My heart is broken. A 17 year old transgender girl named Leelah has committed suicide, mostly due to her religious parents. She felt like there was no other way out. She left a suicide note online, by scheduling the post on Tumblr. It was posted a few hours after her death. Please take the time to read her suicide note and let her words sink in. The worst part about this is, even after her death, her parents refuse to acknowledge who she was and what really happened. Leelahās mother posted online that her āson was hit by a truck.ā This makes me want to cry and scream. The only good thing about this is that Leelah was able to defy her parents and leave her legacy behind by scheduling her note to automatically post on Tumblr. I hope her death will not be in vain. I hope that one day everyone will be accepted regardless of their gender or sexual orientation. I hope that these sorts of things will one day be taught in schools, so that not one more child will take their own life thinking that who they are is wrong and that they will never be happy. According to The Trevor Project, nearly half of young trans* people have seriously thought about taking their lives, and one quarter report having made a suicide attempt. THIS IS NOT OKAY. Trans* lives matter.
You can read Leelahās suicide note below.
If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue.
Please donāt be sad, itās for the better. The life I wouldāve lived isnāt worth living inā¦ because Iām transgender. I could go into detail explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boyās body, and Iāve felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew there was a word for that feeling, nor was it possible for a boy to become a girl, so I never told anyone and I just continued to do traditionally āboyishā things to try to fit in.
When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was. I immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesnāt make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please donāt tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people donāt ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That wonāt do anything but make them hate them self. Thatās exactly what it did to me.
My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help.
When I was 16 I realized that my parents would never come around, and that I would have to wait until I was 18 to start any sort of transitioning treatment, which absolutely broke my heart. The longer you wait, the harder it is to transition. I felt hopeless, that I was just going to look like a man in drag for the rest of my life. On my 16th birthday, when I didnāt receive consent from my parents to start transitioning, I cried myself to sleep.
I formed a sort of a āf*** youā attitude towards my parents and came out as gay at school, thinking that maybe if I eased into coming out as trans it would be less of a shock. Although the reaction from my friends was positive, my parents were pissed. They felt like I was attacking their image, and that I was an embarrassment to them. They wanted me to be their perfect little straight christian boy, and thatās obviously not what I wanted.
So they took me out of public school, took away my laptop and phone, and forbid me of getting on any sort of social media, completely isolating me from my friends. This was probably the part of my life when I was the most depressed, and Iām surprised I didnāt kill myself. I was completely alone for 5 months. No friends, no support, no love. Just my parentās disappointment and the cruelty of loneliness.
At the end of the school year, my parents finally came around and gave me my phone and let me back on social media. I was excited, I finally had my friends back. They were extremely excited to see me and talk to me, but only at first. Eventually they realized they didnāt actually give a s**t about me, and I felt even lonelier than I did before. The only friends I thought I had only liked me because they saw me five times a week.
After a summer of having almost no friends plus the weight of having to think about college, save money for moving out, keep my grades up, go to church each week and feel like s**t because everyone there is against everything I live for, I have decided Iāve had enough. Iām never going to transition successfully, even when I move out. Iām never going to be happy with the way I look or sound. Iām never going to have enough friends to satisfy me. Iām never going to have enough love to satisfy me. Iām never going to find a man who loves me. Iām never going to be happy. Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself. Thereās no winning. Thereās no way out. Iām sad enough already, I donāt need my life to get any worse. People say āit gets betterā but that isnāt true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.
Thatās the gist of it, thatās why I feel like killing myself. Sorry if thatās not a good enough reason for you, itās good enough for me. As for my will, I want 100% of the things that I legally own to be sold and the money (plus my money in the bank) to be given to trans civil rights movements and support groups, I donāt give a s**t which one. The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people arenāt treated the way I was, theyāre treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say āthatās f***ed upā and fix it. Fix society. Please.
Please reblog this post to raise awareness and share Leelahās story.
If youāre thinking about suicide, you can get immediate help - please call the Trevor Lifeline at 866-488-7386.
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