childlike kait

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Wow. I’m at a crossroads. I’ve returned to programming/coding and realized that I know more than my imposter syndrome led me to believe I did before. I have really been enjoying the process of building my latest project. And yet... I question if I want to continue this path or if a career in software development is right for me.

When I started this journey, it was because I lived a life of instability up until that point. I was chasing a career in entertainment and it wasn’t going well. There were small wins here and there but I didn’t see myself living the life I imagined for my future if I continued about in the same way.

Before I continue, I must state that I’m a Christian. And as such, my goal is to live a life that glorifies God and points to Christ.

And now I’m realizing that my journey into tech and the small platform that I’ve grown as a by-product, maybe don’t do that. Not that I went into this trying to make a name for myself in tech, but it happens. And I’ve found myself trying to cater my content to the tech crowd specifically.

When I started making the tech videos, it was just to share my journey with Revature. I couldn’t find recent videos about the company when I was first interested in working with them so I figured other people may be running into the same thing. This small tech platform was initially built out of the desire to help others.

But now in my mind, it’s become what I can build for myself. Maybe I could turn this into full-time content creation, something I’d been trying to do since college. I’ve had numerous YouTube channels before childlikekait and none of them grew like this one has. So I feel like I’ve finally found my lane.

However, I don’t want to get so carried away with what I’ve built that I feel like I can’t walk away from it. Because there are times I want to walk away. There are times I want to focus solely on content creation that’s not about tech. There are times I want to get back to creating entertainment that I enjoy. There are times I want to disappear from the internet as a whole and become a real estate tycoon. Random, I know.

But I haven’t allowed myself to give into these desires because I wonder what I could be leaving behind. Because how could it be doing so well if it wasn’t prompted by God.

If this was really just about helping people get up-to-date information on Revature, then I’ve done my part. My work is done.

Does that mean I switch gears to making content about something else? Does that mean I leave content creation as a whole?

And where do I stand on continuing to pursue software development as a career? I actually never saw myself as a career professional when I was young. I always thought I’d be either a professional artist or an entrepreneur. Working in tech was never a part of my vision.

Long story short, I don’t want to play it small when it comes to my life and choices but I also don’t want to be misaligned from God’s will.

I don’t want to be broke and chasing the unknown and not-guaranteed. But I also don’t want to build a platform out of something that was never meant for me in the first place.

I just watched “Really Love” on Netflix. The film is beautiful and it inspired me on my journey in film.

Like all other films on love, it left me feeling lonely at the end.

But that wasn’t the worst of my feelings following the film. I found myself crying afterward. Not because I’m single. But because I’m running out of hope.

“We’re all artists. I just happen to paint.”

I have worked in and toward and career in the arts my whole life and I struggle to call myself an artist sometimes. Maybe that’s why I’m ready to give up. Not all the way but almost.

I have no Yusef cheering me on. No curator waiting to show me off.

But do I need that? If this is what I want for my life, shouldn’t I just be able to give it to the world? 

But I’m getting older. And I feel like I’m losing the time freedom to “be an artist.” Especially an unpaid one. Most times, I’m just barely getting by. 

Do I get a day job and just art on the side? Or do I bet on myself and go all in?

I’ve been on this see-saw for some time now. Maybe I need to stop bouncing between the two and make a choice. 

But Isaiah Washington is a character. I’m a real person living a real life.