Jungkoorita⁷ 🦋

No, but this is my favorite bangtan pic

They’re so cute and look at my queenie with the one leg up.

And I put up a good fight

I really do

I try to be rational

I try to be objective

Since the very beginning, I've said that I often take a step back and be rational, to assess if I’m exerting my own queer experiences onto them or if I’m observing what is presented in front of me

Heck, sometimes I play devil's advocate with my brain and ask myself random questions like “ok but have you not gone out of your way to do so and so for this friend”

And while I have done some things for my friends, I also haven’t run through an entire airport as soon as it landed so I could head home to cook dinner for my friend before we went on a trip together the next day

I love my friends, but I ain’t doing all that

I sometimes gaslight myself and say “Jungkook’s facial expression did NOT change when jimin looked at him behind his shoulder during that holiday shoot” it was trick of the light, is all

Or

JIMIN DID NOT FLY SO AND SO MILES TO SEE JUNGKOOK FOR HIS BIRTHDAY, HE WAS JUST MAKING A PIT STOP BEFORE HE FLEW TO HAWAII.

Gaslighting myself is a coping mechanism, or so I heard

And so I have these little convos like “you’re making it up”

I struggle with myself to get out of the arena, to move my feet, because the fight within me is tangible before they arrive.

My biggest opponents step into the ring

Jungkook and Jimin

And I’m sweating

Moms spaghetti

Wondering how my rationale is going to fight them

How am I going to be able to convince my brain and win against them

Because they don’t just show up as they are

They don’t show up as a friend

Oh no, they certainly do not

Their attack styles are swift and powerful

The kind of power forged in inside jokes, in memes, in memories of the past, in little anecdotes, in “Jimin” without the hyung. Its foundation is rooted in “I told Jungkook I’d go to the moon” in looking at each other like they’re the only people there, in the deep respect they have for each other. It takes form in the knowledge they grew up together, in the way they’ve experienced the highs and lows of life, in the hard work they’ve put into making their dreams come true, and in the way they've done so beside each other every step of the way. IT solidifies itself in the ever-present feeling that Jikook gives me, as if I walked in on them, but I was in the room first.

And while I can fend for myself and fight back with a logical point of view

I lose every time

I loose to the mundane moments

To the subtle details

The way Jungkook cares for Jimin

The way he provides for him

The way he matches his steps

The way he stands behind him, like a pillar there to catch Jimin were he ever to stumble or even fall

I get thrown by my hair from the way Jimin constantly reminds Jungkook how capable he is

In the way he comforts him, especially when he doesn’t think anyone is watching

In the way Jimin has retired his golden mic and given it to jungkook to show him how golden he is

In the way Jungkook carries that JM with pride, at the forefront for people to see, unashamed

In the way they get sassy and annoyed by each other, the familiarity behind that

And I get thrown off my axis by the things I can’t explain, by the things that are felt

And those

THOSE

Are the hardest things

Because I can explain everything else

But how do you explain this feeling? The way their faces bloom for each other, with unrestrained happiness.

How do you convince yourself out of it, especially when you know of love and what it looks like on your face and someone else’s

How do you explain reverence?

How do you explain devotion?

How do you explain love?

How do you explain falling in love?

How do your friends explain to you what love means to them or what it looks like to them?

If it were easy to explain, we wouldn’t be struggling to find deeper words that can encompass the depth of this feeling

I don’t stand a chance against them

From Jimin's words, which remind Jungkook of how capable he is

To the way they remind us and each other that they’re the same person

And the final blow comes from the fact that their bond is more than physical; it’s in the comfortable silence of doing nothing and merely existing with each other

And so I find myself back where I was

In my bed, trying to say with confidence, “Tomorrow, I’ll win. I’m going to crack the code. I’m going to stop being delusional. I will NOT let Jungkook pull me back in. I REFUSE to let Jimin make a home in my brain".

And I make these plans, and I go to sleep with the final thought being “goddamn it, Jungkook and Jimin”

And I close my eyes

And then

I hear my alarm

I see the rays of light filtering through a sliver in the curtain

I open my eyes, and I repeat the same thing all over again

I did NOT go looking for jikook, that for sure.