Tell Me A Dad Joke

i am a forehead kiss hoe…. give me all the forehead kisses in the world. come on. i’m ready. 

the amount of gay shit i can’t do because i don’t have local gay pals is astounding

me, going anywhere: i hope i meet another lesbian

help, my wife got wine drunk and tried to set our marriage certificate on fire, saying “good luck trying to return me without the receipt”

He got mad as helllll

no other person on this planet was made for you, they were made for themselves. love is all about choices. no one is going to be perfect for you, and i think we need to stop raising everyone on the belief that someone out there, just one other person in the whole world, was “made for you” because it isn’t true. no one is made for you, besides you. other people belong to themselves. if you want to make it work with someone, it’s about hard work, understanding, compassion, communication, and choice

one day you’ll wake up at 9:30am on a Sunday w the love of ur life and you’ll make some coffee and pancakes and it’ll all be alright

yeah you’re cute but will you lay in bed all day with me watching documentaries and conspiracy theories

Concept: sleepy kisses in the dark, smiling against your lips.

inside your body is PITCH BLACK your cells do all of that in the DARK

self care is swallowing lit matches every 5 minutes so that ur cells can see whatever the fuck they’re doing in there