Happy pride month!
aw, thank you!
(this is gonna be long guys!)
i’ve never been good at having any kinda pride, i do think if there was a trans shame and internalized transmisogyny contest i have a decent shot at winning LOL
sometimes i think being trans is the most embarrassing thing about me
sometimes i think being a girl makes me a failure, like i flunked out of being male and fell down a rung
sometimes i’m ashamed to look at myself in the mirror because i see the monster my family thinks i am
but then i think about how much i’ve overcome to be where i am right now.
Maybe it’s not always easy for me to be comfortable or proud specifically of my identity as a trans girl, but i can always find pride in how hard i’ve worked to live the life i’m living now.
I was so scared, for a long time.
I lived for years, knowing i needed femininity to survive, taking whatever scraps i could get (stealing mom’s makeup and dresses when she was out, aimlessly wandering around clothing stores for hours only to try on one sweater, not buy it, and leave)
But I chose to fight for myself at every turn. I still do.
Despite living with family that would have almost certainly sent me to conversion therapy if they found out i was a girl, i made it my mission to go to my senior prom in a dress. It was maybe a rumor around school that i was a girl, most of my immediate friends all knew. The problem was, my mom was a teacher in the same district. She was friends with a lot of the faculty.
I wrote one of the most painful emails i’ve ever had to write, coming out to my science teacher at the time. She and the school counselor went around and prepared the teachers on my behalf, warning them that under no circumstances were they to say anything if any students happened to present differently at prom. (my state had a law on the books to prevent trans kids from being outed to their parents)
One of the teachers even said “oh, is this about (my deadname)” LOL
I was the design editor for our yearbook, so i had a plausible excuse for going to prom and not being in any pictures (photographer!).
I made a new facebook profile under a new name with a more fem profile picture. I added my school, and… immediately started getting recommended to classmates under “people you may know”. One of them showed me on their phone and said “is this you?”
My heart sank to the earth’s core. I thought I had more time. My brain froze, all i said in response was “Shut up shut up shut up shut up”, loud enough i’m sure everyone heard.
I then had to write a letter on my old account, directing anyone who’s cool to my new profile. I was so terrified to hit send. I had a classmate do it for me, only after I and 6 other people read through it many, many times until i realized it would never be good enough. I knew if I was in control it would never get sent. I triple checked that the post was set to everyone except my family. Then i had my classmate hit send and marinated in pure anxiety for hours as the replies came in. Most were positive, some were not. Those ones still echo in my mind, sometimes.
I snuck behind my mom’s back and bought a prom dress with some friends. I did my makeup, took a few friends to a mall a few towns over, and i run into my mother two lanes over on the freeway. Never had i been so scared in my entire life. Thankfully she never noticed us and i was able to get a dress and store it at a friends’s house.
And… I went. I went solo, but i was with a large group of friends. I didn’t do much, it was the first evening i had ever walked in heels so i just cautiously clacked around the venue. Spent about half of it hanging out with some friends on the stairs.
But it was the first night that i was out publicly.
I wish it hadn’t had to be a secret. I wish i would have just been allowed to buy a dress, wear it, and not have to do all of this preparation. The amount of effort, fear, anxiety, and stress i had to put in just to wear a dress to prom. No girl should have to go through that.
But I still did it.
Next year is going to be the 10th anniversary of that night. I think it’s one of my most treasured memories. When things are hard, I remember how hard teenage Lizzie fought to get to the point i’m at.
I guess my point here, while I still struggle sometimes with accepting myself, what’s important is that i continue to work and make choices that keep me here and keep me alive every day. I hope you can all do the same.
Happy Pride, everyone.
