Chingu Writings

“You’re right… there’s no sure guarantee that this will help, but you won’t know until you try. And just a reminder, but you’re your own person too though, hyung. If the conversation isn’t going the way you want, you can always bring up the topic yourself and tell him about how you’ve been feeling about it.”

“Did you not hear anything I just said?! I’m going to be a complete nervous wreck out of sheer anticipation of what Chan is going to say! How do you expect me to even begin to bring up the topic first?!”

“You just have to—”

Just as Jisung began to speak, he was interrupted by Changbin’s phone ringing and to no surprise, the caller ID revealed that it was none other than the devil himself, Chan.

“It’s him!” he panicked checking the time which read 8:51, “He’s early!”

“Well, answer it!” Jisung urged.

As he swiped his thumb over the screen to accept the call, he cleared his throat and held his phone up to his ear, “... H-hello…?”

“Hey, Changbin, I’m outside.”

“Yeah, um… o-okay, I’ll be right there…” Changbin stuttered before hanging up, his face now pale as he looked at Jisung expectantly, “What do I do?!”

“Changbin,” Jisung stated firmly and placed his hands on the older boy’s shoulders, “Just be yourself. Don’t be afraid to let down your walls, okay?  The longer you hide, the more the burden will weigh on you.”

“The last time I let my walls down with him, I got screwed over.”

“He called you to talk, not to fuck. If he doesn’t have a good reason for what he did, he’s not even worth it… for either of us.  Okay? It’s nothing to worry about, you got this!” 

Changbin didn’t completely agree, but with his brain starting to malfunction,  he ran out of things to say as Jisung walked him to the front door. Giving Changbin a quick pat on the back, Jisung retreated to his room so the two could be alone and talk freely with each other. Changbin hesitated to unlock the door, the sound of his heart pounding in his ears as his hand hovered over the lock. With one last deep breath, he finally willed himself to unlock the door and pull it open, instant butterflies filling his stomach as he came face to face with his longtime crush.

“Hey,” Chan greeted with a feigned smile.

Changbin, still void of words, greeted him with a simple bow of his head before stepping aside to let him into the small dwelling. He led him silently to the couch where they sat awkwardly for a few minutes, not looking at each other nor exchanging any words, that is until Chan finally broke the ice.

“How are you?” he asked abruptly, his voice not filled with his usual confidence, but his tone had some life to it nevertheless, “Or how’ve you been? Jisung told me you were sick a few days ago.”

“How do you think I’ve been?” Changbin replied, a little harsher than Chan expected.

“I’m sorry,” he answered with his head hung in defeat.

“For?”

“Everything.”

“Wow, such an ‘authentic’ apology.”

“Changbin…” Chan whined under his breath, cupping his face into his hands as he figured out how to carry on the conversation. Though he should’ve, he hadn’t really thought about what exactly he was going to say to Changbin and he also hadn’t considered how Changbin was going to react throughout the whole situation. He wasn’t sure if it was the best idea, but on a whim, he decided to just get straight to the point. No amount of small talk could make the situation less uncomfortable than it already was and he just wanted to get the weight off his shoulders as soon as he could. The elephant in the room was becoming far too unbearable  so after a long silence, Chan spoke again, “Do you regret it?”

Of all things for Chan to say, that was the last thing Changbin was expecting, so he sat bewildered for a second, wondering what it was Chan was trying to get out of such a question. “...Do you?” he replied and for the first time during their entire awkward exchange, he turned to look at Chan.

“I asked first.”

Letting out a disappointed sigh, Changbin answered, “No, I don’t.”

“Damn… I had a feeling you’d say that, but still, ever since that night I refused to believe that you didn’t.”

“Why?” Changbin furrowed his eyebrows.

“Because… I do,” Chan scoffed, shaking his head, “I regret that I did something so careless and irresponsible as your leader, and I regret that I let my feelings get so out of check that I just… slept with you.”

Changbin felt hurt hearing that he and Chan had differing feelings about their night together, though he understood his point. He knew that being an idol and particularly, being the leader of an idol group was no joke, and the responsibility that came with it was gruesome. It’s a big title to uphold and any issues or scandals, especially ones involving relationships, could mean bad news for not only him, but the whole group… the company even. 

“When you say feelings…” Changbin started, a little hesitant to continue, but his curiosity prodded him enough to resume, “Do you mean that… you liked me? Or do you just mean wanting to have sex with me?”

“I wouldn’t have wanted to have sex with you if I didn’t like you, Changbin,” Chan stated matter-of-factly, though, a hint of surprise was burried in his tone, “Did you think I just initiated that for fun?”

“You sure as hell made it seem that way…” Changbin trailed off, “Did you really have to go and ignore me afterwards? Why couldn’t you have just talked to me back then and told me that as the leader, you weren’t comfortable getting involved in a relationship? I would’ve understood.”

“I honestly don’t know, I’m sorry, Changbin, really. I made a lot of dumb decisions at the time because in the spur of the moment, the guilt was eating me alive and I just logically couldn’t think of the right thing to do. Part of me knew I’d be hurting you, but for some reason, I felt that avoiding you was the only way to get over what happened. But then the guilt of hurting you  started adding on to the guilt of everything else, so after a while, with so much weight piling up, I just ended up ignoring everything, my feelings included. I let myself grow numb to all the pain, and initially, the ignorance was a bliss; I was more focused on my work than ever before and I was able to get a lot of shit done for the group, but then things started happening with Jisung. I don’t know if he realizes it, but he’s terrible at hiding his feelings. The fact that he liked me was pretty damn obvious for a while before he came out to me, but I didn’t really believe it until then. I thought that my imagination was possibly deceiving me and that I could be looking too deeply into the signs, but when he came out... that was a huge reality check for me. Not long after that, we went to the amusement park together and then the next day, he told me you guys fought… I didn’t know for sure, but my gut feeling told me it must’ve had something to do with me so guess what? The guilt I’d been suppressing came back to haunt me again, and well, that’s why I’m here.”

“Oh right, Jisung. So what's up with him? For someone who isn’t looking for a relationship you seem awfully close with him.”

“I don’t even know anymore… somewhat of a coping mechanism maybe? Everything after the Christmas party has just been so downhill for me that I’ve just been doing whatever I can to get my mind off of it all, but in the end, nothing really works.”

“So, you’re using him?”

“No, I have feelings for Jisung… but again, I have the same guilty feeling that I had with you. I wasn’t intending for anything to happen between us, but his feelings for me were so painfully obvious. I’d always admired him as a person for his talent, looks, personality… so naturally, I caved, and from there, things have  just been continuously escalating, starting with our time at the amusement park. I really meant for it to be a bonding time for all three of us, but Jisung told me you were sick and I think with how he feels about me, he immediately saw an opportunity for us to spend time alone together and well…”

“I don’t want to hear anymore,” Changbin interrupted, his chest starting to tighten as his mind drifted to unwanted images of Chan and Jisung together and all the things they might have done that night.

“I’m sorry… I just wanted to be honest with you about it.”

Though the conversation was providing some resolve, it wasn’t quite the resolve Changbin was looking for. All he learned was that Chan is human, just as human as he and Jisung are, he too had personal feelings about things that caused him to make mistakes, feel guilt, have regrets, yet, amidst it all he was still trying to do the right thing and be a good person. Even though his choices sometimes hurt, Chan always had everyone’s best interest in mind and maybe that’s why it was so hard for Changbin to let him go; maybe that’s why he still couldn’t let go. That’s why he fell for him in the first place and why he couldn’t hate him after he left. Chan almost always has good reason for his decisions, but Changbin convinced himself otherwise to ease the pain.

“I support you and Jisung,” Changbin finally spoke up, the agony laced in his words way too apparent for Chan’s liking, “You don’t deserve to be with someone like me anyways. I’m just a pessimist who always thinks the worst of every situation and every person. I held a grudge and even tried to hate you after what you did, convincing myself that you used me. And then I told Jisung that you were using him too, which is why we ended up fighting.”

“That wasn’t even the point of the conversation. This is supposed to be about us, not my relationship with Jisung.” 

“There is no ‘us,’ Chan?! What do you even mean?” Changbin argued, standing up from his place on the couch, “It’s just you and Jisung now. You moved on and that’s that. Sure, it sucks, but I’ll deal with it. Hearing from you helped me to stop villainizing you, so thanks.”

The longer the conversation dragged on, the heavier Changbin’s chest and lungs felt. There was no doubt that Changbin was still jealous of Jisung, maybe even more jealous now that he’s heard both sides of the story, and it definitely wasn’t helping his illness by any means, any thoughts he had of this conversation serving as some kind of potential cure having slipped away long ago. He could feel that he couldn’t, or rather shouldn’t  hold back much longer, the pain that accumulated in his upper half starting to become unbearable, but he didn’t want Chan to know… he couldn’t. He didn’t want to jeopardize or interfere with Chan’s relationship with Jisung anymore; he vowed to himself that he’d support them, but if Chan found out about his lingering feelings… he knew Chan wouldn’t be able to let that slide.

Chan was observant enough though, to see through Changbin’s facade, the pain inscribed on his face and displayed in his body language sparking concern in the older boy. “Are you okay?” he asked worriedly, quickly approaching him and placing a comforting hand to the small of his back.

“No,” he answered, tears in his eyes as the last drop of control he had over his body’s natural response to his feelings finally slipped away. Pain ruptured through his body as the blue iris petals burst past his lips, the agonizing groan that followed causing Chan’s heart to break as he watched Changbin slump to the floor.

“Changbin...” Chan gasped as he knelt down next to him and wrapped a comforting arm around his limp figure.

“I’m sorry…” Changbin whimpered, his head hung as heavy tears rolled off his cheeks and plopped onto the hardwood floor that was now decorated with a plethora of iris petals, splattered with deep crimson stains, “I couldn’t get over you.”

Soft fingertips brushed beneath Changbin’s chin, tilting his head upward, just slightly before his lips were met with another pair of wet lips that lingered for only a brief moment before pulling away. “I never said I was over you.”

Changbin’s eyes widened, both at Chan’s words and his actions. He felt nothing but utter disbelief towards him and quickly pushed him away before snapping. “What are you doing?! You expect me to believe that?! I don’t need your pity!”

“You know I wouldn’t lie to you…” Chan replied defensively.

“How can you tell me so proudly that Jisung’s feelings for you were so damn obvious and then come here and fucking kiss me?!” Despite how much his lungs were suffering from his earlier flare, Changbin was too consumed by rage to stop himself from going off. “You, more than anyone, should know how crazy he is about you! Do you know how upset he’ll be when he finds out? I hope you didn’t think I’d keep it a secret from him because if you don’t tell him, then I definitely will! He deserves to know that you’re a two-timing, worthless piece of shit! ”

Changbin’s rampage was soon interrupted by the sound of a door opening, both heads immediately turning toward the source to see what it was. “Is everything okay?” Jisung asked worriedly as he hesitantly stepped out of the confinement of his small room. It didn’t take long for him to  spot Changbin slumped on the floor with dozens of blue petals scattered on the floor in front of him with Chan sitting on the ground next to him. His wide eyes met Changbin’s briefly before darting over to Chan’s, unable to react to the fact that Changbin’s secret was now disclosed. “W-what happened?”

“Tell him,” Changbin muttered, his head hung as he trembled in pain from yelling earlier. Though he spoke quietly, he knew Chan was close enough to hear him, but still, he said nothing, continuing to sit in silence while Jisung approached them in hopes of an explanation. His lungs were begging for mercy from the pain and overexertion, but Changbin wouldn’t allow Chan the luxury of hiding yet again, not from Jisung. All Jisung ever did was love his hyungs and he always did whatever he could to help them; he didn’t deserve to go through the same excruciating fate that Changbin suffered. He refused to let that happen. So with his last bit of strength, Changbin tightly gripped Chan’s bicep and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Tell him what you did!”

His harsh words were followed by a fit of coughing and more petals trickling past his lips. Tears streamed down his face as he breathed in gasps, the only way he could breathe despite how much it hurt and soon, his vision began to tunnel. In that moment, he hated that he was human and that he was too weak to bear the pain his disease bestowed upon him, both physically and emotionally, that as hard as he tried to fight for his consciousness, his body just couldn’t handle it anymore and he ultimately failed.

Thankfully, feeling how Changbin’s grip on him was starting to loosen, Chan was quick to notice the fainting spell and caught him before his head could hit the floor. Jisung couldn’t help but gasp and kneel next to the two, helping Chan to support Changbin’s limp figure.

“Help me lay him on the couch,” Chan spoke, his tone of voice weak and more monotone than he’d ever heard Chan speak in his life.

