Neverland? That’s disgusting, no offense - I’m sure you’re trying your hardest, or whatever it is people say to excuse themselves after calling someone else disgusting. People call people stuff all the time, I’d be naive to think no one still called my dads the Gay Kings, but it’s good to know they have positive reviews from one girl-crazy brain at least. I suppose Adam’s showing his appreciation for our dads’ villain initiative with his choice of romantic interest too, so it’s not uncommon. Cousins aren’t the same as brothers and sisters. You have to live with brothers and sisters, it’s impossible to like someone you’re forced to cohabitate with. I guess it’s nice that you have them, though? Moonshine might be my favorite of the bunch of you, actually, but that might just also be because I hate Sherbert and so his least favorite is automatically on my good side.

It’s not gross, I swear. I only ever wear it for a few hours before I get a chance to get home and change, but that would be an embarrassing few hours otherwise. Oh yeah? Cool, who gave them such a good review? Right, I forgot he and Pandora were still together, in the halls at school I only ever see her with Cupcake and Phillip, since Adam’s not there I just kinda forgot. We go visit so much it almost feels like we’re brothers and sisters, it’s lonely when I have to go home at the end of the night instead. Why do you hate Sherbs? I love that guy, I’m so glad he lets me stay his second in command.

It’s kind of like how flaws show up more easily against a blank canvas, I guess - Auradon is supposed to be the happiest place on Earth, and everyone’s sooo perfect and happy always, that when something’s bad? It sticks out like a sore thumb. As the son of the Gay Kings, I feel like I have to point out that not being homophobic isn’t exactly progressive, but good for you, if that’s something you’re into. Don’t be dramatic, I don’t hate them. We’re just very different people. Nothing in common. If you had siblings, you’d get it - sharing a family doesn’t mean you’re automatically friends.

Uh... no, that’s not how it works at all, I wear black shirts all the time because it’s way harder to find dirt of barbecue sauce on them. Do people still call your dads that? I think of him as the cool guy who gave the villain kids another chance -- I mean, Reese is like the prettiest girl ever and she wouldn’t exist if VK’s had never come to Auradon, gotta love that. I have seven cousins, they’re kinda like brothers and sisters, and I love them all automatically. Even Moonshine -- don’t listen to Sherbert, she’s a pretty rad little kid.

I live to surprise! But no, I’m not in the market to be anyone’s step-mom, especially not to someone older than me, and besides, your Dad isn’t my type. He is a little old. Calista seems like she’d appreciate his “maturity” more than I would. Whenever you do get a step-mom, though, remember that ‘taking off your shoes’ thing, it’ll keep you from being an embarrassment. What? No, they don’t donate their organs, they donate money and jewels! Not all of it, duh, we’ve gotta stay rich, but enough to help the needy and ugly. I would love to give you a makeover, actually! Haircut would be priority number one, and if you trust me, I think I could snip off that growing tail with little to no incident.

If you’re sure. I promise I’d be a super well-behaved step-nephew if your twin and my dad ever hook up, although that might be considered cradle-robbing and everyone told us that Lost Boys aren’t allowed to continue that tradition, we have to recruit people the real way instead of stealing them out of strollers now. You think I’m embarrassing? Come on, I’m just a regular guy. If you think I’m bad you’re gonna have to wait til we’re all like 30 to find a guy who’s gentleman-ly enough to earn your love. Oh. Uh, that stuff’s nice too! I’d probably rather have a new liver if I ever needed one than a jewel, but different strokes for different folks. Can you cut it off without using scissors? Like... I don’t know, with something less scary?

Aw man, the three amazing dancer girls?

F: @fairygodmariah.M: @sherwoodreese, she’s really nice.K: @starletolivia. She kinda scares  me.

Hey, no one’s saying your dad isn’t adorable. If I were his age and he had any semblance of a crown, I’d set Calista up with him in a second! And being single isn’t a bad thing, it’s just not my destiny is all, and I’ll take whichever steps necessary to avoid that. Being alone sounds soooo boring. Inner beauty is totally a real thing, of course! It’s like how my parents donate some to charity every once in a while, because they’re great people! But if your bait isn’t shiny, no one’s gonna bite and get to see that inner-beauty up close and personal. You should know! You have some serious potential. With a makeover, you’d be quite the lady-killer. Or man-killer, I don’t know what you’re into.

Woah, that took a turn down an alley I didn’t know existed, what a wild ride. Why blondie and not you, do you not think it would be cool to be my step-mom? I’d even start taking my shoes off before I came in the house, dad said girls like it when you don’t track mud into the house. Woah, your parents are organ donors? That’s way generous, I didn’t expect that. You want to give me a makeover? Is it my hair? Margarita said it was starting to look like a rat-tail thing in the back, but cutting it’s hard, dude, I’m scared of the scissors.

‘Grumpy’ isn’t the right word. I’m just observant. And I’m not “ragging” on your dad, I’m ragging on his methods. He should teach you to be your own person for yourself, not for some potential girl someday. Separate the artist and the art, Christian. If it soothes your feelings at all, I’m way more critical of my own family than I am of yours. Those comments are just kept off the Internet.

I’m sticking with grumpy. You can observe and find the good stuff, man, but it seems like you’re only looking for the bad. He said it doesn’t have to be a girl, it can be a guy too, he’s open-minded like that. You are? Dang, your bro and sis are cool kiddos, what did they do to deserve you and your haterade?

So what, you’re expected to keep your time free just in case someday some girl demands too much of it and you don’t want to disappoint her by being your own person and having your own priorities? Wow, and I thought my dads were bad, but yours’s views on love make my parents look like scientists or something.

Wow, you’re harshing on my mellow, bro-han! You’re kind of a grumpy guy, huh? If you wanna diss me and my methods, go for it, but like, ragging on my dad? Low blow, Prince Archie, low blow. Do you do that to everybody’s family or just mine?

No offense, but I wouldn’t take your dad’s advice on how to find love. I mean, hello, he’s old and lonely. In fact, him saying you don’t have to be prettiest just reaffirms that being the prettiest is what it’s all about. It’s not even about love for me, not really. It would be a nice bonus, but being the most beautiful in any room I’m in? Being so beautiful that everyone automatically cares what you think and feel and say? That’s true goals right there.

Yo, why’s everybody in this kingdom gotta give my dad such a hard time? It’s not like he’s the only single parent in the universe, and he does this sweet hair flip thing that makes me wonder how all the ladies weren’t in love with him. I think you’ve gotta be beautiful on the inside, just like the dad-man, but maybe somebody’ll notice you’re pretty first and then realize you’re also cool? That could be how it works I guess.