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lately hope and love is not all i’ve got.

i’m up later than i tend to be. than i’d like to be.

smoking and considering

it’s been hard to shake this feeling, hard hard hard!

a friend told me to write what i love, so that’s what i’m doing.

i love my friends; kaylees smile and DOWNness, kalin’s warm embrace both literally and figuratively, ava’s acknowledgment of wrongdoings, alida’s honesty, kiara’s acceptance, eliza’s preservation, angelina’s laugh, eloise’s unhideable face margaux’s jokes, lily’s refusal, bryn’s sweetness, jaspers sillyness, amalia’s openness, especially when it’s hard, lisles questions, arts surprises (because i’m still learning), aydens thoughtfullness, chases whimsy, katherine’s pessimism, kate’s fun, i can go on and on and on

i love rocks and climbing and moving my body, the soreness.

i love the place i’m in, even through the shivers.

i love the sunsets and sunrises when i get to catch them

i love a good fricken book, even if sometimes, to me, that means john green, or slobbering over the pages.

i love trees, especially ones i can get up into

i love a chilly walk with my mom, though usually tainted with an unplaced disappointment or criticism

i love learning, jamming my brain and struggling

i love cigarettes and nicotine, fuxk

a good bike ride where my hair gets caught in the wind

the ocean, crashing waves and succumbing

soft sunshine that warms you up on a rare california day

miserable heat that i’ve become accustomed to

freezing toes and fireplaces

warm tea that burns my tongue on the first sip

good coffee

CHOCOLATE

the feeling of wonder

the sadness that i don’t often let linger

an all absorbing cry

scrambles

concoctions

the light hitting just right

misunderstandings that you clear quickly

long stretches of desert

a long makeout that ends at just that

margaux’s car

soft touches

napping with someone i love, accusations of romance

loud music, music that i wonder if part of me bleeds

dancing, dancing without a care

jeans that fit just right

a short skirt

vulnerability

there is lots i love, and some things i don’t, but one thing i don’t think i’ll ever escape, is that i know i’ll grow to love it all even with a taint of hate