Jisung only nodded, each boy slinging an arm around their neck to lift Changbin off the floor and shift him onto the couch, adjusting his limbs to lay comfortably on the cushions. Taking one of Changbin’s hands into his own, Jisung held it up to his face as his lips quivered, trying to swallow the lump forming in his throat before speaking. “He’s getting worse…”

Chan couldn’t bring himself to respond, the guilt of hurting Changbin and lying to Jisung making it hard for him to keep his composure. The heavy atmosphere in the room was just too suffocating and he needed to escape. “I…” he started before taking a deep breath to calm himself down, “I should get going…”

There was a silence after he spoke, Jisung internally debating if he should ask again what had happened between the two of them or not, but seeing as Chan was extremely distressed, he felt maybe it’d be insensitive to ask now. Though he wouldn’t ask about the details, Changbin’s last words before passing out continuously repeated themselves in his head, ‘Tell him what you did.’ He wanted to let it go, but his curiosity was getting the better of him; he just needed to know that one thing.

“Chan…” Jisung addressed quietly, his eyes remaining fixed on Changbin, “What did he want you to tell me?”

 Jisung’s words hit him like a bullet to the chest. He honestly hoped he’d evaded that question, thinking Changbin’s episode created enough tension and distraction to move on from it until another time. He wanted to answer, he really did, but with the events that played out and the weight he felt on his heart, he just couldn’t bring himself to do it. Letting out a defeated sigh, he spoke, “I’m sure he’ll tell you,” and with that, he made his way towards the door, each step growing increasingly heavier as he finally made his long awaited escape.

“FUCK!” Chan cursed the moment he stepped out of the apartment door, angrily scuffing his foot against the carpeted floor before crouching onto the ground and finally letting himself fall apart. Why the fuck did I do that?! was all he could think to himself as tears streamed down his face, legs held tightly against his chest with his head buried in his knees.

Love triangles are always messy enough as it is when the lead has feelings for one and not the other, but what happens when the lead has feelings for both? He knew from the start that it’d just be a set up for failure, so he tried to suppress his feelings and pursue only one, Jisung, but with the pressure of Changbin’s feelings and his illness being added to the picture, he crumbled in the blink of an eye. He hated to see either of them hurting, but it seemed hurting them was all he knew how to do and now, he’d just dug his own grave and getting out would be an insane challenge.

The drive back to his own apartment was silent, Chan not even having the will to put on some music in his car. He wanted to dwell in his thoughts and think deeply about what he’d done so he could possibly figure out a way to fix it. By the time he returned back home, he had mostly calmed down; he was able to stop crying at least and he was able to think a little more logically without interference of his emotions, but of course, he still felt like shit. 

The first thing he did when he got back, was make an A-line straight to his bedroom to update his diary on the chaotic turn of events that had just played out. He’d been keeping a little diary for a quite a while now, as it served as another coping mechanism for him, helping him suppress his feelings while he was out doing his normal everyday things. It allowed him a means to vent and just let everything out when things weren’t going well, which seemed to almost always be the case nowadays, and once he got his thoughts out in his diary, it was easier to stop thinking about it for at least long enough to go about the day without any issues.

“Dear Diary,

You’ll never guess how bad I fucked up this time...”

* * *

About thirty minutes had passed when Changbin finally stirred, his consciousness steadily starting to come back to him. Jisung, who was resting his head on the couch whilst sitting on the floor, was immediately alerted by the movement and quickly sat up to check up on his hyung.

“Changbin?” he addressed quietly as he placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, “You awake?”

He only mumbled in response, his eyes slowly beginning to open as he carefully sat himself up. “What happened? Don’t tell me talking to Chan was all a dream,” he half joked, his voice raspy as he rubbed his eyes.

“It wasn’t,” Jisung spoke as he let out a brief chuckle, “You passed out though…”

“Shit…” Changbin groaned, disappointed that the conversation didn’t end so smoothly. He remembered the beginning of the conversation, Chan asking him if he regretted it and talking about his relationship with Jisung… he remembered his hanahaki episode but after that, things seemed to be a bit of a blur. He just remembered being angry.

“Um…” Jisung started a little hesitantly, “I don’t mean to be so straight forward, especially after you just woke up… but something happened that you wanted Chan to tell me…”

Then, it hit him. His eyes widened as the memory of Chan became more vivid, making him gasp and mutter under his breath, “Chan kissed me…”

His voice was quiet, yet audible enough for Jisung to hear, though, he didn’t really want to believe his ears. “W-what?” Jisung asked again for confirmation, really hoping on the inside that he’d misheard... but he didn’t.

“Chan… kissed me.”

A puzzled expression formed on Changbin’s face as he tried to make sense of the situation; was Jisung trying to prove something? After giving it some thought though, Changbin was able to quickly put two and two together, determining that this was Jisung’s way of trying to make it up to him. Of course, cooking him a meal this one time wouldn’t suffice as a proper apology, however, he did appreciate the thought and the free food.

He took his time eating what Jisung had prepared before heading out to the kitchen to wash the plate, but to his dismay, Jisung was currently occupying the sink to wash the dishes he’d used to cook. 

“How was it?” Jisung asked, a bright smile on his face as he finished rinsing the dishes and glanced over at Changbin expectantly.

“Um…” Changbin cleared his throat, awkwardly turning his head away as he spoke, “It was good, thanks.” With that, he was about to walk back to his room and come back later, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Jisung approaching him.

“I can take your plate, hyung. I’ll wash it for you.”

When Changbin looked up, he was met with Jisung’s innocent gaze, his hand held out to take the used dish from him. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything as he handed it over to him, a guilty feeling building up inside of him as he watched Jisung make his way back to the sink. It was clear that these past few days, Jisung had been trying really hard to make up with Changbin with his apologies and attempts to talk to him, and now doing nice things for him… but Changbin, on the other hand, hadn’t really tried at all to amend things with Jisung; not once did he ever think about apologizing to Jisung or even just talking it out, even though he knew he was in the wrong too. He felt better about himself when he evaded the situation as a whole and put all the blame on Jisung instead.

He felt shitty for it, but he decided to avoid Jisung yet again, going back up to his room to change. On their off days, Changbin normally liked to go to the gym to work out and today was no exception. If anything, he needed it more today than any other day to one, get away from Jisung, and two, to relieve his stress and get his mind off of things, particularly his conscience; it was really starting to get to him and it was becoming a nuisance.

Once he’d finished changing, he made his way to the kitchen to pack his things, passing by Jisung on the way, who was sitting on the couch watching tv.

“Hyung,” Jisung called from the living room, hearing Changbin scavenging through the kitchen cabinets, “I made your protein shake already. It’s by the door… and I packed you a little snack for after too.”

Changbin froze for a second at Jisung’s words, shocked that he’d gone out of his way for him yet again even though the day had just barely begun. Awkwardly making his way out of the kitchen, Changbin mumbled a quick thank you to Jisung before darting out the front door to get to the gym.

“Ergh!” he grumbled to himself as he walked down the sidewalk, frustrated by Jisung’s actions. If his goal was to guilt trip him, then he was doing a damn good job… Changbin thought a good workout would ease his mind so that when he got back home, he’d be able to go right back to ignoring Jisung, but no. Every time he took a sip of the protein shake, and every time he even just glanced at the snack bag Jisung had prepared he felt sick to his stomach. How could Jisung be so kind to him, when all he’d done was treat him like shit? Why couldn’t Jisung just ignore him back?

Unable to finish working out peacefully, he decided to call it quits and head home early. Maybe it really would be a good idea to talk things through with Jisung; ignorance was a bliss for a little while, but he had to admit the burden of losing his best friend over his own dumb feelings was pretty petty and it definitely didn’t feel good.

“Oh, you’re home early,” Jisung remarked as he passed by Changbin, who was making his way to his room, “I was just about to prepare a bath for—”

“Don’t,” Changbin replied solemnly, making Jisung frown. 

“Is everything okay?” he asked worriedly.

“We need to talk.”

As Changbin entered his room, he quickly set his things down before taking a seat on his bed, Jisung following suit and seating himself on the opposite end of the bed to provide some space between the two of them.

“Why are you being so nice to me?” Changbin blurted, his eyes glued to the floor, too embarrassed to look up at Jisung.

“Why wouldn’t I be? You’re my friend so of course I’m gonna be nice to you…”

“But you’re being particularly nice today…”

“Well… it’s just… I really missed you… you were being so distant after our fight and just… I don’t know, I was scared that I’d lose you if I didn’t do something.”

Changbin’s heart ached at Jisung’s words; Jisung really did care about him a lot more than he gave him credit for. In the end, Changbin was the one not giving a care about Jisung and completely disregarding his feelings.

“No wonder Chan likes you,” Changbin scoffed, his eyes welling with tears as he continued, “Who would like someone as selfish as me… someone who doesn’t even know how to properly express his feelings or contain them when he needs to?”

“Changbin…” Jisung whined, scooting closer to him to place a comforting hand on his shoulder, “I don’t think that’s—”

“Listen Jisung, all of this is my fault, I’m sorry,” Changbin sniffled, “I shouldn’t have lashed out at you about going out with Chan and I shouldn’t have said all that stuff about him using you, I was just jealous. Who you date, who you have feelings for, who you have sex with, all of that isn’t my business, and I shouldn’t have gotten upset that you never told me anything… I didn’t tell you anything either so I was also being a hypocrite. I’m really sorry, Jisung.”

“Changbin, it’s okay… I’m not mad that you didn’t tell me. It’s just… if I had known you were into Chan I wouldn’t have gone for him. I think I’m more upset that you didn’t tell me you were sick… I’m sorry that I haven’t been doing a good job showing it with all my sneaking around and doing things behind your back, but I do care about you a lot, and finding out about your hanahaki disease when you’re already in the fourth phase is really concerning… why haven’t you said anything about it this whole time? What if you died?! You did such a good job hiding it too, I would’ve never known…”

“Well, if it was bad enough I was going to get the flowers removed. I already started looking into it actually. The truth is though, I didn’t tell you because…” he trailed off, letting out a sigh before continuing, “You know what… I should just tell you everything. After all you’ve done for me you deserve to know.” Taking a deep breath, Changbin prepared himself to explain his situation with Chan. He knew it would probably end in another flare, or maybe multiple, but now that Jisung knew the jist of things it was a lot easier to discuss the sensitive topic with him.

“So, it was shortly after we’d started making recordings for 3racha that I’d first taken an interest in Chan. At the time, liking a guy was pretty foreign and so I assumed that what I felt wasn’t romantic or anything like that. I thought I was just admiring Chan as a good rapper, producer, and leader. Over time though, my feelings for him started to grow stronger and maybe about a year ago, I realized that I genuinely liked Chan, and that I really am sexually attracted to men. Obviously, seeing as I’m terrible with expressing my feelings, I tried to subtly hint at it and initiate hang outs and what not, but really, nothing was happening between us. He seemed completely oblivious to my feelings and we kind of just stayed as friends… until the Christmas party this past winter.

After dinner had finished and everyone was hanging out down stairs, Chan pulled me aside and took me to one of the bedrooms upstairs. He said he’d stayed there before with JYP when he had events to go to in the morning. Prior to the party, we talked about buying each other Christmas gifts, but agreed on not getting each other to be frugal, and instead, just spending time together or something like that. Since we weren’t buying each other anything, I just decided to make him something really small, a bracelet. I’d made us matching ones and while we sat together on the balcony of that room, I gave it to him. From there, everything escalated; it started with him holding my hand, and then a kiss… and then next thing you know we were in bed together…” 

Changbin paused for a moment, feeling the dreadful sensation that he’d been patiently awaiting starting to surface as his thoughts surrounded that night with Chan.

“Hey,” Jisung spoke feebly and gently rubbed Changbin’s back, sensing his unease, “You can take a break if you need, there’s no rush. Just breathe, and clear your head.”

“No, I’m okay…” Changbin sighed after inhaling deeply, “I’d rather just get this over with.”

Jisung nodded in acknowledgement before Changbin continued, “He never told me anything that night in regards to feelings or anything like that, and of course, I wasn’t going to be the one to ask, so I just left it. I kind of just assumed that if Chan was the one to make the advances, then it meant he liked me, but apparently I was very wrong to jump to a conclusion like that. Once we started getting back to work after the holidays finished, nothing. I’m not sure if I’m just being subjective about the situation because I was hurt, but it seemed as though Chan had actually become distant and a lot less… friendly with me. He was still nice, as always, but he didn’t talk to me as much as before and he didn’t text as often… he only texted me about work related things.

A few weeks after that, just barely into the new year, was when I developed the first symptoms of hanahaki disease. It was the worst in the beginning; I went from phase one to two in less than a week, but after that, I was able to keep it somewhat under control… I managed to stretch out phase two and three over the span of six months or so, with just occasional flares when I’d have major interactions with Chan. Before my recent recording with Chan, I was actually doing really well and hadn’t had a flare in almost a month. I thought I’d finally recovered to be honest… but y’know the matching bracelets I made for us? I still carry it with me in my pocket and when I was leaving the recording room, I accidentally dropped it and he picked it up for me… and then he commented on how I don’t wear it anymore… which bothered me because he only wore his for like, the first week after I gave it to him.

