Of Desire and Conscience

Sigh

I wrote a long post 3 times. And it disappeared. I am growing numb each time. I pour my heart and soul only to be killed off by the stabbing of my journalistic heart by this stupid App.

In summary. I’m tired of crying in my sleep. I have no control over my dreams. And I dream of the loss of a significant other. Not THE significant other, but A. I empathize with Humbert Humbert. He feared constantly. Tormented. By the possibility of losing his beloved Lolita. Not through death or Authority, but losing her through her own admission. He fears that she would run away with someone her age, someone fun, and leave him with nothing but a broken heart. He is desperate to be acknowledged, to be appreciated, to be truly loved. And he fears that Lolita will never see how much he truly loved her.

As do I. I fear that the people I choose to pursue, always never see the positivity in being in a relationship with me. That they will always see beauty in some other soul. Never giving me the opportunity to show how devoted I can be, how amazing I can be. The idea that I invest so much of my time, money and especially emotions on someone, but in the end, having that someone choose somebody else, over something so trivial as juvenile lifestyle, kills me. I want nothing more than to be acknowledged, to be appreciated, to be depended on by that one person. I’m tired of trying. My actions and emotions have to be reciprocated, otherwise it kills me off little by little. I don’t know how to do things anymore. I’m confused. I'm lost. I can’t be the one to make the moves all the time, it only makes things look like that person isn’t interested at all.

In the end, my silence might be perceived as an act of moving on, of being jaded, when it is actually just plain sadness.

Dear baby girl, 

I love you so much, I hope you believe me. No, I don't get annoyed when you ask me why I love you and stuff like that. It gives me the opportunity to convince you again and again.

With all that's happened in recent weeks, I have to say that I'm trying really hard. Trust is a big issue for me. I'm constantly having to fend off these poisonous thoughts in my head. Most times I force myself not to look into your phone or facebook, because it's wrong. Even if I do and don't find anything, my worry still haunts me with thoughts like "she could've deleted her msgs. She's deleted everything you said anyway." urrrgghhh... it sucks to feel that way... Usually it is a losing battle, but with you by my side, showering me with kisses and hugs, it's a fight I can win. 

Please be patient honey. I don't want to sound unreasonable. I can go in depth on how and why I feel a certain way, but it'd be redundant. We were 'that kind of guy' and 'that kind of girl'. But I hope our pinkie promises mean a lot and go a long way. 

All that's important now is that I want to trust you, and, love you forever. 

You are special to me. I hope you believe that. Understand that.  You are VERY special to me.

Whatever the future holds for us, let us be holding hands in love to face it.

Baby love, today is your birthday, and I hope you have a lot of fun, gifts and love from everyone. 

I hope you enjoyed the things I got you. It's not the most lavish of gifts, but I tried my best. I'm sorry it didn't come with a card though, because the things I wanted to say, wouldn't fit in a tiny little card. 

So let me take this time to tell you how I feel.

Firstly, I apologize if I have ever hurt you. I never meant to. I will try my very best to keep your heart happy and loving, for me.

You have been great honey. I appreciate every thing you've ever done for me. You picked me up from a bad place and kept me going all this time. I love every single moment I spend with you and I hope these moments will continue to come for the rest of my life. 

You are a kind and gentle soul, one of the most positive people I've ever met. Please continue to be that light in everyone's life, and especially mine.

I know we're going through a tough time right now but I promise that I am working very hard to get us back on that horse. Our happiness means the world to me. YOUR happiness means the world to me. I try everyday honey, please be patient with me as I try to forgive you, forgive myself, to trust you, and to trust myself all over again. I love you so much and I really wanna make this work. 

In light of recent events, please do not think that I only asked you to be my girlfriend just because another guy was threatening to take you away from me. No. In my mind, you have ALWAYS been my girlfriend. It's just that, I sucked at letting you know it. But you made me love you baby and I promised to treat you special. And I WILL. 

