To my fellow Shawols
This post is about a dream I recently had just the other night about Jonghyun, I just wanted to share it with you. It’s gonna be a long one.
So I don’t know what everyone believes in dreams, if you think they’re premonitions, the world trying to tell us something or whatever, but this one hit me really hard, which is why I wanted to share it with you.
It started with me being asked to work on a set for a movie, which I took up and I was placed at a desk in a white room, there was a camera to my left and one to the right of the doorway, a length away directly opposite me, people would come into my office to drop things at my desk or ask me for things, I must have been a secretary in this film or something. I don’t remember any of those people.
The only one I remember distinctly was Jonghyun, who walked in, stopped about a quarter of the way into the room, looked at me for a while, and as soon as I acknowledged he was there, by raising an eyebrow at him or smiling he just wordlessly walked away.
He did this about 3 times.
He was dressed head to toe in a white suit and had blonde hair in this dream.
After this it cuts to a pre-screening of the movie at an open air cinema, I’m the only one there, the director and a couple of other staff were a few rows behind me, next thing I know, Jonghyun walks in (still in that same suit) and comes and sits next to me. I turn to look at him as he sits down, we make eye contact. I smile. He freezes, stands up and hurriedly leaves.
At this point my alarm goes off, I sleeping wake up, not thinking about the dream, go on my phone for 10 mins but end up falling asleep again.
Its crazy but it’s like I never was awake for that time as I’m straight back into that dream. Now I’m stood there in a golden dress in the doorway of this huge ballroom, I round the corner and come face to face with Jonghyun.
The dream is so vivid, so extremely vivid. I remember clearly being able to see all his fine blonde hairs, his eyelashes, the tiny pores on his nose and the small moles he has. I remember looking into his eyes and feeling this overwhelming sense of warmth and love and thinking how beautiful they were, so deep and warm and real.
He was still wearing his white suit, and was stood next to the other members of SHINee who were talking amongst themselves. I don’t know why I didn’t speak to him. I think I was shy. He made me feel weird, I was so strangely drawn to him in this dream in a way I can’t even begin to describe. Even though I was in a room full of people his was the only presence I could feel. I held eye contact with him as I walked off to talk to people.
Even when I was stood at the other side of the room talking with people I wasn’t listening to them much, I was just so compelled to look in his direction. Whenever I did he was strolling around, looking at the people in the room and smiling contently.
I was stood talking to Amber at one point and some other people, she mentioned that SHINee only ever performed in black now. I glanced over at the four members stood against the wall, dressed head to toe in black suits. I frown and glance at Jonghyun who is wearing white. I don’t say anything. I make eye contact with him. I smile. Finally, he smiles back.
I begin to make way towards him, feeling his presence drawing me in, but then it’s announced that SHINee will be performing and I get lost in the commotion. The four members make their way to the stage and it isn’t long before they begin singing a ballad. My focous was still on Jonghyun, who had made his way through the crowd with ease, beaming with pride as he stood infront of the stage at the side, looking up at them. My heart swelled. I didn’t even question why he wasn’t on stage with them. Everything felt so in place, like he wasn’t even missing from that performance. Because I could see him plain as day. He was watching them with so much admiration and love, and pure happiness on his features, like that was his place all along.
I woke up from that dream feeling so happy and warm inside from that feeling of his presence, and how it made my heart swell and I started thinking about SHINee and how much I loved them and Jonghyun and that’s when reality hit me.
He’s not here any more.
That dream made it seem like he was still here with us, and whilst I was in that dream he was so real and so alive.
But thats when the whole thing clicked into place. Why he got flustered and ran away everytime I acknowledged him, why no one was speaking to him at that ball, why Amber didn’t mention his white attire, and why he wasn’t on stage with the members. Because no one else could see him or feel his presence.
Because even in the dream he wasn’t really there.
I went completely cold, and broke down in tears for a full twenty minutes.
No matter what you think of dreams this one really shook me up. It was such a comforting presence I felt, like he’s still with us.
And maybe that’s because he is.
He’s always here, watching over his shawol’s and admiring us from afar.
He’s always watching over his members, being so proud and loving of them.
But most importantly, He’s happy.