And also, I figured out that you went to see him the night before my recording, because I went to check on you right before I went to sleep, but you were gone. I didn’t think too much of it at first, but when I asked you about it the next morning, your reaction made me suspicious. Chan also seemed a little more tired than normal during our session so I kind of put two and two together. Finding out you and him were going out made my disease flare again, and worse this time… My fifth stage flowers actually started blooming last night, when you went home with Chan after practice. I went through stage four in less than a week, just like I did with stage one, but breathing and coughing up the petals is becoming a lot more painful these days. As for the reason I never told you about any of it, is because for one, after my encounter with Chan, I didn’t want to admit to anyone else that I was gay, and then I didn’t tell you I was sick because I thought you’d see me as a pathetic loser who’s so hung up on some guy who doesn’t even like him back.”

“Changbin…” Jisung whined, hurt that Changbin felt that way about himself, “You’re one of the strongest people I know, I would never think of you as a pathetic loser. You’ve literally been suffering for over six months on your own and you hid it so well that I didn’t even have a clue. I wish you didn’t have to go through all of that, but the fact that you could bear that is amazing… If I were you, I don’t think I would’ve been able to handle something like that by myself.”

“Thanks, Jisung… but I still think I’m pretty pathetic. I even got mad at you and blamed you because of my own jealousy…”

“If I had to go through what you’ve been through, I’m sure I would’ve done the same, you don’t need to beat yourself up about it… it’s really okay. The big issue now is figuring out how to help you recover. You know, I was thinking that you were right though, about only having spent a few days together with Chan and that I might be delusional about us, so I decided that I should just give him up on him, and then you’d have an easier time—”

“No!” Changbin blurted, turning sharply to Jisung and finally looking him in the eyes, “Don’t give up on Chan. You guys definitely have something special that he and I never had… I told you Jisung, everything I said before was just a load of bullshit that I blurted because I was just jealous of you. You should be with Chan if you really like him… d-don’t let me stop you.” Changbin could feel himself getting choked up, his eyes welling with tears again as he thought about what he’d just said. He did genuinely support Jisung and wished him happiness in his endeavors with Chan, but on the inside, it still hurt… he wanted more than anything to be in Jisung’s shoes, to be the one Chan liked.

“Hyung… don’t cry…” Jisung pouted, grabbing Changbin’s hand and squeezing it tight, “How can I pursue Chan if it hurts you like this?”

Breaking eye contact once again, Changbin hung his head, letting his tears fall down into his lap. He could feel his chest tightening with each sniffle, a growing pain in his thoracic region soon accompanying, making his face twist in pain. Jisung didn’t fail to notice the few petals that trickled past Changbin’s lips after letting out a few small coughs, so reaching for the small trash can that Changbin kept in his room, he knelt on the ground, placing the small bin down just between Changbin’s legs before comforting him through the painful process.

In a matter of seconds, Jisung noticed Chanbin become noticeably tense, the excruciating sensation he felt written clearly on his face as he expelled a bundle of petals into the container, right in front of Jisung.

“I,” Changbin started, obviously still in pain as he gasped for air, “I’m s-sorry you… had t-to see that.”

Jisung’s lips began to quiver and a lump formed in his throat as he stared at the green and blue petals piled in the bin, some of which were speckled with small, red blood stains.

“J-Jisung…?” Changbin addressed worriedly, “Why are you crying?”

Jisung hesitated to answer, sniffling and trying his best to collect himself before attempting to speak, “It’s so painful…” he looked up at the older boy through his glossy, tear stained orbs, “To see my best friend, and one of the strongest people I know suffering this much.”

* * *

The rest of the day went well. Besides the abundance of angsty emotions surrounding Changbin’s situation with Chan, everything was good. With Jisung and Changbin’s close relationship finally restored after their absence of communication for the past few days, they decided to celebrate by going out to dinner together.

“Good choice eating here, hyung,” Jisung hummed contentedly as he dug into his food.

“The last time we came here was for your past birthday, so I figured it’d be nice to come again,” Changbin nodded in agreement.

The boys were quiet as they ate, but of course, the silence was different from that of before;  the atmosphere was light and comfortable, with two best friends simply enjoying each other’s presence as much as they were enjoying their food. 

It didn’t take long for them to clean their plates, the two of them slumping into the big, cushioned seats of their booth as they waited for their waiter to come back with checks. They sat again in a comfortable silence for a few minutes until it was broken by Changbin’s phone buzzing loudly against the table. He sat himself up properly as he reached for the vibrating device to check who was calling, but when he saw the name displayed on the screen he almost had to do a double take to make sure he wasn’t crazy.

“Who is it?” Jisung spoke up, noticing Changbin’s sudden change in expression.

“It’s…. Chan,” he uttered.

“Answer it,” Jisung replied calmly.

Changbin was starting to look a little pale, the life completely sucked out of his features as he swiped his thumb over the screen to answer the call and lifted his phone up to his ear.

“H-hello?”

“Thank god, you actually answered,” Chan let out a sigh of relief before continuing, “How are you?”

“Uh… I’m okay…” Changbin replied nervously, “W-why?”

“Jisung told me you guys fought, so I kinda just wanted to check up on you… my gut feeling was telling me that it had something to do with me.”

“O-oh…” Changbin stuttered, taken aback by Chan’s statement. Although he was right, Changbin didn’t want to outright say, ‘yes, it had to do with you,’ but at the same time, he didn’t know what else he could say. As he pondered over what his next words should be, he ended up creating an awkward silence in the conversation, which Chan ended up having to break.

“Um… well if you don’t mind, we could meet up and talk about it tonight. I have a few things I’d like to say to you too.”

Changbin gulped at the proposal, still feeling anxious about the idea of facing Chan in a non-work environment. It’d been nearly half a year since they'd had a  genuine conversation just for fun, and that was a little while before their one night stand… after that incident, he really didn’t know what Chan thought of him and it scared him enough to avoid speaking with him all this time.

Just as he’d been doing, once again, he decided he felt more comfortable avoiding Chan, but without a valid excuse he ended up telling him, “I’ll think about it…”

“Alright. If you decide you wanna talk, just text me. I’ll see you later,” was the last thing Chan said before hanging up, and Changbin let out a sigh of relief as he set his phone back down on the table.

“What’d he say?” Jisung inquired, seeing as Changbin wasn’t going to mention it if he didn't ask.

“He wanted to meet up and talk… so I told him I’ll think about it,” he replied nonchalantly, shrugging it off and hoping Jisung wouldn’t prod further… but of course he did, it’s Jisung after all.

“Why don’t you do it?” Jisung asked bluntly.

“I can’t face him…” he sighed, defeated, “I’m a fucking coward.”

“You’re not a coward,” Jisung assured, “Approaching a crush is nerve-wracking for anyone, but I think it’s hard for you to get over Chan because you lack closure with him. You’re probably scared because you feel like Chan has negative feelings toward you, but I’m ninety-nine percent sure he doesn’t. You should ask him what really happened after your one night stand; I’m sure it's not as bad as you think it is.”

“I don’t know, Jisung… It’s been months already…”

“Better late than never.”

Letting out another sigh, Changbin decided that maybe Jisung was right. Everything he'd said  about him being scared and lacking closure was true and honestly, even though he was able to put it off for a long ass time, he did want to know what Chan thought of him and what had really happened between the two of them.

Reluctantly, Changbin reached for his phone and quickly scrolled through his archive of text conversations to find Chan’s. Upon finding it, he clicked on the text box and slowly began to type: “I’ll be free in about an hour if you still want to talk.” He could feel his heart pounding against his chest as his thumb hovered over the send button, still debating if he should follow through or not.

“You’ll be okay,” Jisung spoke up, placing a comforting hand over Changbin’s, seeing that he looked distressed, “In the end, you’ll be relieved that you talked to him. If you don’t do it, you’ll probably regret missing the opportunity… right?”

With that, Changbin let out a deep sigh as he nodded at Jisung and finally hit send on his message. He knew Jisung was right, and he knew that he would feel better afterwards, but that didn’t take away from the fact that he was nervous as hell right now. Only moments after he set his phone back down on the table, it buzzed again, nearly giving him a heart attack as he glanced over at the bright screen.

[Chan 7:46 PM]: I’ll be there by 9

When he can, he’d cook for you

And any time you’re not feeling well, he’ll come and take care of you

Also, he loves skinship

Very clingy bby so will be hugging you 95% of the time

Or carrying you

He literally has no shame when it comes to showing how much he loves you and cares about you

However, when it comes to things that are less innocent, he’s a lot more secretive

I don’t think he’d be one to have a public sex kink, but if his s/o does, he’d be willing to try

He likes to keep your intimate moments more private so that it feels more special 🥺

D O M

Sure, yeah he’s a soft boy, but he loves to take the lead and have control

Also wants to please you; his caring character trait doesn’t disappear when he’s in bed js

I feel that he would really like his s/o in some elegant lace lingerie

Something pretty that would really just compliment how beautiful your body already is

Looooves to praise you in bed (and out of bed but yknow …)

Constant compliments, sweet nothings, and definitely says ‘I love you’ during the act

Peppers a lot of kisses all over your body too, especially your neck and he’ll be sure to sneak some onto your lips when he can

Basicallyyy he ALWAYS wants you to know that he loves you to infinity and beyond ok

That’s the kind of man he is

He 100% goes out of his way to ensure the best for his s/o in every possible aspect of the relationship

“... Using me? Why do you say that?” Jisung frowned as his brows furrowed.

“How long has he known you’re gay?”

“H-how… how long have you known?!” Jisung’s breath hitched in his throat.

“Just answer the damn question!”

“I told him the night I snuck out…”

“Okay so… it’s been two days and you guys already fucked. You’re telling me he’s not using you? for sex?”

“First of all, we didn’t fuck, and second, why is any of this your business?”

“I’m just saying.”

“Who are you to say anything about my damn love life? You don’t know anything! You don’t know the things we’ve said, moments we’ve shared… What we’ve had up until now was genuine--”

“You act as if it’s been months! It’s been two days, Jisung, stop being delusional.”

“Shut up! You’re just jealous because you can’t get laid.”

“Oh! So I can’t say anything about your love life, but you’re gonna talk about my sex life as if you know everything? How hypocritical!”

“There’s no need to be salty.”

“Well, let’s see how you feel after you find out he’s using you.”

“He’s not using me! I didn’t ask for your fucking opin--”

“That’s what I thought too, Jisung! But guess what, people aren’t always what they make themselves out to be!”

Silence.

What the hell is he talking about? Jisung thought, a concerned look on his face as he stared at Changbin, puzzled and expecting of an explanation. “Changbin… what do you mean?”

Changbin could feel pain accumulating in his chest, another flare dawning upon him as thoughts of that night began to rush into his head. Taking a deep breath, he attempted to calm himself down, but it was to no avail; he’d been thinking about Chan all day and this was the tip of the iceberg.

“Nothing,” he muttered as he quickly shot up from the couch, “I’m going to my room.”

“No you’re not!” Jisung interrupted, grabbing Changbin by the wrist before he could go anywhere, “You’re really gonna say something like that and not give me an explanation?! What’s your problem?!”

“It’s none of your business!”

“It sure as hell must be my business if you were telling me I’m being used earlier!”

“You really wanna know what happened?! Chan and I fucked!” Changbin yelled rashly, yanking his arm out of Jisung’s strong grip, “We had a one night stand. Happy?”

Jisung’s jaw dropped, his eyes wide as he struggled to fathom Changbin’s words. He… had sex with Chan? “When was that?”

“Doesn’t fucking matter,” Changbin muttered, turning his head away as he cleared his throat in a failed attempt to will his cough away, “I’m going to my room now.”

Changbin was about to make a run for it, but he was caught again, Jisung firmly grabbing him by the shoulder and turning him around to face him.

“Stop trying to run away while we’re talking, dammit! You think this is gonna resolve itself? Why didn’t you tell me you were gay, huh? And why didn’t you tell me you had a thing with Chan?!”

Despite facing Jisung, Changbin buried his face in his arm, still trying to suppress the cough that had been building up since the topic of Chan was brought into the conversation. His eyes burned as they welled with tears and he could feel the all too familiar excruciating pain of his body clenching. He knew it probably wasn’t healthy to hold in the petals, but he’d done so well hiding his disease up until now.

“Changbin…” Jisung’s tone changed, concern and worry now threaded in his voice, “Are you o--”

Before he knew it, petals burst past Chanbin’s lips, covering the floor around the two boys, an anguished groan following as Changbin clutched his sides and fell to the floor. Jisung could only stand there and stare, completely horrified by what he’d just witnessed; he knew Changbin hid a lot of things to prevent people from worrying about him, but he never imagined he’d be carrying a burden as big as this on his shoulders and keeping it to himself. Did he expect to get over it alone, by continuously bottling up his feelings until he exploded?

“You…” Jisung started, his voice now completely void of life, “You still like him…”

Changbin ignored his comment, focusing on calming himself down and getting his breathing back to normal so that he could get up and go back to his room, like he’d initially wanted. 

“Not only did you hide your sexuality and having sex with Chan… but you’ve been hiding this? Are you fucking crazy? You know you can die from this!”

“Like you care…” Changbin murmured as he forced himself to stand up, “Why don’t you go live with Chan instead? You seem to care about him more than me. Go have sex with him since your two days with him were so ‘genuine’ and don’t come back crying to me when he throws your ass away after.”