You do not have to do much to make me happy honey. Just being around you brings a smile to my face. Your hugs ease my pain. Your kisses erase my frowns. When you talk to me, I feel comfort. Holding your hand gives me confidence. I only ask one thing of you honey. And I'm sorry to have to say this over and over again. But. Please be good to me honey. It hurt so much when I knew you weren't, and I don't want that to ever happen again. Just be good to me. I will be good to you. I promise. My heart aches every time you're not around, and I worry my fragile little heart will get crushed. But I trust you baby, and that is the only thing I can ever ask from you. To be good to me. 

I long for your hugs and kisses. I hope we can work through our differences and be the coolest, most loving couple in the world. May our love for each other guide us into the future, into dark and scary territories, of unreasonable moms, and diverse religion. I am as scared as you might be, but I won't think of it for now. I hope we will not have to worry about any of that, ever, and be hopelessly in love, and devoted to each other forever.

Today was such an eventful day, one that I wish would never happen again.  Do you understand where I'm coming from now baby? And how it truly feels worse than how you feel about me and that girl? 

Your actions did not only show signs of intimacy, but also of adoration, and gleeful anticipation. 

But I hope it's behind us now. I will try as much as you, I hope, to make things right again. I want to get all those bad thoughts out of my head. I want to trust you again. I really do. 

Thank you honey for apologizing, and showing some form of remorse over what has happened. And also for understanding.

Please be patient with me the next few days, as I might seem distant, or cold, or sad, or angry. That being said, my aim at the end of it all, is for us to be happy. I want to have zero doubts about you, and at this point in time, it might take a while. 

Hang on baby. I'll be there soon. 

I really do love you. 

Why baby, why? Why did you do this to me? You betrayed my trust. How could you? Especially after you asked me to not do such things to you. I OBEYED. I wanted the best for us, and so I didn't do the things that would get you hurt. Even though, there was honestly nothing going on. I would've done anything for us. We had a relationship going, a relationship that in all honesty, YOU initiated. You confessed your love for me, and convinced me that loving you, and ONLY you was the right thing to do. 

You promised me that you would get me back on my feet, care for me, protect my feelings, LOVE me. Instead, I find you doing this? WHY BABY WHY?!?!?!

I really love you, you know. I tell you that everyday. I tell myself that everyday. I know we're not meant to last, but this is not what I had in mind. Not like this, not this soon. Especially not after what you told me.

You told me how much it hurt if I was texting other people, how you rage in silence when she stands close to me, how your heart aches when her hand brushes mine. And although I have made it clear, that it wasn't even flirting, I decided to back away, to try and avoid causing you hurt. 

How could you? 

How could you share such intimate thoughts, possibly actions, and definitely activities, with another man like that. He's not even a man yet. How could you churn out multiple smiley faces at the chance to ride home in his car? How could you giggle at the suggestion of you two being together, and being right for each other? And how could you, no, how DARE you, tell me that I shouldn't be jealous, because that gentlemanly act of sending you home is the one and only time you went out with him? Yet, you've met him numerous other times. And to hear about you being spotted with that guy, is so heart wrenching. 

Who is this guy? Why don't you tell me? 

And nope, I am not miserable after discovering your texts to our friend, who so blatantly conspired to keep such adulterous details from me. I've been miserable long before this. Every day, I come to school late, not because I stay up to play games, or to do work. I come late because I wake up late, because I couldn't sleep. Because all I think about is you, and what you have been up to with this lame excuse for a dude.

And why do I do that? Why do I torture myself with such thoughts?

Think about it, you tell me he's your best friend, yet you speak of him so regularly only in recent months. Nothing before that. I know nothing of him. If it was your other best friends, sure, you've spoken about them tons of times. Not only that, their faces are planted all over your facebook, your twitter, your instagram, further cementing the notion that they're best friends. But this guy? Invisible, man. Not even one picture of you to together. How can a best friend, be so invisible?

And I don't want to talk about your phone, but I have to. You're always on it. Even when you're with me, going out for lunch, or whatever, always checking on that small little black box, then tucking it away as quickly as you pick it up. But all the time, trying to look casual, as if nothing was wrong. And I don't look through your messages okay? I don't. I've never. But you, you went through mine, and I didn't mind it. I let you vent your frustration at me, but I never once hid my stuff. Why? Because I have nothing to hide. What I say is the truth. Always has been. And that truth is/was I LOVE YOU. I don't know what to think now. Let's wait till tomorrow. 