Jisung was left speechless as Changbin trudged into his room and harshly shut  the door behind him. Guilt began to eat away at Jisung’s conscience as he thought back to the time he snuck out to see Chan and today, how he’d ditched Changbin to be alone with Chan. He knew he was being selfish, but he’d never thoroughly thought about how his actions would affect Changbin and his feelings. After reevaluating what he’d done, it really did seem like he cared more about Chan than Changbin, even though it wasn’t true.

His heart ached as he eyed over the green petals  scattered across the floor, wondering how long Changbin had been keeping his condition a secret. Given the color, it was obvious that the disease had progressed pretty far already and he knew for a fact that the messy situation they were tangled up  in wasn’t helping any. Jisung honestly felt terrible for Changbin, but he felt like there was nothing he could do for him.

Crouching down, Jisung gathered the petals into a small pile before cupping them into his cold hands and quickly discarded them. As he walked back to his room, he tried to think of a way to help Changbin, but with the sudden unexpected turn of events that had just played out, his brain was just too overwhelmed to think of any good solutions. Sliding into his bed, he laid there wide awake throughout the night despite how tired he was after spending the whole day out with Chan.

* * *

For the next few days, Changbin and Jisung hardly talked. Although Jisung did try to approach him a few times, prodding at him only seemed to make Changbin more upset so eventually, he just gave up. This wasn’t the first time the two had gotten into an argument, but this was the first time that a little bicker caused Changbin to completely stop talking to Jisung and in all honesty, it made him a bit uneasy. When Jisung made the decision to shoot his shot with Chan, he never foresaw an outcome like this; not once did he ever think some guy could shatter the strong friendship he and Changbin had developed over the years.

“Dude,” Chan approached Jisung after the group finished running through their dance a few times, “You look like shit…”

“Gee thanks…” Jisung sighed, plopping onto the bench in the back of the practice room, “I haven’t slept in two days.”

“What? Why?”

“It’s complicated…”

“I’m sorry… wanna come over after practice?” Chan grinned as he patted Jisung on the shoulder, “We can talk about it and you can vent if you need. I’ll even make dinner for you.”

“Um… alright, thanks…”

“Cool, we’ll talk more after practice then. Drink some water! We're gonna be here for a few more hours still and I don’t want you passing out on me.”

Jisung nodded as Chan walked back towards the group, grabbing his water bottle to take a few sips before getting back to practice. When he looked back up, he found Changbin glaring at him so he tried to give him an awkward smile, but Changbin only rolled his eyes in return and went back to practicing the choreo with the other boys.

Jisung sighed as he forced himself up from the bench and apprehensively made his way back to the group. It was apparent that Chan was an extremely sensitive topic for Changbin, so Jisung didn’t really want Chan to get involved in the issue more than he already was, but at this point, Jisung was starting to lose hope on making up with Changbin and he really did need someone to talk about his troubles with. Maybe Chan would have some good advice to offer.

After what felt like years, practice finally wrapped up and now, Jisung literally felt like death. As  the boys gathered their belongings, Chan approached Jisung and crouched down next to him. “How you feeling?” he asked with a worried look on his face.

“Terrible,” Jisung scoffed, shoving the last of his things into his bag.

“I’m gonna call a taxi okay?”

“You live like ten minutes away by foot.”

“Yeah, but you really look like you’ll pass out if you exert yourself anymore. I’m not letting you walk.”

“Fine.”

Being the last two to leave the practice room, Chan shut off the lights and locked the door on their way out. They were able to find a rock wall to sit on just outside of the studio while they waited for the taxi, which thankfully showed up after only a few minutes. It seemed pathetic to take a taxi for a five minute drive, but Jisung was honestly thankful for Chan’s judgement. Even though he didn’t want to admit it, he definitely would have fainted if he had walked to Chan’s apartment; the fact that he even managed to get through practice was a miracle in itself.

As the taxi car pulled up to the curb in front of Chan’s apartment, the two boys bowed their heads to the driver and thanked him and once the car cane to a complete stop, Chan paid the fare.

Jisung was about to start walking to the entrance of the building when Chan stopped him, “I’ll carry this for you,” he insisted, grabbing Jisung’s bag off his shoulder.

“Thanks, hyung… you don’t have to…”

“Don’t worry about it. I just wanna make things easier for you.”

Jisung didn’t put up much of a fight, simply smiling back in response and letting Chan do as he wished. Normally he would’ve been happier about Chan’s chivalrous actions, but thinking about Changbin and his disease made him feel guilty that he was even spending time with Chan. He just had to remind himself that he was reaching out to Chan for Changbin’s sake; it was for the sole purpose of figuring out how to make up with him.

“Make yourself at home,” Chan said as he unlocked his apartment door, gesturing for Jisung to enter, “I’ll start making dinner, but you can talk to me whenever you’re ready.”

Nodding, Jisung retrieved his bag from Chan before taking a seat on the couch and pulling out his phone to check the time. It was a little past 7:30 now, and he hadn’t explained anything to Chan yet; at this rate, it wouldn’t be surprising if he got home past 9. Given they’d all ended practice at the same time, Jisung was sure that Changbin already had his suspicions of where he’d gone off to, so he decided to send him a text.

[Jisung 7:38 pm]: Hey Changbin, I went out for a bit so I won’t be home til later. Don’t worry too much okay?

He sighed as he pressed the send button, setting his phone down on the coffee table before slumping back into the sofa. He’d consider himself lucky if he got any response back from Changbin, considering he hadn’t said a single word to them since their fight the other night.

“Sungie,” Chan called from the kitchen, momentarily snapping Jisung out of his thoughts, “What do you like in your ramen?”

“Uh… Anything is fine, I’m not picky,” Jisung replied weakly. For a moment, he sat on the couch with his eyes closed, but unfortunately, his conscience still prevented him from finding slumber. After a few more minutes past, he felt the cushions sink next to him, the sound of ceramic meeting wood following soon after making him open his eyes and sit back up.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you,” Chan spoke quietly, gingerly placing a hand on Jisungs thigh.

“I wasn’t asleep,” Jisung muttered back, his face brightening up just a little when he got a glimpse of the food that Chan had set down on the table.

“Go ahead,” Chan smiled, “It’s for you so help yourself.”

“... Thanks, hyung… but aren’t you gonna eat anything?”

“No, I ate before practice and I had a few snacks during. You shouldn’t be worrying about me when you haven’t been eating properly and haven’t slept in two days.”

“I never said I wasn’t eating…”

“Yeah, but it’s pretty obvious from how weak you are.”

“Pft…” Jisung scoffed, looking away as he grabbed the bowl of ramen and started eating.

“I’ve never seen you like this before. Something pretty bad must’ve happened to get you so worked up.”

Pausing for a bit to finish his mouthful, Jisung placed the bowl back down on the table before speaking up.

“Changbin and I fought…”

“I kinda figured… Is it the first time? You guys have been roommates for a while so I would’ve assumed  it happens often.”

“No, it’s not the first time. It’s just… this time, he got so mad that he stopped talking to me.”

“Oh… yeah that’s rough. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“I wanted to ask you for advice actually… I’ve been trying to talk to Changbin and apologize, but no matter what I say, he keeps ignoring me.”

“Hm…” Chan hummed, pausing for a moment to think of a solution.

In the meanwhile, speaking of Changbin reminded Jisung that he’d texted him earlier, so after another mouthful of noodles, he unlocked his phone to see if Changbin had replied to his text. It wasn’t surprising to see no reply, though, Jisung couldn’t help but feel hurt that Changbin had left his message on read.

“What if you show him you’re sorry through small acts?” Chan suddenly spoke up, “It’s easy for him to just ignore you when you’re talking, but it would be harder for him to ignore things that you do for him. For example, if you made him dinner one day and brought it to his bedroom. I also think if you show small acts of kindness towards him, it’ll show that you’re thinking about him and that you care.”

“Hmm, that’s not a bad idea,” Jisung nodded in approval before grabbing his bowl of ramen again, “Thanks.”

“Yeah, no problem! I’m glad I could help,” Chan smiled as he stood up from the couch, “Now finish your food; just because you’re upset doesn’t mean you can skip out on meals and sleep.”

Jisung nodded in response, immediately complying to Chan’s order by shoving another mouthful of noodles into his mouth.

“I’m gonna shower okay?” Chan continued as he started making his way back towards his bedroom, “You can just leave the bowl in the sink when you’re done.”

With his mouth still full, Jisung was unable to speak so he nodded again in acknowledgement before Chan disappeared into his room. Once he’d grabbed a change of clothes and went into the bathroom for his shower, Jisung was left alone in the living room to dwell in his thoughts. It didn’t take long for him to remember that he’d left Changbin home alone to meet Chan, again, and the idea really didn’t really sit well with him; the guilt was eating him from the inside out.

He was starting to think it’d be a good idea to sneak out while Chan was in the shower and get back home as soon as possible, although he kind of wanted to give him an adequate “thank you” for the meal and advice. I’ll wash the bowl for him, he decided as he finished up the last of the noodles and soup. It was a rather small favor, but he felt it was the least he could do to express his appreciation toward the older boy.

It took awhile for the water to get hot, but when it did, he gave the bowl a thorough  rinse before adding soap to the sponge and lathering it up. He took his time scrubbing the bowl making sure every inch of the ceramic was covered in suds before giving it a final rinse, and just as he turned off the water, the feeling of hands wrapping around his waist startled him and almost made him drop the bowl back into the sink.

“You didn’t have to wash it,” the raspy voice spoke into Jisung’s ear sending chills down his spine, “I told you to just leave it in the sink.”

“C-Chan-hyung…” Jisung stuttered, cheeks heating up at the unexpected contact, “You’re um, finished already?”

“I wasn’t gonna take a long shower with a guest over,” he chuckled, resting his chin on Jisung’s shoulder.

“I-I mean… you could’ve… it’s just me…” Jisung turned away, avoiding Chan’s gaze as he finally placed the bowl in the drying rack.

“Oh? Well, if it’s just you, maybe I should’ve just asked you to join me.”

Jisung gulped at Chan’s words, the tone of his voice reflecting the smirk drawn across his face as he spoke. Just the thought of partaking in Chan’s proposal got him a bit excited, a feeling of lust burning in the pit of his stomach and almost burying the lingering guilt that had been pestering him all night… almost. He hated that Chan was so damn good at tempting him, the lips that peppered soft kisses along the length of his neck arousing him more than he wanted, but the way that Chan always knew how to get him going really made him suspicious. Considering Changbin had mentioned being used before, maybe Chan did this to a lot of people and Jisung was just another victim.

“Hyung… I-I should really get going…” Jisung struggled to say over his aching desire to stay and indulge. Changbin was still home alone, probably getting the wrong idea of why Jisung had gone to Chan’s house and if he did end up doing something with Chan, there was no way he would be able to justify himself. Not to mention it’d be even harder to make up with Changbin after that, especially knowing that Changbin still has feelings for Chan.

“How are you getting home?” Chan mumbled between kisses, one of his hands roaming over his abdomen while the other snuck down to his crotch.

“GAH! Chan?!” Jisung panicked, grabbing Chan’s hand and pulling it away from his sensitive area, “Not now… I-I… I need to get back… I’ll get an uber!” Breaking out of Chan’s embrace, Jisung made his way back to the living room, wanting to grab his phone from the coffee table, but Chan got a hold of his wrist before he could get very far.

“An uber? Hell no, I’m not letting you pay for that if I can just take you home.”

“I shouldn’t burden you more than I already have…”

“It’s not a burden, Jisung. I’ll take you right now if that’s what you want.”

“I… feel bad…”

“Why?”

“Because you did so much for me already… and then when you wanted to… y’know, I just… you’re not upset?”

“Of course not! I did all of that because I care about you and your health, and as for the second part, it’s  your choice if you want to get intimate with me or not. I’ll never force you or get mad at you for saying no. If anything, I should be apologizing for coming on so strong and forcing myself onto you, I’m sorry. You should take the lead next time.”

“N-no… it’s not that! Trust me I want to… it’s just… I feel too guilty right now about the situation with Changbin… I'd love to stay here and have fun with you, but I think I should clear up things with him first… It’s been bugging me a lot these past few days.”

“I understand,” Chan nodded, finally letting go of Jisung’s wrist, “Go grab your things, we’ll head out now.”

* * *

Changbin groaned as he tightly held onto his sides, face scrunched and fists clenched as he tried to endure the pain building up in his thoracic cavity. This was his third flare today and Changbin was slowly starting to lose hope in his disease ever being cured. If only Jisung knew that Changbin had been suffering non-stop since the night of their argument, the idea of Chan falling for Jisung making it harder and harder for Changbin to get over him. It seemed ironic that seeing his crush falling for someone else, would make his feelings swell, but the further Chan slipped from his fingers, the harder he tried to grasp him; he just didn’t want to lose him, especially not to his best friend.

Changbin winced at the painful contraction in his chest, flower petals trickling past his lips as he fell into a fit of coughing. He never remembered it hurting so damn much, the excruciating sensation he felt as he anticipated his outburst bringing tears to his eyes… but maybe it was partly because his body couldn’t tolerate going through this kind of physical strain and anguish three times in one day.

After what felt like forever, he finally heaved up another pile of petals into his small trash bin that was already more than half way full of green lily petals. With his  face still twisted in pain and tears streaming down his face, he gasped desperately for air, trying to revert his breathing back to normal despite how shaky he was from crying.

No… Changbin sighed to himself in defeat when he finally opened his eyes and caught a glimpse of what he had just emitted. Not even the glossiness of his eyes blurring his vision could hide the few dark blue petals that stuck out like sore thumbs scattered among the dozens of pastel green ones in the bin.

[Stage 5, Blue: Turning Point ~ iris // symbol of faith & hope]

By now, most people with the disease would be on the right track to recovery with their feelings and symptoms starting to subside. However, the opposite was true in Changbin’s case; things were going downhill for him and his symptoms were showing no signs of lightening up anytime soon. He wanted to get over Chan to make this annoying disease go away, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t and acceptance was just seeming to drift farther and farther away with each day that passed.

Changbin hoped it would never come to this, but for the first time since contracting the disease, he was starting to consider flower removal surgery as an option. Forcing himself up from his position on the floor, he slumped into his bed before pulling out his phone to research clinics that are certified to perform the operation. Most insurances only covered severe cases in the 6th or 7th stage so it was still a little early to make a final decision, but with how things have been going, it was seeming like his petals would be turning black sooner than he’d ever imagined.

He waited for a confirmation from Changbin, but got nothing, so he decided to just head back to his room and start getting ready. Jisung really did feel bad that Changbin couldn’t come, but secretly, he was kind of excited that it would just be him and Chan… it was like a second date!

“Hello?”

“Hi, Chan-hyung!” Jisung greeted through the phone as he looked through his closet for a nice outfit, “So um… I’ve got some good news, and bad news.”

“Okay, let’s hear the bad first.”

“So, Changbin has been sick since yesterday afternoon… this morning I checked up on him, but he said he still doesn’t feel good so he’s not gonna come today.”

“Oh, he’s sick? He seemed alright at his recording yesterday… tell him I hope he feels better soon. So what’s the good news?”

“I’m going!” Jisung said excitedly, finally deciding on an outfit and laying it out on his bed.

“Oh,” Chan chuckled at the excitement in Jisung’s voice, “Alright, so it’ll just be the two of us then?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he answered, trying to sound a little less giddy as he changed into the clothes he’d picked out.

“Okay then, I’ll be at your place in like fifteen minutes to pick you up.”

“Sounds good! See you soon.”

“See you.”

Cupping his face in his hands, Jisung laughed hysterically to himself, unable to wipe the huge smile off his face. He couldn’t even process the excitement he was feeling about being alone with Chan again, and even more so, at an amusement park. Even though it wasn’t intended to be a date, the given circumstances were sure as hell making it seem like one.

Recollecting himself, he finished styling his hair and gave himself a few spritz of his favorite cologne before packing a condom and mints in his pants pockets, as always, and just as he finished getting ready, he heard his phone go off.

[Chan 11:43 am]: Im here

As excited as he was, he was also nervous. This was the first time they’d be spending time together with Chan knowing Jisung was gay, and although he was supportive when he came out, hanging out now would be completely different. What if Chan started being awkward around him because he knew Jisung was into guys now? He knew Chan was a nice person, but this was sexuality they were talking about; if Chan was straight and he suspected that Jisung had a crush on him, the close friendship they shared and developed up to this point could be put on the line. It was a bit scary for Jisung to be honest, but he really liked Chan, so he wanted to make a genuine effort to be with him. If it didn’t work out, well then he would just accept that it’s not meant to be… at least that’s what he told himself.

“Hey,” Jisung greeted as he opened the passenger side door of the company van.

“Hey,” Chan smiled, peering over at Jisung as he made himself comfortable and slung his seatbelt on, “You look nice!”

“Oh, uh… thanks!” Jisung stuttered, his eyes falling to the floor nervously, “Um… you too.”

“No need to flatter me,” Chan chuckled as he put the car back into drive and started making his way to the amusement park. “So… do you know when Changbin started feeling sick?”

“Hm… not exactly, but it must’ve been shortly after the recording yesterday. He said he was gonna meet me at the practice room, but he didn’t show up, and then when I got home I found him in the bathroom. It didn’t sound too good…”

“I see…” Chan nodded, a serious expression on his face as he focused intensely on the road.

“Yeah… he said it’s just food poisoning, but I’m not too sure. Sometimes, Changbin tries to act tough and hide when he’s hurting, but I don’t like to fight with him about it,” Jisung shrugged, turning to look out the window before continuing, “I’m sure he’ll go to the doctor if it’s bad enough, so I’m trying not to worry.”

“I agree, as long as he knows his limits he should be fine.”

* * *

Changbin groaned as he stretched out his arms and then reached for his phone, checking the time through half lidded eyes. Damn, it’s 2 already? he sighed, rubbing his face as he slowly sat himself up and dragged himself out of bed.

“Jisung,” he called as he walked out into the hall towards Jisung’s bedroom, but there was no answer. “Jisung?” he called again, knocking on the door before opening it and peeking inside. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me…

 Finding an empty room, he quickly made a round around their small apartment to double check, but as suspected, Jisung was nowhere to be found. Changbin only sighed in response knowing there was nothing he could do about it at that point. He was just in utter disbelief that Jisung cared more about going out with Chan than staying home to make sure his best friend was okay… was something going on between them?

He had suffered enough last night, getting caught up in his thoughts about Chan, so he tried his best not to think about it; the last thing he wanted was another bad flare up. Wanting to keep himself busy, he thought it’d be a good idea to clean up around the house, taking out the trash, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, vacuuming, and so on. By the time he’d finished, it was almost dinner time, so he decided to go out and treat himself at a nice restaurant since Jisung was probably gonna be out for a while more.

As he sat at his table waiting for his food to be served, he found himself scrolling through his social media to pass the time; it was pretty boring though, there wasn’t much to see. He was just about to get off of the app when he noticed a post from the 3racha account on his feed, so he scrolled down to see what it was. To no surprise, it was selfies of Chan and Jisung and they were posing together on the ferris wheel.

Even though he wasn’t surprised, Changbin definitely wasn’t happy about seeing pictures like that. All he could think to himself was, why couldn’t it be me? He wasn’t one hundred percent sure if Chan and Jisung had feelings for each other, but seeing as Jisung had been acting strangely these days and avoiding Changbin’s questions, it was hard for him to ignore the eerie feeling he’d developed in regards to their relationship.

If they really did have something though… why? What’s so different about Jisung that Changbin doesn’t have? What does Chan see in him? Is it because Jisung is more bubbly? Taller? Better looking? It bothered him knowing that Chan could possibly like Jisung and not even that long after their one night stand. Did Chan really not care about him?

He was able to go the entire day flower free, but good things don’t last forever, right? Just as the waitress brought his food, he could feel the familiar tightness building up in his lungs accompanied by his increasing heart rate and an intense urge to cough.

“Um excuse me…” he called to the waitress as she walked away, “Where’s the restroom?”

“In that corner over there, just past the wall,” she pointed as she spoke, “You’ll see the sign.”

“Thank you,” Changbin barely finished as he rushed to the corner as she’d directed, tears filling his eyes as he continued to fight back his urge to cough. It’s not that this disease was critical and would cause people to panic if they saw someone who had it; it wouldn’t cause death in its early stages and it wasn’t contagious. But Changbin found it rather embarrassing and it just made him feel extremely pathetic. How can an idiot really be hung up on a person who treats them like shit and doesn’t like them back? If people knew that some dude was struggling with unrequited love long enough to have reached the fourth stage, green petals… then doesn’t that show weakness? That he’s not strong enough to move forward? Besides being noticed by people in public, maybe that’s also why he was so afraid to tell Jisung. He didn’t want him to think he was weak.

Arriving at the bathroom just in time, he shut and locked the door before his lungs spewed dozens of green lily petals into the toilet bowl. It always hurt more after dwelling on his thoughts for a long time and it also seemed to be hurting more as his disease continued to progress; when would it end? Clutching his sides in pain, he closed his eyes as he tried his best to steady his labored breathing. It took a few minutes for him to finally regain strength enough to pull himself back together, although part of it was forced just because he wanted to get out of that place as soon as he could.

Once he got back to his table, he asked for his check and to have his food taken out instead, not really having much of an appetite anymore after his sudden outburst. By the time he got back home, it was nearly 8, but still Jisung hadn’t come home. How long were they gonna be out anyways?

* * *

“So did you have fun?” Chan asked as he and Jisung found an open table to sit down and eat their food at.

“Yes! Thank you so much for bringing me,” Jisung smiled as he bit into his burger.

Chan chuckled, finding Jisung’s reaction cute, “I’m glad. We should definitely do this more often.”

Jisung’s eyes grew wide at Chan’s comment, surprised to hear that he felt that way. It’s true that he might’ve been thinking more of it than it really was, but knowing that Chan wanted to spend more time with him regardless if it was platonic or not made Jisung’s heart flutter. The more he could bond with Chan, the more he felt like he had a chance.

“I mean… unless you don’t want to,” Chan interrupted teasingly in response to Jisung’s silence.

“N-no no, that’s not it! I do want to… I was just surprised… is all…”

Chan could only laugh again, seeing how flustered Jisung was. He wasn’t really sure, but he was starting to get an inkling that maybe Jisung had a crush on him. Even though this whole amusement park hangout was meant to be for 3racha, he was thankful to have another opportunity with just Jisung so he could test if his hypothesis was correct. “Did you have any last things you wanted to do before we leave?” Chan asked before finishing off his food.

For a moment Jisung sat there, thinking if there was anything else he wanted to do. As he glanced around the park that was now beautifully illuminated in the night, there was actually one thing that stood out to him and caught his attention. “Um… if you’re up for it, do you want to go on the ferris wheel again? Since it’s dark now, maybe we can see the city lights.”

“Sure,” Chan smiled, “I wanted to go again too, actually.”

After finishing up their food and cleaning up the table, the two of them made their way back to the ferris wheel. Thankfully, the line wasn’t too long so they were able to get into a cart fairly quickly. Slowly the cart made its ascent as other people boarded after them and as Jisung mentioned, once they were high enough, the breathtaking view of the city came into view, the street lights glowing under the starry night sky.

“Hyung, look,” Jisung gawked as he stared out the window, “It’s so beautiful.”

Chan took the opportunity to scoot closer to him, slinging his arm over the back of Jisung’s side of the bench as he peered over his shoulder, “It definitely is… but I’ve got my eyes on something else.”

Jisung’s face suddenly began to heat up, hands growing clammy as his heart began to pound. He was really hoping it was him that Chan was referring to, but it seemed too good to be true. He didn’t want to give himself false hope.

“Y-you do?” he answered, not wanting to make assumptions too quickly. As he turned to face Chan, he was startled to see that he’d scooted closer while he wasn’t paying attention and his face was now just a hair's width away from his own.

“Stop me if you don’t like it,” Chan barely whispered before pressing his lips against Jisungs. His eyes widened at Chan’s abrupt advance, his face even more flushed now than earlier as he sat there in shock. “Not gonna kiss me back?” Chan mumbled as he pulled away, his hand going up to brush over Jisung’s cheek, “I’ll stop if—”

Before he could finish, Jisung reconnected their lips, his arms wrapping around Chan’s waist to pull him closer. Chan chuckled against Jisung’s lips, feeling his fiery passion emanating from the kiss and how much he’d probably been longing for this moment to happen… so it was finally confirmed that Jisung did in fact like Chan.

The two gasped for air as Jisung finally pulled away, still slightly appalled by what had just happened. Did this mean… Chan liked him too?

“I guess… you really are a virgin, huh?” Chan teased upon noticing the slight tent in Jisung’s pants, likely from their brief make-out session, “I believe you now.”

“Yah…” Jisung whined as he turned away from Chan, embarrassed, and covered his crotch area with his hands.

“What? I didn’t say it was a bad thing. You’re young, better to save it for the right person anyways.”

“And what if… I think that person is you?” Just after Jisung said that, he regretted it; that wasn’t at all how he planned to confess to Chan. He imagined it being much smoother and more romantic.

“Is that so?” Chan grinned, “Well, if you think so, I’d definitely love to be that person for you.”

“R-really? I mean… not just the sex part, though… I actually… really like you, Chan-hyung.”

“I know, and I like you, too, Jisung.”

Jisung had the biggest smile plastered onto his face at the sound of Chan’s words, tempted to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. Chan really just told him that he liked him back and this was the first time they spent any time together after their last hang out when he first came out. It was a little hard for him to believe but he also didn’t think Chan would lie to him, especially about something as sensitive as romantic feelings.