So you lent me your phone. Best friend right? I looked through your messages this time, I admit, and I apologize, sorta. But, best friend right? How come your best friend, doesn't appear in any of your messages? Your WhatsApp? Nothing. It's as if he never chatted with you. No SMSes even. Could it be that you deleted the whole conversation JUST before handing the phone over to me? Well, maybe you did. But if you love me, and quote "7billion people in the world and you love me", and he's just a friend, why hide the conversation? Why throw away everything you've ever said to each other? You save everybody else's messages. All your other best friends are in that archive. But why not his? He calls you a lot though. And Vice Versa. And they're not short calls either, 30 min calls everytime. 

It's torturing me baby. I've been living with these questions in agony the past few months.  And since I couldn't get your ''BEST FRIEND'S'' messages, I looked through the rest. Guess what I found? EVERYTHING I SAID IN THE 6TH PARAGRAPH.

How dare you? And you wonder why I frown all the time. Why I am so stressed, and depressed all the time. And no wonder, you try even harder to make me feel better. It's all out of guilt. Well congratulations, you're guilty. And to top it all off, I've never done any of this to you. I've never willingly chatted up another girl, just to get myself off. Or send little hearts in my messages. Or gleefully smile at the thought of having that person send me home, or look right for me. I have never.

Your talk to me during the holidays, convinced me that I should care for you, your feelings. That I shouldn't betray your trust. That I shouldn't make the mistakes that I made before. That I should be righteous. You convinced me, baby. You convinced me that I SHOULD LOVE YOU. And I did. Everyday. 

When I go out, and meet all the people I miss, my friends, they always ask me who I am with now. And I don't tell them I'm banging this young chinese chick. I don't. I tell them I am WITH this amazing young girl, who has the mind of a poet, and a heart of gold. I am proud of being with you. I tell everyone how much I love you. It sucks that I still have to keep it a secret from certain people(your mom), but if I could, I would hold your hand everywhere I went, even to your house.

I love you a lot. You have done a lot for me. Do you not believe when I say, I only want you? And that there's nobody else? Have my actions, and words, not made that clear? I want to be with you everyday, every moment. To wake up next to that beautiful smile, to caress that head of hair when you're tired, to have you rest on my chest as you try to fall asleep, and hold your hand as we walk into the future to talk about endless nothings. I love every minute I spend with you. And everyday, I try to be the best person a man can be. You're my girlfriend. Nothing less. 

So why? Why do you do this to me? What have I done wrong? What do I lack? How is this guy better than me? 

I will keep my heart open, for a couple of more days. I hope by tomorrow, you will be able to mend it, for this heart has broken enough. No more can it take the never ending shatter that comes with this stupid thing I reluctantly try to cling on to. Love.

So I was listed to receive an award in my college for Outstanding Academic Achievement.  A rare feat, considering all I've ever done in my life was lose money, owe money, get fined, get arrested, get drunk, get into fights, get depressed, get laid.  I was gonna skip the whole damn thing. I thought it'd be a waste of time. I was already in town and on my way for some one on one time with my League of Legends champion. But I thought, what the heck, they wanna honor me for something, so let's just go. I really wanted to just stay in town to play games. The only reason I came back was not for the certificate, I came back to go up on stage, to have my name announced, to have people cheer for me, because finally in my life, I did something right. I achieved something and people are acknowledging my efforts. God knows how long I have failed in this life. I wanted recognition because I never got any official recognition or award EVER. Even my birthdays sucked. And do you know how old I am compared to the rest of those ignorant young twats? The one time I get appreciated, you people go and screw up the moment. The moment has gone. That paper is meaningless to me. I never wanted the paper. That's why I was so angry. I was sad. Frustrated. They screwed up the moment. My moment. You can take that piece of paper and shove it up your ass. 

So tell me again how having my name left out after standing in line (in front of a whole hall of students) to receive an award, is MY fault? Defend your students all you want, I have my reasons for being angry. You can't stop me or apprehend me for being angry.