His thoughts were interrupted by the cart door being opened by one of the park attendants, who then gestured for them to exit the ride. The two boys bowed slightly, thanking the person as they stepped out of the cart and started making their way back to the van. Jisung was still speechless and lost in his thoughts as they walked and Chan could tell; he didn’t want to interrupt though, so he let him be, following close behind until they finally arrived back in the parking lot. By the time they left, it was past 8 and so when they got back to Jisung’s place, it was almost 9.

“Hyung…” he started, catching Chan by surprise as he parked the van up against the curb.

“Hm?” he replied, turning his head to face Jisung, “Is something wrong?”

“Um… there’s something I wanna try…” he stated shyly, eyes falling to the floor as he awaited Chan’s response.

“Alright, what is it?”

Jisung was hesitant about answering, but he really just dug his own grave. He already brought it up so there was no running away now. “Uh well… do you think we could um… go in the back seat first?”

“Oh?” Chan questioned, cocking his head at Jisung who looked quite embarrassed, “Yeah, that’s fine with me.” Chan smirked to himself knowingly as he got out of his seat and met Jisung in the back seat and shut the door behind him. He didn’t know exactly what Jisung wanted to do but he could definitely assume the premise of it. “So, what is it you wanted to try?”

Jisung froze, staring  at Chan as he tried to build up enough courage to share his request, but he kept having second thoughts. He couldn’t help but think it’d be strange and abrupt to just ask Chan to make out with him again, and on top of that he’d probably end up thinking Jisung was desperate. After that little taste Chan gave him on the ferris wheel though, he just couldn’t get it out of his mind; he wanted to feel it again but this time longer, more passionate, and maybe it could even lead to more if he was lucky… he didn’t carry a condom with him at all times for nothing.

After waiting in silence for too long, Chan snickered before finally breaking the silence, “Let me guess… it has something to do with what happened on the ferris wheel.” Scooting closer, Chan placed a hand on Jisung’s thigh, his other hand going up to caress Jisung’s face, thumb brushing over his smooth, rosy cheek.

Jisung barely nodded, eyes wide with anticipation in hopes that Chan would be the one to initiate it again. He barely made out a grin forming on Chan’s lips when he let his eyes flutter shut, waiting to feel the amazing feeling he felt on the ferris wheel for the second time.

For a moment, Chan only looked at him in amusement; it was adorable how Jisung became so reliant when he was nervous, but he was almost certain now that he knew what Jisung wanted. Leaning in, Chan finally pressed his plump lips against Jisung’s, earning himself a little gasp from the younger boy. The hand he had upon Jisung’s face, soon shifted instead  to the nape of his neck sending chills down his spine while the hand on his thigh slowly inched higher and higher, giving him light squeezes in between. He could feel his insides tingling from the combination of sensations he was feeling and to add to that, Chan slipped his tongue into Jisung’s mouth without any warning, making his breath hitch in his throat.

Jisung could feel the crotch of his pants starting to tighten again, his burning desire for Chan building up again and intensifying, far exceeding what he felt on the ferris wheel. He never knew that he could be so attracted to a guy in this way, or any way really, it made him want to do everything with Chan and he couldn’t get enough of his touch. 

Reaching for the hand on his thigh, Jisung did something completely unexpected; he wasn’t sure if it was his hyperactive libido acting or if he was just that comfortable with Chan now, but before he could even think about it, he had dragged Chan’s hand further up his leg until it finally landed on his bulging erection. He felt Chan smirk against his lips before slightly pulling away to speak. “I didn’t know you could be so bold,” Chan chuckled, fingers curling around Jisung’s girth as much as his pants allowed.

As much as Jisung wanted to reply, his brain was too overwhelmed to form words, only a soft moan slipping out of his mouth in response to the new sensation. Even with clothes in between, Chan’s hands just felt so damn good and he couldn’t get enough of it. “Hyung,” he whimpered, gripping Chan’s bicep to brace himself, “Y-you… can do what you want… t-to me.”

“Are you sure?” Chan asked, momentarily halting his movements.

Nodding his head, Jisung desperately urged his hips upwards, wanting Chan to continue his glorious fingerwork. “I trust you.”

Chan grinned in acknowledgement before proceeding to touch Jisung again. “Okay. I’ll go easy on you… since you’re a virgin.”

“Yah… you always make fun of me,” Jisung whined, inhaling sharply as Chan began toying with his head, “Have you done it before or something?”

“Maybe,” he shrugged, pausing his hand movements again to undo Jisung’s pants, “And I only make fun of you because I think you’re cute.”

Jisung felt his face heating up again at Chan’s words, eyes glued to Chan’s hands to avoid his gaze. Did he really just call me… cute? I must be dreaming…

The air felt cool around Jisung’s throbbing cock as Chan pulled down his briefs, letting it free, precum starting to seep from the tip in anticipation. Chan skillfully spread the substance around with his thumb before wrapping his fingers around his shaft, slowly beginning to pump him.

Jisung struggled to hold in his moans, the skin on skin contact of Chan’s hand on him presenting a new degree of pleasure that he’d never felt on his own. He honestly imagined it’d feel comparable to masturbating, but there was just something about Chan’s touch that felt so much better, though, he couldn’t quite put a finger on what it was exactly. He’d barely done anything, and Jisung already felt like his end was nearing.

“Feel good, Sungie?” Chan smirked against his ear, gently nipping at it before pressing a few kisses along his jaw and down his neck.

“Fuck,” Jisung groaned, face scrunched as he tried to fight back his orgasm, wanting to hold on to the blissful feeling Chan was giving him just a little longer.

“You’re close aren’t you?” he mumbled into his neck, fingers sliding up to play with his slick, sensitive head, “Just relax.”

“God, Chan-” Jisung gritted his teeth as he clenched onto Chan’s shirt sleeve, feeling his insides starting to tingle. He was holding on to his composure by only a single thread, but Chan had other plans, showing him no mercy as he suddenly picked up speed making Jisung gasp. “Chan I’m—”

Before he could even finish his sentence, and intense pleasure erupted throughout his body, making him tense up as his head fell forward, hair covering the profanities that he mouthed as he spilled his hot seed. Chan hovered his hand over Jisung’s member to prevent the substance from shooting onto his clothes, instead letting it drip down his hand and accumulate in one place. Once Jisung finished riding out his high, Chan kicked out a tissue box from under the seat to clean up the mess, while Jisung attempted to catch his breath and collect himself before doing anything else.

“That was… amazing,” Jisung mumbled, slumped back in his seat with his eyes still closed.

“I’m glad,” Chan smiled as he wadded up the used tissues and tossed them into the front cup holder to discard later.

Wearily, Jisung turned his head, staring at Chan through his hooded lids before his gaze fell down to Chan’s crotch.

“Hyung! You’re hard,” Jisung gasped, reaching down to cup his bulging erection when he was abruptly stopped by a firm grip on his wrist.

“You should go,” Chan spoke solemnly, a glint of worry in his eyes, “Changbin is probably waiting for you.”

“But Chan!” Jisung whined, “After you did that for me… I have to return the favor…”

“Another time, Jisung… it’s 9:30 already.”

“But—”

Pressing his lips to Jisung’s, he quickly shut him up, but the kiss was brief as he still stood by his earlier words. “Go,” he said again as he pulled away, quickly opening the side door and hopping out after, “I’ll text you tomorrow.”

Jisung was sad to leave, but he knew Chan was right. Changbin was home alone, sick for literally the entire day because Jisung wanted to spend time alone with Chan. He hated to admit it, but it was an extremely selfish decision and he didn’t even want to think about how Changbin probably felt; he knew it’d make him feel even more guilty than he already did.

When Jisung stepped into the apartment, he found Changbin sitting on the couch watching TV, completely unphased by his arrival.

“Wow. Aren’t you late,” Changbin remarked, his focus never leaving the tv as he spoke.

“Y-yeah, I guess… a little?” Jisung said nervously as he took off his shoes and set them aside.

“So, how was your date?”

“W-what? What do you mean?”

“Stop playing innocent already. It’s getting annoying.”

“I… don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I saw the damn van parked outside at least twenty minutes ago, don’t lie to me! What the hell were you doing in there for twenty minutes?! or maybe even longer, I don’t know!”

“I…” Shit.

“Why are you so tired?” Changbin asked as the two boys quickly made their way to the studio.

“I uh- couldn’t sleep last night…” Jisung stuttered, thinking of something on the fly.

“Why? I finished practicing pretty early.”

“It's just… it was one of those nights, y’know?” he replied, hoping Changbin would buy it. Thankfully, it seemed as though he did, considering he put a sudden halt on the questions and just continued on their rush to get to the studio on time.

As they walked, Jisung couldn’t help but reminisce about the emotional experience he’d shared with Chan the night before. It ended up going a lot better than he expected, well, the confession part at least, and now, Jisung valued it as a very special moment in his life that he would cherish forever.

~

“Chan… I’m gay.”

For a moment, there was silence, a shocked expression on Chan’s face as Jisung nervously anticipated his reaction. His heart began to sink the longer the silence drew out, worries filling his head that maybe Chan didn’t agree with such a lifestyle… or maybe he was just worried about Jisung’s career. Afterall, being an idol is tough, and the crowds are always judgemental… maybe something like this really wasn’t good for him… maybe he should’ve kept his mouth shut. Jisung gulped hard, his eyes stinging as he fought back tears.

Maybe this was all a mistake…

Finally, after what felt like forever, Chan rested his hands on each of Jisung’s shoulders, a proud and emotion-filled smile appearing on his face, “Jisung… I’m so proud of you. Coming out… is an incredibly difficult thing to do.”

Jisung let out a huge sigh of relief, the tears that were once filled with worry quickly becoming tears of joy and relief.

“Come here,” Chan spoke, quickly pulling Jisung into a tight hug, “I support you, one hundred percent… and I know the right guy is out there for you somewhere. But if you manage to end up with someone who isn’t treating you right along the way, make sure you tell me so I can kick his ass.”

~

When Jisung planned on coming out, he had hoped that Chan would at least be accepting of his sexuality, but he never imagined he would be that supportive. He was grateful though, knowing that Chan’s positive reaction was a step in the right direction, despite the fact that he might not necessarily share the same sexuality as Jisung. He decided to hold on to the hope that maybe Chan really was gay too, but he just hasn’t yet come to the realization.

“What are you so happy about?” Changbin questioned, noticing that Jisung had been dozing off and was now smiling like an idiot, “Are you high?”

“H-happy? Am I happy?” he chuckled nervously, trying to save himself, “I think it's just the lack of sleep making me go crazy.”

Although he let it slide, yet again, Changbin wasn’t really buying Jisung’s excuses. He knew Jisung was hiding something from him, but he didn’t really want to dig for it; he wanted Jisung to tell him himself since he wasn’t the type to butt his nose into other people’s business.

To no surprise, they arrived at the company five minutes late, so quickly the two boys waved to each other and they parted ways, Changbin rushing to the recording room while Jisung made his way to the dance studio.

“Hey, Binnie,” Chan greeted as Changbin walked through the door.

“Hey,” he replied dryly and took a seat next to Chan at the soundboard, “Sorry I’m late, Jisung wouldn’t wake up this morning.”

“No worries, it’s all good. We still got a lot of time,” Chan shrugged it off as he flipped through the lyrics papers of the song Changbin was recording today, “Warm up your voice, Bin. We’ll start recording in ten minutes.”

* * *

“It’s sounding good, Changbin,” Chan praised as he finished listening to the final recording for the day, “There’s a few rough patches, but for the most part it’s pretty good.”

“Thanks, I’ve been practicing…” he muttered quietly, trying not to engage with him too much.

“Definitely sounds like it, keep up the good work!” Chan smiled, throwing him a thumbs up.

As much as he tried to hide it, Changbin couldn’t fight the little smile that crept onto his face. Most of the time, he would avoid being influenced by anything Chan said to him, not wanting to take any of their conversations to heart, but every now and then, Chan would be extra nice with the compliments and praise. Those were the times that he’d find it extremely difficult for him to just ignore; so before he could dwell on his feelings any longer, he decided to take his leave, quickly snatching his phone out of his pocket as he bid Chan farewell and headed towards the door.

“Changbin, wait!” Chan blurted as he jumped up from his seat and chased after him.

“Yes?”

“You uh… this fell out of your pocket…” Chan spoke awkwardly as he held out a braided bracelet that he’d retrieved from the floor when Changbin took out his phone. Tension suddenly filled the air as Changbin quickly recognized the item and snatched it from Chan’s hand, a slight blush forming on his cheeks as his eyes darted to the ground.

“You don’t wear it anymore, huh?” Chan spoke in an almost sad tone, mutually breaking his gaze at Changbin.

“Neither do you,” Changbin mumbled under his breath before turning and finally storming away from Chan.

He still carries it though… Chan thought to himself as he stepped back into the recording studio to close up.

“Hello?” Changbin spoke through the phone, clearing his throat as he walked down the long hall to the practice room to meet Jisung, “I just finished, I’m on my way.”

“Okay, I’m almost done too. See you soon.”

After hanging up, he let out the cough that he’d been holding back while on the phone, his eyes widening as he was met with an unwanted acquaintance that he was luckily able to avoid for quite some time now. In his hand, rested a couple of flower petals… petunia petals, yellow in color.

[Stage 3, Yellow: Anger ~ petunia // symbol of anger and resentment]

It’d been at least a month since his last flare, and he really thought maybe this time, he’d gotten over it… but no, of course he hadn’t. Any time he had a close interaction with Chan, typically unintentional, it would always come back. He could feel his chest starting to ache the more he thought about it, his symptoms always seeming to worsen when he got into his head about the situation. Tossing the petals into a nearby trash can, he took a seat on one of the benches in the hall and took deep breaths to clear his mind.

It would be bad if he vomited a shit ton of petals right outside of the practice room, considering he never told Jisung about his condition and he had absolutely no intention of doing so. He decided after a few minutes of breathing that he’d better just go back home and apologize to Jisung later. Although the breathing exercises helped him relax and slow his heart rate, he wasn’t able to shake the uneasiness he was feeling in his lungs; he felt it was too risky to be with Jisung in such a state considering they'd be walking home together. Even though they were best friends, the burden he carried still felt like a fresh wound and he just wasn’t ready to open up about it to anyone yet; he couldn’t handle the pain that came with thinking about it.

Once he got home, he locked himself in the bathroom and let himself sink into his thoughts again, the pain in his chest and lungs quickly returning and worsening. In front of people, Changbin always hid behind a mask, bottling his feelings and putting on a happy face… he didn’t want anyone to know he was suffering, but behind closed doors, he was anything but happy, fighting depression that sparked from his unrequited love and the dumb disease that came with it. He always asked himself what was even the point of feelings or love? It’s never like the movies where two people just happen to fall in love and it works out perfectly… So why was he even trying?

Changbin’s eyes stung as he continued to dwell in his thoughts and that’s when the pain he felt earlier suddenly intensified. Hunching over the toilet bowl, flowers petals agonizingly spewed from his lungs, the same yellow petunia petals from earlier that day now floating delicately on the clear water. He could also make out a few petals that were different; they were white but brushed with green, the next color of the rainbow and likely, the next stage of his disease.

[Stage 4, Green: Depression & Reflection ~ lily // symbol of sadness]

His body felt heavy at the thought of a new flower blooming in his respiratory system but he could only laugh at himself in response, out of sheer pity. How pathetic was he? Getting so sick over some guy that couldn’t care less about him? Romantically anyways… He was beyond halfway through the stages now and if he couldn’t accept it or have his love returned, he would die. It was true, a part of him did want to die because he thought it wasn’t worth it anymore if he had to continue living this way. Being locked in the bathroom, he knew he was only a few steps away from the medicine cabinet if he was really desperate… or he could wait for the slower, more excruciating route, letting the flowers grow and accumulate in his body until their roots were embedded into his lungs, asphyxiating him to the end of his long, dreadful suffering… but for reasons he couldn’t understand, another part of him held on to a small sliver of hope, which is what kept him going all this time. He couldn’t understand why he was still giving himself false hope and how he was even gullible enough to keep himself convinced. Not only was he pathetic, but he was also an idiot, hoping for a fairytale ending that he knew would never happen.

“Changbin…” Jisung addressed with concern in his voice as he knocked on the bathroom door, “You okay in there?”

“Yeah,” Changbin replied, forcing himself to get his shit together as he flushed the toilet and hurried to the sink to wash up, “Just food poisoning I think. Probably the take out I had last night.” He feigned a smile as he opened the door and came face to face with Jisung, who looked extremely worried despite Changbin’s attempt to assure him he was fine.

“Do you need me to take you to the doctor?” Jisung asked, noticing how pale and drained Changbin looked.

“I told you it’s just food poisoning. Don’t worry about it.”

~

“Some Christmas party, huh?” Chan chuckled as he looked over at Changbin, the two sitting on the balcony of the guest bedroom which Chan had led them to to escape the noise of the party downstairs.

“Yeah, it was pretty crazy down there,” Changbin smiled, staring up at the stars rather than at Chan, “How’d you know about this room?”

“JYP let me sleep here a few times when he had to drive me to important events early in the morning.”

“Ah, I see… that’s convenient”

“Yeah…”

Silence soon fell upon the two boys, however, it wasn’t awkward; it was simply quiet… though, the lack of noise had Changbin worried that maybe Chan could hear his heart pounding against his chest.

Nervously clearing his throat, Changbin pulled a tiny drawstring bag out of his pocket and held it out to Chan, “Merry Christmas, hyung… it’s not much, but I hope you like it.”

“Changbin,” he whined, grudgingly taking the bag from him, “You didn’t have to.”

“I know… but I wanted to. I mean, like I said earlier, it’s not much anyways.”

Opening the little baggy, Chan pulled out a black, braided bracelet, very simple in design and it looked like it was handmade.

“Did you make this?” Chan smiled as he slipped it onto his wrist.

“Mhm…” Changbin replied, holding out his own wrist and pulling up his sleeve, “I made one for myself too. We’re matching.”

“I love it,” Chan chuckled, slyly taking the opportunity to take Changbin’s hand into his own and hold it in his lap.

Changbin shied away in response, trying to hide the blush that crept on his cheeks as a result of Chan’s intimate gesture. Chan couldn’t help but find Changbin’s response cute, a little laugh slipping from him as he adoringly stared at the clearly embarrassed boy next to him.

Butterflies filled Chan’s stomach as he debated whether or not he should make a move, but seeing how vulnerable Changbin looked, all shy and flustered, he just couldn’t help himself. Sliding a hand up to Changbin’s cheek, he turned his head to face him and connected their lips before Changbin could even process what was happening.

Changbin was definitely startled by Chan’s bold move, but he didn’t have to think twice about kissing him back. Wrapping his arms around Chan’s waist, he pulled him closer, deepening the chaste kiss with their lips moving together in perfect harmony. Their pure moment however, was soon cut short when Chan invited his tongue into Changbin’s mouth, immediately eliciting a moan from him as he swirled his slick muscle around in his wet cavern.

Changbin’s stomach tingled thinking about the situation he was in, finally able to somewhat process what was going on; he was really sitting on a balcony, making out with his crush of a few months and possibly… could be doing more with him. It was already hard enough to believe Chan liked him back, but the fact that he made the first move and things were escalating so quickly made it even crazier.

Before he knew it, Chan was on top of him, lips now pressed against his neck, peppering it with soft, wet kisses.

“Chan,” he moaned, fisting the back of Chan’s shirt as he continued to kiss down the full length of his neck.

“So hot when you say my name like that,” Chan mumbled against his skin as he moved back up to nip at Changbin’s ear, his hand slowly sliding down his body until it landed on the stiff bulge in his pants.

“Yah...” Changbin blurted, his cheeks flushing a bright red as he grabbed Chan by the wrist to stop him, “W-what are you doing?”

“Oh shit… I- I’m sorry,” Chan apologized awkwardly, worry apparent in his voice as he sat back up and regained his composure, “I got carried away.”

“N-no, I… liked it…” Changbin mumbled under his breath, “It’s just… don’t you think it’d be better to continue this inside? Y’know, on the bed… maybe…?”

Glancing back at Changbin, Chan smirked, coming to the conclusion that they must’ve had the same thing in mind all along and that Changbin was just being shy. “Yeah, good idea,” Chan smiled, standing up before offering a hand to Changbin, “Don’t know why I didn’t think of it.”

They’d barely just stepped foot back into the bedroom when Chan pushed Changbin onto the bed, his lips crashing down into Changbin’s for a messy kiss. Without pulling away, Chan quickly unbuttoned his shirt and flung it aside before his hands found their way back to Changbin’s body. It didn’t take long for his touch to wander back down to the stiffness in Changbin’s pants, gently palming it to elicit the sweet moans he’d been dying to hear more of earlier.

“Feel good?” Chan smirked, finally breaking away from their heated make out session.

“So good,” Changbin exhaled as his head rolled back against the soft pillow.

“Mind if I go under?”

Chills ran down Changbin’s spine at those words, his strained member twitching at the feeling of Chan’s hands fiddling with his belt buckle.

“Please…” Changbin begged, a bit whinier than he intended, but at that point he didn’t care; he just desperately craved Chan’s touch.

“Well,” Chan chuckled almost devilishly, “Don’t mind if I do.”

Without any hesitation, Changbin’s belt was undone along with his pants and once Chan had enough access, he slid the waistband of his briefs down just enough to free his throbbing hard-on. Changbin could almost see the lust glowing in Chan’s eyes as he wrapped his fingers around him and slowly began to pump him.

The amount of pre-cum Changbin wept was almost embarrassing as it revealed just how desperate and horny he was, but Chan didn’t fail to take advantage of it, circling his thumb over Changbin’s slick head before spreading the substance down the length of his shaft.

“Have you gotten head before?” Chan smirked as his hands reverted back to a slow stroking motion, the newly added lubricant allowing his palm to glide more smoothly along Changbin’s length.

“N-no…” his voice hitched in his throat, his brain struggling to form words as Chan continued to pleasure him, “H-have you?”

“No,” Chan chuckled, “But I’ve been dying to try giving it.”

Changbin instantly knew what Chan was thinking, his cock twitching involuntarily at the thought of being sucked off by his long time crush. Of course, it didn’t go unnoticed by Chan, the smirk plastered on his face somehow radiating a new, more sinful aura compared to before as he shifted himself towards the lower half of the bed.

“I take it that means you want to be my lab rat, huh?”

Changbin was now at a complete loss for words, too overwhelmed to really process anything at that point, though he'd be lying if he denied Chan’s comment. Positioning himself between Changbin’s legs, Chan looked up at him for some kind of confirmation before proceeding, “I’m not gonna do it unless you say yes.”

Gulping nervously, Changbin stared blankly at Chan for a second before finally parting his lips to speak, “I-I… want it.”

“It’d be my pleasure,” Chan smiled, wasting no time before pressing his tongue to Changbin’s base and licking all the way up to the tip. After swirling around his head a few times, Chan finally sealed his lips around Changbin’s girth, taking in as much of his length as his throat would allow.

“Oh my god,” Changbin muttered under his breath, the unfamiliar sensation presenting a new level of pleasure that he could’ve never achieved through his own means; Chan had only just started, but he already felt like his end was near. Changbin’s hands quickly found their way into Chan’s damp curls, trying not to pull too hard as he fought against his orgasnm that threatened to burst at any moment now. “Chan…” Changbin barely managed to say between choppy breaths and throaty moans, “I-I… I’m so c-close…”

Chan hollowed his cheeks as he pulled off, his actions accompanied by a loud ‘pop’ while his hand temporarily took the place of his mouth to stimulate Changbin, “Cum then. Don’t be shy.”

With that, he took Changbin back into his mouth, his tongue pressed up against the underside of his cock as he bobbed his head, urging Changbin to release. Not even a minute passed before he had Changbin trembling beneath him, face scrunched as his climax drew dangerously close.

“Chan I ah-” Chanbin started, but before he could finish, he was interrupted by an explosion of pure bliss radiating through his body, his head thrown back as his essence seeped down the back of Chan’s throat. Chan licked his lips as he swallowed every last drop, a look of satisfaction etched onto his face as he got up and straddled Changbin.

“That was fun… but I hope the night isn’t over yet,” Chan spoke as he undid his own pants, unwrapping and rolling a condom over himself before hooking his fingers into Changbin’s pants to pull them down, “Shall we go further?”

~

Changbin sighed as he stared up at the ceiling, struggling to fight back tears that were induced by the painful memory of Chan that he’d been holding onto for the past few months. That night at the party, he never thought that doing it with Chan… that losing his virginity to him, would end up being just a worthless one night stand; had he known, he definitely wouldn’t have agreed to it. His feelings for Chan were just too strong to be okay with sharing an extremely intimate moment with him knowing it was just for a night; he wanted to spend an eternity with him.

He could feel his lungs tightening again the more he thought about his unrequited feelings for Chan and how he’d been used and simply tossed aside… how even despite that, he still gets butterflies in his stomach when Chan gives him even the tiniest, most meaningless compliments… the fact that he still liked someone who’d been putting him through constant emotional pain for months and he probably didn’t even have the slightest clue...

Shooting up from his bed, he darted to the nearest trash can and fell to his knees as he hurled up yet another bundle of yellow and green flower petals, clutching his sides in pain as he groaned between labored breaths. With his head still hung over the bin, the petals scattered among his mounds of trash starred back up at him, mocking him about his dumb, one-sided love.

“Fuck…” he muttered under his breath, cupping his face in his hands as finally he let out all the tears he’d been holding back the entire day. Why him?

His heart was pounding at the sound of those kind words and praise about his rapping, and he couldn’t help but smile as he thought about how proud Chan looked. He loved knowing his hard work paid off, after all the long nights staying up past one in the morning trying to fix his rhythm and tone, repeating the lines over and over again until everything was absolutely perfect, all that for a simple ‘good job’… but it was hearing it from Chan that made all the difference; he wanted nothing more than to impress him.

“Hyung, I’m home,” Jisung announced, walking through the door and tossing his things aside before slumping into the couch. 

“How was the recording?” Changbin asked as he joined Jisung on the couch.

“It was great! Chan said he could tell I’ve been practicing,” Jisung bragged, a huge grin spread across his lips as he spoke.

“That’s good. Your late night practicing is paying off, then.”

“How do you know about that?”

“Because I can hear you? Your room is right next to mine and the walls aren’t that thick you know.”

“Oh… well, when is your next recording?”

“Tomorrow morning, so I’m gonna be practicing all night tonight.”

Jisung simply nodded in response, a tinge of jealousy slowly sinking in at the thought of Changbin spending time with Chan alone. He knew it was nothing to get worked up about, they all had to record together from time to time, but for some reason it still seemed to bother him. 

“Soo…” Changbin started, “are we going out for dinner today?”

“Hm… no, I’m good,” Jisung replied, “I’ll just find something in the fridge to eat.”

“Alright, let me know if you change your mind. I’m heading out.”

Jisung nodded at the older boy's words and watched as Changbin left the house. Once he was out of sight, Jisung scrambled for his phone and immediately dialled Chan, checking to see if maybe he would be free later.

“Hello?” he answered only after a few rings.

“Uh, hey, Chan… are you free later tonight? Do you think we could meet up? There’s something I want to tell you.”

“Um… I think I’m free after 8 o’clock. Is that okay with you, or is that too late?”

“Uh… actually can we meet later? Maybe… 11:30?”

“11:30?!” Chan exclaimed, pausing for a moment before speaking again, “I mean… I guess that’s fine, it’s not like I’d be doing anything other than sleeping… So where are we gonna meet?”

“Hm… how about that twenty four hour cafe across the street from the studio?”

“Alright, sounds good to me.”

“Okay, I’ll see you then.”

“Yep, see yah.”

Jisung let out a sigh of relief as he hung up the phone, a huge smile on his face as he combed his fingers through his hair. Jumping up from the couch, he immediately went to the bathroom to shower and get himself ready for his ‘date’ with Chan. He took his time in the shower, thinking about all the possible ways it could go, all the things he should say, all the advances he could make… but he was also nervous because maybe Chan didn’t even feel the same, maybe he only viewed him as a friend.

Although this wasn’t the first time they were going out, for Jisung, this time felt totally different; it was the first time he was going out with Chan, having officially accepted that he has feelings for him. It had been a while since Jisung first became interested, but during that time he was just trying to figure out if he truly liked Chan or if it was something else. He wasn’t sure if it was a strong sense of friendship, or maybe just that he thought Chan was attractive, or maybe he felt lustful towards him… and with all the possibilities in mind he thought that maybe what he was feeling was just a phase. But after a while of thinking and letting his feelings develop, he determined that he really did like Chan and wanted to build a serious relationship with him if possible.

He knew he definitely wasn’t ready to confess to him yet, but he did feel like he should at least inform Chan of his sexuality; he had to take everything in baby steps to ensure the smoothest results possible. At that point, if Chan admitted that he didn’t swing that way, then there would be no point in confessing and Jisung would have to try a different approach or just leave it at that.

Just as Jisung finished his shower, hair still damp with his towel wrapped around his waist, Changbin came home, a puzzled look forming on his face as he caught a glimpse of Jisung.

“You showered early,” Changbin commented as he put his food down on the table, “Going somewhere?”

“N-no…” Jisung replied nervously as he slowly continued making his way to his room, “I just… was feeling a little icky so I decided to shower. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go put some clothes on.” Entering his room, he closed the door behind him, quickly throwing on some pajamas before making his way back out to the kitchen to join Changbin.

“What’d you get? Smells good,” Jisung commented as he sat down next to Changbin.

“Just some noodles and chicken from the place down the street. You want some?” Changbin asked as he gestured the food towards Jisung.

“Nah, I’m good… I already ate,” he lied, not wanting to spoil his appetite in case Chan wanted to grab a bite to eat when they met up.

“Oh yeah, what’d you end up eating?”

“Oh uh… just… some leftovers… not much though because I uh… wasn’t that hungry.” 

Changbin only nodded in response, acknowledging the statement as he continued to eat his food.

“So I was wondering…” Jisung started, “How late are you planning to stay up tonight?”

“To practice? Hm… I don’t know, depends when I’m satisfied with how I sound. Why?”

“Just wondering because I wanna be able to sleep tonight…”

“I’m not gonna be thaaat loud.”

“And I quote, ‘... the walls aren’t that thick you know…’”

“Alright, fine, I’ll try not to stay up too late.”

“Good. Besides, you’re already an amazing wrapper, hyung, don’t stress out about it,” Jisung assured, placing a hand on Changbin’s shoulder, “It’s better to get lots of rest so that you’re not tired tomorrow morning for your recording.”

“Yeah I guess you’re right, thanks Sungie.”

“Of course! Only the best for my best friend.”

* * *

Time dragged as Jisung waited and waited for the clock to hit 11; he was getting way too anxious for his secret little rendezvous with Chan. He had his nicest outfit picked out along with his best cologne, and he had also pre-packed mints and a condom in his pants pocket in case y’know… things happened, and of course, he made sure to bring extra money so that he could pay the bill if they decided to go out to eat or have drinks or something. After what felt like forever, finally, around 10:30, Changbin finished up his practicing.

“Goodnight, Jisung,” Changbin said as he popped his head into Jisung’s room, “You can sleep in peace now.” 

“Thanks, I will. Goodnight, Changbin-hyung,” Jisung lied through his teeth as Changbin closed the bedroom door and continued on his way to his own. 

The moment Jisung heard Changbin’s bedroom door close, he immediately popped up out of bed and changed into his nice clothes, quickly fixing his hair and giving himself a few spritz of cologne. Taking one last glance in the mirror, he deemed himself presentable and so at last, he was able to start making his way out. First, he snuck out of his bedroom, being sure to make as little sound as possible as he opened and closed his door, and then he quickly but quietly made his way to the front door. Once he was outside, he locked the door behind him and started walking down the sidewalk toward the cafe that he and Chan agreed to meet at. As excited as he was to see Chan, he forced himself to walk slowly so that he wouldn’t be all sweaty and gross in front of him, especially since he’d already showered.

 Jisung arrived about fifteen minutes early, so he decided to find a table to sit at while he waited for Chan to arrive. Thankfully, since it was late, there were lots of open tables so it was easy for him to find a spot. Only about five minutes had passed when he heard the cafe door open, and as he looked up, sure enough, it was Chan. He gulped as he looked away, pretending not to see that Chan had just walked in and instead, waiting for him to come to the table.

“Wow, you’re early,” Chan spoke as he sat down across from Jisung.

“Oh, haha yeah,” Jisung replied nervously, glancing down at the time on his phone which read 11:20 pm, “You’re early too.”

“Yeah,” Chan shrugged, his little dimple showing as he grinned at Jisung, “Better to be early than late. I wanted to be here before you but you beat me.”

Jisung only nodded in response, the butterflies that were filling his stomach making it hard for him to make conversation.

“Did you… wanna grab some drinks?” Chan asked as he motioned toward the counter.

“Oh, yeah, right. Sorry,” Jisung replied, quickly standing up and following Chan to the counter to order.

“Hi, what can I get for you guys tonight?” the barista smiled.

“Hi, I’ll just take a small hot cocoa, and uh… what do you want Jisung?”

“Uh… I’ll have the same as him…”

“Okay, so two small hot cocoas… can I get a name for the order?”

“Chan.”

Upon hearing the price of the transaction from the barista, Jisung scrambled for his wallet in his back pocket and quickly rummaged through his bills to give the appropriate cash, but before he could, Chan snatched Jisung’s wallet out of his hands and instead, paid for the drinks with his own card.

“Alrighty, your drinks will be out in a bit.”

“Thank you,” Chan replied, quickly putting his card away as he walked back to the table, Jisung just following close behind, but too shy to speak up and ask for his wallet back.

“So…” Chan started as he sat down across from Jisung, a cheeky grin spread across his face, “What’s this?” Between his index and middle finger, he held up a square, metallic package that Jisung immediately recognized to be the condom he had hidden in his wallet for emergency purposes. “Are you getting some action and you didn’t tell me? Is that what you wanted to talk to me about tonight?”

“Uh…” Jisung mumbled, unable to make eye contact with Chan as his cheeks flushed a faint pink color, “N-no I’m not I just… I figured it’s good to have one just in case… y’know? Better safe than sorry… right?”

“You don’t have to be shy about it, dude. You can tell me if you aren’t a virgin anymore.”

“Hyung… I’m really not having sex.”

“Order for Chan!” the barista called, interrupting the conversation. “I can get it,” Jisung blurted, quickly shooting up before Chan even  had the chance and quickly making his way back to the counter to grab the drinks.

Shit… Why’d he have to find the condom so fast, we literally just met up… Jisung thought to himself, shaking his head  as he grabbed the drinks and started making his way back. This ‘date’ was definitely not going as smoothly as he thought it would in his head. Sitting back down at the table with the drinks, there was an awkward silence for a bit, Jisung unable to make eye contact with Chan, who was curiously observing Jisung’s obviously nervous body language.

“So,” Chan started as he took a sip of his drink, “If not that… what is it you needed to tell me?”

“U-uh well…” Jisung stuttered, gulping hard before continuing, “It’s a little… personal so like… I don’t really wanna talk about it in public.”

“Oh, okay… how about we go for a drive then?” 

“You drove?”

“Yeah, I kinda stole the company van,” he smirked as he took another sip of his cocoa.

“You what?!” Jisung exclaimed, wide eyed, “You won’t get in trouble??”

“As long as I don’t crash it I won’t,” he chuckled, “C’mon, let’s go.”

Nervously, Jisung followed Chan out to the van, his hands cold and heart pounding as he got in and put on his seatbelt. As Chan drove, Jisung stayed quiet, staring out the window as he thought about how he was going to tell Chan. 

I can’t just… say it… that’s weird. I need to start a conversation first… maybe just… ask how he’s been? or something?? Ask him about his music? but then how will I change the topic after? Ugh… I don’t know… this is pathetic…

Chan couldn’t help but notice that something was off about Jisung. He’d never seen him so tense and on edge before and he found it rather concerning. He could only hope that whatever it was that Jisung had to say, he would be able to handle it well and give Jisung the comfort he was looking for.

Finally, after about a twenty minute drive, Chan backed the van into a rather barren place that Jisung had never been to before… to him, it looked like they were literally in the middle of nowhere.

“Where a--” Jisung started, but before he could finish, Chan had already gotten out of the car and shut the door, but it didn’t take Jisung long to jump out of his seat and chase after him. “Chan, where a-- whoa…”  This time, before he could finish speaking, he got distracted by the breathtaking sight before him, his eyes gleaming with amazement as his mouth fell agape; Chan had driven them up to a lookout of the city.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Chan smiled seeing Jisung’s appalled reaction. “I always come here when I’m stressed out and need to clear my head… come,” Chan motioned, patting a seat next to him for Jisung to sit. Jisung had been so absorbed in the view that he was completely oblivious of Chan opening the liftgate and laying out a blanket for them to sit on. Jisung’s cheeks burned in reaction to Chan’s kind gesture, butterflies soon filling his stomach yet again despite his efforts to keep himself calm. He was sure that Chan didn’t have any special intentions for doing what he did, but Jisung couldn't help but feel that it was really romantic, and maybe even a little flirty… and unfortunately, it was making him even more nervous than he already was.

“Sung,” Chan called, concern in his voice as he reached for Jisung’s hand. Jisung gasped in response, unintentionally pulling his hand away in an act of panic as he struggled to contain his emotions.

“Are you okay, Jisung?! I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you!” Chan bolted up from his seat, facing Jisung directly, “Is it something I did?”

“N-no, no! It’s not you, I just… you startled me… sorry…”

“No, don’t apologize… I shouldn’t have been so bold knowing something was bothering you, I’m sorry…”

Jisung could still feel his heart pounding out of his chest, hands cold and stomach tied in knots as he stood there, trying his best to calm himself down. It was now or never; it was starting to get late and he didn't drag Chan out at 11:30 at night just to say nothing. Taking a deep breath, he finally forced himself to say what he’d been meaning to say all night.

“Chan… you're a really great guy… and even though it doesn't seem like it right now, I feel extremely comfortable around you and I feel like I can trust you with any secret and well… I have a pretty big one… but just to be clear, I’m still a virgin, I wasn’t lying about that earlier.”

“I’m sorry, that was my bad… I was just making assumptions. I’m glad you trust me with any secret though, Jisung. Right now, I want you to know we’re in a completely judge free zone and I promise you, whatever happens here or is said here, stays here. Okay? You can tell me whatever you need to and I will be sure to keep that promise.”

Jisung found comfort in Chan’s words, the love and support he showed easing some of his nerves as he prepared himself to finally reveal his secret, “Okay… you’re the only person that I’ve told this to so far… even though I’ve been holding onto it for a while… but that’s why I was so damn nervous.” Closing his eyes, he clenched his fists anxiously as he took one last deep breath before finally parting his lips to speak, “Chan… I’m gay.”